Barn of the Blood Llama (1997)

BARN OF THE BLOOD LLAMA

WRITERS: Kirk Hunter & Kevin West

DIRECTOR: Kevin L. West

STARRING: KirkHunter as Gibby

Earl Saathoff as Bock

Kelley Swinney as Dr. Albert

Kevin L. West as Jug

Lucinda Cruse as Toni

QUICK CUT: Strange happenings are afoot at the World o’ Wool llama ranch.

THE MORGUE

Toni - A young woman making her way through the backroads of Texas, when circumstance lands her in the middle of a bunch of chaos and killer llamas.

Gibby - A none to bright farmhand who is trying to get a new brain.

Jug - Gibby’s brother, who is jealous that ma always liked him best.

Bock - A washed up one hit wonder singer looking to recapture his faded glory.

Dr. Albert - The local animal doctor and coroner. He’s a bit of a mad scientist and will do anything for a buck. Or a hundred.

TRISK ASSESSMENT: Welcome back, Triskelions, and happy April Fool's Day! This year I found...well, I found the movie a few years ago, and then forgot about it, but finally remembered I wanted to tackle Barn of the Blood Llama, because that sounds appropriately ridiculous enough for April Fools. This also might now be the single most obscure movie I own. So, let's throw them barn doors open and let this thing out.

The movie quickly introduces us to the titular llamas, by having one of them swap out a record, and smoke a cigarette, firmly establishing them as somewhat sentient before the credits even roll.

During the credits, we are treated to an explanation of "male berserk syndrome" from a very curious inclusion. If you dig around about this movie, you will see Clive Barker himself credited as being in it. And he is. Kinda.

See, he's the one giving the explanation, and it's reused footage of him giving this definition.

Yes, Clive Barker is in this movie. But Clive Barker isn’t IN this movie.

But we then meet Bea and her friend as they're driving through Texas on their way to work at the Greezee Squeez, and Bea is having fun with a boy toy in the back of their car. Until he is unceremoniously ditched on the side of the road.

This is intercut and juxtaposed with a scene of a doctor having sex with a llama and...ah. Yeah, this movie gets pretty sleazy and trashy, folks. It ticks a lot of boxes.

We then meet the owners of the local llama farm, Pa, working on some wool, and his two kids, Gibby and Jug. Oh great, a whole pirate crew with jolly pirate nick names. We take a few moments to make fun of the handicapped, and established the siblings' rivalry.

Oh, if this wasn’t icky enough already, the vet is actually sleeping with two DIFFERENT llamas, and one of them discovers his infidelity, and runs off.

Meanwhile, the ladies see a rock musician hitching a ride and decide to pick him up. This is the one hit wonder, Bock. He's from Texas, and has a British accent. This movie has a LOT going on. I might need a flowchart.

Look, if I'm gonna start talking about plot holes like a Texan with a British accent because he was in Seattle, I am gonna be here all day. This movie is obviously not one to be taken TOO seriously.

We then meet Toni, who is just trying to find her way to Justiceburg, but is lost in this middle of nowhere place. She's too busy checking the map, when the spurned llama runs out in front of her car, and is hit.

The girls drop Bock off at Pa's farm or thereabouts, and he runs into Doctor Albert. We learn that he is here to get treatments done to restore some youth, like he did some time before. See, Dr. Albert isn't just into dirty deeds done with sheep, he's also into experimental treatments and drugs.

As the doc drives off, he sees his girl by the side of the road, and tries to save her, while having Toni call for help.

I’m here to speak to you about the Woolvengers Initiative.

Pa and the kids also drive by, so at least we're wasting no time at having all our plots intersect. Toni pays Jug some money for killing their llama, the tow truck comes by and drags the llama away, and Toni crashes at the World o' Wool ranch while someone remembers to eventually fix her car.

Meanwhile, the girls at the Greezee Squeez knock off work for the day, and head to the farm so they can be in Bock's new video.

But now it's time for the llama's funeral, and it's really just an excuse for more weird jokes, and a drunken preacher. And a llama shaped coffin. Is that standard, or a custom job?

It's finally time for Bock's treatment, they dip him in questionable waters, he forms a cocoon, and comes out with pink hair, a slightly more youthful look, and an umbilical cord he swings around his music video. And that is one of the weirder sentences I will write about this movie.

And somehow, this all finally sets off the llamas and they start attacking people, so at least we can finally get this movie going.

The llamas attack the girl's boss who came along for her shot at fame, and she gets spat on, and melted from acid spit. We have spitting llamas, I repeat, we have spitting llamas.

Pa and his boys defend the ranch with shotguns and dung pellets, and hold the line. Pa however, does try to catch one with his fishing line, but instead is dragged through the air and dies.

While all this is going on, Doc Albert tries to explain what's going on with the aforementioned male berserk syndrome, or maybe mutant side effects from his experiments into youth serums.

Everyone hunkers down at the ranch for the night, and Bock and the girls have sexy fun times while everyone is sleeping.

The next day, the girls rush off to a nearby pond to clean up, and sprinkle some sexytimes into the plot, while the boys watch.

Meanwhile, a trio of lady bowlers show up to have their balls waxed, because this movie needs more random people to kill off.

Toni's car finally returns to the ranch, but it's a different colour. Which I might be able to confirm, if this movie didn't randomly jump between colour, black and white, and sepia toned film.

As night falls, the llamas attack, and Gibby checks in with Albert. We learn that the wool is normal, but the cud is bright, meaning the dip is having "the opposite effect". I GUESS.

The women, who have been training all day with yoga and sharpened can lids, do their part this time to help defend the farm. Even the bowlers get in on the action by smashing llama eggs with their balls. ...Yes, there are fur covered llama eggs, let's move on.

Unfortunately, when they go to retrieve their balls, the ladies discover the llamas have taken them, and use them as weapons to try take out one of the bowlers.

She survives though, and runs into a baby llama that spits fire, because at this point, why not?

The history of fire eating is as old as llama itself.

The bowler survives all this, only to encounter a llama with a retrieved can lid, that it uses to decapitate her. The head is retrieved by Gibby so the doc can use her brain to replace his. Oh, did I not mention that's a plot point? Yeah, this movie has a LOT going on.

Later that night, the head llama puppet shows up in Toni's bed, threatening her with a knife, but it's not necessary. She's shockingly down for llama sex, as long as he wears a condom.

She also comments on how there's been a full moon every night this month, and it is WAY too late in the game for this movie to try and be clever and meta.

I’m gonna carve you up like a rack of me!

The new day dawns, and the doc hooks up the bowler's head like she's the Brain That Wouldn't Die, to make sure she's a better brain than the one Gibby has. But as Albert points out, that's an awfully low bar to clear.

While they wait to make sure everything is good to go, Doc Albert enlists Stouker the mechanic who was nearby, to help with gathering some llama sperm, so he can try and put an end to this movie.

They stick the mechanic in a llama decoy to milk them for sperm, and it all goes horribly wrong, ending with him choking to death on llama sperm instead.

Elsewhere on the ranch, the girls are washing Toni’s car for...no particular reason, really. Not even a wet tshirt amongst them. But it's all cut short when the llamas show up to kill them both.

In the lab, the bowler's head is randomly spouting off nonsense, and Jug is worried she might "spill the beans" about ma. But...why would she know anything about what happened to Ma? *I* don't know anything, and I've been here longer!

Also, the head tells them that everything they need to escape is in a bag on the floor, and again, same question!

Inside the bag is a keyboard guitar, and I mean computer keyboard. Bock sets up for the dance battle of his life, and tells the llamas that he's one of them, so they can't hurt him! Which I would complain that's not how things work, but NOTHING in this movie is how anything works!

Llama, just killed a man, spit upside it's head, it melted and now he's dead...

The llama instead sprays water on Bock, electrocuting him, and somehow summoning the *checks my notes* ...the Bliss Enabler. Who tries to give Gibby a new brain.

But, Gibby follows the brain right out the top window of the barn, and plummets to his death.

Doc is next to reach into the bag, and finds a package of chocolate. He thinks he sees the llama his life, but it's not real, "Just like my medical license!" which explains A LOT!

If some guy shows up, lifts up his dress and wants to show you his brain, I suggest you keep on walking.

Another llama takes advantage of the ruse, and kills him though, so I am starting to feel like this bag's means of escape is death. Technically, accurate.

Jug is about to get rid of the bag, when Toni stops him, and starts giving her backstory about how she got here. And lady, there is ten minutes left to this movie, we are WAY too late for backstory.

He instead reaches into the bag to discover his own fate, and finds a pile of Ma's clothes, and a wig. To which Toni declares...Jug must have killed her, out of jealousy! Holy plot twist.

Jug realises that Ma was the only one the llamas ever listened to, so he gets all dressed up to command them into the barn, and give he and Toni a chance to make a run for it.

Mama Jug gets them all in the barn, this ridiculous plan in this ridiculous movie somehow working, she makes the baby firebreathing llama sneeze, which sets the barn on fire, taking out all the llamas in a fiery blaze.

The downside is, Jug is injured, and is at last the cripple he always wished he could be to impress mama.

Fortunately, Toni finds her keys, and gets the hell out of this movie. But not before they tease that she is pregnant with the llama's baby.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: Not great. I’ve surely seen worse, and I can at least follow the movie. But I genuinely have no idea how much of the colours and washed out nature of the movie is by design.

Audio: Bearable, but not great. The movie sounds like when someone takes a movie and replaces the soundtrack with silly dialogue, except it was always like that.

Sound Bite: “Kids these days. Aren't happy unless something's on fire."

Body Count: Not too shabby.

1 - Some random woman gets llama stomped during the credits.

2 - The llama gets run over, eight minutes in.

3 - Woman gets melted by the blood llama

4 - Pa goes flying off to his death

5 - One of the bowlers trips and loses her head somehow

6 - Stouker dies after a freak sperm accident

7 - One of the women gets stomped on by llamas

8 - And then another

9 - Bock bursts into flames and is electrocuted

10 - Gibby gets his brain eaten by llamas

11 - The doc gets killed by a llama.

Best Corpse: The melted corpse from llama spit is pretty sweet.

Blood Type - C+: Some decent blood, some solid effects actually.

Sex Appeal: Some brief bare breasts at the swimmin’ hole.

Drink Up! Every time the movie changes from colour to black and white or sepia

Movie Review: I don’t even know where to begin with this movie. There is a narrative or three in all this that you can follow, and it all vaguely culminates into a climax. Which is more than I can say for a lot of movies I’ve covered here. But there is SO MUCH going on, as well as being fairly random, and weird, that it feels less coherent than it probably is. The acting is low budget at its finest. Some people actually give top notch performances for a no budget flick like this. I almost wish the plot was more focused on the idea of a killer llama or two, instead of everything else it piles on top of it. It’s far from the worst thing I’ve seen, but it’s a weird mess of stream of consciousness wrapped in a plot. Two out of five heads in a pan.

Entertainment Value: How to best describe this movie? This is the spiritual successor to Manos: The Hands of Fate. Some people on a remote farm making a passion project that makes little to no sense to anyone outside of it. And I respect that. And it sure seems like a lot of people involved were having fun making this. It is such a weird weird movie, it’s almost worth seeing just so you can experience this, and tell people about it. I feel like I’m going to be thinking about this movie for a long time. Three out of five cud facials.