Hard Rock Nightmare (1988) — Triskaidekafiles

HARD ROCK NIGHTMARE

WRITER: Dominick Brascia

DIRECTOR: Dominick Brascia

STARRING: Martin Hansen as Jim
Gregory Joujon-Roche as Charlie
Annie Mikan as Tina
Lisa Guggenheim as Sally
Robert D. Peverley as Sammy
Bryan Kovacs as John
Tom Shell as Paul
Nikki McQueen as Connie
Gary Hays as Tim
Troy Donahue as Uncle Gary

QUICK CUT: A band heads out into the woods for some peace and quiet to practice for an upcoming gig, and help one of their bandmates work through his trauma.

THE MORGUE

Jim - A young man, in an indie rock band, who also just so happened to kill his grandfather when he was a child. He believes in vampires and werewolves, and he is about to make it everyone’s problem. A bit neurotic, understandably, but a good friend as long as no one is messing with his head.

Charlie - The lead singer of the band, and Jim’s best friend. He tries to keep things on track, but always gives Jim a chance to explain himself.

Tina - A groupie hanging with the band who is flirting with everyone, and very interested in Charlie. Also, a bit of a bitch.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! It's mid December, time for the metal/rock horror movie! This year's attempt to not do Black Roses, is Hard Rock Nightmare!

The movie opens up with the old man from Silent Night Deadly Night, but instead of telling a horror tale of Santa, he frightens his grandson with tales of werewolves and Satan.

Gramps claims he IS a werewolf, or maybe he's a vampire! But, young Jim doesn't know what those are, which makes it all the more surprising when he stakes gramps to stop his reign of terror. Of course, the old man ISN'T either of those things, and instead, the kid just straight up murders him.

Forget the scary stories, your face is enough to do me in.

We jump to the present of the late 1980s, as Jim wakes up from his nightmare. I won't quite go "it was all a dream!" here, because it's more of a flashback he was remembering, and does depict actual events.

He meets up with the rest of his band in his garage, to play us through the credits. The music isn't bad in this movie, since that's always one of the selling points for me in this sub sub sub genre, but I've heard better.

The cops agree with me, as they pull up in response to some noise complaints, and tell the kids to keep the music down.

Undeterred, Jimmy Cool realises he has the cabin in the woods from his grandparents, and that is a perfect, out of the way place for them to go.

So the band, along with a few groupies, pile into an RV and head off into the woods to get murdered.

Uncle Gary signs off on the idea, although he does shake his head like a good adult stereotype. His minion Dirk is there to get yelled at, too. Dirk is your none to bright right hand man who says dopey things.

They’re being followed by the band from Pod People.

Gary also expresses weird levels of concern for Jim and his well being. I guess one implication is that he staked his gramps and he might be a repeat offender, and another...well, I don't think it was intentional, but I picked up on vibes that JIM could be a hereditary werewolf.

I never thought I'd be describing a movie as Teen Wolf meets Pod People, but...here we are.

One of the groupies, Tina, is busy flirting with all the guys, and I am not even joking. She seems most interested in Charlie, but we see her with almost every member of the band, and we're still just on the drive to the cabin.

They drive so long that night falls, and they get some sleep. Jim has another nightmare, this time of riding in an empty RV while his gramps' floating head laughs maniacally in the fog.

Grandpa! Do you mind! I can't see to drive while you're gassy!!

Finally, the RV goes as far as it can, and they have to walk the rest of the way there through the woods, on what I can't even legally call a path. They are gonna run into Trumpy, I just know it.

This cabin is so far away, that night has fallen AGAIN by the time they arrive. This is one long ass trek.

But, finally they arrive and settle in and the band gets in some actual rehearsing, which means more padding out time with music!

This establishing shot establishes nothing, and I barely can figure out what I'm even looking at.

Finally, Tina has some alone time with Charlie, and he just comes right out and wants to know what she wants with him. She doesn't give much of an answer beyond "being your friend".

And uh, for a movie centred around Jim's nightmares, at Jim's house, and Jim's werewolf backstory...somehow Charlie is almost the main character??

Speaking of Jim, he plays another song for his girlfriend, Sally, and really? I know this is a band movie, but we're only thirty minutes in, and already played three songs of theirs? To be fair, it at least calms down after this, but it still feels like a lot.

The phone rings, late at night, and it's supposedly Jim's grandfather, threatening him, and telling him about the full moon. Awooooo.

Meanwhile, Tina is still going through the band trying to get closer to Charlie, but when Tim tries to get fresh with her, she rebukes his advances. He keeps pushing though, trying to get SOMEthing from her, even if it's just a handjob.

Forest werewolf is watching you masturbate.

Unfortunately, they are being watched by a werewolf. Is it gramps? Is it Jimmy? Only time will tell. Stay tuned for the shocking reveal!

Tim gets her name wrong in the throes of passion, Tina storms off angrily leaving him with blue balls, and telling him to drop dead.

And, well...the werewolf saunters down and smacks Tim's head clean off, so...WISH GRANTED!

Looks like we’re gonna need another Timmy!

Tina runs into Jim, and they go rushing towards the scream to see what happened. They find the dead body, and Jim calls everyone by banging on a triangle outside. Fucking...he's a musician, and he can't even play a triangle.

Everyone rushes out, they too see the body, and someone asks, who's dead?? The person they're with says they don't know, he's missing a head. Well, do a head count and see who's missing! ...sorry.

Jim tries to explain what happened, about his grandfather the wolf, and that goes over...probably better than you would expect, but still not very well.

You don't GET IT! You're WASTING COFFEE!

They try to brush Tim's death off as an accident and...excuse me? Did he just happen to FALL and slice off his whole ass head?? Sure, Jan.

Jim convinces everyone to at least hear him out, in a calm, rational manner. At least then he'll have warned them, and what they do with the information, well...

The crew naturally treats Jim like the boy who cried werewolf, because that's the normal, rational response to such claims. They aren't really worried about mythical creatures, but "if it was a guy in a hockey mask, THEN I'd be scared!" I see what you did there.

Once Jim sulks off after that rousing lack of support, the rest of the band and friends try and come up with a plan of action.

Tina doesn't want to stay alone with Jim, since he might be not in his right mind so Charlie will stay to keep an eye on the girls. Paul and John head to the ranger station, while Connie and Sammy decide to go for the RV where there's a CB radio, to try and call for help.

Before they get to the RV though, those two stop to smoke some pot and go skinny dipping, so they are nicely baked when the werewolf shows up.

They are so wasted, they mistake the werewolf, walking on hind legs, for a lost dog. Connie takes pity on the poor thing, and goes to offer it some chocolate since it's probably hungry.

WAIT CONNIE NO!

The werewoof makes short work of Connie, and Sammy isn't far behind. Probably the easiest kills ever, they're so wasted.

Meanwhile, Charlie and Tina finally hook up, when he finds out she is working for her cousin's rock magazine, and she thinks the band is good, but Charlie is better. She wants to write an article about him, and help him get connected.

And all it will cost him IS HIS SOOOOUL...wait, no, wrong movie. She wants to fuck him.

Smash cut to Charlie finishing quickly, and Tina VERY unsatisfied. Don't quit your day job, Charlie, because you suck in the sack.

Jim has another nightmare, his bandmates walking ‘round in women's underwear, saying they're now the Hot Chicks instead of the Bad Boys, and the women wearing the boys' underthings. They have breakfast, and even Tim shows up on the platter, before he throws up all over Jim, waking him up.

Finally we get back to Paul and John, who are finally reaching the ranger station, and they are killing time with some idle chatter. They make fun of the Friday the 13th music, moments before a reasonable legally distinct knock off plays, and it's kinda great.

Paul goes down to the nearby lake to see if there's any cabins there they can hit up for help, while John enters the ranger station. More like...danger station, as the werewoof shows up to take out the band's drummer.

Fortunately, he was on the walkie talkie to the guys back at the cabin, and Charlie rushes out to try and at least save Paul, who is now on the run.

Paul hides behind a tree, but finds the wolf sitting in the branches above him, before pouncing down and finishing him off faster than you can play a Beatles record backwards.

Jim returns to the plot from the basement, with an old rifle of his grandfather's. He shoots a lamp to make sure it works, and surely that is something he could have done outside??

He asks the girls for some silver, and sets about making some silver bul...wait wait, where the hell did they even get the tools to do this??

Charlie finds Paul, who with his dying breath confirms it was a werewoof, and tells Charlie to get back to the house.

As he runs through the forest, he trips and lands right in the arms of the werewoof, and they get into a fight.

Jim and Sally go looking for the werewoof once they have inexplicably forged their silver bullets, and stop at a well to get some water. A well that just so happens to be where Tina is hiding. Not...the worst plan I've seen.

Once they're gone, Tina is covered in gasoline, and we see some very unlupine hands lighting a match and setting the girl on fire.

And okay, yes, she's covered in gasoline but like...you're in a well? Duck down into the water? Yes, you'll have to hold your breath, yes you'll have to wait for the gas to burn off, and some other issues, but it would at least solve the IMMEDIATE problem, giving you a few more seconds to deal with the next problem.

The other two catch up with Charlie, who is shockingly not dead. He got in a few licks, and the werewolf ran off.

Jim finds a hunk of fur and discovers...werewolves are not real. It's fake fur, sewn into a costume, and even with a made in Hong Kong tag. So it's just some guy in a wolf costume.

So...he melted down that picture frame for nothing??

They gang comes up with a plan, and send Sally out as bait to lure in the fraudwolf, but unfortunately he finds Charlie first.

Before the wolf can strike those two down though, Jim shows up with the rifle and puts the guy down like he's Old Yeller.

They peel off the costume, and declare, "It's Dirk!" And lemme tell ya, my first time through I shouted, "WHO THE FUCK IS DIRK?!" which is why I *very specifically* pointed him out for the two lines he had 80 minutes ago.

Not as cool as the paw blades in Girls Nite Out

Which is when Uncle Gary shows up to explain the plot to everyone; see, he knows there's oil on the land, and if he can either make everyone think Jim is crazy, or he dies, he can claim the land for himself, and sell it, for much profit.

Fucking...Scooby Doo ass plot right here.

Charlie falls to his knees, sobbing, begging for his life, and when a very confused and concerned uncle Gary comes close, Jim sucker punches him right in the dick.

Jim takes his moment of distraction, gets the rifle, and kills his uncle. And he would've gotten away with it, if not for these pesky kids!

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: Looks pretty good, definitely in the better than you’d expect an obscure 80s movie like this.

Audio: Perfectly average.

Sound Bite: “How can a wolf light a match?!"

Body Count: Lotsa bodies to go around, and a nice amount of death.

1 - Two minutes or so, and gramps is getting staked for telling tall tales.
2 - Tim gets his head removed
3 - The werewolf slashes up Connie next.
4 - Sammy gets shredded next
5 - The wolf gets John next.
6 - And then it gets Paul
7 - Someone sets Tina on fire.
8 - The kids shoot...Drik?
9 - Jim shoots his uncle Gary

Best Corpse: Tim losing his head is probably the best of the bunch. Tina tickles my inner firebug, but it’s a kinda cheap effect, and we don’t see anything.

Blood Type - C+: Some good blood here and there, but nothing too spectacular. The werewolf looks decent enough, and they even found a way to make it okay to think it looks like a cheap costume!

Sex Appeal: Tina shows some boobs before she gets sorely disappointed.

Drink Up! Every time someone doesn’t believe Jim.

Movie Review: This wasn’t too bad. It was better than I expected. Some of these rocksploitation movies have set the bar pretty low, so when a movie comes along and clears them, I’m pleased. But even then, this movie succeeds more than that makes it sound. It’s got solid production values, acting, and is fairly well made. It isd leaps and bounds ahead of quality than a lot of other movies we talk about here. And the plot is fairly unique, even if it is one giant Scooby Doo fake out. My biggest quibble is how things seem to center more on Charlie than Jim. But for a well made, unique slasher werewolf but not quite movie, I’ll give this one three out of four cops.

Entertainment Value: Tina is such a highlight in this. She is unashamed of who she is, she’s a real go getter, and once she finally bangs Charlie, that reveal and turn of her character is great. There are some bizarre moments here, by choice more than happenstance, such as killing your grandfather because he says he’s a werewolf, not quite having a main character, and all the weird dreams. The movie feels a bit messy, and you never quite know what’s coming next, and yet somehow it pulls it off. Three out of five RVs.