Triskaidekafiles

Triskaidekafiles is a love letter to cheesy cinema from the 80s and 90s, with the occasional dip into other eras.  if you're a fan of MST3K, Elvira, Joe Bob Briggs, or just bad horror movies in general, Trisk is the place for you.

Demon Wind (1990)

DEMON WIND

WRITER: Charles Philip Moore

DIRECTOR: Charles Philip Moore

STARRING: Eric Larson as Cory
    Francine Lapensee as Elaine
    Bobby Johnston as Dell
    Lynn Clark as Terri
    Mark David Fritsche as Jack
    Sherry Bendorf as Bonnie
    Jack Vogel as Stacy
    Stephen Quadros as Chuck
    Richard Gabai as Willy
    Mia Ruiz as Reena
    C.D.J. Koko as Great Demon
    Rufus Norris as Harcourt

QUICK CUT: A group of friends gather at Cory's old family farm to clean it up after his father passes away.

THE MORGUE - Sigh.  Everyone in this movie is describable by 'dull surprise with a side of disinterest' but I'll try.

    Cory - A young man who was abandoned as a child, has a heap of daddy and family issues, and secrets he has no idea of lurking to be discovered.  A good kid, but has a streak of bitterness about his upbringing.

    Elaine - Cory's girlfriend, has a tendency towards sarcasm, and is loyal and friendly, but is also getting tired of Cory's crap.

    Dell - A bit of a lunkhead, but a good one.  He's ready to go at the drop of the hat, and will always be there for his friends.

    Terri - Dell's girlfriend, but I'm not quite sure why he keeps her around...

    Jack - Another loyal friend, a bit of a worrier.

    Bonnie - Jack's girlfriend, you get the sense she's a bit of a fashionable sort, but not to an over the top degree.

    Chuck - Oh.  I am gonna let this one speak for itself later...

    Harcourt - A gas station and diner owner that the group runs into.  He knows the local lore, and is worried for the group's safety.

 All we are is demons in the wind.

All we are is demons in the wind.

THE GUTS: Welcome back, Triskelions!  Our wacky April adventures continue, with this week's movie, Demon Wind.  And it is your unlucky day, because this movie is epically...something.  This movie defies description.  I've watched it five times now, and every time I find more bits of amazing and more bits of terrible.  But I am getting ahead of myself.  Let's get into this.

The movie opens up in 1931, and a body being burned upon a disjointed cross.  Which is, quite frankly, how I want more movies to begin.  My attention is grabbed right from the start.  It pans over a dead, bloody, broken body that will be explained later, and then we're inside the farm house where most of the rest of this mess will take place, both here and in the present.

As it pans across photographs of the family, and artwork of Jesus, the creepy music falls back, and we shift into something more hymnal-esque.  And there's something haunting about all this, following the burning body, that really sets up this creepy vibe to it all.

 Discount Susan Sarandon

Discount Susan Sarandon

That finally fades away too as Regina stares at the door as voices whisper to her, tells her husband that her spells can't keep the voices we hear out any longer.

George starts to spit out corn chowder though, and he begins to transform, clearly taken by whatever is going on here.  She grabs a snowglobe, saying if it breaks, it is the end of both of them...which is never setup, nor explained, or mentioned again, so it's a bit strange.

But Toothy McMeltface attacks her, she drops the globe as it smashes into a pool of blood, and the house wonderfully explodes.

 I did not realise oatmeal could do that to your teeth.

I did not realise oatmeal could do that to your teeth.

That...that is one hell of a prologue, and I am both intrigued and confused.  We cut from there to the present of the late 80s, with Cory and his girlfriend driving along a very empty, very lonely dirt road, looking for his grandparents' farm.  We learn this is after he met with his father, whom he hasn't known since he was a child, and he's still messed up over this.

If there is one thing this movie gets right, it is selling the utter desolation of wherever this farm is.  A lot of movies try and sell isolation with a forest, or being locked in a single place, but this is all long stretches of roads, and empty fields, with mountains way off in the distance.  I have not felt more alone, isolated, and abandoned than this movie makes me feel.  Later on, as everyone drives to the farm, it is arguably MORE effective than the driving scenes in The Shining, since this is even barren of trees.

As the discount Emilio Estevez drives along, we see a creepy girl watching them from afar, creepily pointing a creepy gnarledstick at their car.  This too, shall never be mentioned again, nor explained.

 Grandad's farm.  I can't believe I'm back on the old farm.

Grandad's farm.  I can't believe I'm back on the old farm.

They keep driving until they find Harcourt's gas station and cafe.  And this place is beyond 'last chance gas' with how remote it is, folks.

Cory says he's been here before, in a dream, and we get shown said dream, which involves a naked Cory standing there and seeing his bloody grandmother before he screams.  Was any of that necessary?  Oh hell no, but it continues to sell this strange atmosphere.

He pulls up and asks Harcourt for directions to the Carter farm.  And Harcourt does his best harbingering to try and warn them away from that place.  He is very hard, and blunt, and doesn't come off as the local redneck hillbilly crazy, but rather actually threatening and serious.

They head inside the diner to grab something to drink while they wait for the plot.  The hostess offers some choices, including *goats milk* of all things, and that should be a sign.

A car pulls up, and that's when more canon fodder arrives, as more of the people inexplicably coming along on this trip show up with more eerie resemblances to other people.

 The poor man's Reb Brown.

The poor man's Reb Brown.

 Budget James Spader

Budget James Spader

As they grab a drink, Cory decides to get everyone up to speed, and say that the reason they're all on this trip is because he finally found his father.  Oh! and dear old dad also slashed his wrists the day after they met!  Should I have mentioned that *before* we all drove out to the pimple down the ass crack of nowhere?

Cory continues to share his exposition lunch with the gang, about how his father was born four days before the house explosion, and shortly after Cory was born, dad headed back to the farm, and was never heard from again.

The reaction to all of this from the entire group isn't quite fear.  It's not quite concern.  It's more along the lines of aggressively passionate disinterest.

Harcourt has been listening to all this and butts his head in again, trying to warn them off, saying they don't own the land, the Dead own the land.  Oh.  Okay.  Should we maybe talk to Jerry Garcia then, to clear up this land ownership issue?

 That is one giant meaty square of a head.

That is one giant meaty square of a head.

The old man pulls out a gun to emphasize his points, and tells them to go back where they came from.  Everyone heads out, but Cory stays behind to ask what the big deal is, and since Harcourt was there, and remembers what happened, he gives his perspective on the whole matter.

I love that Harcourt is really serious, very afraid, and this event clearly traumatised him, what with the demons and blood and explosions.  This is, and I am being serious here, one of my favourite harbinger performances.  The man sells the shit out of it.

But then, the seriousness fades away, and he just wants the kids to not get hurt, revealing his gun isn't even loaded.  I would be so outta there at this point, but Cory has to continue.

Now.  I heard a lot of bad cheesy things about this movie before I saw it.  The trailer looked hilariously awful in all the best ways.  But so far, you know what?  It may be a bit corny, with some interesting takes on some familiar tropes, but thus far it was a solid enough horror flick.  But at this point I had begun to wonder; what was everyone going on...about...what is that coming over the hill?

 ...I got nothin'.

...I got nothin'.

That sure is an entrance, as Chuck and Stacy roll over the hill, with the Ride of the Valkyries blaring, and Stacy hyping up the dude standing up for all to see.

Folks, this right here, this is the moment when the movie went from good to great.

 And hello bargain basement Kevin Bacon.

And hello bargain basement Kevin Bacon.

Do you think he rode the whole way here, standing up in the car, for dramatic effect, just in case he found anyone somewhere else along the way?

Okay okay, the guy’s a magician, that’s some fun character stuff and background, there’s a lot of potential there for a horror movie character.  I actually really like this sort of character stuff, that’s fine that’s fine…

But then Dell throws a beer can at Chuck's head, and Chuck...he...well...

 Oh fuck me.  He knows Kung Fu.

Oh fuck me.  He knows Kung Fu.

And they don't show it once.  Not just twice.  BUT THRICE.  It's *amazing*.

Also, you've seen the running jokes so far, of how everyone in this movie - EVERY...LAST...ONE - looks vaguely like someone else, and it's so distracting.  This is apparently a movie that WANTED a star budget, but could only shop at the Celeb Dollar General.

Oh, and bonus tidbit; Chuck?  Bargain Basement Bacon?  You might actually recognise him as Angel Martin in Shock 'Em Dead.  He loves showbiz

Before a fistfight breaks out, Chuck's hypeman and assistant, Stacy, butts in, and says there is no way they'd not be there for Cory.  I love the camaraderie there, and it instantly endears me to the guy.

 Oh look, he CAN sit in a car like a normal human being.

Oh look, he CAN sit in a car like a normal human being.

So everyone piles back in their cars and we finally get back on track to get to the farm before this first act ends.  That's right, we are only 25 minutes into this increasing mess of a movie, and I am loving it.  We've really only spent a lot of time meeting people and setting up things, but it's actually well done and packed.

We finally arrive at the farm and...it's basically an exploded mess that is little more than a few walls left standing in the middle of a field.  It offers no shelter, no comfort, and no signs that anything good will happen here.

Also, the burnt remains of the skeleton are still hanging from the cross, 50 years later.

 Well if THAT isn't a sign to get out...

Well if THAT isn't a sign to get out...

Oh and sadly, while they continued their drive onwards, Chuck changed out of his magician garb and into a more normal pair of jeans and a jean jacket.  Sigh.  He shoulda stayed all ninja magician.

Bonnie trips over her own feet, and lands face to face with a skull poking up out of the ground, and Cory reaches out to touch it.  Which is when the movie takes another leap forward into amazingness, as the effects team introduces classic rotoscope effects into the mix with some lightning skull psychometry.

Also, Cory sees his uncle get attacked by dutch angles, and he's the broken body from the start of the movie.  See?  I told you it would be explained.  Not terribly *adequately* as this leads to more questions like "How does Cory know that?" to which the only answer is the very unsatisfactory, "I just know!"

 Getting any info off this skull is a real Longshot.

Getting any info off this skull is a real Longshot.

Dell finds a busted up lantern, and hey, there's your answers!  Someone was pissed off, tossed the lantern, and torched the place and everyone died in the fire!  That all seems very reasonable and LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

But, Cory persists, and heads up to the still standing front door, opens it up...and sees a fully furnished and functional farmhouse inside.

He takes a walk around the lonely wall, and stares through the open door, but all they see is the farmhouse interior on the other side.

Uh oh, this place is a TARDIS.  It's bigger on the inside!

 It's EXISTIER on the inside.

It's EXISTIER on the inside.

Cory declares he's going to head inside, and yeah, this is where I would NOPE outta there.  I can handle dire warnings.  I don't mind finding a few skeletons.  The creepy burned out husk of a house is fine.  This is all normal, if off putting stuff.

But the instant the rules of physics, logic, and nature start to not apply?  GET OUT.  RUN AWAY.  NOPE LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER NOPED BEFORE.

So Cory heads inside, and finds the place in fine condition, down to being very Roanoke with dinner being still on the table.  Yeah, the turkey looks great, but grams is a skeleton.

Everyone else follows Cory inside, despite having gigantic misgivings about everything though, and they check the place out.

 When even the magician doesn't believe this shit, you know it's time to book it.

When even the magician doesn't believe this shit, you know it's time to book it.

There's some Latin written on the walls, and clearly these people have never seen Evil Dead, or ANY horror movie, because Bonnie goes and reads the words out loud.

Great.  So the fireplace spits to life, and everything in the house starts flying around.  I see, this must be where Toby got his start before making it big in the Paranormal Activity movies.

Everyone runs out of the FarmDIS and Cory nearly gets a knife to the face before he too can get out.  And props to Chuck and Stacy, they come back from their car armed with guns.  Magicians have everything up their sleeves.

They all wanna go, except for Cory who wants to know what happened.  To punctuate the creepiness, the crucified skeletons falls to the ground, and they get in the cars...but none of them will start.

 Wait!  Take me with you!

Wait!  Take me with you!

Bonnie is freaking out above and beyond the rest, and they decide to grab everything they can and walk back to Harcourt's, but that's when a howling kicks up, and a fog rolls in.  This must be the demon wind everyone keeps talking about.

Every time the fog rolls past them, they find themselves somewhere else, so yeah, so much for reality.  After a few bamfs through Nightcrawler's sulfur and brimstone, they are standing right back where they started.

And that's when three creepy girls whom we've never seen before, or will ever see again, or ever be explained, appear.

The big lug stomps up to the girls and before he can tell them they're getting a Dell, his big square head gets flung away by the force of their evil.

Bonnie freaks out some more, tries to run, but is grabbed by one of the girls.  And she is then turned into a dolly that vaguely resembles her.  Why?  I don't know.  It's never explained, it just HAPPENS.

And to top that all off, the Bonnie doll says a few things and then bursts into flames.  Let's just throw every single creepy thing we can think of into this movie folks!

 Oooh, the new Bleeding Bonnie doll.

Oooh, the new Bleeding Bonnie doll.

They wonder what to do next, and Cory says let's head to the house, because that will probably be safer than the cars.  Uh.  "So yeah, we're just gonna spend the night in the house THAT DOES NOT EXIST with dead, charred ancient skeletons inside."  Sure, that sounds fine and safe!  They have little other choice BUT STILL.

Everyone settles into the house and does their best to clean the place up before another demon wind blows through and knocks more stuff out of the cabinets.

Cory sees a vision of his grandmother, beckoning him down to the basement, because that always goes so well in horror movies.

 Come and give grams a big hug!

Come and give grams a big hug!

He pokes around, and finds his Grams diary...and starts reading from that out loud.  ASDFGHJKL.  Why do you people keep reading stuff in this house?  Out loud?  THAT IS NOT WRITTEN IN ENGLISH??

Sigh.  Fortunately, it goes fine, this time, and they read about a set of seven daggers that can be used to fight the demons, and if you have all seven, you can kill the Son of Satan.  Oh, what did Damian Hellstrom ever do to anyone not named Patsy?

Also of note, five of the daggers are lost.  And we never see more than the two they have.  So setting up, "Find all seven to kill the son of Satan!" goes nowhere.  Also, the daggers tend to disappear when used on the demons, so that's pointless.

We get a bunch of exposition over marshmallows, as Cory shares what he's found with his friends, about how his family chased a preacher named Enders out here.  Enders then started to preach about the true God, the devil.  People started dying, there was Satan worshiping, and I guess a lot of them are who start coming for our heroes any day now.

 Daddy, tell us a stoooory.

Daddy, tell us a stoooory.

Everyone bunks down as best they can for the night, while the magicians take first watch.  Chuck says he wishes he was on a Tahitian vacation.  And why not?  I hear it's a lovely place.

They hear a voice outside in the fog, and they see a blonde woman with barely any clothes on, calling their names.  And I love that they're actually not dumb enough to fall for it and are just like YUP demon.

She recedes into the fog, and they try to tell everyone, but they won't wake up.  The demon only seems to want them, because it knows people are easy to pick off onesy twosey.

 Let's show these demons our bullet catch trick.

Let's show these demons our bullet catch trick.

Our magicians head out to go confront the demon, since they can't really shoot at it now that its disappeared into the fog.  And hey, I'm SURE there's only one out there!

The half naked woman floats back in, and her feet are all gnarled and disgusting, and before I can make jokes about how this is what happens from studying ballet obsessively, we see her face ain't much better.

Stacy blows her away, for the moment, and that's when more demon locals appear.

 Lady, you got real ugly, real fast.

Lady, you got real ugly, real fast.

We get a really nice standoff at least, between the demons and the magicians.  But then Chuck foolishly says, "I think we might just get out of this!"

So cue Stacy getting run through out of nowhere.  And I don't mean that in a sudden oops there's a demon! way.  It is literally out of nowhere.  There's nothing near him, nothing in him like a weapon or spear or claw, he just suddenly opened up.

Another demon appears as Chuck tries to run, and he SPIN KICKS IT IN THE FACE.  I absolutely love that the ninja skills *actually come back into play*.  It wasn't just silliness.

 ABRACA-HAIKEEBA

ABRACA-HAIKEEBA

While the neck spews mustard, more fog rolls in, and ugh, whomever smelt it summoned it.  But Chuck Bacon made it back to the farmhouse, he tells the demons to fuck off, and never taunt the demons.

Because one appears behind him, grabs him, and he screams.  Which, after all the shotgun blasts and gun shots the pair of them made, it's the SCREAM that finally wakes everyone up wondering what's going on.

They look outside, see the dead bodies, and Terry gives one of the best, most amazing NOOOOs I've seen.

Sunrise comes, and they hear a car pull up, as Willie and Reena drive in.  Cory yells for them in a reverse Halloween 3, to not shut it off, don't shut it off!...so Willie shuts off the jeep so he can hear them.  And yep, now his car is dead too.

 And hello off brand Zooey Deschanel.

And hello off brand Zooey Deschanel.

They all head back to the farm and start boarding up the windows which uh...  Which aren't actually there, on the other side of the walls and...no.  Nope, I am not gonna try and think about the logic and physics of any of this, especially once the demons start hordeing and could just walk around the walls, but just moving on.

Dell and Terry decide they're not gonna stay another night in this place, and despite having no car, and magic fog, are gonna try and get out of there.

As they walk off, Jack turns to Cory..."I don't think they're gonna make it".  I love the faith y'all have in your friends!  It's a very "stormin' the castle!" moment.

While everyone gets back to work securing the doors and windows that do not exist, Cory sneaks off to one of the rooms and calls out to his grandmother.  The fireplace bursts back to life again, as if to say, "Oh Cory, you look so cold, you should have brought a jacket, let me warm you up a bit dearie."

Daniel Jackson declares they should take the fight to the evil, instead of waiting to be picked off.  Since everyone keeps mentioning the barn, they get ready to go attack whatever is in there, hoping that there is a doorway into the BarnDIS since that is a pile of Popsicle sticks too.

 These demons really need to get their carboureator checked out.

These demons really need to get their carboureator checked out.

Meanwhile, Dell and Terry are still wandering the woods, when Terry gets taken, and grows long, pencil thick fingernails.  I guess the price of fashion is YOUR ETERNAL SOUL.

She jabs Dell in the head, and before he falls to the ground dead, he blurts out, honestly kinda sweetly, "But I loved you..."  And...it should NOT be as touching as it is??

Now that the plot thread is cut off, it's back to everyone else, as they head to the barn.  And watch as the door magically reconstructs itself to allow access to the BarnDIS.

 CAP: If she's looking for his brain, she ain't gonna find much...

CAP: If she's looking for his brain, she ain't gonna find much...

The barn seems pretty normal inside, considering it doesn't actually HAVE an inside...OH except for the blood painted on the walls and the human skeleton with a bull head atop it.

Okay, is this some sort of warning someone left?  Or is it something more?  IS it just a human skeleton with a cow skull stuck over it?  Or is the WHOLE thing supposed to be one great skeleton of an entity?  I would imagine it's the latter, this is the skeleton of some powerful demon, but I'unno.

But none of that is important as Reena approaches, transfixed by the beauty...and a tongue lashes out of the skull grabbing her by the throat.  She gets reeled in like a carny to a lion's gaping maw...and her head gets bitten off.

 The original Funko Pop.

The original Funko Pop.

They start to leave, but the demon possessed magicians are blocking their way.  Cut rate James Spader threatens to shoot MephiStacyphlese with the shotgun, but he declares that won't work, because this is a house of the dead.

...Barn.  Barn of the dead.  And also, that's a rule?  Guns don't work in homes of the damned?  Can I get a guidebook?

They start to attack Elaine, and Cory pulls out one of the Kandarian daggers, waving it menacingly until the guys run off.

Everyone runs back to the farmhouse, and realise they don't have Willie.  But you can't push Willie out of the barn, because Willie won't go.

They start to turn back and get him, but Reena appears, with his severed head, so the newcomers are already come and gone.  Thanks for joining us for ten minutes.

 Hello random new people!

Hello random new people!

 ...Goodbye random new people!

...Goodbye random new people!

Cory stabs her with the dagger, she disappears and dies again, and everyone piles into the farmhouse, while the demon hordes stumble out of the barn.  Oh no, not Sophia.

But as the demons approach, they get hit by a giant bug zapper.  Apparently, grams spells still work, and the demons can't get to them.  The survivors taunt and tease the demons inability to come any closer.

Sigh.  DO NOT TAUNT HAPPY FUN BALL.

The demons keep coming though, until they overwhelm the spells and start pouring in through the windows.  Yay, grams spells protected us, for all of 45 seconds!

 Actual electric boogaloo.

Actual electric boogaloo.

Jack heads to check the back rooms, while Cory and Elaine protect the front doors and windows.  One of the demons crawls through saying, "We meet again!" and uh.  Um.  I...have no idea who that is.

Terry shows up and bites Jack, and then Bonnie is suddenly there, no longer burnt, bleeding, OR a doll, pleading for help.  So that happened.

Our zeroes start to get overwhelmed as more and more demons approach, starting to breach the windows now, and Elaine goes to get Jack.

She finds him, all demonised, and after he gets very handsy and gropey, she teaches him that sexual harassment is wrong with the second of the Pandarian daggers right into his eye.  Jack flickers back through his life, from demon to human to kid to baby and that should be the end of it but no, then he becomes a dove.

 This movie is for the birds.

This movie is for the birds.

What.  Why.  What. WHAT.

Okay, I could have TOTALLY rolled with that complete nonsense IF it had happened to the Great Chuckdini.  That would've made some weird sense.  He even threw off a dove at the start of the movie.  It still would be weird and messed up, but it would've had SOME connection.  WHAT.

The demons finally crash in, pouring through the door to the back room, and they do something kinda wonderful.  As the demons come through the door, the camera is pointed right at it, and all the demons stare RIGHT down the barrel of the lens, something actors are told NEVER to do, for obvious reasons.

It breaks the fourth wall, but here it causes the effect that the monsters are coming for YOU, they've made eye contact with YOU and it is amazingly effective.

That's when a voice rings out, calling to the demons, to come back, and it's heavily tinged with religious overtones, and all the demons, seconds away from getting the two survivors, just bugger off back outside.

 Oh for fuck's sake...JUST USE THE DOOR!!

Oh for fuck's sake...JUST USE THE DOOR!!

All the demons exit the house, with Cory and Elaine sneaking forward to see what's going on.  The fog rolls back a little, revealing a man in a preacher's vestments, and all the demons congregating around him.

This must be Enders, I presume?  But at the same time...look.  I have watched this movie...this is my fifth time as I am writing these words.  But even on rewatch #5, I am still going, "IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE HARCOURT??"  Because it KINDA looks like him.  And KINDA sounds like him, but they've treated his voice a little, and he's speaking more officious and eloquently than before, in a different tone, but I am just not sure!

And this is when a whole lot of awesomeness occurs.  It's also a whole pile of batshit from here on out to the end of the movie.  But it's amazing batshit.

 The demons are filled with Tang!

The demons are filled with Tang!

The demons become orange blobs, glom onto the preacher WHOMEVER HE IS and suddenly there stands in his place a giant, hulking mess of a demon...and Bonnie for some reason.  She is having the ABSOLUTE WORST DAY of her LIFE.  Tormented.  Dolled.  Burned.  Returned to proclaim dire things and disappear, now THIS.

And "this" entails the demon hugging her close, and draining her, as she ages before our very eyes between cuts.

Elaine wants to rush in and help her friend, but Cory holds onto her, saying there's nothing they can do for Bonnie.

 I dunno, mate, she might be okay.

I dunno, mate, she might be okay.

AND I SWEAR AT ONE POINT THE DEMON SAY YUM.

But let me pause for a moment and lay out the top four reasons why this must be Harcourt.  Or it WAS Harcourt before now.  I dunno what this ugly motherfucker making the Predator look like prom queen is.

My reasons why it must be Harcourt
1. Vague resemblance
2. Goats milk.
3. He's not in the gas station when they return later.
4. No other person in the credits for him to be.

The Demon approaches the house, and Cory grabs the book.  At this point, they have nothing to lose by trying grams' magic recipes.

On cloven hooves the demon enters, towering over the survivors and asks, "Am I not beautiful?"  Honey, you fell out the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

 Abashed the devil stood, and showed how awful Demon Wind is.

Abashed the devil stood, and showed how awful Demon Wind is.

BUT WAIT the batshit continues.

The two complete their spell, rotoscoped lightning swirls around Cory's head and...suddenly he's a bald alien thing creature?  An angel?  A Promethean alien?  Is he from Metaluna??  I DON'T KNOW.

But the Demon declares that the old witch did possess 'the great secrets'.  Well can WE possess them too, because I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON.

 Cory Exeter.

Cory Exeter.

Cory wheels back and nails the demon lord right in the crotch, so I guess demons got nards too.  Can we just take a moment to soak in that the final battle between good and evil begins with a nutshot?

But the batshit continues to escalate from there to a hilarious special effects battle, because the effects in this movie are *indeed* special.

As the demon freezes Doug Exeter where he stands, he declares that Cory is the last of his line, and once he's dead, there will be nothing to stop him.  Okay, I like the idea of a family tradition of standing against the darkness.  It would've been nice to have this ANYWHERE in the last 80 minutes, but fine.

 Octorocks!

Octorocks!

The Demon grabs Cory by the face, singes him at the fingertips, and Cory falls to the ground...and then he wakes up.  Surrounded by his friends.  After he passed out entering the house at the start of the movie.

IT WAS ALL A DREAM.

WHAT.

NO.

FUCK YOU MOVIE.

But NO the batshit CONTINUES to escalate, as the facade falls away, the trick reveals itself, and this was nothing more than a demonic machination.

THAT.  THAT is how you do a dream fakeout.  And they do it SO CLOSE to the end of the movie, you buy it for a second.  Unlike in movies like 1408, where they make you think they escape the horrors and go back to normal life MIDWAY THROUGH THE MOVIE so you know it ain't gonna stick.

As his friends return to their demonic states, it even takes over Elaine, leaving him with no one.  But now that we're back to bald Cory, he uses the power of Christ or WHATEVER to compel her back to normality.  Because I guess he can do that now, too!

The demon tries to send him back to his father to torment Cory with his suicide, but he's come to terms with that, isn't afraid of it anymore, and it has no power over him.

So the final battle kicks into high gear, and the batshit escalates to new and dizzying heights,  with Cory flying across the room with BALD ANGEL DEMON WIND ATTACK.

 You won't believe a man can fly.

You won't believe a man can fly.

While the two of them duke it out, Elaine starts to read the final spell in the book.  Because it is expressly to send the demon back to Hell.  But what about the daggers?  Ehhhh.

The spell culminates, flames borf out of the fireplace, engulfing the demon, and you would think the devil would be fine with fire.  But Demon Wind shows you just how wrong you are.  It shows you how wrong you are about everything.

A blue shell of bad effects wrap around our zeroes, as lightning and happy little demon ghosts escape the burning hellspawn.

 WHEEEEEE! ᐛ  ᐛ

WHEEEEEE! ᐛ  ᐛ

The house explodes AGAIN and yes, it is a reused explosion from the start of the movie, but you know what?  It's such a wonderful, glorious explosion, I am going to allow this reuse.

After Farmageddon, Cory and Elaine crawl out of the rubble, and they discover the FarmDIS is no more, and it is just a crumbling, burning pile of sticks.

They get in their jeep, I would've taken Chuck's convertible myself, they earned it, and head back to Harcourt's Last Chance Gas and Cafe.

Elaine heads inside to try and find Harcourt's niece, and FINALLY I catch an almost thrown away bit of dialogue.  "My uncle, he was..."  "We know".  That WAS Harcourt.  Geeze, five times through... (Also props to some friends who caught it on rewatch #4 and pointed it out so I could keep my ears open.)

But then she steps out of the kitchen, and of COURSE she's a demon, because this movie can't just END already.

Cory walks in with his grams' diary, blasts her with it because I guess it can do THAT now and they drive off, but not before one final helping of WHAT as we see a girl watch them leave, and turns to the camera with a lumpy demon face and demon teeth.

 CAP: BOOKS!  The greatest weapons in the universe!

CAP: BOOKS!  The greatest weapons in the universe!

AUTOPSY REPORT

Video: I have NO idea how this nightmare of a movie looks THIS GOOD.  Props to Vinegar Syndrome, they do amazing work on their transfers.

Audio: Same goes for the audio.

Sound Bite: "God changed you into a snake and a chickenshit at the same time."

Body Count: Things get a little vague, what with possessed dead, but I sorted it out, and we get a respectable amount as like, 90% of everyone dies.

0 - We see a maybe dead body, and the first demon possessed guy has a high likelihood of being dead but...
1 - First confirmed kill of the woman, when the demon attacks her, and the house expldoes, six minutes in.
2 - Stacy gets his neck slashed.
3 - Chuck gets killed
4 - Terry dies when the death fog rolls in.
5 - Then her demonised corpse stabs Dell in the face.
6 - New girl gets eaten by the original Funko Pop.
7 - Willie loses his head
8 - Jack gets bitten and demoned.
9 - Bunny gets drained
10 - Demon goes boom
11 - Harcourt's niece goes boom

Best Corpse: Dell's death is weirdly affecting and touching.

Blood Type - B: There's plenty of blood all over this movie, but the real star, the majority of points, goes to the makeup effects.  They're unique, striking, and eye catching, while being gooey and disgusting and fun.  I don't know WHY Cory's head goes alien, but it looks great.

Sex Appeal: Random demon chick floats in with no top on.

Drink Up! Every time someone dies.  Or drink.  Just...drink.  This movie warrants it.

Video Nasties: The greatest cinematic introduction to a character ever, that of Chuck and his ninja magician spin kicks.  Enjoy the batshit.

Movie Review: Demon Wind isn't quite a movie.  If you squint hard enough, it starts to LOOK like a movie though.  It is movie adjacent.  The plot makes sense in the broadest of strokes, but the details...well, you saw everything I've written.  The plot is a MESS of ideas that somehow surprisingly come together to be coherent ENOUGH, but not much more.  The acting is way better than it should be, despite everyone someone just being dispassionate.  That's less about how they're acting the mood as the mood itself.  The effects are cheesy, but consistently so, and SOMEone sure put in a lot of love.  Three out of five smiley demon ghosts, because this is a valiant effort with too many ideas.

Entertainment Value: Do I need to say even a single word here?  Holy shit this movie is amazing.  I fucking LOVE Demon Wind.  This is an incoherent mess, but it is amazing, and it is, most importantly ENTERTAINING AS ALL HELL.  I knew what I was in for, but I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS IN FOR.  You know exactly where this movie is going, and yet are constantly surprised about what comes next.  This is an experience to be sure, and it's not SO BAD it's good, because there is genuine quality and work put into this.  But it is somehow a mess all the same, in all the best ways.  Five out of five flying angel men.

 This movie hits you in the head like a spin kicked beer can.

This movie hits you in the head like a spin kicked beer can.