Triskaidekafiles is a love letter to cheesy cinema from the 80s and 90s, with the occasional dip into other eras. if you're a fan of MST3K, Elvira, Joe Bob Briggs, or just bad horror movies in general, Trisk is the place for you.
Fredbruary continues at Trisk with this review of Fear Clinic, starring Robert Englund, Thomas Dekker, and Fiona Dourif.
Englund stars as a doctor trying to explore and cure fear, but he awakens something he should not have, and the doorway will not be closed easily.
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How could I *not* review a movie with this name?
I'd been aware of it for awhile, but had not gotten around to watching it, until a friend of mine told me that she thought it was just terrible.
Well now, that's kinda like offering a little kid a lollipop. Gotta see just how much it sucks!
Another person I know said the movie was 'the best' and well... how did the movie fare? Was it terrible, or was it the best?
You can probably guess from the name, but let's take a look at this.
Now, I did NOT hate this movie. It IS pretty bad though. It opens up with some awfuly created news reports that I could do on my computer. From 1999. And then there is some terrible exposition and even worse acting from some army soldiers. Oh, and a trashy EMP effect that is pointless, because it does nothing and plays no role in the plot ever again.
The movie does get a bit better once we get that over with and move on to the strip club. And not because of the strippers, believe me. Their acting is just as bad as the soldiers, mostly.
But we do get Robert Englund as the skeevy club owner who, upon seeing his strippers become EVEN BETTER STRIPPERS once they're zombies, sees a goldmine of an opportunity! He chews the scenery like only the former Freddy Krueger can, and it is awesome. He has some great lines, with great delivery, and him alone is worth watching.
The movie is stifled though, by too much stripping. Yes, I know what I am saying. But it goes on for so long, with so many strippers, and they all have to do their bits, as regular strippers and then as zombies. And stripping battles too!
I don't mind that stuff, but there is just soo much, that it detracts from... Uh... Not the plot. Not the story... Let's just say it fluffs out the movie and move on.
But there's some good gags here, I got a few laughs, and the blood and gore effects are seriously not terrible. Some great headshots, an amazing jaw tear, some skeletal bones, and other stuff.
The movie isn't entirely a waste of time, but you might want to keep the fast forward button handy. I saw it free on Amazon, and I will tell you this: That is the right price for me. If you can do the same, and got 90 minutes to kill, what the hell. You could do worse.
I'd give it a barely three out of five. Probably 2.9 if I had to say that specifically.. Too padded, too much awful acting, but with some good bloody bits, and Englund make it be at least entertaining for some parts of it. But brace yourself for cheese.
And still WAYYY better than Clown Hunt, once you get past the opening army scene.
J
But seriously, where the FUCK did the donkey come from?!