The Visitants — Triskaidekafiles

THE VISITANTS

WRITER: Rick Sloane

DIRECTOR: Rick Sloane

STARRING: Marcus Vaughter as Eric
Johanna Grika as Exeter
Joel Hile as Lubbock
Nicole Rio as Ellen
William Thomas Dristas as Sherwin
Jeffrey Culver as Levelland
Cliff Corder as Eric's Father
Joan Tinei as Eric's Mother

QUICK CUT: New neighbours in town try and acclimate to the new neighbourhood but their kid next door keeps causing them trouble.

THE MORGUE

Eric - A high school senior who is dealing with a bit of senioritis, but his boredom is quickly overcome when he discovers his next door neighbours have been aliens for the last 30 years. He’s a nice enough guy, but he’s also a bit opportunistic.

Ellen - Eric’s love interest, if not quite girlfriend. She’s way more into Eric than he is into her. His mind is on other things, and she just needs to get his attention. Your average live interest archetype, really.

Sherwin - Eric’s best friend, and the required goofball. He never takes things entirely seriously. He’s also a bit lonely and looking for love in all the wrong places.

Lubbock and Exeter - A pair of aliens who arrived on Earth in the 50s, to survey the planet for eventual takeover. They are quirky and out of place, and don’t see humans as much of a threat, and have little regard for human lives.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Happy Triskoween, everyone! It's the last review of October, and we are wrapping up with a movie that's just a fun, silly little obscuriosity. That last movie was a bit of a let down, so I thought we could follow up a movie about aliens visiting Earth and getting up to wacky misadventures with suburban kids, with...a movie about aliens visiting Earth and getting up to wacky misadventures with suburban kids.

This vaguely similar plot - and this time it is the ONLY plot and the focus of the movie - is called The Visitants. It came to my attention thanks to the crew over at Hello! This is the Doomed Show, and was written and directed by Rick Sloane. That name might be familiar from the infamous "Hobgoblins" that got the MST3K treatment.

We open up on an alien couple, Beldar and Prymaat...er, Exteter and Lubbock, as they are traveling the spaceways to Earth. They insert a typical "man driving is lost and refuses to ask for directions" joke, because it was the 80s. Don't worry though, I hear the Vogons are building a hyperspace bypass that will take you straight by Earth.

They finally beam up to Earth though, and immediately run into a couple of kids from the 50s. And wow, talk about deja vu. This doesn't end as well as it did in the last movie, as the aliens don't take the kids clothes, instead, Lubbock kills one of them, and they make plans to take one of the kids parents' home, implying heavily they're gonna kill them too.

We then jump 30 years to the then-present day of the 1980s, because the aliens are here to conduct a survey of the planet, that will take three decades. So much for advanced technology.

But they are all done, and the mothership is coming to pick them up. Once they do, the aliens shall commence the full invasion, scheduled for Halloween night, because they won't be recognised.

Pfff, aliens invading on Halloween to avoid notice. What an absurd idea.

Sitting that close to a tv will make you go blind.

Unfortunately, the kid next door, Eric, is having trouble sleeping because the aliens' space satellite dish makes weird feedback noises that keep him up all night.

Eric gets up the next day, and gives his friends Sherwin and Ellen a ride to school, since they all have science projects to carry.

On the way out, Eric backs into the aliens' satellite dish, accidentally. Uh huh, right. Sure.

I kinda love how shitty everyone's project is. It's the most accurate depiction of high school science projects. Not a baking soda volcano amongst them.

Eric thinks he's going to have a good night's sleep for once, but the aliens spend all night repairing the dish with their special toy raygun, whose rays both fix the dish, and slice through everything else. Some of the stray shots take slice up stuff in Eric's room, but little else.

He asks the science teacher about his damaged clock, and the teacher encourages Eric to acquire the gun responsible for it. For SCIENCE!

So, after school, Eric breaks into his neighbours' house to steal the gun. He quickly finds it, and stashes it in his backpack, just in time for the aliens to come up behind him.

Introductions are made, and Eric asks what they do. They say they're tv repairmen, and as proof, they hand Eric a letter from their boss. Which, I shit you not, might as well be a permit from Ron Swanson. It literally says, "Lubbock and Exeter are tv repairmen. Uh, that's right, tv repairmen," and signed, "Their boss."

Lubbock puts the note back, and closes the drawer with a twirl of his finger. How did these two chucklefucks not get found out in 30 years??

But, the jig is up, and they admit they're aliens. They warn Eric it will do no good to warn people, since they can change shape at will and just disappear into the crowd!

Eric agrees not to say anything, and escapes with his life intact, and the gun in his bag. He hurries to the school, and gives it to Mr. Levelland to examine.

Finally, the aliens notice their missing property, and put two and two together. They find Eric at school, and ask him where the gun is.

Is the parent/teacher conference today??

Luckily for Eric, they search his bag, but it's already gone. Eric makes a run for it while they're distracted, but the aliens aren't far behind.

Eric interrupts Sherwin's pumpkin carving demonstraction in the auditorium, and steals his knife. He runs up to Luboock and gets him right in the chest.

However, the alien is unfazed, and removes the knife, with no problems at all. See, those safety knives are just no good.

Eric brushes it off as a prank, and escapes the aliens. But he has a nightmare that night about them coming for him in his bedroom.

There's a few more encounters with the aliens trying to get their gun back, until they eventually steal Eric's address book, for reasons we'll get to shortly.

But the night of the school's Halloween party finally comes, and Eric and Ellen are going as a couples costume, Betty and Archie.

You've never experienced the epic highs and lows of high school Halloween dances.

Eric is almost ready to leave, when he overhears the aliens' plan to arrive at midnight, and start taking over the planet. Oh, and kill everyone Eric knows if he doesn't give them their gun back, thanks to now having his little black book.

His parents are heading off the for night for their own thing, and Eric tries desperately to stop them, to protect them. Wouldn't they be...MORE safe, if they're nowhere near the carnage? Ah well.

Suddenly, Sherwin shows up with half the school at Eric's door. It seems no one can get into the school for the party, so they all decided to have it at Eric's house instead. ...I guess??

In case you haven't noticed, I'm weird. I'm a weirdo. I don't fit it, and I don't... wanna fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid mask on? That's weird.

Eric takes Sherwin and Ellen into his bedroom so he can tell them truth of what's going on, but when he catches their reflection in a mirror, he sees Luboock and Exeter. Oops, all shapeshifters!

The aliens interrogate Eric, but he won't give them any information. Although, he technically isn't lying. He genuinely does not have their gun, and he has not told anyone about the aliens. I mean, technically he was ABOUT to tell Sherwin and Ellen, but he didn't get the chance.

Lubbock transforms into Eric and goes out into the party to try and ask around, see if anyone knows anything.

The phone rings, and Ellen answers it. Levelland is on the other end of the line, needing to talk to Eric. To keep a long story from getting any longer, the disguised Lubbock discovers the gun is at the school, and the teacher has it.

The face under the hood…would I recognise it?:

Inexplicably, this movie still has 35 minutes left. It feels like the conclusion is right around the corner, but we're just gonna meander our way there.

The aliens gather up our main cast, and pack them in the car to go to the school and make sure they're not lying about the gun.

Eric explains that they're aliens, he took a magic raygun from them, and if they don't go to the school and get it back from Mr. Levelland, they'll kill everyone he knows.

Eh, no more or less ridiculous than your average Riverdale plot.

While driving there, they get pulled over for running a red light. Eric and the humans try to explain to the cop they're being kidnapped, but since it's Halloween, he assumes it's just a prank.

Once the cop has gone, the car won't start back up, so the kids all make a run for it. Because we have to take our time to finish up the movie.

The kids rush to the theatre where they were going to see a midnight showing, and try and hide out until midnight.

Two tickets for Sweater Girls from Mars, please!

But eventually we finish circling this plot cul-de-sac, and get everyone back in the car, and resume our journey to the school to finish this up.

Once they're at the school, Eric leads the aliens in the wrong direction, then the kids all bolt to go to the actual science lab.

While the aliens try and catch up, they get waylaid by a security guard that Lubbock kills. Finally, another actual death.

Oh no, I’d recognise the gold pants from Hobgoblins, anywhere.

Everyone ends up at the science lab eventually, and the aliens demand their gun back. The kids throw every object they can get their hands on, including Chekov's science projects. Oh, I hope that sodium rock from three movies ago finally gets paid off...

The aliens get the upper hand, thanks to being, y'know, aliens. They take the four humans to their ship, and prepare to leave, keeping their new pets.

Fortunately, Levelland still has the gun, and uses it to keep the aliens away long enough, to let his students make a run for it.

So, the kids escape, Levelland never makes it off the ship, the aliens have their gun back...and the invasion just never happens? What in the what? They didn't do anything to stop the invasion! Did the aliens once again decide, let us not go to Earth, it is a silly place??

The movie tries to say that the aliens couldn't risk it with the kids knowing about it but...I dunno? It's kinda weak.

And while Levelland didn’t make it back with the kids, and he may have lost his job, he did eventually return, but could only get work at a movie studio, guarding a vault full of Hobgoblins

Let’s all go to the lobby, and have a trick or treat.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: This looks pretty good, which is mo surprise from Vinegar Syndrome.

Audio: It sounds solid, too.

Sound Bite: “Eric...you live in a strange neighbourhood."

Body Count: Definitely one of the lowest body counts in awhile.

1 - Three mintues in, and the male alien zaps a kid.
2 and 3 - implied deaths of a girl's parents
4 - Lubbock killed a security guard.

Best Corpse: Can I take a whiff on this one? There’s just not much here.

Blood Type - F: Not much blood to speak of, not much effects make up. Just shiny costume design.

Sex Appeal: This movie is striking out on all counts here.

Drink Up! every time the aliens get a message from home.

Movie Review: This is an odd movie. I know, an obvious statement. But its hard to say this is a GOOD movie. I’ve seen worse, to be sure. But it almost feels like a movie in the wrong time. It is well made though, with a decent cast, and a lot of the oddness comes down to, I think Rick Sloane just enjoys making odd, whimsical movies that speak to him, specifically. Most people would be familiar with Hobgoblins, and you kinda get his vibe if you know that one, so can get what I’m talking about here. There is at least a vision behind these movies. An odd, 50s scifi tinged vision, to be sure. There’s not really much wrong here, but it’s still not great either. Three out of five rayguns.

Entertainment Value: The aliens are easily the highlight here. They are camping it up, and having fun with the fish out of water stuff, and dial in just the right amount of quirkiness. It is a very fun movie, and I enjoyed myself more than I probably should have. While the movie is light on the horror, it just felt like a nice, quaint little throwback, and if you like offbeat, quirky movies, there’s worse ones out there, so check this one out. Four out of five cheap science projects.

whule the horror in this one is pretty light, it felt like a nice