Catacombs (1988) — Triskaidekafiles

CATACOMBS

WRITERS: Giovanni Di Marco and R. Barker Price

DIRECTOR: David Schmoeller

STARRING: Timothy Van Patten as Father John Durham

Laura Schaefer as Elizabeth Magrino

Jeremy West as Brother Marinus

Vernon Dobtcheff as Brother Timothy

Feodor Chaliaplin as Brother Terrel

Brett Porter as Possessed Albino

Mapi Galan as Antonia

Ian Abercrombie as Brother Orsini

QUICK CUT: An abbey in Europe learns they are long overdue to clear out their basement.

THE MORGUE

Elizabeth - A young teacher traveling to Europe to study some local colour, and bring it back to the states. She’s sweet, smart, and inquisitive.

Father John - A priest visiting the abbey, to look over one of the dying monks. He’s a good soul, dealing with a crisis of faith when he stops hearing the voice of God.

Brother Orsini - The brother superior of the order, open to the more modern world, and less concerned with tradition and superstition.

Brother Marinus - The opposite of Orsini in every way. He’s steeped in superstition, loves preaching the old fire and brimstone wrath of God, and fears modernity and the equality of women.

Brother Timothy - Another of the order worth mentioning because he’s the one we interact with most. He’s a good soul, with a bit of a sweet tooth, the one vice he allows himself.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! Summer is here, and we are going on a European vacation and have a nice stay planned at this quaint little monastary. We are so looking forward to checking out their Catacombs.

Before I get to into the movie though, I just want to take a moment to point out that this movie was titled in some markets as Curse 4: The Ultimate Sacrifice. This is how the movie came onto my radar, since I reviewed the first two movies in the series back in June of the very first full year of Trisk! It is actually 100% wildly coincidental that this review is occurring exactly 11 years after “Snake Month”. But the timing pleases me so much.

After the credits, the movie opens up five hundred years ago, as a bunch of monks are praying and trying to shove an albino into a room and then go all Montressor on his ass.

The demon albino does not go quietly, and his acid spit doesn't help matters any, as he tries to stop the monks from doing their job

But they do eventually get him sealed in, where he remains for all time, end of movie! ...What? No? Dangit. I thought we’d be done early.

Once he's sealed up, and turned one of the priests into the Joker, we jump ahead to the present day, as traveler Elizabeth arrives at the abbey. She's a teacher in America, and visiting the abbey to learn more.

She meets some of the monks, and Brother Superior Ian Abercrombie, who is best known for Horrors at the Black Museum AND NOTHING ELSE!

Did I ever tell you how I got these scars?

Not surprisingly, a woman showing up is of great interest to all the brothers; the younger ones because they're monks but still men, but even moreso to Brother Marinus, who is distrustful of women.

While Liz gets settled in, we move down to the titular catacombs, where another of the brotherhood is doing some excavating. I'm sure this is fine.

The demon albino nudges a brick out of the way with his mind powers I guess, and as the monkaeologist removes the seal, the creature's presence begins to affect the abbey and those within it. He does so most notably with falling dust and nosebleeds.

Later, Brother Timothy returns from town with supplies, and a skull he found which he claims belonged to Pope Paul VIII. But how can that be, if the Brother Rosini has a skull of Pope Paul VIII?? Easy! One is from when he was in his 80s, and the other is from when he was only in his 60s! This slays me.

We spend some time with Father John as he watches over a dying monk, and then get introduced to some local superstitions, as we spend a lot of time getting to know everyone.

This is capped off when one of the locals prolalims, almost a third of the way through the movie, "Someone is going to die today". At the pace this movie is going? THEY BETTER.

But that's as good a cue as any to get back to the catacombs as the excavating monk gets attacked by forces unseen, and dragged into a grave and buried.

With act one wrapped, Father John expresses a bit of a crisis of faith, to which Brother Alfred tells him to keep going, when you’re at your lowest, the only way to go is up, and then it's time for dinner.

Eventually, Elizabeth shows up, and it's a big GASP moment because *women* and sigh. She gets a table all her own in another room, and eventually Alfred shows up to finally show off these damned catacombs we're all here to see.

Meanwhile, Marinus gives a sermon, and it is your typical sturm and drang, fire and brimstone, over the top burning in hell stuff you would expect from his old school sort of beliefs.

To be fair, the hourglass fills with blood, so he might be on to something.

So while all that's going on, the albino flexes his might and blows down the brick wall sealing him in. It's kinda frustrating when your Big Bad spends most of the movie locked away and everyone has to come to him. But don’t worry, even if his wall is busted down, he’ll continue to sit in his cell.

We do get a bit of backstory from Brother Alfred about how the first man in charge of the abbey was blind, but one day down in these catacombs, a great shaft of light shone and restored his sight. Hmm, I wonder if this will come into play later.

Brother Sexism finds Liz wandering the catacombs, and goes absolutely spare about it to Alfred. Oh, and also, he has discovered that the seal that held evil at bay is missing.

Kinda undercuts your whole 'miracle of light' story when there's that big shaft right through the room.

Once he's done dealing with Brother Finger Guns, Alfred wanders down to the catacombs so he can have something bad happen to him, since the big bad can't leave his chamber.

And by "something bad happens to him" I mean he dies. This causes a power vacuum to open up, with Marinus is more than happy to fill, changing the entire tone of the abbey.

We get a bit more prophecy from the locals that between Liz and John, one is touched by the devil, and one will die. Let's see how their track record holds up.

Brother Timothy makes his way down to the caves for some meditation time, and while he's praying, the Jess on the cross behind him, CLIMBS ON DOWN AND CONFRONTS HIM. Jesus is back, and this time it's personal!!

Okay, you pulled off one unique and cool visual, movie. More please!

Marinus informs Liz she and her girl cooties are no longer welcome in the abbey, and then takes Father John down into the catacombs so more bad things can happen. And to inform him of the darkness they hide away.

Timothy, Timothy, where on Earth did you go??

Once John leaves, he discovers Brother Terrel's disappeared, moved into the cavern, because more bad things need to actually happen.

He chats with Terrel who gives him a pep talk before dying, and gives him the duty of stopping the evil that is on its way. Any day now.

All of which proves to be naught but a dream as the real Terrel passed away in his room.

So now it's time for Liz to head back into the catacombs, because, well, you get the idea. Before anything bad can happen, people gotta make a journey to go see the bad guy.

Liz discovers Timothy's body hanging up on the cross, replacing the escaped Jesus, and that's when the town prophet Antonia runs in.

When she arrives, she finds Liz possessed by the demon I guess, because her eyes are black, and she's cackling like a man.

So Jesus hands the innkeeper three nails…

Meanwhile, Marinus is whipping the brotherhood up into a religious fervor, certain that the devil is coming, and I gotta say. I really hate how RIGHT this movie ends up making Marinus, from the coming demon, to being wary of letting Liz in, etc etc. Making the most hateful, superstitious character be right on every count does not sit well with me.

So now it's JOHN'S turn to venture down into the catacombs, because even though the demon has possessed a new body, it is still just sitting in the underground abbey.

He finds Liz crawling around on the roof, claiming to be Satan, and he says she isn't Satan, her name is Elizabeth. Plot twist! Satan is her MIDDLE name!

Oh what a demon, dancin’ on the ceiling…

Marinus shows up, there's a telekinetic slapfight, and John reaches for the monstrance the demon must destroy to be free.

Lizifer pushes John to the ground, starts making out with him, and fully transforms into Liz the White, or fully into the demon albino.

We get even more telekinetic slapping, and a few displays of power, along with poking at John's crisis of faith.

Believing John defeated, the demon reminisces about the start of the movie, until John picks up the shiny thing and calls down the light of heaven to burn the demon away.

Yeah, mood. I totally relate.

The light of God burns away the demon, leaving behind Liz, so I guess Antonia's gift of prophecy isn't all it's cracked up to be, since they both got out alive. But hey, a 50/50 success rate is better than most mediums.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: Not great, but also not terrible. Slightly above average.

Audio: Sounds just fine, and I did find the albino’s voice had a nice boom to it.

Sound Bite: "Are you dead?" "I don't know, I don't feel dead."

Body Count: A small count this time out.

1 - 10 minutes in, and I'm guessing Father Joker is sealed up and eventually dies one way or another.

2 - 25 minutes in, and a definite death when a monk gets buried alive.

3 - Brother Orsini gets slashed and dies.

4 - Brother Timothy gets gutted and hung by Jesus

5 - Brother Terrel dies from old

6 - The demon is cast out, and at some point you see his skeleton, so they found him so nice they killed him twice.

Best Corpse: There really isn’t anything that truly stands out, so finding Timothy’s body on the cross is quite nice.

Blood Type - D+: There’s really not a lot of blood here, save for the hourglasses, which is cool. Byt aside from that, the best effect in the movie is Jesus removing the spikes from his feet. Nicely done.

Sex Appeal: Not even a shirtless monk.

Drink Up! Every time Marinus is insufferable.

Movie Review: Ah, this was a nice, comfortable movie. It doesn’t blow me away, but it was more than pleasant, and had a few good ideas in there. The acting is what really elevates it to something watchable, as the actors are almost all quality and bring a lot to each role. I especially appreciate how each monk had his own personality, too. Nicely done. As I’m sure y’all can figure out, I do have one glaring problem with the movie, and that is the fact the bad guy never leaves his chamber, or the very nearby vicinity. It is VERY limiting to have to require everyone in the movie to go TO HIM in order for the plot to move along. There are ways to get away with this, most notably having a secondary antagonist, but this movie does not pull off that trick. It tried with Marinus, but it does not land. Still, it’s got some good atmosphere to distract you from that, some solid tension, and the movie is a nice ball of solid fun. Three out of five packs of American gum.

Entertainment Value: Like I said, the real joy here is the acting. Abercrombie is an old favourite, a comfortable blanket, and he is pitted well against Marinus. The albino is actually quite good, and does JUST enough scenery chewing without going too over the top. He delights in his evil, but doesn’t go too far. It’s a fun movie, with some good bits in there, and it’s worth a watch on a rainy afternoon. Three out of five monstrances.