Die Hard Dracula (1998) — Triskaidekafiles

DIE HARD DRACULA

WRITER: Peter Horak

DIRECTOR: Peter Horak

STARRING: Bruce Glover as Doctor Van Helsing
Denny Sachen as Steven Hillman
Kerry Dustin as Carla & Julia
Nathalie Huot as Dana
Talia Botone as Sonia

QUICK CUT: After his girlfriend dies, Steven travels to Europe to find himself.

THE MORGUE

Steven - A young man suffering his first major loss in life. He’s a nice guy, charming, gets over loss a bit too easily, and always ready to help people out.

Doctor Van Helsing - A vampire hunter of some renown. He’s a trickster, magician (of a non supernatural variety) and determined to get his man.

Dracula - A grumpy gus who just wants to live his life with his brides and play his violin.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! I know I tend to shy away from the more well known bad movies, especially if they've been covered by some of the larger names in the bad movie review biz, but every so often, I do like touching base with some of the "classics". Die Hard Dracula is one of those, although I think it's a bit further down the list and is a lesser known better known bad movie. Anyways, this is how we're finishing February.

The movie opens up with a "Previously on Die Hard Dracula" sequence narrated by Discount Morgan Freeman, and covering much of the historical context of Vlad Dracula up to his “death”.

After 300 years, Dracula's corpse gets tired of all 'this praying and crying bullshit" and his casket...flies away. To a bit of Wagner. Ride of the Vampires, if you will.

Sometime later, in the age of sepia, the local king sends his men to a farm to collect his virgin bride. Sonia's father sends her running away, while he delays the knights.

And look, I know you gotta deal with the dissident, but should maybe someone go after the whole reason y'all're here?

She runs straight into the castle that Air Casket landed in, and when the king shows up to claim her, he instead gets offed by Dracula himself. But not before the king stabs the farmgirl.

Dude looks like he escaped from my local theatre troop.

The vampire lord decides to turn the girl into a vampire like him, so they can live happily deader after.

And FINALLY we jump to the present day, in California, with a bunch of kids waterskiing. Oh no, not more waterskiing. At least this movie should have more blood than Blood Lake.

Cutting to the chase, the lead's romantic interest has a tragic warterskiing incident, and dies. So, Steven takes Julia's corpse to his father's government lab and uses Trioxin to...wait wait, wrong Julie.

My name is Penn, and I’m looking for my partner, Renfield.

So, Steven wishes on a falling star she was alive, and the star falls right into the open grave of another girl on the other side of the world, right near Dracula's castle.

This actually, somehow, manages to bring this other dead girl back to life. Oh, and she is a dead ringer for Julia.

Meanwhile, Steven randomly decides to go on a trip to clear his head, randomly to the exact country Dracula and his falling star landed in.

All right, which one of you threw the flaming rock on the casket? Alan, was that you?? We talked about this!

Stuff uh...stuff just kinda *happens* in this movie folks. I dunno what to tell ya.

Before he leaves, Steven's mother gives him a pendant to protect him against evil, and makes him promise to never ever take it off until he's home. Don't worry, mom, I promise I won't take it off until I meet a totally hot chick halfway through the movie!

We get a tour of Metroidvania, or whatever it is they called this totally not Romanian country. This is definitely nowhere near as scenic a journey as we got in Subspecies, but I digress.

Steven tries to drown his sorrow, but he just keeps seeing Julia everywhere, and he stumbles drunkenly into the night.

Waiter! Excuse me! There seems to be a Julia in my drink!

Later, Steven drives out into the countryside, so he can meet up with the consequences of his actions, and the actual plot.

He gets into a random car accident and eventually finds his way to a local inn, and meets the innkeeper's daughter, the dead but not dead girl. He recognises her as Julia, and passes out from head injury, blood loss, and the what the fuck of it all.

She tells him her tale of resurrection, and he tells her all about Julia, the comet, and everything. And she is remarkably chill about it all. But I guess if you came back from the dead, you'd be more open to this nonsense/

No longer am I the Julia you knew, now and forever, I am CARLA!

Elsewhere, Dracula finds a local girl doing laundry by the river, and has a bit of a snack. He hilariously rises out of a green screen in the river, and looks so sketch, it's a wonder she even trusts him.

Back at the inn, Steven is feeling well enough to come downstairs, and hears how this town has a problem with girls randomly going missing. Oh, do I have some bad news for you guys, time to reset the counter.

Which they find out soon enough, when someone finds the laundry basket left by the river.

And just look at this terrible job she did with the laundry!

The movie briefly cuts to Dracula, musing about how badly they need blood, and they're in terrible shape without it. And we see Sonia is still with him, although she remains in the casket for much of the movie. In fact, she doesn't really add much of anything at all to the plot.

Back at the inn, Doctor Van Helsing arrives after the local priest called him. He arrives, and does some cheap parlour tricks to impress the locals. And Steven.

They start talking about how to deal with the vampire problem, and Van Helsing says he may need their help, but oops, everyone is suddenly busy with real lives!

When she found out how little she’s actually in the movie.

Steven offers his assistance, but the doctor is a bit concerned at his youth, and lack of experience. As...as opposed to everyone else's wealth of experience in dealing with vampires?!

Dracula decides to show up for a bite to eat, a normal one, and everyone immediately clocks him as a vampire. But Van Helsing must be sure, so engages in a battle of wits. Shame they're both unarmed.

Steven hears he ordered a steak bloody rare, and that's all the proof he needs, and he says let's set him on fire! All right, slow down, I am as in for an old fashioned burning as the next gal, but even I know we need more evidence than that.

But finally the doctor spikes his bread with garlic, so now they know he is a vampire. Or he has allergies. But close enough! And AGAIN the movie steals my joke!

Carla shows Steven the creek where Dana went missing, and the two become close. So close, they part ways with a kiss. So much for mourning his one true love.

After Carla leaves, Danasferatu shows up to try and seduce Steven. She leads him on a merry chase to a barn, and tries to have her way with him.

Can you kids wrap it up? Anakin and Amidala have this spot booked for 9:13.

Dracula shows up, looking a bit more classic vampire, at least in his attire. His face looks like a rejected Buffy vampire design.

The two get into what I guess you could call a fight. Steven insists he's an American, and tough, before getting his ass beat and tossed out of the barn.

American exceptionalism strikes again.

Steven reports in with Van Helsing, and they clear up that bit about their vampires wandering around in sunlight. You see, that is only in books! In *movies* we do things the RIGHT way!

At Castle Radu, Sonia complains about her husband's wandering eyes, and I thought she was nearly comatose? Her health fluctuates wildly. She still fails to leave her coffin, though.

However, she does climb out to stretch across the piano when the humans show up to confront the vampires.

Dracula still insists he's NOT a vampire, and says sure, search the castle for any missing peasant girls, you won't find anything. Why even keep the charade up at this point?

Once they're in the basement, Dracula shows up to lock them in, but not before Van Helsing tries to shoot him with a silver bullet. He seems to miss, and the two are left to rot.

But they find a conveniently open window, and discover a chest full of gold coins, for no reason other than to try and convince the other villagers to help them

Once they're back at the inn, the doctor gets totally shitfaced and speculates that Dracula's heart must be "loose" and floating around his body freely. Ah yes, his...his heart is...floating around...freely. That is..that's clearly the most reasonable assumption to make here.

For no particular reason, Dracula goes to the dentist to have a tooth fixed, and the dentist decides to remove one of his fangs. It costs him dearly, but...

Look. As goofy as this movie is (compliment), pulling a vampire's fang is a fairly underused idea.

Meanwhile, Van Helsing has had a new weapon forged, to try and pierce a wider area of chest to catch Dracula's free-floating heart.

But, for some reason, Van Helsing stabs the vampire in the stomach with it. Look, I know the old saying about the way to a man's heart, but this is surely not what they meant.

Meanwhile, Steven pays a visit to Carla, and finds her sewing a wedding dress. So, he immediately proposes to her. Wow. Julia's not even cold in her grave yet.

Before this can go any further, Van Helsing arrives with some grenades and a new plan to go back to the castle and just blow shit up.

They arrive at the castle and blow up Dracula...or at least, his violin. Everyone's a critic. The vampire chases them away by hurling fireballs right back at them.

Van Helsing is not very good at this whole vampire hunting thing, is he?

They head back to the inn for the night, and Steven gives Carla the pendant his mother said to never take off.

Carla and Steven then have a marathon love making session, complete with banging the headboard against the wall. A lot.

Fortunately, Dracula shows up and kidnaps Carla, once they've fallen asleep. They dance for a bit, and he tries to seduce her, but he encounters the cross Steven gave her.

Eventually though, she does get fed upon by Dracula, so that's gonna put a wrinkle in her wedding plans.

I have a confession to make; I’m not left handed.

The two boys finally show up, and Van Helsing shoves Steven into a sword fight with the vampire lord.

With a little help in the form of outside interference from Van Helsing, Steven actually manages to behead the vampire. But like every other attempted method, it fails to kill him. Did Van Helsing ever actually encounter a vampire before ever, in his life??

Vampire Carlestat shows up to try and seduce Steven, but the doctor keeps him focused. Meanwhile, Dracula reattaches his head, and the fight continues.

The boys get chased off by the bad Emperor Palpatine impression, and make one last attempt to kill the vampire lord, while his trio of brides dance about in the courtyard.

Steven climbs up the very cheap cardboard set, while Van Helsing prepares a flaming arrow. At the last second, the boy pours gasoline over the vampire, even though I question the angles of that, and the doctor hits him with the arrow, making for a Dracsplsion.

The girls don't take this well, and try to feed on the boys, but then, Steven wakes up in a hospital and...IT WAS ALL A DREAM!

...Or was it? Carla reassures him that he's safe, and he just needs a few days rest, and all is well. But then she walks down the hallway, meets with Dracula, and Steven disappears from his bed.

And we then see Van Helsing, now a vamp, hanging out with Dracula, and the brides, and Carla, and Steven is there too. So...what was the point of the dream not dream dream fakeout??

Oh well. Sometimes, a family is an anicnet vampire, his bride, the man who's been hunting him, a couple of local girls, and an American.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It’s not BAD but it’s definitely late 90s direct to video hastily transferred to DVD.

Audio: It sounds fine, Dracula sounds over dubbed, but I can understand the dialogue, so that’s a win.

Sound Bite: “How dare you screw on top of my casket!"

Body Count: I’m not counting any of the deaths in the opening history lesson. And as is always the case with vampire movies “death” is a tough thing to track.

1 - About six minutes in, and the virgin sacrifice gets, well...
2 - And the sacrifice-ee gets choked and eaten by Dracula shortly afterwards.
3 - Sonia's dad is found hanged.
4 - Julia dies while waterskiing
5 - Dracula finds a nice local girl to snack on.
6 - The dentist gets killed by Dracula
7 - Dracula drains and kills Carla
8 - Van Helsing gets bitten and turned
9 - And sure, let's say Steven too.

Best Corpse: I dunno folks, I’m not really feeling ANYone here. I’ll go with the king, since he deserved it.

Blood Type - D+: Not a lotta blood for a vampire movie. Half the deaths are off screen. A few small dribbles, and that’s it.

Sex Appeal: Some brief nudity when Dracula rips off Carla’s nightgown.

Drink Up! every time Sonia appears in the movie

Movie Review: It should be clear that I find this movie very silly. And I’m sure that’s on purpose. The movie has a sense of humour, and is arguably more comedy than horror. The plot is okay, although a lot of stuff just…happens. The acting is tolerable, and Bruce Glover gives the best performance here, I’d say. But that is a low bar. The movie looks cheap, and is at least put together with some level of skill. But overall, it’s a two out of five fireballs.

Entertainment Value: All that said…the humour is chuckle worthy, and again, a very silly movie. It knows what it is, and it works in a weird way. It is a fun watch, and I have a lot of fun with the movie. There’s something about the movie that has the vibe of people wanting to be there, and this is the movie they wanted to make, more or less. It has that pre 2000s bad movie charm to it. It is worth watching at least once, just to say you did, and have a few laughs. Three out of five vampire brides.