Toe Tags (2003) — Triskaidekafiles

TOE TAGS

WRITER: John Overbey

DIRECTOR: Darla Enlow

STARRING: Dru Callis as Billy Gilmore

Judy Charles as Victoria Geiler

Darka Enlow as Kate Wagner

Marc Page as Mark Weiss

Andrew Lombardo as Jeff Stapleton

Larry Scott as Capt. Blake

QUICK CUT: A wacky bunch of characters try and get along in an apartment complex.

THE MORGUE

Mark Weiss - A detective who has a good heart, and just wants to get the job done.

Kate Wagner - Mark’s partner, possibly in more ways than one. She can be quick to anger, and like a dog with a bone when she has a suspect

Jeff Stapleton - A crime scene investigator that often works with the two lead detectives. He’s got a tongue in cheek sense of humour, and cracks jokes at inopportune moments.

Capt. Blake - An over the top police chief who just wants to close the case, and is increasingly frustrated when bodies keep dropping.

Toe Tags and machetes and whiskers on kittens. These are a few of my favourite things.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! We are finishing up May with something...new isn't the word for it, but it works well enough. I recently had my attention drawn to "Pendulum Pictures", which was a releasing label for indie, low budget, horror movies, in low cost multipacks ranging from six to 50! I believe they were a subsidiary or partner of Mill Creek, which makes sense with the 50 packs. Anyways, this is all right up my alley and I felt like this would give me a MUCH better track record than my other 50 packs. Also, I've done a few of these movies already via other sources, so I have some familiarity.

So I grabbed one of them off eBay, since they are well and truly out of print these days, and literally picked one movie at random, which is how we got here with Toe Tags!

Toe Tags is by Darla Enlow, who also did "Branded" which I took a look at a year or so ago, and this is very much of the same ilk. But I am getting ahead of myself, and we should begin at the begin.

We open up on a guy running through a garage being chased by a large dude with a machete, but even though there's a death, none of this matters. It's all just a movie one of the characters is watching on tv.

HEY BART WANNA CHECK OUT MY NEW MACHETE AND SKI MASK??

This gives us a shot of the character looking right at us and saying "This movie fucking sucks!" as he switches channels. Hey, you said it pal, not me!

He's using the tv to try and drown out his neighbour having wild sex on the other side of the thin walls of the apartment complex. But she’s actually being killed. Oops, all murders!

Eventually, Billy can't take anymore, storms to her apartment door to have words with his neighbour, but the noises stop the instant he gets there.

That's a bit of an unconventional way to draw a penis on someone's face while they sleep.

So just as Billy is about to head back to his apartment, he runs into the building manager, Mrs. Geiler. And since the noise has ceased, they both go their separate ways, leaving the body to rot, undiscovered.

Billy gets woken up the next day by a cop, now that the body HAS been discovered, looking to take his statement. He heads downtown, while our main characters, Detectives Kate Wagner and Mark Weiss show up to do their detecting. Oh, Billy is also a cop, but this is a minor plot point that is little more than “Hey I know that guy from work!” But with less gladiatorial combat.

They don't get a whole lot, so we're in a bit of a wait and see holding pattern. This can be annoying in movies, but this one has a lot going on, so it’s not too big a deal. Meanwhile, one of their locations looks a LOT like the house from Branded, which makes sense.

After another day of policework, Officer Billy heads home and puts on another movie which he declares sucks. Wow, there is just NO pleasing this guy.

There's a knock at his door, and he lets whomever it is in, wondering why they're there. Which is a big mistake, as he meets the wrong end of a knife, and becomes the killer's next victim.

Meanwhile, the detectives get a call from the coroner that they're ready to do the autopsy, and sorry for the delay, the toe tag went missing. Oh, hello title.

They also get a call that Billy's prints were on some evidence, and they go to question him. Hope they aren't expecting much in the way of answers when they get their.

Kate is sure the weird building manager did it, and heads to question her, leaving Weiss to finish up with Billy’s crime scene. We get the tidbit of info dropped that Kate used to date Billy, but they broke it off because he hooked up with the first victim. All right, I need a flow chart...

Mark goes to collect Kate before she harasses her suspect too much. They make a big deal out of this, but in my opinion, her questioning is pretty mild.

If you're having relationship issues, I have a doctor friend I could hook you up with

Back at HQ, they get chewed out by the chief, and he is HILARIOUSLY over the top. Might be the single best thing about this movie so far.

Meanwhile, the witness they keep meaning to question is being stalked. As she reaches for a door handle, the movie cuts to Kate reaching for a phone. This movie thinks its clever.

Anyways, the call is from the medical examiner, who is ALSO wonderfully over the top, because he's upset at ANOTHER toe tag going missing.

Back at Sam's, she find out she should have trusted her instincts as the killer giallos into her apartment, and kills her before she can have a late night snack.

So this movie just through a BUNCH of ridiculousness at me at a rapid fire pace, and I am so very here for it.

The next day, the detective duo show up, and holy plot twist Batman! Mark was dating Sam! No, seriously, where is that flow chart??

Another woman barges in on the crime scene, and blurts out she saw Mrs. Geiler lurking around the night before. So once again, Kate goes to harass her.

Following that, they go to talk to the M.E. about the latest victim, and again, a toe tag has gone missing. This is the *weirdest* plot detail.

They found the murder weapon in Sam's apartment, and when they ran the prints, that got some guy named Jake who has been vaguely wandering around the plot. So Weiss and Wagner make plans to arrest him in the morning.

Meanwhile, back at the Stabby Arms apartment, the aforementioned Jake is finishing up having sex with his girlfriend, and heads to the kitchen to make a snack.

You know, murdering people in their kitchens is becoming a pattern here. Anyways, Jake gets his neck slashed, and his girlfriend Terry, she meets a similar fate when she comes across the murder.

The next morning, our defective detectives arm up to go make their arrest, but on their way, they get the call that Jake is in no position to be taken into custody. Dangit, why does this keep happening to them??

While Kate goes to check out the girl's corpse, which has weirdly been moved and sliced open, which are ultimately details that go nowhere, the CSI on scene pulls Mark aside to talk to him.

Jeff hands Mark a note he took from the Billy crime scene, which was a note Kate had left there, and makes her look hella guilty.

Boys, I think I’ve cracked the case. This was the work of a chestburster.

He also tells Mark he thinks Kate is not well, and oh yeah! THEY used to date. Jesus, this isn't the Stabby Arms, this is Melrose Place.

Kate shows Mark the dead girl, and talks about how weird it is she was moved and carved up, and again, why are we dwelling on this? If you're not gonna do shit with it, why draw more attention to your plot holes?

Oh, oh wait, wait wait. I bet I know what happened. The filmed her carved up body in the bathroom, maybe scripted that way, but THEN after that, they filmed her getting killed discovering Jake in the kitchen. So they had to figure out a way to bridge that gap, had the killer drag the body off, and then just leaned into it.

It IS hilarious that they conveniently filmed this scene so you can't see the bathroom floor, and thus don't see the dead body, so you KNOW they're talking about nothing.

We cut to later, and Kate and Mark meet up at a bar to continue talking about the case. Mark is playing it cool, not letting Kate in on what he knows, and she's still dead set that it's Geiler.

She also starts flirting with her partner, and good lord, everyone in this movie needs to dial down the horny.

My pal Dr. Drew says not to date your coworkers!

There are some genuinely creative shots in this film, but it feels at odds with the rest of the movie. If you're tossing in random cool shots, trying to show of your skills, it just doesn't mesh with the flow of everything, and becomes distracting. There’s no stylistic through line.

While they split off and go their separate ways for the night, we see Jeff has randomly been stabbed, once again in a kitchen.

Later, the cops check in with their chief, and he's not happy with their performance on this case, since they've figured out very little so far.

Kate makes her case for Geiler being the killer, and the chief reluctantly agrees to get them a warrant. Before they leave, he tells them to tell the M.E. to stop calling and bothering him about the shitty security and the toe tags.

I mean, it's not like they're the title of your movie or anything.

Back at Stabby Arms, another girl is being stalked, and fortunately survives thanks to an officer left to guard the place. I wonder who she's slept with??

The cops hear about all this, and are off to arrest Geiler, but the chief stops them, telling them that the old lady is no longer a suspect.

Kate is losing her shit over this, and the chief explains they have a new suspect. Just give him a few minutes to get his shit together, and then he'll talk to them, but separately, starting with Mark.

When Weiss goes to have his chat, the chief says the coroner called him, and had some interesting stuff to say, and sent over a surveillance tape.

Nope, that’s not suspicious, not at all.

The chief dishes on everything weird Kate's been doing, and how her psych eval warns of her flirting with her partners, and violently protects them. This somehow explains the third murder of Weiss's girlfriend. And the next two murders "prove the pattern" because they were in love and happy.

...Yeah, no, that seems like a stretch to me.

ALSO, more toe tags have gone missing, and oop! the video tape shows Kate stealing them, for no particularly good reason.

The chief is going to put her under arrest but OH GOSH wouldn't you know it, Kate ran off while she was left *completely alone*.

Mark is sure she's going to the Stabby Arms, and insists that the captain let him go in alone. "Pfff, okay, she has a habit of stabbing people violently, she's all yours."

Kate shows up at the apartments, looking for Rose, and her weapon drawn and at the ready. And surprising no one, she finds her, and the killer has finished the job he was interrupted from earlier

How do you NOT see this guy as you’re lurking about??

While she tries to tend to the body, Mrs. Geiler sneaks up behind her, and gasp surprise, the person we thought it was all along was the person who it was, all along!

Mark shows up trying to warn his partner, but when she tries to let him in, she gets stabbed in the back. Repeatedly. No no, more than tat.

He sees Geiler, tells her to put the knife down, and he puts his weapon away. His demeanor changes, he becomes almost gentle and...he calls her MOM.

Yup, there's a twist! It's not entirely clear if he did any of the killings, or was just protecting his mom, but Mark knew more than he as letting on. Oh, and he was the one stealing the toe tags, for his mom. For...reasons?

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It’s not the best looking thing, but for an extremely indie movie, crammed onto a disc with three or four other movies? I can’t complain. I can see everything, which puts it above so many other movies.

Audio: A little below average, nothing really of note.

Sound Bite: “Do you mind if we ask you a few questions?" "I do, but I suppose you're going to ask me anyways."

Body Count: A nice collection of corpses in a pretty short movie.

1 - 45 seconds and some dude is already pummeled with a wrench

2 - Beth gets killed during sex

3 - Billy gets stabbed in his kitchen

4 - Samantha gets slashed in her bathroom.

5 - Jake is the next to get slashed

6 - Followed by the girl he's with

7 - Jeff gets stabbed while drinking

8 - Rose finally catches up with her fate.

9 - Kate gets stabbed as the killer is revealed

Blood Type - B: It’s got quite a bit of blood splashed around, and the grade is brought up by some good effects in a few moments.

Sex Appeal: Lots of T&A in this one, and even some topless men for those who appreciate that

Drink Up! Every time someone dies in a kitchen.

Movie Review: I am shocked by how much I liked this. It was better than Branded, at least on the sheer level that it had a more coherent story. Toe Tags isn’t brilliant by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s got a decent enough story here, even if it could use a bit more to it. And as I like to say, I can’t be too mad at a movie that gets out in 70 minutes. The acting is…decent enough. Not great, and the over the top actors are clearly doing that on purpose, so I appreciate that people were clearly having fun making this. It’s well made, in a basic meat and potatoes way, and it tries a few tricks, even if they clash with the rest of the tone, as I said earlier. There’s some good intrigue, the twist is shocking, albeit out of nowhere. The biggest problem is that it needs just a bit more to explain a few details, especially the toe tags YOUR MOVIE IS NAMED AFTER. Charmingly entertaining, three out of five dropped half gallons of milk.

Entertainment Value: The kills, or more accurately the corpses, are some definite highlights. There are touches of humour throughout the movie. The two lead detectives actually feel like real people, even if some of the others border on cartoons, which is a bonus in its own way. And one of the benefits of only being 65 minutes long, is that the plot MOVES and you never have a chance to get bored, even if the downside of that is that the plot gets a pinch murky. Three out of five stolen doughnuts.