Blood Freak (2020) — Triskaidekafiles

BLOOD FREAK

WRITER: Daniel Boyd

DIRECTORS: Daniel Boyd and Tim Gross

STARRING: Chuck Connors as Herschel

Ashleigh Schimmel as Ann

Shana Connors as Angel

Charlie Flemming as Pops

Jamie Gregory as Jaboog

Steve Morris as Lenny

Tom Yotkers as Gene

Tim Gross as Narrator

QUICK CUT: A young man rolls into town, and learns the ways of Jesus, love, drugs, and turkey.

THE MORGUE

Herschel - There’s not much to say about Herschel, who did not exist before this movie. He has no personality, no backstory, but he loves Jesus, Ann, and the devil’s lettuce.

Ann - A pothead, drug addict, and all around bad girl. She wants Herschel just because he’s a square and dares to reject him.

Angel - Ann’s sister, and she’s as close to God as she is to the devil.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! Time for some Thanksgiving leftovers, and this is some reheated turkey remake, with a 2021 version of Blood Freak! I reviewed the original Christian antidrug propoganda movie with a killer wereturkey as like...my third review ever. So, it's good to revisit it with a new version, 13 years later. Also, the original was released 50 years ago, in 1972! Let's dive in!

This movie, being a remake, hits a LOT of the same beats as the first one, and it starts right off with the weird dude preaching to us about God in a weird room, that has nothing to do with the rest of the movie.

At least the original dude had swanky wood paneling, version 2 just gets a blanket for a wall.

Director Preacherman tells us that Jesus never did no drugs, God denies making it, and the devil said, "Shut up God, this is fucking happening!" I'm pretty sure that's not in the bible! But yeah, you start to get an idea what kind of movie this is.

ANYways, this leads to the introduction of Herschel, who 'loves Jesus and hates weed,' and we drive into the credits, following Herschel on his bike.

Herschel comes upon Angel, whose car has broken down, so he pulls over out of the kindness of his heart, to help her.

She thanks Jesus for sending such a kind soul, and not the usual ruffian, to lend her a hand. Herschel is shocked, and has zero idea who Jesus is.

I found him, I did it, I have found the MCU's Wolverine.

Herschel has NEVER heard of Jesus, and also says he doesn't remember anything from before he started riding his bike.

So he checks out the car, says there's nothing to do but let it burn and lie to the insurance company to get some money for it. Amy is against that plan, since it goes against the teachings of Jesus. Herschel says that Jesus sounds like a real out there kinda guy.

I dunno, Jesus sounds like a fuckin' loser to me.

Herschel says he's not sure about this Jesus fella yet, and will just have to see where the script leads. Oooh. This is THAT kinda movie. Yeah, Herschel makes MANY jokes about not remembering anything before the movie started, he is the most self-awarely unaware guy I've ever seen.

So, he offers Angel a ride on his motorcycle, and takes her sister Anne is, just up the road a piece. And as they drive off, Director Preacherman does a line or two of coke before posing the important question; weed or Jesus. Can I take a secret, third thing?

By the time they reach Ann's place, Herschel has seen Jesus' face, and now he's a beleiver. And he won't let Angel go into the den of scum and villainy that he discovers Ann to be living in?

Inside, they find so many drugs. All the drugs. Everywhere. And also Ann. Naturally, she's having too much fun to want to go with her stick in the mud sister, and her cipher boyfriend.

Oh wow, they got the Tony Montana bowl of coke.

Ann wants to know where Angel found someone like Herschel, and he explains he's a newbie to Jesus fandom, before that he was just driving aimlessly, no direction, no backstory...

She tries to put the moves on Herschel, but he's not down with banging teenagers, so thank the phoenix for that, at least.

This failure to worship at the altar of Ann, will lead her to seek revenge, get some nasty, addictive weed from one of the other potheads, that will addict Herschel with just one hit of the marijuana.

But that still leaves the problem of getting straight laced Herschel to actually smoke the pot. Fortunately, Ann has plenty of feminine wiles to lure him to his doom.

This show sucks, let’s go watch the dryer instead.

While she plots, it's back to Preacher Directorman passing on some more deep thoughts, and smoking some crack.

I will say this about these scenes, they are WAY more entertaining than in the first flick. From the escalating drug use, to the platitudes, to the flatly ridiculous way in which he says things. Fun times.

So the next day, Herschel is cleaning the pool at Pothead Palace, and uh, is he just staying here? Don't he and Angel have somewhere to go? Are they just not moving until Ann comes with them??

Boy, I say, boy! Don't go makin' out with that girl!

Anyways, Ann lights up and offers Herschel a toke. He naturally says no...until she calls him a chicken. Oh no. He has McFly syndrome. And c'mon lady, he's a TURKEY.

So yeah, she calls him chicken, he flies off the handle, and shoves that joint straight in his mouth. Well...that was, uh, easy.

And now that he's all hooked up on the weed, Herschel has no problem banging Ann, and..loooool did they use distorted footage from the original??

They wake up the next day when Ann and Angel's dad barges in, discovers the pair in bed, who is down with all that, so long as Herschel's a Christian. Yeah, that sounds about right for religious hypocrisy.

Oh, he also offers Herschel a job at the family turkey farm.

So, Herschel makes his way down to the farm to meet the scientists in charge there, and start doing his chores.

And they DEFinitely use chicken footage from the original movie.

Pops explains to Larry and Gene that he has a new hire, a simple minded feeb with no family or backstory.

The 'scientists' ask Herschel what he's willing to do for extra money, he thinks they're making a pass at him, and he declines. They explain that nono, like, experiments! But again, he declines, but he's not like, addicted to weed or anything!

Five minutes later, Herschel is addicted to weed, craving his next fix, and says he'll do whatever they want. Even butt stuff!

Very important science wo...THEY TAPED A PIECE OF PAPER FOR THE SCREEN.

The scienticians agree to help Herschel out with money for his drugs, he just has to eat their enhanced turkey meat, and see how things go. I'm sure it'll be fine!

Herschel goes to town on the turkey, just devouring nearly the entire thing, to the point he might choke on a bone.

But eventually everything in his body interacts with everything else, he stumbles out the door, and passes out on a haystack.

The scienticians discover the body, believe him to be dead, and don't check at all. They do an even worse job of hiding the body than they do making sure he's dead, when they drag him five feet, and drop a few handfuls of hay to 'cover' him up.

Meanwhile, Ann and Angel are worried that the man they met two days ago has completely disappeared, but Pops reassures them that he probably was murdered by the horde of mutant turkeys that live in the caves in the woods, and have been plotting against their family for years.

...Can we go watch that movie?

But anyways, Herschel is Not Really Dead, and instead mutating into a wereturkey, with the head of a giant, papier mache head of a turkey atop his shoulders.

I’m coming for you next, Oscar the Grouch!

He finds the scientists who so rudely put hay on his face, murders them, and at last, the mutant turkey mayhem can begin.

Ann is feeling remorse for completely ruining Herschel's life, and heads to the local drug dealer she got the shit from, Jaboog, and he makes it clear that weed is addictive.

While she heads up to Jaboog's bed to rest, Jaboog's boss comes looking for his money. Before too much violence can occur, Jaboog offers Ann to the drug dealer of drug dealers as compensation.

But Herschel's turkey sense was tingling, and he shows up to save the day, beats up and murders Jaboog, and then drags Bud down to the garage. And YESSSSS they recreated the leg slicing scene from the original!

In Soviet Russia, turkey has YOU for Thanksgiving dinner!

Ann shows up, and declares that only the powers of love and Jesus can save the turkeyman now. She takes him back home, their friends gather, and perform borderline cult rituals to undo what has been done with him.

So, y'know, still pretty on brand for Catholicism to be doing borderline cult shit.

The new day dawns, Herschel wakes up, restored, and well...at least the Blood Fremake avoids the IT WAS ALL A DREAM borderline ending of the first one. So there's...that?

And you were there, and you were there, and you...you I've never seen before in my life.

We get some unnecessary violence against women, and Ann declares that she has seen the error of her ways, and that weed is of the devil.

Everyone has a good laugh, the movie isn't quite over, and we get one last scene of the Preacher Directorman, as he ODs in front of us.

And finally, we see Ann in a wedding dress getting on Herschel's bike, about to ride off into their happily ever after, until he pulls off his helmet and reveals he is once more a turkeyman. So, I guess THAT is a dream?

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It overall looks fine, but I had to tweak a bit to get it working right. For SOME reason, my DVD plaus in a squooshed video. The normal, widescreen presentation, is instead merely in 4:3 or thereabouts. I don’t know if something went wrong with my disc, or at the factory, or they’re ALL like this. With the right player, you can tweak the right settings, and since these are all pressed at home by a small business, I’m not gonna mark this against them, but it is something to be aware of.

Audio: Sounds fine, and thankfully not squished!

Sound Bite: There was a shocking amount of good lines in this movie, but I’ll leave you with these two:
"Sometimes you meet the devil in the form of pussy"

"This is the opposite of everything you told me about heaven! I want to call it Hell! ...Or Cleveland!"

Body Count: An all right amount, but fairly unremarkable.

1 - A whopping 50 minutes in, and the Doctor's head gets squished

2 - ...against the head of his assistant Lenny.

3 - Fast Eddie gets crunched against the tree

4 - Enid probably dies soon after.

5 - Herschel murders the drug dealer

6 - Bud gets hacked up.

7 - The narrator kicks it

Best Corpse: Bud getting hacked up is a great moment.

Blood Type - C: There’s some good stuff here, some nice gushes, but nothing too bad.

Drink Up! Every time Herschel mentions his lack of backstory.

Movie Review: Huh, this was…surprising? I mean, it’s about as dumb as the original, but somehow ends up a little better, or at least a bit more coherent. Being a more humourous version certainly helps it in that regard, but also when you make a movie but just with more jokes, it does feel like an odd decision. The acting is all right, but they do the most annoying thing, cutting within a scene, but the camera doesn’t move, so you just know it’s to splice two takes together, and that bugs me. I’d put it at about a three, since it manages to be well made enough, and its tongue is firmly planted in cheek, so the bad stuff is mostly on purpose.

Entertainment Value: Like I said, it’s a shockingly funny movie. The running “in the script” type gags, the silly jokes, and still not changing the plot at all…it somehow works. It’s not as baffling as the original, because while all the odd stuff is still here, they play it all for laughs, when they were earnest in the original. But it’s not quite as head scratchingly baffling as the original Christian propaganda anti drug 70s wereturkey movie. But still quite enjoyable. Probably more! But still weird. Three out of five severed legs.