Super Hell (2004) — Triskaidekafiles

SUPER HELL

WRITER: Johny Walker

DIRECTOR: Johny Walker

STARRING: Johny Walker as Jodie Jupiter

Conrad Brooks as Himself

Rober Z'Dar as Granny Bob

Chris Branstetter as Transvestite/Satan/Death

Jeni Rogers as Doris

Tony Matlock as Devil Impersonator

Kate Sedgwick as Kay Crimini

Mark Woods as Sheriff Crackerjack

Michael Soots as Blupo the Clown

Dustin Walker as Dalton

QUICK CUT: Demons and Satan roam the Earth after some guy steals the devil’s power.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! We are kicking off November with...with uh, with a movie called Super Hell. And fair warning, this is the first of a trilogy. I have no elaborate story this time out. I found it while checking out trailers, it caught my eye, and here we are. So let's just dive right in.

Or not. Because when you click play on the DVD, it doesn't play the movie, well it DOES but before that is over EIGHT STRAIGHT MINUTES of ads for some girl fight club.

And as if that isn't warning enough, the movie starts with a countdown and overlay for Final Cut Pro. Ohhh yeah, we are in for a ride.

But once the movie finally gets going for real, we watch some strange dude with a staff and cloak gagging and choking, before cutting to an older guy hearing strange noises.

Jack Skellington shows up, kills the dude, and backs out like he's Homer slinking into the shrubbery.

We then jump back 23 years to a young baby, and I presume we fast forward through this kid's shitty life that made him be whichever of these messed up miscreants we are ostensibly gonna be following.

The kid finds an alien mask, and after a whipping, we flash back to the present to see him donning that same mask to go and do his evil deeds.

But since that is threatening to become interesting, we cut away to a bunch of frat boys doing frat boy things, including...WHY AM I WATCHING A DUDE DRY HUMP A FOOSBALL MACHINE??

...Honestly, that's about on par for dude bros, but c'mon.

And somehow, that's when the great Robert Z'dar walks in as...Granny Bob. And for some reason, he takes a seat at the piano to start entertaining us. Again, I ask why.

I love foosball...no I REALLY love foosball.

Which is when we jump over to Conrad Brooks and his pal Yoyo showing up in town to do stuff we'll find out about later. Kinda. Don’t expect much coherence to be forthcoming. Heaven forbid we grasp ANY of the already half dozen plot threads this movie has thrown at us in under ten minutes and follow any of them.

And from THAT we jump over to a cemetery, which at least is where alien brain face is jumping around, before stabbing a guy. In a scene edited for violence, and based on where this movie goes from here? So unnecessary.

We go from that to ANOTHER guy, in a devil mask, a beanie with horns, and a plastic toy pitchfork. Because why not?

But don't get too comfortable, because we then jump to YET ANOTHER person, who is suddenly awoken by a cardboard box creature.

The creature stares at her through the window, she falls out of bed, and probably dies. At least I hope she did, to spare her the rest of the movie.

But we do then jump back to Conrad, off to do some business, and Yoyo who's gonna run off to do whatever he feels like. As long as he's back in a few hours, so Conrad doesn't have to waste time looking for him. Spoiler: He has to go looking for Yoyo. And we never find out what Yoyo was really doing. So there wasn’t much point for him being here.

From THERE we go BACK to Foosball Fucker and Robert Z'Dar still playing the piano and drowning out the dialogue.

When all the kids leave, Rob feels alone and useless or just stuck in this movie, so pulls out a gun threatening to kill himself. The last kid remaining says no don't, and that's enough to convince him to stay around.

There's also a weird ass moment of devil mask dude fake swimming overlayed with the fishtank, and I just don't even know.

But from there it's on back to the graveyard with ANOTHER devil, this one in a pink dress, prancing around and saying how much he hates this town. But he does at least say he got mugged and the other devildude took his power, save for his special weapon.

A clown doll. Which he flings at a grave with a squeak, and suddenly a full grown clown is laying there.

Satan commands Blupo the demonic vampire clown to rush off and fulfill the prophecy before his makeup melts off in the sunlight and he is powerless.

Yes that is a sentence I just wrote.

We jump from there back to alien mask dude and his zombie pal just waking up, looking for brains. ...This is one of those movies that just kinda has things that happen, huh?

Fake Satan calls up some dude, threatens him, and...I guess that's a scene.

And from there we jump to some girl introducing some guy named Jodie to her brother, insisting she is her sister, Snowflake

Oh this is going to make me angry, isn't it?

We jump from *that* to some random kids playing with dolls in a bloodstained house worrying about the evil clown coming to get them.

And he does. Thankfully.

Oh, the kids say they can't die, but since Blupo throttles both of them and we never see them again, it's as good as anything/

I watch only high class, serious cinema.

Meanwhile, over in plot #67, some kid runs afoul of a guy claiming to be a demon. The kid yells at the "silly man" to fuck off, and hey, surprise, the demon comes after him.

We jump BACK to plot #3 with Z'Dar still on the piano and...y'know what, I'll just let y'all know when this movie gets back on track.

After some guy driving along with a monster in his car (?), dude gets smooshed by a giant monster foot (??), hacking staff dude pinches a loaf ahnd eats it (???) we finally at least catch up with Conrad trying to find Yoyo.

The demon shows up and tells Conrad he has received orders from Satan, but Conrad doesn't believe him, because the person he describes is not the real devil. You see, Satan is a transvestite. *sighs heavily*

But the demon is insistent, since he's actually been to Hell. Conrad counters with, "But have you been to...SUPER HELL??" Ha HA! Check and MATE...wait WHAT?

Meanwhile, over in plot #616, fake Satan runs into a cop, and gets shot in the face. Killing him. And he melts away. So...what even was the point of any of that?

But instead of answering any plots, or even setting up a plot, now we've got some dude covered in blood trying to catch a ride.

The driver asks what's up, and...if I am making any damned sense of this, which is a fucking big ask, he is an immortal space Jesus warrior with a broken spaceship, trying to stop the other invading alien forces. Sure, Jan. The driver takes this all in stride though, and gives Immortal Space Jesus a ride.

...Which then ends in them crashing the car, so add THAT to the ever growing why?? pile.

Conrad has taken his demon pal far into the wilderness to show him a spaceship sitting across the river. Is...is it Space Jesus' spaceship? I don't know.

He then tells the demon that the eighth dimension has opened up releasing the vampire clown and a hideous beast and...y'know what, going back to "until something happens" mode.

After some more Z'dar and randomness, we catch back up with Jodie...Joe Joe...junior shabadoo? meeting some weird masked figure in the middle of nowhere. I'd say at this point it is far too late to introduce new characters, but it's also far too late to introduce plot, so fuck it.

There's also a man in a monkey mask, because why not?

Meanwhile, Conrad is hanging out with a naked goth punk chick masturbating with a knife. ...I am going to use up my quota of "so that's a new sentence I have written" all in one movie.

And so we go back to Snowflake and her sister, who is suddenly pregnant and gives birth to a lizard. Wait wait, is she the same girl that passed out when the monster was at her window? I might be connecting some dots here finally...

Some dude runs in saying he just scored some amazing fucking cocaine and THAT WOULD EXPLAIN A LOT.

Because he is the most important character this second, we follow *the fucking monkey* as he has sex with some girl. Pun unintended.

After Conrad wanders around still looking for Yoyo, we cut to the punk chick who masterbates with knives, and cut off her nose, as she yells in a barn for awhile like she's Forge.

Meanwhile in ANOTHER barn, these things are worse than warehouses on Arrow, weird masked dude shows up to a party with kinky whipping and weirdness and Blupo, where they toss a skull back and forth.

Oh and the monkey is there too, getting a blowjob from some girl.

Conrad finally finds Yoyo and the pair bugger off up out of the movie, after hearing some growling.

Now we cut to more kinky whipping, and alien mask dude and Blupo are there, so I guess this counts as 'bringing the plots together' for whatever THAT is worth.

Suddenly the spacecraft shows up, zaps up some random girl, or not, I don't know who anyone is in this movie, and zips off.

Well, at least SOMEone is enjoying themselves in this.

We find out Jodie is on the spacecraft with a bunch of randos, and by spacecraft, I mean "some dude's garage decorated with Christmas lights, and a giant cardboard sign saying "The Spacecraft"...huh, I wonder where they are?

Jodie tries to explain the plot, that he was looking for aliens, but when they showed up, things didn't go as planned, and now they have a spaceship no one knows how to fly. SURE WHY NOT? I guess this ties in with Immortal Space Jesus.

When they go to get drunk, we also find out Doris' best friend was killed at weird mask dude's party? I guess? Is there a coherent narrative ANYwhere in this??

You might think this is a good spot to end this mess, but haha, welcome to Super Hell. Because we are suddenly with a bunch of vampires watching some college campus level magician doing his routine.

WHY IS THIS SUDDENLY A MAGIC SHOW?? Ahem. Can you imagine being an immortal vampire and being so entranced by some seventh teir David Copperfield wannabe and decided "Yes this is the idiot I want to spend eternity with"?

At what century do you think the neverending handkerchiefs would get old?

Satan gives Blupo a gun, Jodie finds FakeSatan's skeleton, a girl gets torn apart, and coughing dude ends the movie with a random bit of nonsense and it all finally ends with some nonsense from Granny Bob.

I have a few bones to pick with this movie.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It’s got that grainy do it yourself kinda look, but it’s not BAD. I ain’t gonna write home about it neither, though.

Audio: Pretty much in the same vein. It gets the job done.

Sound Bite: “The eighth dimension has opened up, releasing a vampire clown, a hideous vampire beast, but relax, it's been foretold!!” …. …CHECK PLEASE

Body Count: If it delivers anywhere, it’s in a decent enough death count.

1- About 10 minutes in, one dude gets killed by skeleton man

2 - Alien mask dude stabs a guy at the graveyard

3 - Girl passes out from cardboard alien robot??

4 - The vampire clown strangles a girl

5 - Dude gets squished by a giant foot.

6 - Cop shoots "Satan"

7 - Girl gets torn apart

Blood Type - D: Not so much blood, but the masks aren’t bad.

Sex Appeal: I don’t think knifey masterbating girl ever wears a top.

Drink Up! every Robert Z’Dar shows up playing piano.

Movie Review: Any given moment in this movie is well made enough for this level of thing. But any attempt at narrative cohesion is passing at best. The acting is about what you’d expect, with the occasional standout like Conrad. And yet, I know it could be so much worse. Two out of five alien Jesuses.

Entertainment Value: Holy shit is this a trainwreck I cannot look away from. There are so many scenes in this that either make you go WHAT or just go on for so long or serve no purpose…I cannot say anyone should ever see this, and yet I cannot look away. But not because there is anything particularly compelling or entertaining, it is just endlessly headscratching. Two out of five masked monkeys