Invasion of the Space Preachers (1990)

INVASION OF HE SPACE PREACHERS

WRITER: Daniel Boyd

DIRECTOR: Daniel Boyd

STARRING: Jim Wolfe as Walter Bennett

Guy Nelson as Rick Lowery

Eliska Hahn as Nova

Gary Brown as Reverend Lash

Jesse Johnson as Vic 20

John Riggs as Johnny Angel

John Marshall as Truman Gator

Bradford Boll as Brother John

Geoffrey Coward as Brother Jacob

QUICK CUT: A lawyer and a dentist take a vacation in the woods, and get to know the colourful local characters, and gain a deeper appreciation for their culture.

THE MORGUE

Walter - A self described henpecked man, who just recently got a divorce, and is just getting by with his dentistry practice. He’s a nice guy, with a good heart, who is always trying to do the right thing.

Rick - Walter’s best friend, who claims to be a spy, but is actually an accountant. He clearly wants a different life, and is one of those stock characters who hates his life, his wife, and everything. He’s also much less willing to help out, and is always looking for an angle that will benefit him. And if there isn’t one, he’s gone.

Nova - An alien who looks shockingly human, but I’ll allow it. She’s a bit naive, but not as much as she could be, having watched old Earth television broadcast. She’s an alien on a mission though, seeking the fugitive alien, Krytar.

Reverend Lash - A fire and brimstone type revivalist preacher, who is using technology to try and take over the hearts and minds of his congregation and beyond. Oh, and he’s also the alien Krytar.

Johnny Angel - A local rockabilly singer Elvis wannabe. Friendly, good ol’ boy.

Gator - A general store owner and manager, who rents out his shitty cabin in the woods to unsuspecting schmucks from the city. He’s always looking for a way to make a buck of the gullible cityfolk.

Vic - A dudebro survivalist Rambo wannabe that’s into government conspiracies and thinks everyone is out to get him. And he also trains tourists in the ways of the woods.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! It's May, and this week I decided to take a look at a recent acquisition of mine, Invasion of the Space Preachers. I'll let you have a moment to process that title.

The movie kicks off after some annoyingly barely readable credits, by introducing us to Walter Bennett, a local dentist, as he tries to explain to a patient that she has had more than enough gas.

Walt gets distracted, she takes an extra hit, and ends up cavorting around gleefully until she passes out.

Next, we meet his best friend, accountant Rick Lowery. He tries to convince the local kids he's a special agent, but that quickly gets dispelled, and his kid gets mocked that his dad is essentially a lying loser.

The pair of them meet up the next day, and head off to what Lowery's wife believes is a conference, but they're actually just heading off into the woods to rent a cabin, get away, and do some fishing.

After a bunch of driving, they get some gas, and are invited to check out the "Dung House". And it is exactly what you would expect, a giant house made out of dung.

I'm sure y'all can pick up that this movie has a sense of humour about it all, and everything is just the wrong side of ridiculous. But...somehow it works. Plopping these two average schlubs with their average jobs and surround them with utter silliness actually helps ground them, and make you empathise with them buggering off to escape for a week.

Our zeroes continue driving along, trying not to get lost, when a truck pulls along side them, and I am just angry they did the Grey Poupon joke so I can't do it myself.

Eventually they find the town they're looking for, and stop at the first bar they see to get the lay of the land, and further directions to their cabin.

Chuck Norris sure has fallen on hard times.

Things seem fine, until Walter accidentally spills his beer, knocking out the tv right in the middle of a sporting event. This upsets the local yokels, and a fight is a-brewin'.

Fortunately, the local preacher shows up, BRANDISHING A WHIP and whipcracks one of the locals in the face, and then grabs a beer with his whip.

Before they leave, they do hear that the guy they are renting the cabin from is not the most honest fella, and to keep an eye on their wallets.

At least Reverend Lash lives up to his name.

Once their bacon has been pulled out of the hellfire by Reverend Lash, the two head to the general store to meet the guy who owns their cabin. And while there, he sells them a bunch of stuff at only a meager markup.

They head up the final leg of the journey to their cabin, and it has taken us almost 20 minutes to get even this far. We're rapidly closing in on the end of the first act, and it feels like the movie has not even begun yet.

But we have one more distraction, and it's a doozy; the boys come across a crashed spaceship, as one does, in the middle of the woods.

They also find a survivor of the crash laying beside the ship, and they are still alive!

Superman’s updated origin is leaving something to be desired.

Even though the alien is alive, they are still injured and ask the boys to take them someplace safe to rest, and is very adamant to not tell anyone they have seen the alien.

Since the one thing I can say about Walt and Rick is that they are nice guys, they take the alien to their cabin, and let them rest in the barn.

And finally we have reached the cabin aaaand...it's a dump. Absolutely trashed, creatures running around, trash and food left all over the place. Classy.

Meanwhile, in the barn, the alien starts to glow, and their egg cracks, revealing a beautiful naked woman underneath.

The next day comes, and Rick takes a piss off the back porch...where he runs into a local singer, Johnny Angel, with some of his groupies in tow.

Johnny says he heard some strange noises during the night, and was looking around. And in keeping with his promise to not tell anyone about the alien...Rick proceeds to instantly tell the literal first people he sees.

Meanwhile, the alien now woman is wandering around, and fires a high tech laser weapon that ricochets off a bunch of trees, before exploding. Uhh, thanks for your deforestation gun, I guess?

Now we’ll just add in some happy little aliens…

Elsewhere, Walter is doing some painting, when he comes under fire. A total Rambro comes out of the woods with HIS groupies, and ends up taking Walter hostage. This is a sudden turn of events.

We do get to find out Rambro is responsible for shooting down the alien craft, and at least that tracks.

As a VERY random aside, Rambro, or more accurately Vic, sounds frightenngly a lot like Riley from Buffy with a bit of a dudebro accent.

This is the last movie I expected to see war crimes in.

It's not long before Rick is tossed in the chicken coop with his friend, but after a few minutes they get released, because their "girlfriend" explained everything to Vic.

So the two tourists reunite with the blonde woman, and as an apology for their troubles, Vic gives them some giant bags of weed that are giant garbage bag sized bags. We are way beyond dime bags here, people.

The strange woman follows them, and once they're out of earshot, she tries to explain who she is. Since these two aren't the sharpest tacks, she asks if they still don't recognise her.

Uhhh, did you do something to your hair?

So they head back to the cabin for a bit, and decide to go out that night, to watch Johnny Angel perform. Rick has some errands to run in town, including picking up some clothes for Nova, and he leaves the other two alone.

There is a GREAT gag at Gator's general store, with one of the locals who is staring off blankly like a slack jawed fool, but he is a savant on the banjo. Once some tourists get a photo with him and leave, and pay for it all, the seeming Rain Man of the south actually reveals himself to be quite erudite. Probably the only one in town who would even understand the word.

Rick also sees a blind couple with their kid, Joey, who is actually like, 30 years old and a little person. He thinks he's fooling the couple as their adopted son, but they know, and think they're fooling the 'kid'. Have I mentioned this movie is all kinds of get out weird?

Following a bit of alien fish out of water hijinx, they all head to the bar for Johnny's performance. This is the first, but far from the last, musical number this movie number gives us. Well, I guess second, if you count Banjo Kazooey up there.

Meanwhile, Joey is reporting back to Reverend Lash about overhearing Rick talking about the strange woman they picked up.

As part of his payment, Joey receives an earpiece that is receiving the radio broadcast that Last is sending out preaching all through the day and night.

Oh, it also allows Lash to explode the kid's head with the twist of a dial.

We jump back to the bar with some more music, and Walter teaching Nova how to dance. The dude who almost picked a fight the night before cuts in, much to Walter's dismay.

The two struggle for dominance, and Nova takes matters into her own hands, punching out the other guy faster than you can say she supports men's rights...to shut the fuck up!

Back at the church, Lash and his boys are holding service, and handing out more receivers to the congregation, so more people can receive his signal.

Meanwhile, Walt is a little put out at having a woman fight his battles, along with constantly being on the verge of getting into a fist fight, so he tells Rick they should go home.

Walt heads out to the car to tell Nova the news, and catches her listening to the reverend's broadcast. She makes it very clear to not listen to it, it is dangerous. Yeah, I hate AM talk radio too.

He puts on some other music to set the mood, and makes the moves on his new hot alien girlfriend.

Uh oh, be careful she doesn’t go all Species on ya.

The next morning, Rick once again steps outside to breath in the fresh air, minus his morning whiz, just in case Johnny Angel shows up again, and takes in the wonders of all the stock footage around them.

Walt pops up soon after, much happier, and no longer interested in leaving. In fact, he and Rick are heading over to Rambro's for some survival training or something. And while they're off bro'ing it up, Nova has some errands of her own to run.

Nova gets the keys from Walt, and he asks if she's fully insured. Dude, she's an alien, she probably doesn't understand a word you just said.

We get a LOT of nonsense with Vic, but there's another great gag, where he goes to try and scare Johnny and his girls by strafing the air with his gun, and it is a complete no sell. Just a straight, "Oh hey Vic..." from all of them. Very dry. Exactly my kind of joke.

Meanwhile, Lash is meeting with a local televangelist who offers him a spot on television, a half hour a day, for one week, to spread the good word. But that's all Lash needs to worm into the hearts and minds of Americans, to become President.

Nova interrupts to try and kill the reverend, but she gets chased off by one of his men, wielding equally zappy weaponry.

You will LaRue the day you messed with Reverend Lash!

Back with the boys, they come across some anthropologists digging up a skeleton, and Vic makes a joke how it looks like she's giving the skeleton a blowjob.

Vic, not being too bright, asks if they killed the dude. "You don't understand, this is a homo erectus!" "Well, that's no reason to kill him!"

This is the last movie I thought would ever say "Gay rights!"

Following some skinny dipping to cool off after their days adventure, the boys return to the cabin, and she tells them about Krytar, or as we know him, Reverend Lash. On her home planet, he killed her brother and escaped into space, avoiding punishment.

And if you speak the devil's name, he shall appear. Lash shows up and gets into a fight, making Nova submit to him.

Looks like you brought a gun to a whip fight, Nova!

The boys try to use their newfound skills from Vic to save the day...but instantly get their heads clonked together. Points for trying, kids!

Once they come to and run off, they realise they need help, but where, and who? And they declare, Vic 20!! WAIT DID THEY JUST SAY VIC 20?? DO NOT TELL ME HIS NAME IS VIC 20!!

But being city boys whose training amounts to all of five minutes of a montage, they instead get lost while Lash's plan nears fruition.

Once the sun is up and the boys are slightly less lost, they see the entire town, from Vic *sigh* 20, to Johnny Angel, to Gator, and everyone in between, are now under the command of Reverend Lash, and they are all converging on the church.

Rick is kinda not up for all this hero nonsense, and just wants to drive to the next town, and get the police to take care of things. But Walt has a more heroic streak in him, and rushes into the church to try and save the day, as Rick drives off.

Walter tries to blend in with the crowd, and some of the devout come up to him, asking if he's a believer. Walt answers with "klatuu, barada, nikto!" which, well, puts him ahead of Ash.

Sing, my Johnny Angel of music! Sing for meeee!!

He makes his way to the basement of the church and finds Nova, shackled to the wall. He cracks a joke about how this is something he's always wanted to try himself...NOW IS NOT THE TIME, WALTER.

Anyways, he frees his alien girlfriend, and disables the radio equipment, kinda freeing the townsfolk. Except for that little detail of the exploding earpieces.

Our heroes lower their weapons with everyone's heads at stake, but Lash cranks up the signal anyways. Before the church can be soaked in brain bits, Rick returns and shoots the remote from the rev's hands. He was, of course, aiming for the head.

The aliens make it to their spaceship and fly off, and it seems like Nova will be chasing after them, offering Walter a place at her side.

But all of that becomes moot when Lash returns from having a clean getaway, to take Rick hostage.

Fortunately, the entire town encircles the aliens and draws their weapons. Ahhh, the overly weaponied southern townsfolk.

But Walter stops them, not wanting Rick to get hit by friendly fire. Lash declares that our compassion makes us weak, and faster than you can say "It brings us love...KILL IT!", they blast the trio of aliens to infinity and beyond.

Rick manages to NOT get hit from the hail of bullets that would make a Matrix movie jealous, and Walter actually changes his mind about going away with Nova.

"Gosh, I'd rather stay here and work a nine to five dentist job with horrible patients, and pay my bills, than fly off into space with a hot alien chick!"

YOU FOOL.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It’s a bit soft, has that “converted from a vhs tape” feel to it, but it could be worse. It’s tolerable.

Audio: It all sounds fine, which is good for a movie with this much music.

Sound Bite: “Leave my Darwin out of this!"

Body Count: If I have one complaint, this is it. This is an almost completely bloodless movie.

1 - 52 minutes in, and Joey's head goes Scanners thanks to reverend Nash.

2 - Krytar gets blasted by the entire town

3 and 4 - As does his minions

Best Corpse: Slim pickings this week, but Joey’s headsplosion is genuinely memorable.

Blood Type - F+: Not having any deaths, means a pretty low score here. The only reason it’s not a TOTAL fail is because the aliens look neat, and the cracking open the chocolately shell to reveal the gooey Nova inside was well done.

Sex Appeal: What this movie lacks in blood, it almost makes up for in boobs. Almost every female character is topless, and a few more in the background. But even the guys get in on it with some skinny dipping!

Drink Up! Every time someone starts singing.

Movie Review: There really is something appealing here. The title is ridiculous and sets the stage, so you really know what you’re in for, and the movie lives up, or down, to those expectations. If you sit down to watch “Invasion of the Space Preachers” and complain that it’s not serious, well that’s on you. The story makes sense, the characters are fun, and everyone has a motivation. It’s very early 90s direct to video, but again, you kinda know that going into it. This movie is ridiculous, but that was to be expected with the title it has. It does what it says on the tin. But there's something about it, buried in the silliness. It’s biggest problem is, like the last movie, just too long. This isn’t QUITE as bad, as it only comes in a little over 90 minutes, but if you pared back almost all the stuff with Vic, he adds nothing to the plot besides flavour, and some other stuff like getting through those first 20 minutes faster, this would be much much better. Three out of five earpieces of Christ.

Entertainment Value: While the movie is a bit long, it is at least PACKED with stuff going on. I cannot fault it that. And so much of it is genuinely fun or entertaining. And the unending barrage of ridiculousness is definitely fun to watch. It’s not a great movie, but it’s throwing so much stuff at the wall, you just keep watching. It borders on being TOO much, and again, less is more in these movies, but still, it is more ridiculous fun than it isn’t, so I’ll give it a three out of five banjos.