Demented Death Farm Massacre — Triskaidekafiles

DEMENTED DEATH FARM MASSACRE

WRITER: Barbara Davison

DIRECTORS: Donn Davison and Fred Olen Ray

STARRING: John Carradine as The Judge of Hell

George Ellis as Horlon C. Craven

Ashley Brookes as Reba Sue Craven

Trudy Moore as Karen

Mike Coolik as Kirk

Jim Peck as Phillip

Pepper Thurston as Suzanne

QUICK CUT: A group of people get lost in the back country, and befriend some local farmers while their car is fixed.

THE MORGUE

Phillip - The British brains of the band of criminals. He’s classy, he does what he can to hold the group together, and clearly sees himself as above the rest of them.

Kirk - Another criminal working with Phillip. He’s got a short temper, doesn’t have much patience for the rest of the crew, and his main driving force is “Can I get laid?”

Suzanne - The tall, leggy, stuck up member of the crew. She sees Karen as her rival, and has little time for small minds.

Karen - Kirk’s girlfriend and final member of the heist. She is not to bright, and even more than the rest, you wonder why she’s there.

Reba Sue - A young woman married off by her father for a few hundred dollars. She’s not that bright, but it feels more of the ‘uneducated’ and unaware of the world sort of lack of intelligence, as well as the men in her life keeping her and controlling her.

Horlon - A farmer and moonshiner, who married Reba Sue just to have someone who would cook and clean for him. He is a godly man, and yes, you can see the hypocrisy already.

Ah geeze, someone bled all over the title card again.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! With summer brewing, it's time to take it easy and head out to the farm, with Demented Death Farm Massacre! This is another movie from another set of three from Troma, as I'm slowly building up a few piles of these. This one features a movie largely completed in the early 70s, forgotten about, then dug out by Fred Olen Ray, and finally released in the 80s with bonus footage of an unrelated John Carradine. So let's get to it!

It's an interesting choice to use an almost classical orchestral, almost whimsical, score over the credits. It's probably what they could afford, and a bit of the style at the time but it still...oh ew, there's a guy picking his nose while driving his truck.

Following that, we get Sir Not Appearing in this Film, John Carradine, as he stands alone in an unrelated forest, as the Judge of Hell, who watches for people committing evil, but he must never interfere, he must forever remain...the Watcher. Or just filmed a decade after the rest of the movie.

Hello? Please help me, I’m lost in these woods!

He then botches his lines and says he is "Judge Death" so now this is a secret Judge Dredd prequel. I don't make the rules.

Also, oh no, I KNOW I recognise this footage as something another movie used following Carradine's passing. Don't quote me on it, but I THINK it was Jack-o?

Jumping back into the actual movie, we're told about a robbery at a jewelry store over the radio, with the people responsible getting away with over a million dollars in jewels.

Long story short, the people in the jeep listening to the radio are the thieves, working their way to freedom. Or they would be, but their jeep runs out of gas on these country back roads.

A million dollars, but you couldn’t fill the tank??

They instantly establish the group as being constantly bickering, and I have no idea how they've stuck together long enough to pull off a heist. Their leader, the brains of the group, holds them together for now, and suggest they push the jeep into the woods and hide it, catch their breath, and find a way to continue later.

While they move the jeep and cover it in branches, we briefly cut away to Horlon Carver and his farmhand Tobe delivering some moonshine to Jezebel at the local brothel. I only mention it since it's filling time and intro'ing characters

Our criminal quadruple comes across Reba Sue doing the laundry, and explain their situation as lyingly as they can, and ask if they could trouble her to let them stop and rest for a spell.

At that point, why even bother with shorts?

So Reba Sue shows them around her hovel, the ladies want to take a bath to wash the dust off, but this place doesn't have anything like that. So get nekkid and go jump in the pond!

Karen starts stripping right then and there, much to Reba Sue's chaste surprise, so Phillip urges them to go into the other room to get changed.

While they do that, Phillip asks about Reba Sue's living situation, and we learn she's married to Horlon, and Tobe lives there too. No no, he's not our son...just the demon we summoned to possess our daughter, Katie!

They definitely play up the differences between the more refined yet outgoing 'city folk' and the more simple and basic and yet reserved farm people. And it actually works pretty well.

Horlon arrives home, with a new jeep in tow!, and sees his new wife with two men, and being a god fearing hillbilly, he assumes the worst. But they explain they're not there to screw his wife behind their back, but their jeep broke down, a jeep that looks a lot like the one you're towing!

Phil is a little upset about that, what with the millions in jewels stashes in the jeep, but he calms down, and says surely they can work something out, it IS his jeep, after all!

Horlon thinks he is being accused of stealing, so he gets upset, and says the bible says thou shalt not steal, so he didn't steal anything! Yeah, good, that's sound bible logic there, sure.

I don’t think white is really my colour…

Following a good night's sleep, and a visit from the Judge of Hell quoting scripture at us, a new day dawns and everyone wakes up. Horlon turns on the radio and hears about the heist. In a stunning display of hungover intelligence, he figures it out. Even for a hillbilly, two plus two isn't a difficult equation.

Phillip overhears though, and makes it clear, at the point of a gun, that they're going to be sticking around, and as long as everyone behaves, no one will get hurt. Sounds fair!

Kirk VanHorndog, who has been ogling Reba Sue all movie long, finally makes his move while the pair of them are alone in the house.

Suzanne sneaks a peak while the pair go at it, and starts thinking to herself. And I gotta say, 40 minutes into your movie feels like a weird place to suddenly drop in an internal monologue, that never happens again.

Suzanne, being a conniving bitch, finds Karen and tells her about what her supposed boyfriend is doing back at the farmhouse. And she makes the best whimpering howl over the news.

The woman rushes to the house, attacks Reba Sue, and it all ends when she clobbers the thieving woman in the head repeatedly with a cheap jar of hooch. It is about time.

This demented farm has been having a distinct lack of death or massacring, I'm just saying.

Also, Reba Sue's scream is fantastic as well.

"Are you boys doing all right?" "Sure thing, we're used to having to hide dead bodies."

Phillip finds a way to use this to his advantage though, and after saying murdering Karen was *snort* "unkind" he uses it as leverage against the farmers, threatening to tell the police about their involvement in the murder, should they go to the police.

Since Kirk is down a girlfriend, and Reba Sue is still around, he tries to convince her to come with him, once they leave, instead of staying around the husband who now knows she cheated on him.

He shows her all the jewels as a means of persuasion, and has to take the time to explain why all the "broke glass" is worth a lot of money.

Oh, I bet she knows exactly what to do with that.

Phillip calls Kirk away, and we hear about how he has a plan to take over the moonshine business for the, what, three days they'll be here? Do they really need toe 100 bucks that'll make? When they have a MILLION DOLLAR IN JEWELS?? I guess road money is nice, but...

Kirk goes to break the news to Horlon and 'convince' him of the new way of things…at the end of a gun.

The farmer tries to do the old "Look behind you!" trick, but Kirk doesn't fall for it. So, instead, Horlon asks if that's a real gun? Can I have a look at it? and actually takes it right out of the criminal's hands. He tosses it to Tobe, and he ends up shooting Kirk.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT ACTUALLY WORKED.

Following that, adding insult to injury, Horlon Wolverines Kirk to the wall through the neck with a pitchfork.

Horlon and Tobe run off to try and escape before the others can stop them, and run over Suzanne on their way out. The banjos start playing as Phillip gets in the jeep and gives chase. This is the hillbilly equivalent of Yackety Sax.

And we get treated to, I am not making this up, a backroads hillbilly car chase. And I kinda love it.

The chase, which goes on for maybe a bit too long, comes to an abrupt end when Horlon's truck runs out of gas...thanks to using some to get the jeep running again.

The Fast and the Furious: Kentucky Drift

Phillip continues to chase them on foot into the forest, until Tobe gets his foot stuck in a bear trap. And that's when Horlon remembers the best advice of chases; I don't have to be the fastest, I just need to be faster than YOU.

So the farmer runs off, leaving his farmhand behind, to be shot in the head when Phillip finally finds him.

Horlon somehow hurts his leg off camera, and not sure if this is an issue with the original film, or something got edited out by Olen Ray, but here we are.

The man limps along with a branch for a crutch, and he pauses to pray and try and make a deal with God. But there is no swapping of places, as Phillip catches up to the limping Horlon.

Unfortunately, Phillip has run out of bullets, and Horlon beats him to death with his walking stick.

Having survived, Horlon heads home to his wife, who has found a gun in the back with all the jewels. Thinking over everything that has happened so far, and everything that's been said, and hearing Horlon's plan to sell the jewels himself and...she shoots him.

So Reba Sue takes the jewels and rides off alone into the sunset, and does this count as a happy ending?

Please, I’m begging you! I have a family! Where is the way out of the woods??

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It’s a bit rough. You can tell this is a much older movie, and a lot of detail is lost in the softness. It’s not the worst, but it’s still pretty rough.

Audio: An all right mix. Compared to the visuals, it’s amazing.

Sound Bite: “These hillbillies are big, strong, and dumb. They got muscles they ain't even used yet...especially in their heads!"

Body Count: Percentage wise, it’s almost a clean sweep, but it’s a small cast.

1 - Karen gets her head bashed in with a moonshine jug at about the 45 minute mark.

2 - Harlan and Tobe shoot and pitchfork Mike when he tries to take over.

3 - Suzanne gets run over in the haste to chase

4 - Tobe gets shot by Phillip

5 - Phillip gets beaten by Harlan

6 - Reba Sue shoots Harlan

Best Corpse: Mike’s death is the highlight, as it’s a little bit more involved, and doesn’t just kinda happen and we move on. The only other real contender is Tobe, who has the bonus of a nice head wound.

Blood Type - C: It’s an all right amount of blood, but nothing too surprising.

Sex Appeal: I don’t think there was any straight up nudity, but they definitely play up the sleaziness with ogling the women’s bodies.

Drink Up! Every time John Carradine shows up to say one line and disappear.

Movie Review: This is kinda…adorably sleazy? Like yeah, it’s low budget, it ogles any and every woman, but there’s something about this movie…the plot is straightforward, and very much of the drive in early 70s era. The acting is all right, with a few solid performances, but about what you’d expect. All in all, it’s a very Troma movie. It’s not great, but it manages to do what it does well, and still make you feel a bit dirty for having watched it. Quite the experience. Three out of five jugs of hooch.

Entertainment Value: This comes almost entirely from the performances. The culture clash of the city folks vs. the hillbillies works surprisingly well, especially Horlon’s hypocritical holier than thou attitude. The situations keep things light and silly, despite a lot of murder and being y’know, a hostage situation. It’s a fun little Troma-y movie, that keeps you amused well enough. The biggest problem is the random John Carradines. They add nothing to the movie, and he just shows up to spout a line of scripture every 15 minutes or so. It’s not even there to act as a bridging device to flesh out an unfinished movie. So weird. Two out of five stolen diamonds.