Don't Let the Riverbeast Get You! (2012)

DON’T LET THE RIVERBEAST GET YOU

WRITERS: Matt Farley and Charles Roxburgh

DIRECTOR: Charles Roxburgh

STARRING: Matt Farley as Neil Stuart
Kevin McGee as Frank Stone
Sharon Scalzo as Allie Stone
Elizabeth Peterson as Emmaline Price
Jim McHugh as Officer Paultique Hanson
Joanie Greenan as Godmother Peggy
Jim Farley as Ito Hootkins
Kyle & Tina Kochan as Sparky Watts and Connie
Bryan Fortin as Troy Kiel
Millhouse G. as Milly Jensen
Tiffany L'Heureux as Pamela
Tom Scalzo as Teddy Hollingsworth

QUICK CUT: A young man returns home to reconnect with his estranged friends and family.

THE MORGUE

Neil - The greatest tutor Rivertown has ever known, but when Neil saw the Riverbeast, and no one believed him, his reputation plummeted until he left town in disgrace. Smart, charming, determined, and just the best friend you could ever have.

Emmaline - Neil’s ex fiance, who let’s be honest, still carries a torch for him though. She has no time or patience for Riverbeast nonsense, and that’s largely why she broke up with Neil the first time.

Allie - A smart, but easily distracted student. She needs focus and challenges to drive her and keep her grounded, or else Allie is likely to get up to trouble. Neil’s tutoring is exactly the right influence she needs.

Frank - Allie’s father, and a former athlete. He’s a hard man who demands a lot from his kids, and he has set a timeline for Allie to straighten up, or he’s gonna just ship her off to the workforce.

Sparky Watts - The sleazy reporter who is the main architect for ruining Neil’s legacy, with endless stories about the fool looking for the Riverbeast. He’ll do anything to continue to ruin Neil, and make his reputation even worse.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! Around this time of year, we've taken to watching some sort of odd creature feature, thanks to the review of Winterbeast years ago, and for this year's take, winter has thawed and now we have to remember, Don't Let the Riverbeast Get You!

The movie opens up with a warning about the movie's content, but don't worry! The creators have kindly including a Riverbeast warning system; when the screen flashes red, the Riverbeast is about to appear, and you have plenty of time to react accordingly.

But then the movie ACTUALLY gets started, with some narration as we meet our main characters, musing on everyone's potential for heroism. Having watched the movie a few times now, I see the symbolism they're setting up.

Finally, some actual dialogue occurs as we are introduced to Allie, a young, pretty, and rebellious student. She's off on her way to sunbathe down at the river with a friend. She runs into Professor Matthews along the way, and tells him her plans, before heading into the woods.

But! This is all a ruse by Allie, a trap to lure that deviant Professor Matthews down to the river, so they can catch him perving on them.

And it works! As the girls head off with their evidence, Matthews slips out of the tree he's in, and will spend the rest of the movie with a broken leg.

But before we can process all that, oh no! The screen flashes red! The Riverbeast must be nearby!

Indeed he is, as he crawls up out of the Merrimack River, to introduce him to the movie.

Then we meet Neil, who is being asked to come back to town, for his godcousin's wedding, and to set his best friend back on the right path.

Neil exiled himself from town, after he saw the Riverbeast, and tried to warn the town. However, no evidence was ever found, and he became a pariah. He lost his job, his fiance left him at the altar, everyone looked at him different. So, rather than be a laughingstock the rest of his life, Neil left. And now, the prodigal son returns...

Meanwhile, Allie is receiving her punishment for what she did. Yes. Matthews is a perv, and will be dealt with, but she was warned about her behaviour, and is expelled from the school. This is not her first time.

Then, Neil arrives into town, and starts meeting all his old friends. Including his ex fiance. While he tries to help her with her groceries, her current fiance shows up and mistakes Neil for a filthy vagabond. Danny instantly establishes himself as a grade A jerk, when he punches Neil in the gut.

This is going about as well as could be expected.

Finally, Neil makes it to his Godmother Peggy's home, and settles up the back rent Teddy owes her. He heads into the basement to see how his old friend is doing, and the pair get into the sort of fight only best friends can.

Once they calm down and get it all out of their systems, the two catch up, and Teddy agrees to go back to playing music, But only as long as Neil resumes his tutoring career, because he's the best dang tutor this town has ever seen!

This is somehow almost like the plot of a Hallmark movie. Estranged person returns to their rural town, tries to find their place in it, and reconnects with their old sweetheart, trying to win them back.

On his way to his next tutoring gig, Neil runs into a reporter, Sparky Watts. And it turns out, he's the guy who wrote all the bad things about Neil, and is almost single-handedly responsible for ruining his reputation the whole town over.

Neil meets up with his friends, fellow tutors, and former bandmates, Milly and Troy. They have a job for Neil, tutoring Allie. I appreciate already tying plots together. Also, I love how deathly seriously this movie takes tutoring as a profession.

He arrives at Allie's home, and meets her father, Frank Stone. A former athlete, who has already heard about Neil's temper, thanks to Sparky already getting hard at work on the smear campaign.

Neil meets Allie at the pool, and she has her usual whatever attitude, but Neil sets her straight, tells her to get changed to something more appropriate, and her days of flailing about her over! This is actually just what Allie needs, and she hurries to comply with her new tutor.

Neil finishes up today's session and heads home, just as the screen flashes red, and the Riverbeast pokes his head back in!

Wait, what, did I got something on my face? Did I get it…no?

Neil heads to Emmaline's home to read her a love poem to try and win her back, but Danny and his son from another marriage pour water on his head. A real peach that guy.

As he sulks away, Neil tosses the love poem to the ground. Fortunately, Allie followed him, and retrieves it. She plays matchmaker the next day, and has set up a meeting between the two former lovebirds, so they can be alone, and give Neil another chance

Meanwhile, Teddy is sitting in the park playing his guitar for tips, and drawing a small crowd. Amongst them is Pamela, a young dancer who pops and locks her way into Teddy's heart, as well as help give the crowd some more encouragement to support the arts.

People keep calling Neil "RB", and Allie finally asks him what that's all about. RB is actually a nickname given to him by Sparky Watts, and RB is also short for Riverbeast, so the humiliation of constantly being called RB was another factor in driving neil away.

Great, and now I have a hankering for Arby's.

However, Neil heads out to the lookout point, and Emmaline never shows up. She was running late, and they just miss each other. This mishap sends Neil to contact Ito Hootkins, the renowned hunter, to find the Riverbeast once and for all.

Good, because he sure ain't been in this movie a whole lot, and he needs to get his ass in here!

Reading all these words about the movie, really does little to convey the style of this film. Every line of dialogue is delivered with such precision and earnestness, and I love it. I wish y'all could hear the constant delighted giggles I make watching this movie.

But anyways, back with Teddy and Pamela, he is professing how much he hopes she never leaves. This makes her get all squirrely and sweaty, so she changes the subject by throwing kitty in the air to deal with the sweat. Because, you see, kitty litter is the most versatile product on Earth, as Pamela expounds upon in great detail.

Later, during another tutoring session, Professor Matthews shows up to cause trouble. He gets in Neil's face, and the two scuffle. Eventually, Neil and Allie wander off, and the deviant calls the cops, to file assault charges on Neil.

To get to the police station, Matthews has to head through the woods, where a double red flash warns us that the Riverbeast is about to get someone!

Excuse me, professor? Can I talk to you about getting some extra credit?

Emmaline finally catches up with Neil and explains what happened, and just as things are looking great, someone else recognises Neil from the paper. Emmaline sees it, that he's working with ito Hootkins, and still obsessed over the Riverbeast. It's what drove a wedge between them before, and now it's happening all over again.

She decides that Neil is too unstable, and declares she will be marrying Danny as planned, and becoming a mother to his son from another marriage.

Neil decides to give Sparky Watts a piece of his mind, but has to leave a threatening message when he's not in the office. I'm sure that won't come back to bite him.

Finally, the day of Cynthia's wedding comes, and her new husband refuses to pay the band. Fortunately, Neil's old band can fulfill their narrative arc by getting back together to save the day.

Later that night, Teddy wakes up in a fright, and discovers that Pamela has given in to her vagabond ways, and disappeared into the night, following the call of her nomadic feet.

The newly married couple are driving off to their honeymoon, when Phillipe needs his wife to pull over, so he can use the woods. He heads deep deep DEEEP into the woods, so he doesn't get caught for indecent exposure. Unfortunately, the Riverbeast puts on the red lights to tell you what's coming/

Sir? Excuse me, sir? Do you know the way back to the highway? I seem to be lost.

Meanwhile, Emmaline is having a picnic with her soon to be husband and his son from another marriage. Danny makes fun of Neil a bit more, and she decides to head home.

She asks if the boys are coming, but Danny says nah, they'll just take a walk back through the woods.

And let me tell you, the timing of "We'll walk home through the woods" and *immediately* the screen flashes red twice is... chef's kiss, perfect.

Rraaa...wait. Oh my god. Danny? DANNY is that YOU??

The Riverbeast gets Danny, and his son from another marriage rushes off, but trips, hitting his head. Later, Emmaline calls the police to report them as missing.

Sparky and his Janey Olsen head out into the woods to try and be the ones to find the missing child, and instead find the Riverbeast instead.

And faster than Santa Claus seeing talking M&Ms, Sparky blurts out that, it DOES exist! Who's the fool now, Sparky??

Neil shows up at the Stone's house for Allie's tutoring, but Frank grabs the man, and calls the cops, believing Neil to be responsible for all the disappearances. Not an unreasonable assumption.

Allie shows up to visit Neil in jail, and tell him she thinks she did great on her aptitude test. She's also determined to find the Riverbeast and clear Neil's name. He sees he can't stop her, so urges her to go find Troy to help and protect her on her quest.

Those two find Hootkins in the woods, and Allie shames him into coming with them. Again, it's delivered with such earnestness, that even though it's sudden, you buy into it.

Surprisingly, the trio actually find the Riverbeast. Hootkins sneaks up close to get pictures, but is no match for the creature once it sees him.

The other two realise they need to get the camera, and Troy sacrifices himself for his friend, to distract the Riverbeast so Allie can escape with the camera.

Fortunately, Danny's son from another marriage finally stumbles home, and tells everyone about the Riverbeast. The cops have no choice, but to let Neil go.

Do not speak to me or my Riverbeast son ever again.

Neil returns home, and encounters Teddy, who has not heard the news. He believes Neil killed all those people, and Pamela, not realising she just got that ol’ wanderlust.. Once he hears the truth, those two and Neil's other tutor friend march off into the woods for the climactic battle.

The screen flashes, and the Riverbeast arrives, slap fighting with Neil. Allie shows up, and Neil directs her out of the woods, and sends her to get her dad. The other guys pile on the Riverbeast to help Neil while they wait for backup.

During the fight, Neil sees the Riverbeast pause and splash some water on itself, and he gets an idea. When Frank shows up, he and the Riverbeast get into a fight, until he takes a fatal blow.

While Frank and the Riverbeast tussle, Neil watches from the ground, and finds a baggie of kitty litter in his pocket, that Pamela and given him earlier.

The kitty litter does its trick, and helps dry out the Riverbeast, causing it to shrivel up into a ball and dies.

We wrap up a year later, with Neil exonerated, and the heroes are being honoured for their victory and sacrifices. Neil also announces he will be marrying Emmaline, and they will be raising Danny's son from another marriage. Also, they have made a statue of Frank the former athlete, to be placed on the athletic fields to inspire future athletes in their athletic pursuits.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It looks pretty good. It’s a new movie, on new formats, so no complaints.

Sound: Same here

Sound Bite: “My last instructor was an indecorous deviant who tried to see me and my friends disrobing. I like this whole dress code thing!"

Body Count: For such a fearsome beast as the Riverbeast’s reputation would imply, he only kills a handful of large handful of people.

1 - 50 minutes in, and the Riverbeast beats that deviant professor Matthews with his own crutch.
2 - The Riverbeast gets Phillipe
3 - Danny is the Riverbeast's next meal
4 and 5 - The Riverbeast gets Sparky and his assistant
6 - Ito Hootkins is the next to get got by the Riverbeas
7 - Troy sacrifices himself so the Riverbeast doesn't get Allie
8 - The Riverbeast gets professional athlete Frank Stone
9 - Neil uses kitty litter to stop the Riverbeast, once and for all.

Best Corpse: Sparky, for no other reason than he deserves it the most.

Blood Type - B-: Not a whole lotta blood, but it’s not bloodless. And that Riverbeast design is so unique and memorable.

Drink Up! Every time Neil drinks some chocolate milk. Join him!

Movie Review: I kinda spoiled it a time or two in the main rundown, but it should be no surprise that I adore this movie. It is definitely not going to be for everyone. The tone is a heightened reality. It’s quirky. It has a very particular sensibility to it, that just isn’t gonna land for some people. But…I adore it. It’s charming, it’s sweet, it knows what it’s homaging, and they’re having fun. I can’t be too critical of it, because while there are flaws, both creatively and plotwise, the movie is one of those that is a little bit knowingly silly, so they’re not taking it entirely seriously, although you can tell they are quite serious about the craft itself. This is the product they wanted to make, more or less, and it’s tongue is planted firmly in cheek. Most of those flaws are there, I am sure, because they are meant to be. You gotta meet this movie where it is, and just go along for a fun, charming, delightful ride. Four out of five picnic babes.

Entertainment Value: If anything, the movie almost plays itself TOO straight. If anyone has a problem with this movie, it’s probably going to be the tone. It FEELS like the movie doesn’t know what tone it wants, but once you key into the movie’s style, it all kinda makes sense. The performances are all delightfully quirky, but sincere. The dialogue is so precise, yet over the top at times. And the Riverbeast himself is such a treat. I could never cover my eyes up and hide from him. I’ve been a fan of Matt Farley, Charles Roxburgh, and Motern Media for awhile now, and odds are, you’ve encountered SOME of their work before, you just don’t know it. Everything from them has this odd quality to it, that is just my kind of thing, and just a lot of fun. I look forward to seeing more from them in the future. Four out of five bags of kitty litter.