The Monster Man (2001) — Triskaidekafiles

THE MONSTER MAN

WRITER: Jose Prendes

DIRECTOR: Jose Prendes

STARRING: Jose "Super Genius" Prendes as Jake the Snake

Denice "Homer Loves" Duff as Katherine the Great

Conrad "Plan Nine from Outer Space" Brooks as Lord Gideon Bible

Rachel "Steak 'n Cheese" Chin as Lt. Pax

John Paul "Just Sucked on a Lemon" Bellomo as Commander Max

Tom "Sex Machine" Savini as Uncle Joe

Linnea "I Was in Return of the Living Dead' Quigley as Aunt Ruth

QUICK CUT: A young man just tries to live his life when new neighbours move in down the block.

THE MORGUE

Jake - A young man who loves film, and just wants to survive. He has a lifelong love of weapons, and is arguably skilled at using them.

Katherine - A woman who survive the apocalypse largely because she slept through it, and is now discovering how bad things are.

Lord Gideon - The leader of the invading aliens, who has no time for failure.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! We are finishing up January, with...where to start with this movie? For my birthday adjacent review, it's either something I love, or something absolutely weird, and this definitely falls in the latter category. But "The Monster Man" doesn't quite reach the pleasant highs of the last few reviews. It also doesn't reach the dizzying lows of most of the December reviews. It sure is odd though.

The movie opens up with some *sigh* text cards that have some really childish jokes, like, "If you read that, you're dumb and gay". I'm not gonna be too harsh since this was 20 years ago, and we all have that edgy phase like this, but here we are, right out the gate...

But then the movie starts, with our lead actor, our director, our writer, and about six other jobs including narrator, tells us the world ended in 2210, and only one man was left alive, Jake.

We hear a clucking off camera, as Jake pulls a gun at the noise, gets out of his too-small chair, and decides he feels like killin' tonight.

As he heads deeper into the jungle, the clucking continues. Jake scans the foliage, taking note of all the farting animals (Not a joke) until a bunch of ninjas dressed in black, and one or two (but really just one) in white, appear.

These "ninjas" as we will find out shortly, are actually aliens. They all cluck. Why do they cluck? It is too early for questions like this. Whatever the case may be, they at least go down easy with a single shot from the pistol

Jake quickly runs out of bullets, but he has his sword, and that does just as good a job on these alien ninjvaders. But when a whole slew of them rush Jake, he switches to kicking them, which...also seems to kill them? This is very unclear. This is another thing we'll get back to later.

If all it takes to kill an alien is kicking and/or punching it, it's kinda sad we lost to them. And we deserved it.

And while all this is transpiring, there is this one song playing. Endlessly. Looped within itself. Get used to it, because it is the only song they got.

The credits roll, and every credit has some cutesy attempt at humour, and I included those as you can see in the cast listing above, so you can get a feel of what this movie is.

Once the credits are done, Jake resumes narrating, filling us in on the plague that wiped out all of humanity but him. The dialogue is filled with stuff like "it took a week, yes that's right, three days" and "the killing plague that kills", and more, as it tries very hard to be funny. Fortunately, the movie gets all these out of its system now, for the most part, but the dialogue doesn't improve too much.

Jake wanders around his home, filled with movie posters, junk, and a Buffy the Vampire Slayer standee. Huh, it's almost like the home of a film nerd. And to be clear, I say this as a film nerd myself.

He relates how his parents were the first to go, because of their diabetes "Or something like that, I dunno, I wasn't paying attention," and then going to live with his aunt Ruth and Uncle Joe. "Played in this flashback by Tom Savini of From Dusk 'Til Dawn fame, and Linnea Quigley, from Return of the Living Dead."

Aunt Linnea has a few lines before she dies, and the scene was totally not filmed in a hotel somewhere, probably at a horror convention.

Uncle Tom then gives one of his three important life lessons, and he'll pop up throughout the movie to impart his wisdom upon the flashbacks. The first lesson is, "Always have more weapons than the other guy".

Meanwhile, a ninjalien has found Jake's apartment, but Jake hears the clucking, and gives chase. The creature splats nicely enough for this budget, when its head is run over by a car.

And if that doesn't work, have a tinier gun in a codpiece.

Jake heads to the shockingly well stocked grocery store for the post apocalypse, to gather supplies. I guess you could handwave this by saying he’s the last human, so there’s no one he’s competing with for resour…OH WAIT the aliens. Oh and surprise, Jake hears screams from someone not alien, and rushes out to save her.

Meanwhile, we meet two other aliens, who look 100% human to me, dressed in silver robes, as they go to meet someone that "drive them to creeps".

And that's when Lord Gideon arrives, dressed in a darker silvery robe, the ruler of the entire lot of aliens. And oh no.

I have come to take you all to Superhell!

We head to Gideon's chambers, and meet two MORE ninjaliens, these dressed in PURPLE outfits, because they're like...super ninjas? I dunno. None of this matters.

The Grapists are given the important mission to search and retrieve the two humans, for Gideon's own ends.

We move to Jake's place, as the woman wakes up, and we get some exposition. This is where we learn they are "alien ninjas from outside space". And, I know I've already established that, but can we still take a moment to unpack that, because honestly, it's a lot.

Welcome to my chambers; this random unfurnished apartment.

They spend some time establishing how the caste system of this alien race is designated by the colours of their clothes, and how they are so different from us, because those who wear white are unclean, and black signifies good, clean, higher status. Why are we even pointing this out? It has zero bearing on anything.

Jake asks Cathy how she survived, and we get a flashback to her discovering her parents dead (off camera, as they can't afford anymore actors), and then just walking off. So, less "how" she survived and more just "she survived".

Their romantic dinner of bread and crumbs is interrupted by some alien chuckleclucks outside, and we get uncle Savini's second piece of advice, "get a sword, they're great for close combat"

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Jake heads outside with a boxing bag on the end of a strap, and beats on the seemingly endless stream of alien goons for awhile.

I will say this for the film; someone is actually capable of choreographing a competent fight. Sure, it's not some big action sequence, but it's laid out and executed well for a low budget flick like this.

Once he's done, Jake heads to the store, because I guess he only got enough supplies for one day. But this leaves Cathy alone for the ninjaliens to come and take her.

Large purple ninjas from outer space should not sneak!

Once Jake returns and finds the note left behind, we get another of Savini's Aphorisms, saying to "Never underestimate the other guy"

Jake heads back out into the jungle to beat on more ninjaliens, and have one weirdass moment where he sees a guy in a caveman outfit waving around a snake??

He is eventually grabbed by Igg and Ook, and the two silver robed aliens, Gideon's right hand entities, confront Jake. One of them says "it's true what they say, you are quite good."

I dunno, man, he seems barely adequate to me.

They drag Jake to meet with Lord Gideon, to parley about the future of humanity, and this monumental discussion...

So it is decided, well, decreed by Lord Gideon really, that Jake shall fight Mike and Ike, and if he survives...he shall get a tropy!

And if he loses...he shall still get a trophy! For participation!

Following a brief reunion with Katherine, Jake is taken to fight the first of the Purple Nurples...on a tennis court??

The giant ninjalien can take hits a lot better than anyone else so far in this film, and Jake actually has a bit of a challenge. The fight is actually fairly ridiculous, featuring an overly long moment of Jake offering his hand to shake to end the fight. If I can remember to find/make a clip, I'll try and include it.

When the purple ninjalien comes in and accepts the handshake, Jake pulls him in, puts him in a headlock, and snaps his neck. Now, that's just dirty pool. This is the guy representing humanity? Maybe we do deserve to be wiped out.

Round one has concluded, and Jake is put back in the park restrooms...er, prison cell, with Kathy, while Lord Humungous deals with the loss.

Gideon is displeased with this turn of events, and takes it out on one of the silver robed minions. He pulls a gun out from his sleeve and...

I...

...He pulls out a gun and kills Max by SHOUTING BANG AT HIM. Read that again. ShoUting. Not ShoOting him. I...I need a minute hear. *fuck*

The time comes for the final battle, as Jake fights Purple Nurple #2 and while it's arguably tough, Jake finally prevails, and once again, Gideon is pissed. He grabs Katherine, and takes her to his lair to blow off some steam.

While Kathy gets tortured by Lord Gideon, the surviving higher up minion, Pax, who now fears for her life after what happened to Max, seeks Jake's help in stopping Emperor Palpitations.

I'm sorry, you don't get credit for finally helping when you are literally moments away from being killed by the lead bad guy.

But, she frees Jake so he can end the movie, at least. However, on their way out of the bathroom, she is stabbed in the back, like the backstabber she is, by one of the ninjaliens.

And then we get more Tao of Savini, with his final tip, "If you've lost everything else, punch shit, because you can't lose your hands!" Well, not until someone cuts them off, but I digress!

This leads to a lengthy fight sequence of Jake trying to make his way to Lord Gideon's timeshare. I get what we're going for here, those epic fight scenes of stuff like Oldboy, but after so much fighting, I just want to be done.

Finally, Jake reaches the room like the world's most insistent door to door salesmen who absolutely will NOT take no for an answer.

He blows away a few more disposable goons inside the apartment, and then finally confronts Lord Gideon himself who, well...

Wow, he…he literally brought a knife to a gun fight.

Lord Gideon, the grand high poobah of bad guys is seemingly dead, and there is somehow FIFTEEN MINUTES OF MOVIE LEFT.

Because they have to now fight their way out of the condo complex, through the jungle, and get home.

BUT WAIT! Plot twist! Gideon is NOT REALLY DEAD! He opens his eyes like you do when you're faking being asleep, and want to see if they've left.

And look, I love Conrad, truly, but does anyone think he's a good enough actor to make someone believe he's dead?

Lord Gideon catches up to Jake, after possibly stabbing Kathy, although that's never clear who did it, and he loudly declares, "Your punches can't hurt me!"

I swapped out with my stunt double for your coverage!

Jake's normal tactics are useless against Gideon, so so much for Uncle Tom's advice!

Lord Gideon taunts Jake for awhile, which is probably just there so Conrad can chew the scenery and have some fun, but eventually, Jake grabs his sword again.

The king of the ninjaliens continues to scoff, saying Jake can't hurt him, have you learned nothing!! and is so sure of himself...right up until Jake slices him across the eyes, and he, uh, somehow goes up in literal smoke?

Just to make sure, Jake stabs the smoke, probably inhaling a good portion of atomised Gideon, and then helping Katherine up who is...not at all hurt? HOW IS SHE NOT DEAD??

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It’s a rough looking video. Grainy, grey, sometimes blown out.

Audio: Also not great. A lot of dialogue is lost because it’s spoken too softly, music or sound plays over it, or hey, get that boom mic guy back from the beginning.

Sound Bite: “I can smell the fear in your eyes!”

Body Count: I...genuinely do not know how to handle a lot of this. I count "getting shot" as dead, but I tried not to count "kicked" as a killing blow. But they seem to have the same reaction to both attacks.

1 - Three and a half minutes in, and an alien is shot

2 - And a second

3 - And a third

4 - And a fourth

5 - And a fifth

6 7 8 9 10 are probably shot.

11 - Gets a leg sliced off

12 - And then another loses an arm

13 - Another gets sliced, and then a LOT get punched and kicked, but we're not counting them

14 - Jake runs over the head of an alien, after shooting it a few times.

15 - And then he snaps the neck of another one

16 - Jake snaps the neck of the alien ninja who comes to his house

17 - Jake snaps the champion's neck

18 - Gabriel shouts a minion to death

19 - The backstabbing minion gets stabbed in the back.

20, 21, 22 - Machine guns down three space ninjas

23 - Jake shoots another one that tries to jump him from behind.

24 - And another running down the stairs

25 - Shoots a black space ninjas

26 - Shoots his white space ninja pal

27 - Shoots another white

28 and 29 - And two more blacks

30 - An d one more black ninjas

31 - Shoots the space ninja guarding the door.

32 - And yet another in the apartment.

33 - Finally, Lord Gabriel gets shot.

34 - Katherine clobbers a ninja with a log

35 - And snaps another's neck

36 - Jack shoots a black ninja

37 - Gideon gets slashed in the eyes and turns to dust??

Best Corpse: I…I don’t know, I am so overwhelmed with bodies. They’re all mostly “body fell over” type deaths, so I guess Gideon’s death has a moment, and turning to smoke sure is somethin’.

Blood Type - D+: There’s really not much blood here. There’s a few sliced off limbs, and the squished head of a ninjalien by a car.

Sex Appeal: Nothing to see here.

Drink Up! Every time you hear a clucking squawk.

Video Nasties: Hopefully before anyone sees this, I’ve added in a clip of Jake fighting the purple aliens.

Movie Review: Oof this is rough. At least it HAS a plot, unlike some other movies we’ve looked through recently. It’s super basic and straightforward, choosing more to try and spice things up with attempts at ‘clever’ quips. The acting is about what you’d expect from this level, although Katherine actually has some chops. But it’s mostly just a glorified series of fight scenes, although well executed for this level. I definitely give out an A for effort here. It’s a goofy movie that tries to hard, but I still managed to have some fun here. Two out of five punching bags.

Entertainment Value: The movie is clearly a comedy, as much as it’s anything else. It’s got goofy humour, it has deliberate gaffes, breaks the fourth wall, etc etc. But so much of that comes off as trying too hard, like the filmmaker was raised on 90s movies and was trying to capture the cleverness of a young Tarantino, but without the style. But there’s some basic competency here, and I AM genuinely pleased to see that Prendes is still directing movies, mostly for the Asylum. There’s a hint of talent here, and he kept at it, and good for him. This movie might be messy and struggling under budget and talent restraints, but there is an undeniable energy to it, and people are clearly having fun. Seeing what they’re gonna do with the fights, what goofy thing is gonna happen next, etc. It’s not a great movie, it’s an early effort, but it gets points for trying, and at least making sense. I’ve definitely had worse times. Three out of five squished melons.