Blood Theatre (1984) — Triskaidekafiles

BLOOD THEATRE

WRITER: Rick Sloane

DIRECTOR: Rick Sloane

STARRING: Mary Woronov as Miss Blackwell
Jenny Cunningham as Jennifer/Ellen
Jonathan Blakely as the Original Owner
Andrew Cofrin as Adrian
Joanna Foxx as Selena
Stephanie Dillard as Darcy
Rob-Roy Fletcher as Dean Murdock
Daniel Schafer as Malcolm

QUICK CUT: A group of friends come together to fix up the old theatre before opening day.

THE MORGUE

Jennifer - A young cheerleader working at the local Spotlite Theatre. She’s smart and caring, and has little patience for spooky shit.

Adrian - Jennifer’s boyfriend, and chosen to run the newest Spotlite Theatre. He’s a nice guy who just wants to get the job done.

Murdock - The owner of the chain of Spotlite Theatres. For all his complaints about not making money, he sure does buy a lotta theatres. He’s also very sleazy and cuts corners and very self serving.

Miss Blackwell - Murdock’s assistant slash secretary. She’s got a major attitude and is one of the few people to stand up to the boss.

Selena - The local slutty character. She’s got a major attitude problem, and it’s shocking she’s made it as far as she has, and still has a job.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Happy anniversary, Triskelions! 17 years and counting of doing this shit. We mark the occasion this year with a movie about bad movies in a movie theatre, kinda, called Blood Theatre. This is another movie from Rick Sloane of Hobgoblins and The Visitants infamy, so you know what we're in for here...

We open up in the past, at a struggling theatre as stage productions are waning, and the talkies are starting to take off. It's their final night, and ticket sales are not going well. But hey, what're they gonna do, shut us down?

The owner is frustrated by all this, seeing his life work going down the tubes, and he decides he would rather make it go up in flames. He finds some film canisters, and sets the silver nitrate on fire and OH NO that stuff doesn’t burn, it BURNS.

People start screaming, they can't escape, and just for good measure, the owner goes out to the front booth, and stabs the girl in the ticket booth. Badly.

This gets covered a bit later in the film, but we can deal with it now; ever since, any new owner has had trouble reopening the theatre, due to deaths and accidents. There is even a sign offering 25 grand to anyone who can successfully do so. This is the main incentive for the theatre being acquired.

We jump ahead to the present of the early 80’s, at a different theatre, a full on movie theatre this time, and not just that, but part of an entire chain of Spotlite Theatres.

The theatre owner this time is a weasly guy who sells copies of the movies he shows, as an early example of piracy, to make some extra cash on the side.

But for now, he has a meeting with some of his staff, or at least the ones he can stand. Unfortunately, the rest of the staff notices, and follows to see what's up. They get shuffled off quickly though, so the grown ups can talk.

The theatre owner has just bought yet another location, and will be transferring three of his employees there, Adrian, Malcolm, and Jennifer. And yes, you can guess exactly which theatre this is.

It's a bit of a fixer upper, but it has...character.

Later, Selena has an accident with her pants, so puts on this garish pair of gold spandex pants which, if you are a fan of Rick Sloane movies, you will have seen before. And I hate that I know this fact.

Also, she gets called "jailbait" by the owner's secretary, and ma'am, NO ONE in this movie should be called jailbait. I know it's a well trod trope to have much older actors play high schoolers, but this movie goes above and beyond.

We spend some time with the crew fixing up the theatre, cutting back to home base for the antics there, and little things going wrong at the new theatre. Doors opening and closing, fuses blowing, things coming unplugged. The usual ghostly behaviour.

To keep the bodycount going, some of Jennifer's fellow cheerleaders show up and get immediately murdered. Great, we JUST cleaned that carpet.

Spirit! (Spirit!) Some people fear it! (Fear it!)

Incidentally, every stabbing in this movie thus far has been kinda laughable. Half off screen, weakly flailing. Dude, stick to burning stuff down.

Jennifer and Adrian head back to the original theatre for a date, and Selena shows up to give them a hard time. And by that I mean, removing her top, yelling at them, and throwing food and drink in everyone's faces.

The repairs and cleanup continue apace, and the paranormal activity escalates the same. As Jennifer gets pelted with film reels, she finally runs off, and slams into the older original owner of the theatre, but escapes his strangly attempts. Which doesn't seem that difficult, honestly.

Did I not instruct that box five was to be left empty??

Adrian doesn't believe Jennifer's story, and she's had enough with the weird goings on, and decides she's not going upstairs anymore, a she heads out to get some air.

Murdock is learning more and more about the dark past of his new acquisition, and wishing he had sent the troublesome employees there, instead of the good team. Well, he's in luck, because Selena and friend have just asked for a transfer!

Some OTHER employees from the Spotlite Theatres that are friends of Jennifer visit her at the new location, and are also summarily killed. Okay, so the lesson here is clear; don't be a friend of Jennifer's.

Selena and Darcy show up, after the movie faffs about for a bit longer, and no one is happy to see them.

Eventually, the boys make the mistake of wandering off to work elsewhere, leaving Serena and friend to work. Or more accurately, immediately stop working to mess with fuses and blame it on an old building. Great, now we've got ghosts AND these two.

Darcy gets left alone while people wander about, and she ends up being grabbed and dragged under the stage to her probable demise.

Finally, opening night arrives, and the arguable climax of the film. And no one shows up, save for a news crew Adrian called.

Most of the finale is Serena running around trying to find Darcy, everyone being annoyed with her, and then finally, with eight minutes left to go, the ghost host shows up.

And it is a STUNNING anticlimax as he stumbles backwards after trying to strangle Adrian, and cracks his back on a spotlight and crumples to the ground.

Which is then made all the more ridiculous by Adrian stepping back, recoiling in horror, until he backs into ANOTHER spotlight and somehow gets electrocuted.

And THEN Malcolm tries to climb up through a window, and a shutter closes, slicing off his head. What a weird random anticlimax.

So, wait, was this the original owner, who didn’t die and aged, and is trying to keep his theatre closed. But that doesn’t make sense for the spectral shit. But if he’s a ghost, why did that hurt him? And why would he be older?

Oh wait, the owner isn't dead, he just...I don't even know. This is so weird.

Diogenes with his lantern taking a break from his search for an honest man, to take in a film.

Jennifer stumbles back into the plot, and when the theatre owner ghost sees her, he sees his lover that left him for someone else at the theatre. He helps her up, hugs her crying, remorseful, or just glad she's not dead.

But Jennifer takes the opportunity to stab the ghost, and that somehow ends all the troubles at the theatre, as the doors fly open. Sure, why not.

And the movie ends on a sudden freeze frame as cops we have never seen before enter the theatre, and credits roll. What a...what a weird choice.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It looks better than it has any right to, and that’s a credit to Vinegar Syndrome.

Audio: It sounds fine, but the voice of Serena is clearly dubbed over, and yes, there are reasons for that…

Sound Bite: “Oh my god! Who brought a chainsaw to the prom??"

Body Count: Credit where it’s due, the movie has a fairly decent body count, even without counting the opening massacre.

1 - Starting off with a bang, as the theatre's owner sets the place on fire.
2 - And then he stabs the girl in the ticket booth.
3 - Deedee gets doubly dead
4 - And then her fellow cheerleader joins her
5 - Lisa gets yanked away and probably killed
6 - Blonde employee gets stabbed
7 - Darcy gets dragged to her doom.
8 - Adrian gets shocked to death, I guess?
9 - Malcolm then gets beheaded
10 - Then Selena presumably gets killed.
11 - Jennifer kills the killer, for real this time!

Best Corpse: Not gonna lie, there’s no particularly great choices here. The ticket booth girl stands out, I guess.

Blood Type - D+: Not much blood, and most of that is at the start of the film with the ticket girl. Besides that, there’s at least a decapitation.

Sex Appeal: Serena yanks off her bra to flash Adrian and the entire theatre.

Drink Up! every time there’s a PA announcement.

Movie Review: This movie is ridiculous. The plot barely makes sense. The characters don’t act like any human I have ever seen. Half the lines in this feel like they wanna be quips or a witty comeback. One big criticism I have is that I wish there was more to differentiate between the two theatres. But I figure it's actually the same location. This is high camp, but not exactly a good movie. But it could also be so much worse. Two out of five film reels.

Entertainment Value: Every character being a caricature of an actual human being is definitely a highlight. The antics keep things interesting when spooky shit or murder isn’t going on. The sound effects/foley work is hilarious. Every door has to open with an exaggerated WHOOOSH. The murders are laughable. The fake movie trailers are a hoot. It’s such a weird, wacky movie, which is kinda a staple of Rick Sloane. It’s a silly blast to get through as you wonder just what this even is or who it’s for. Me. It’s for me. Four out of five bags of popcorn.