Jack 'O' Slasher (2012) — Triskaidekafiles

JACK ‘O’ SLASHER

WRITER: Jennifer Valdes

DIRECTOR: Jennifer Valdes

STARRING: Omar J. Cordy as Jack 'O' Slasher
Fallen Fayth as Fallen/Satan
Charlie Corpse as Charlie
Dennis Carter Jr. as Mad Scientist/Cult Member
Jennifer Valdes as Aardvark the Klown
Natalie Hope R as Des
Mike De as Mike
Diane De Leon as Diane
John Paul Classi as Anthony
Bradley Creanzo as Dane
James Balsamo as James
Robert Youngren as The Priest

QUICK CUT: Some kids get into some trouble and make some mischief in the local Halloween corn maze.

THE MORGUE

Another week when almost no one here is worth mentioning. These characters exist solely to die, and I could not tell you a single person’s name if they weren’t right up there.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! It's the day after Halloween, and while this movie is a bit Halloweeny, I still kinda count the November 1st review as Halloween adjacent, and we're still in harvest time, so this movie doesn't feel TOO out of place. The movie being, Jack 'O' Slasher, and uh...it sure is somethin'.

The movie opens with some poetry about Halloween, as random images are shown, some from the movie yet to come. And I even noticed some reused images still. This movie isn't even 70 minutes long, and they still pad it out with reused footage.

It also sets up the coming of "the Jack 'o' Slasher" and this is his time, his night, and sure, go ahead. You do you.

Hey uh, you, uh, you guys busy? I can come back...

The actual movie, such as it is, finally gets started with a group of friends arriving to party at their local corn maze.

But then there is MORE purple prose about the Jack 'o' Slasher that shoves the plot at us, that he has to take seven sacrifices to the circle and be killed for whatever this ritual is. Oh, and the Jack 'o' Slasher is described as a killer with the soul of a demon with the lost innocence of an angry child. So, not gonna be beating the Michael Myers accusations here.

The haunt is staffed by quirky creepy weirdos, as they are, and as near as I can figure, almost none of them are in on the upcoming murderous festivities. They're just creeps. We meet a few later on that do get in on the stabby, but these guys are mostly just carny trash.

I'd like to congratulate Captain Spaulding on her transition.

Since it's Halloween, we have to toss in a preacher yelling at the attendees about their mortal souls being in danger. Don't worry, he gets his.

All of this is really just adding up to padding by way of a Halloween haunt corn maze. And again, it's not even 70 minutes long.

Finally, Jack 'o' Slasher gets bored enough, and stabs his way into the plot by killing one of the people wandering through the haunt.

One of the few clever things about this movie, is that everyone just brushes off the deaths as part of the act, even of the people on the tour. It's not an original idea, but not enough stories take advantage of it.

The plot of the movie can basically be summed up as "random people you don't know anything about wander through a haunted house/corn maze, until Jack 'o' Slasher picks off the last person in line" for the next half hour or so. I very much want to just skip ahead, but there are at least random moments of weirdness peppered along the way worth mentioning.

Bizarre bit of dialogue: A fake snake jumps out of the corn, and one of the patrons says, and I listened like three times to make sure, "Reminds me of my ex girlfriend. That bitch would coil you up and spit you out."

Bizarre bit of dialogue #2, but this one I know was on purpose, "What of the erectifying drill of my cockrifice??" said by a Charles Manson lookalike before one of the other employees gives him head.

Don’t say that and then make eye contact with me!

Finally, we exit the haunted house portion of the 'plot' and Jack 'o' Slasher gets into a whole scene of Corn Maze Carnage, as noted in the body count section at the end. It's a bit chaotic, and I did my best, but I might have missed a body or two in here. It's a rapid fire succession of violence.

We finally meet the Satanic cult at the centre of the corn maze, as they plot to make their sacrifices...and oops, one of them just ran away.

She runs into one of the few people we recognise from the group that isn't dead yet, and he's not gonna help her, because he thinks it's part of the spooky fun, and is too busy staring at her curves.

Jack 'o' Slasher catches up with her, hits her in the back of the head with some corn, and she lands face first on a pumpkin stem, and dies.

This causes problems for the cult, since the murder needs to happen at a specific point to count or they don;t get a hole punch on their free Satan card.

We get even MORE poetry from the cult leader as they make due with the sacrifices they do have still laying around.

Aww, don't be shy, come on out little guy!

The jerkface who ignored the earlier girl's cries for help, encounters a trio of comely cultists who distract him with their feminine wiles, until the Jack 'o' Slasher drags him off to the sacrificial pit.

We at least get the see the priest wander back into the plot and get his comeuppance for trying to preach at everyone, when the Satanists have their way with him.

On the upside, Jack 'o' Beanstalk messing up one of the kills doesn't seem to have much effect, since this entire cornfield is maggotty with bodies.

More mayhem ensues as Jack 'o' Nimble chases down a few more people to kill time. Who are they? I dunno. Are they important to the plot? No. The sacrifice? Nope. But it pads the movie and body count out, I guess. And I won’t complain too much about sprinkling a little death on top like salt to make the dish more tasty.

It's played for laughs as the guy throws literally everything he can get his hands on at Jackie 'O' Haley, and we even discover the killer apparently has a corncob penis. Because why not??

Even Captain Spauldina gets in on the fun by killing the girlfriend, so at least there's variety. But why not use her for the sacrifice? Eh.

Charlie Manson wants to get their minion out of the way, now that the deaths are secure, or just because, but it doesn't end well for him when Jack 'o' Black kills him first.

But the ritual sacrifice count is still off, despite there being just...bodies EVERYwhere, man, so the cult leader sacrifices one of her own cultist. This is why we can't have nice things.

Jack 'o' Slasher then takes a carved pumpkin, and sticks it over the head of the cult member, for no particularly good reason other than "Looks cool".

But seriously, THIS shoulda been his signature this whole time.

Also, I will admit to not being an expert on Satanism, cults, or blood sacrifices, but I kinda feel like sacrificing one of your own people, who has already pledged their soul to Satan, shouldn't count?

But hey, maybe Satan is a less discerning gal than me.

The cult leader looks about to see who will be the next sacrifice, but that's when Jack 'o' Slasher swoops in, declaring it will be her, and shows her what it feels like to be stabbed.

We then cut to a graveyard, where the cult leader, now possessed by Satan and turned red, dances around a graveyard for more time than is entirely necessary.

The movie is pretty much over, save for more frollicking amongst the graves, and Satan and Jackie holding hands and just short of skipping off into the credits.

Awww, Satan just wanted to be hugged, and is now reunited with her beloved, the Jack 'o' Slasher

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It looks good, and it better for coming out in 2012.

Audio: It sounds fine, nothing notable one way or another.

Sound Bite: “I’m the patron saint of pussy!”

Body Count: Way WAY more than 7 deaths required to bring Satan to visit. I guess the Jack ‘O’ Slasher needed something to do.

1 - A woman gets her insides scooped out about four minutes into the movie.
2 - Blonde guy gets gently stabbed in the belly

Corn Maze Carnage!
3 - Jack o Slasher hits someone with a pumpkin
4 - And then another
5 - And then slits another's throat
6 - He then stabs another in the face
7 - Kills a woman by stabbing her through the face with a stalk of corn
8 - And somehow killed another in the bad editing
9 - Accidentally kills a girl when she lands on a pumpkin
10 - Jack O Slasher rips out a man's insides
11 - Kills a girl by stabbing her with a pumpkin
12 - Priest gets his eyes gouged out with his cross by the Satanists
13 - Jack o slasher gently snaps a man's neck
14 - His girlfriend gets sliced up by Captain Spauldette
15 - The erectrifying guy gets choked out by Jack O Slasher
16 - The cult leader stabs one of her minions to complete the ritual
17 - And then the cult leader gets a taste of her own medicine
18 - Some rando gets killed with a stalk of corn

Best Corpse: The girl who gets stabbed in the eye with the pumpkin stem was pretty cool.

Blood Type - B: A decent amount of blood and gore. The guts and pumpkin injuries are well done.

Sex Appeal: I don’t recall any outright nudity, but it definitely leans into safe sexiness.

Drink Up! every time they recite some poetry.

Movie Review: There’s really not much to say here. The plot is beyond basic, the characters are caricatures. It’s really just a showcase for fun deaths. And on that level, it’s fine. I’ve certainly seen worse. But I am not even joking at briskly describing the plot as “people wander around a corn field until they’re all dead and then there’s Satan dancing in a graveyard”. There’s some all right acting here at least, and the movie is shot well enough. And even though it does feel a bit long, it IS only 69 minutes. Which I have to imagine was a deliberate choice. I wouldn’t say no to watching more of Valdes’ films. Two out of five pumpkins in the eye.

Entertainment Value: This is a bit more of a mixed bag. There is at least some fun to have here, with all the set pieces and gags. I just wish there was more of a plot to hang it all on. Still, a lot of the kills are very fun, I did get a few chuckles here and there, and some of the characters were enjoyable or entertaining, in both good and bad ways. But it’s lacking in characters I actually care about, and it could have used more of it’s scant running time to flesh them out some more, or the Satanists and their plot, or heck! Both! As it is, this movie falls into the camp of watching just to see what weird thing happens next, and it has the upside of being short, and delivering on some weird moments. Two out of five rolls of duct tape.