Invasion of the Blood Farmers (1972)
INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS
WRITERS: Screenplay by Ed Adlum and Ed Kelleher
DIRECTOR: Ed Adlum
STARRING: Norman Kelley as Dr. Roy Anderson
Tanna Hunter as Jenny Anderson
Bruce Detrick as Don Tucker
Paul Craig Jennings as Creton
Jack Neubeck as Egon
Richard Erickson as Sontag
QUICK CUT: After her dog goes missing, Jenny and her boyfriend scour the town for him, eventually leading them to the neighbours’ farm.
THE MORGUE
Don - A young scientist learning at the feet of his girlfriend’s father. Always ready to lend a hand, and give a friendly smile.
Jenny - Don’s girlfriend, loves her dog, and is maybe a bit on the naive side.
Doc Anderson - A scientist working out of his basis, Don’s mentor, and Jenny’s father. Smart, determined, and always on the look out for the next big discovery.
Egon - A newcomer to town, looking for something special, which is taking him awhile with his limp. Be wary of his cane though, if you come across him.
Creton - Egon’s master, the leader of the Sangroid druids, and the leader of a cult, for all intents and purposes.
Ohhh so THEY must be the ones harvesting all this blood!!
TRISK ANALYSIS:Happy Triskgiving, everyone! American Thanksgiving is...somewhere around the corner here. I WAS going to take a look at Thankskilling 2, since I did the original last year, but I am completely unable to remember where the movie went, and I cannot find my copy. Instead, I decided to stick with the harvest theme I've had going all November, and take a look at Invasion of the Blood Farmers! So let's get to it!
The movie opens up with a history lesson on the Sangrid Druids, which is probably a load of horse puckey, but hey, it's their own mythology, so we'll roll with it.
After Spinal Tap gives us the history of Stonehenge, we watch a man, covered in blood, stumble his way into a bar and just up and die on the floor.
Uh oh, is this a Red Skies crossover with Crisis??
The blood in this...it is that WONDERFUL late sixties/seventies bright almost pink theatrical blood. It looks so fake, but is so indicative of the times, and I love it. It makes me smile when I find a movie that used it.
Meanwhile, Hacksaw Jim Duggan is staring at a picture of I presume his wife, whom I also presume has gone missing, but we see she is somewhere being drained of all her blood.
I wanna mention here, there is a LOT of talk about missing people in this movie, some of whom we see being drained, and it is VERY easy to lose track of who is who. If the movie has any flaw, it's in this; a lot of people are already missing, we don't get to know them, and they barely get named. It's tough to keep track of them.
We do get to spend some time with our two leads, Don and Jenny, and he's busy studying science under her father's tutelage.
Speaking of Jenny's dad, he comes busting out of the house to show Don what's been happening from the blood of the dead guy at the bar; it has been multiplying at an accelerated rate, threatening to turn this into a much better movie starring Steve McQueen
My god, professor, you’ve created Kool Aid!
Back at Shorty's bar, Wynonna seems to be out of town, so we watch as one of the guys is cleaning up the blood, and not having a good time of it, since it keeps replicating. But since the rest of the town is filled with simple country folk, ain’t no one durn be understandin’.
He goes on to ramble about how he saw a strange light, and stranger figures, which he describes as demons from hell. Again, sounding like a better movie.
There's also some odd men there, who get some directions, and seem far too interested in the drunk's story.
He’s been sniffing a few too many cleaning fumes.
So the two oddballs leave the bar, one heading up in search of something, and sending the other to report to Creton. Cretin? Crouton!
Egon heads to the Anderson lab to try and see what they know about the blood, but makes some noise while lurking. Their dog chases him off, but not before the lurker drops a key in the river, and the dog does a ventriloquist act.
But Egon can’t find the rest of the Ghostbusters to show them the dog's ability to throw its voice without opening its mouth, so beats it to death with his cane.
Not wanting to let fresh dog go to waste, while Jenny calls out for the pipper, Egon snacks down on the corpse.
The next day, Don comes by and he and Jenny are both upset over the missing dog. Don reports he found some blood stains down by the river, and they should drive around town looking for Buster.
But the doorbell rings, and Egon actually had the stones to stop on by, and return the dog. BY TAKING THE TIME TO HANG HIM OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR. Worst game of Ding Dong Ditch ever.
Golfax, noooo!
Don Wick takes a quick look around, and vows vengeance for the death of the dog, rushing off into the forest to try and find the culprit.
Since the movie can't fill up its ENTIRE runtime murdering puppies, we get introduced to a newly married couple as they arrive at their motel room for the honeymoon.
But it's a very short lived marriage, when Egon shows up to beat the shit out of both of them for some reason. I mean, I KNOW why, he wants their blood, it just seems random.
Second worst Psycho remake.
Meanwhile, Don and Jenny are still moping about their dog, and Professor Anderson is gushing over his beaker of blood. More accurately, the beaker is gushing, as that blood pesky blood just keeps replicating.
Egon takes his two latest victims back to the farm he's shacked up in, and we meet more of the Sangroid druids, including their leader Crouton, and their resting queen, Onhorrid. That’s not a joke. That is her name. We get vague infodumpy things about trying to find a new host for her, and it has to be someone who can survive the Mennenon Cup. Sounds like a wild new sporting event. Whatever you do, don’t let Harry Potter toss his name inside.
Meanwhile, the scientists remain blissfully ignorant of ANYTHING going on, and instead are trying to find a way to reverse the blood flow they have going on.
My elephant toothpaste never goes right!!
Don has also shown up with Egon's lost key, which he just so happened to find. Doc can't identify the metal, because he's apparently an undocumented expert in all things metal, but he thinks it is somehow connected to...
...Actually, I don't even know, because like I said, they're clueless. But he calls up his friend Kinski anyways.
But oops, wouldn't you know it! Kinsky is one of the Sangroid Druids! The reveal actually plays out very well, the tension works, and the cinematography is well done. It is just wildly coincidental.
Meanwhile, another farmer is being grabbed, and they must have liked his beefy, shirtless body working around the farm has given him. Hilariously enough though, when next we see him, they've actually bothered to put his shirt back on!
Garden attack gnomes!!
So Kinsky shows up to check out the key, and talks Anderson into believing it's just some old toy, and takes it back to Creosote, saying he will have it analyzed anyways.
Also, there's a lot of talk about Jenny going to bed, or good mornings and breakfast time, but no matter what, the movie looks like it was filmed at an eternal 2PM.
We waste some time back at the bar, as the owner, and Deputy Barney Frank, rambles on about Jim Carrey dropping dead...Alllll righty then!
Manos II: Electric Boogaloo.
Sheriff Dudebro finally returns to town to find out half of it is missing. So he swings by the Anderson farm to ask how Buster is. And the reaction is HILARIOUS, causing Jenny to just sob her way up the stairs.
After that awkward moment, and being told about the blood, and the missing people, Sheriff Dudebro heads up to the Whitaker farm to see what's going on. Kinsky seems to be staying there though, and gives enough of a reasonable explanation that the cop goes away.
Kinsky explains the complex scientific atomic bombardment research he's working on, and Sheriff Dudebro claims he understands. OH YOU MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT!
The details don't quite sit right with Professor Anderson, however, and he tries to call up Klaus just to see if he can hear the story from the druid's mouth.
Officer Dudebro at work.
Because it's been awhile, the movie claims another victim, with Egon the Mad King finding a random girl to conk on the head and take home.
Complete with hilarious cut just as he gently taps her on the head with his cane then back, to cover her with blood.
Jenny and Don head off on a date, while Kinsky shows back up, and Doc shows him to the lab. But first Anderson gets a call from the university, that says Kinsky is supposed to be in PENNSYLVANIA!! So something is afoot.
I see SOMEone is ready to do some…BLOOD SHOTS!!
Later, Doc sends Don off with some samples to university, while he and Jenny go to take in a movie. Before they can go see the latest Marvel movie though, they get kidnapped by the Sangroids.
Don calls to see how the movie was, and before he can be spoiled on the ending of Avengers Endgame, he discovers no one is home. He makes a mad dash back to save the day.
Meanwhile, Crotus is rambling his celestial blood druid nonsense, and that Jenny appears to be compatible with Unhorrid, and will be her new host, on this, the feast of Mennanon, the first of May!
No longer shall you be trapped in a glass case of emotion!
But before the outdoor fucking can start, Don and Sheriff Dudebro arrive at the farm. The cop gets knocked out almost instantly, and Don heads up to the quarry where Crouton is ranging to his gods.
The queen is revived, and she approaches Don, who doses her with the chemicals they used to stop the blood from spreading. Yes, the villains are stopped by iodine. Not since the Wickled Witch was washed with water, has a villain been taken out so easily.
And yes, the movie literally comes crashing to an end in the span of 30 seconds, from Don showing up, to spraying the queen, to everyone bursting into flames.
Ahh, iodine, my one weakness!!
But it does have one WEIRD ASS coda, as Doc calls Don down to the lab again, with much the same line as when he discovered the blood flowing, to present to them a replacement dog for Buster, and laughs heartily. It’s like the ending of an 80s action drama freeze frame.
TRISK ASSESSMENT
Video: For an early 70s movie, it looks great. The colours really pop, especially that reddish pink salmon coloured blood.
Audio: Sounds solid enough, and the only times I turned on captions was with some of the rambly nonsense words.
Sound Bite: "This will either be a major milestone for pathology, or a major disaster for mankind!" Uhhh...can we narrow that down just a smidge?
Body Count: A respectable enough showing!
1 - Jim passes out dead covered in blood about 4:30 minutes in
2 - Helen is drained of her blood.
3 - Buster gets busted up.
4 and 5 - Mr. and Mrs. Milton Greenman gets taken out.
6 - Farmer Shirtless gets drained.
7 - Egon bops a random girl and kills her
8 - Druid conks out officer Dudebro
9 - All the druids go up in smoke
Best Corpse: Gonna go with the random girl who gets booped, just because it’s so stand out.
Blood Type - B: Lots of blood, but most of it is contained to beakers. Still, the movie is not shy about the blood, and uses it well.
Sex Appeal: The married couple ALMOST get nekkid, but never get the chance.
Drink Up!: every time you see a bubbling bit of blood.
Movie Review: This is another movie I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. From the lurid title, to that blood, to just a lot of fun. The story is light, but solid enough, for something made for drive ins. The characters are likable enough, and the baddies chew just enough scenery. It’s shot well, it is wholly unique, and just a weird mix of 70s grime. Four out of five vials of blood.
Entertainment Value: For SOME reason, I didn’t realise this was a 70s movie when I got it. And watching it, it genuinely does not feel like a 70s movie. Yes, it has a hint of sleaze and grime and weirdness that could ONLY come from that specific decade, but it somehow does not feel like a 70s movie in style or production. It could have been made 10, 15 years ago, except this idea never would’ve been thought up then. It’s strange and silly and fun, and I enjoyed the shit outta this. Four out of five bloody canes.
