Nosferatu's Crush (2006) — Triskaidekafiles

NOSFERATU’S CRUSH

WRITER: Mike Burke

DIRECTOR: Mike Burke

STARRING: Mike Burke as Vladimir Dracula

Malissa Longo as Rebekah

Lady Altovise as Agent Green

Kristy White as Agent Kelly

John Gaydos as Tony

Angalisha Marie as Electra & Evil Vampire

Sylvia Kovacs as Eliza

Xaviera Desgrottes as Serena

Katie Kyle Roche as Tara

QUICK CUT: A man is unfairly judged for the acts of his ancestors, becoming the target of an FBI investigation when some people turn up dead.

THE MORGUE

Vladimir - A shy, quiet, misunderstood vampire who just wants to drink blood in peace.

Rebekah - A plucky young lawyer who is too naive for her own good.

Tony - Rebekah’s boyfriend, and a real man’s man.

Agent Green - A brash FBI agent who is determined to catch her man, even if he’s a vampire. She doesn’t take much crap, and has zero patience.

Agent Kelly - Green’s partner, and she’s a bit more flighty and bright eyed.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! I've got no long winded rambling intro this time out, so I'm just gonna get right into this. This week is all about Nosferatu's Crush, the story of Vlad the Impaler's modern day descendant, who may or not be a vampire. A clue: he totally is a vampire. But let's get on with this.

The movie opens up on a woman in the forest, and I half expect her to be attacked by the creature from Deadly Culture with the way this looks. Instead, she is being watched by Count Grimace, and gets pounced by a woman, and shoved into the credits.

After the credits, the woman is found by two FBI agents who were looking for her. No real question how they knew to look, but that's going to be the least inexplicable thing about this movie.

And the next thing I knew, I was in a bad movie…

Fortunately, they already have a suspect, Vladimir Dracula III! You would think he would pick a different name, but nope.

We cut to the agents in their office, making threatening calls to Vlad, who then goes online to search for and hire a lawyer to represent him.

The next day, a young, fresh faced - and let's be honest here quite naive - lawyer named Rebekah shows up to Vlad's house.

This is unlike any FBI agent’s office I have ever seen.

In fact, while I'm on the subject, Vlad's house also looks nothing like a normal house, or even a super fancy vampire abode. When Rebekah enters, there is a LONG rack of coat hangers on one side, like this is some community hall, for everyone to put their coats on.

On the other side, is a giant blue tarp over...something. It's like they had access to their community theatre, but couldn't move certain items or furnishings. So instead, they just covered them up. Badly.

And highlighting how shoddy this movie is, the movie literally drops like, three frames as Rebekah turns, and Vlad jumps six inches closer to her. Editing!

They get to know each other, and hnnnngh, the editing on this movie!! It doesn't zoom in on an object, it cuts in to show it, then cuts back to the master. It huuurts.

And when I say they get to know each other, Rebekah does all the talking. And I hate how long it took me to realise the reason Vlad doesn't speak, is because NOSFERATU WAS A SILENT MOVIE.

During the course of their talk, Vlad ogles the girl, reaches for her ass as she leans over, and oh geeze. This is another in a long line of indie films where the director is also the writer who puts himself in as the start so he can grope and/or be fondled by women, isn't it? In fairness, this is far less offensive than some of those other options. Like Repligator.

They are briefly distracted by this loud screech that Vlad says is just a bird. This noise will never be actually explained.

But then her boyfriend Tony barges in, wanting to know where his nice ass is. Dude, turn around, it's right there.

This guy is a pig, if you can't already tell. He makes Vlad's lustful gaze seem almost innocent. And STOP CUTTING TO EXTREME CLOSEUPS. Gyarh.

Tony asks if he's a vampire, but no no! Vampires don't exist! Vlad just has purple skin, fangs, and long claws.

Those two leave, and Drac is attended to by his three female minions. Dude, do you really need a fourth? Leave some for the rest of us!

Also, these women are hilariously trying to talk around plastic fangs, and it's just...amazing.

Meanwhile, another woman gets attacked, and her boyfriend calls the laughable FBI agents to come and check things out.

So agents Green and Kelly go to harass Vlad, and let me say, Agent Green is AMAZING. She is so over the top, scenery chewing angry, and I love every scene she is in.

Rebekah shows up, and lays down the law on their asses though. But along the way, Green accuses Vlad of being related to the "most famous Dracula in the world". As...as opposed to the lesser known Draculas?

And EVERY time someone mentions vampires, the movie loves mentioning that A) they don't exist and 2) that he's not related to *Dracula* he's related to Vlad the Impaler. BUT HIS NAME IS DRACULA and raaarrr.

Next we watch three dudes stumble through the woods, talking about the legends of local vampires, and AGAIN mention vampires and Vlad the Impaler.

That's when Vlad's vamp squad show up to have a drink. And I might as well point out, that whenever we see the trio, they explicitly DO NOT KILL.

Later, Rebekah wakes up Vlad for breakfast, and again Tony shows up to be a bully and a douche, and takes Vlad's food. I really wanna punch Tony.

After he and Rebekah leave, we get to watch the trio of idiots talking to the FBI ladies, and ugh, so uncomfortable with the dudebro attitudes.

Green and Kelly decide it's time to put Vlad under surveillance, to try and get some definite proof to close the case. Surveillance equipment that consists of one lone digital camera. Budget cuts, am I right?

After the HORROR of Vlad eating an apple is witnessed, he heads off to check on Rebekah...who is SLEEPING ON A CARD TABLE?? WTF. Seriously. What.

He's about to be creepy and gropey, but she wakes up and makes excuses for him because she is way to naive and trusting.

We then pan down as she goes back to sleep, to reveal...THE KILLER VAMPIRE IS ON THE FLOOR BENEATH THE TABLE. HOW DOES NO ONE NOTICE THIS??

This movie only exists within glancing blows to reality.

But then the evil vampire is killing someone else, which sends Green into a rampage about all the evidence she has. All none of it. She doesn't even have proper conjecture!

Nice to see Vlad’s house is handicapped accessible!

The plot wanders around a bit as Vlad and Rebekah have dinner, and he has a long dream sequence where he has hair, is eloquent and verbose, and they dance.

Rebekah blathers on about her day at work, and I so don't care so much, that I am actually longing for Tony to barge in.

Vlad tries to make his dream a reality by putting on some music (From a Discman!!) and dancing with Rebekah for real. And fortunately, my prayers are answered when Tony does as he does and cuts in.

Tony goes OFF on Vlad, insulting and yelling and marking his territory, until Vlad shoves him down the basement stairs. I have a reference I would make here, but almost no one would get it.

Green is determined to catch her vampire, and her and Kelly try and brainstorm ideas. Ideas like, sneaking into his house to get a dental mold while he sleeps, or offering him an apple. The latter is actually a plan they go with, offering him the apple as a peace offering.

Oh, Agent Green also has the brilliant plan to get a strand of hair to run DNA on, except...he has no hair! EXCEPT HE DOES! He's not BALD bald, he has that ring around the back.

But then they show up, and...and he has this on.

That made sense when it was a dream sequence, but...why??

Anyways, they end up leaving without their teethmarks, and Vlad and Rebekah get shiftfaced.

Rebekah is drinking to forget Tony, but then she starts reminiscing about the good times. Which makes Vlad drink to not have to listen to her gush over Tony. His reactions while she gushes are amazing.

Meanwhile we catch up with Tony down in the basement, who is in Hell with his torment amongst the vampire women. Hahahaha, yeah right, he's loving being fondled by three lovely women he is helpless against.

Both groups blather on for awhile, boring the shit out of me, and wasn't there a murder mystery going on?

Anyways, Tony interviews the vampire babes, wanting to know what Vlad is to them. They say they do favours for him, and in return, "We live...here."

In the majestic opulence of the tarped over basement.

Eventually, Rebekah hears the commotion from the basement and goes to investigate, finding Tony about to get oiled down with the vampire babes.

Suddenly, Tony appears at the FBI kitchen...er, offices, and they conspire to get Vlad. He tells Green and Kelly that he was kidnapped and Vlad has three women captive. Well...he's not wrong.

There's only like 12 minutes left to this movie, where are we even going with any of this??

As Tony tries to convince them that he was assaulted, we finally get back to the plot as the killer vampire woman, remember her? suddenly reappears.

Showing up an hour late to the movie with Starbucks.

The killer stalks Rebekah and attacks her, but Vlad and his ladies of the night show up, getting into an hilarious scuffle. Oh, terrible fight choreography, how I love thee.

Rebekah also realises vampires are real, and eventually the vampire lady gets shot by the FBI. So uhhhh...what was the point? Who was she? Is there a plot to any of this?

Oh, and before it ends, we see the vampire ladies chasing after Tony in the graveyard, so I guess they have a new toy.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: This looks pretty bad. It’s soft, the colour is weird, and a lot of times you can’t see what’s going on.

Audio: On the one hand, it’s clearly recorded from a mic on the camera or something like that. On the other hand, it’s clear enough.

Sound Bite: Everything Agent Green says.

Body Count: For a vampire movie with an FBI murder investigation, this is pretty pathetic.

1 - 16:30 and a girl is killed by a vampire.

2 - Another random victim?

3 - Vampire lady dies?

Best Corpse: I really only have one choice, the original victim!

Blood Type - F: Almost none.

Sex Appeal: Less than there is blood!

Drink Up! every time the movie suddenly cuts to the same shot/zoom into the same shot.

Video Nasties: Here’s an example of the slipshod editing, and Tony’s acting.

Movie Review: Seriously what was the plot here? Murderous vampire that is barely in the movie with no lines and no motivation or development, but there’s plenty of stuff with Rebekah and Vlad’s lust for her. It’s a patchwork of ideas with no real story, and again, the editing. Two out of five apples.

Entertainment Value: I still find myself getting a lot out of this movie. I love the naive lawyer always making excuses. While Vlad doesn’t seem like the best actor, his reactions are hilarious. Tony is gold, and Agent Green is better. This movie is a hoot, and while it’s uncomfortable at times, and cheap at others, it is funny and puts a smile on my face. Four out of five bad toupees.