The Necro Files (1997) — Triskaidekafiles

THE NECRO FILES

WRITERS: Todd Tjersland and Sammy Shapiro

DIRECTOR: Matt Jaissle

STARRING: Isaac Cooper as Logan/Zombie Sex Fiend

Steven Sheppard as Detective Martin Manners

Gary Browning as Detective Orville Sloane

QUICK CUT: A killer is taken out by the cops, but his effects on the community reverberate throughout the community, even to killer’s soon to be born child.

THE MORGUE

Logan - A rapist, a murderer, a cannibal. A real peach.

Detective Manners - One of the detectives chasing Logan, and after a head injury, his personality changes for the worse.

Detective Sloane - Manners’ partner, whose sister was attacked and killed by Logan. He’s arguably the voice of reason despite that, although that’s a pretty slim line.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Eh fuck it, I can't quit you. Yeah, I'm back, after a mere 24 hours in the grave. Now, here's the story... Back around the time of the 300th review, I decided I was going to wrap things up once this had gone for 13 years, it was approproate It was time. But in the intervening 130 reviews (hah) I...had a lot of fun. It rekindled a lot of my love for doing this, even though that never wholly went away. And I just...genuinely love sharing these bullshit movies with everyone. And what better movie to make my triumphant rise from the grave than...The Necro Files! Let's kick off the next 13 years, Triskelions.

And pretty much the very first scene in the movie is nudity in the shower. This movie is wasting no time at all.

But she is not alone, as the camera pans way up to a skylight, where we see someone in a mask spying down upon her.

Once she's done, she hears noises and gets rightly paranoid. She locks her doors, but its already too late, and she knows it. The woman calls the cops, but finds the cord to her phone is missing.

But don't worry, your new house guest has found it, and his Hush lookin’ ass gives you a good long look at it when he wraps it around your throat!

Once she is unconscious, he handcuffs her to the fridge, and then proceeds to rape her, and stab her, so there is a LOT of penetration going on here.

These weight loss plans get more ridiculous every year.

While he has his way with his victim, we cut to the two detectives on the case, Sloane and Manners. They're bullshitting in their car when the call comes in for a suspect matching the serial rapist's description, and they head out.

Oh, and Sloane's sister was also one of his many victims, so yeah, this is personal for him. And another detail, Logan, as we learn that is his name shortly, left one survivor whom he got pregnant. This will be a plot point, but we’ll get there.

Meanwhile, Logan is committing more acts of depravity on his latest victim, like slicing off and eating her nipples.

I prefer mine cooked in olive oil and rosemary, but you do you.

He then immediately throws it up, and SEE! That is why you cook them first!!

Manners finds the mutilated body, but Logan gets the drop on him, smashing a bottle over his head. This will lead to brain damage for the rest of the film.

Sloane shows up and handcuffs the perp, but when Manners wakes up, he goes apeshit and ends up going all vigilante justice. So he empties his gun into the rapist's chest. I uh, yeah, I'm gonna let this one slide.

Whew, well, bad guy's dead, so that's another short movie for...aww not again! WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME??

That’s the day the Satanists have their picnic!

We cut to nine months later, with a bunch of robed figures wandering through a cemetery, and they are on a mission.

They find Logan's grave, and I am shocked they let this guy have a marked grave, in a regular cemetery, but here we are.

So the lead Satanist chants, pulls out a baby...well, a doll, but it's SUPPOSED to be the child of Logan that was alluded to earlier. He then murders the kid so Logan can rise back to the world of the living, and so they can be favoured sons of Satan once more.

Should I mention we get to watch the cult leader whip out his dick and piss on the grave and the baby corpse, as part of the ritual? Yeah, this movie is...weird. And this is just the beginning.

To my surprise, this actually works, and Logan's remains burst out of the grave screaming, and the Satanists are kinda surprised too.

Logan tears through the leader and several others, while Barney and Jack make their escape to cult another day.

While Logan has his first real meal in months, we catch back up with Sloane and Manners, and lemme tell ya, Manners is not taking that head injury too well. He has gone totally around the bend, yelling about criminals being scumbags, and is obsessed and violent. I mean...more than a normal cop. No, really.

The next day, Jack and Barney are holed up in a motel, wondering what to do, how do you stop a crazed rapist murderous cannibal zombie? But don't worry, they find a spell they can cast to call up ANOTHER demon to take clean up there mess!

Oh there is totally no way this can go wrong.

We get some lengthy setup with a couple practising BDSM, which is like a siren call to Logan, who comes running and... Well I have now seen a MASSIVE ZOMBIE DICK rise to attention. Check that off my list, I guess.

Logan tears out the heart or whatever of the dom, and then proceeds to do what he does best on the sub. I hate that I have now seen this with my two eyes.

Our goofball cultists head back to the cemetery, returning to the scene of the crime, and perform their second dark ritual in as many days.

But nothing more rises out of the dirt, and they leave, assuming they have failed and will have to deal with a zombie rapist in short order. We check in briefly as the cops check out the last crime scene, and find it eerily similar to Logan's.

Have you recovered from Logan's last attack? Well buckle up kiddies, he finds another couple in the woods, and rapes and kills them too!

But then we're back to the cemetery, where we discover that the cultists' second spell was not as ineffective as they feared. And my readers, you are not gonna believe what crawls out of the ground to enact their revenge.

AND IT'S FLYING. *screeches with delight*

AND IT'S SAYING MUST PUNISH INFIDELS IN A CREEPY DISTORTED BABY VOICE. THIS WAS SO WORTH IT BAHAHAHA

Ahem. The cultists make their way back to their storage unit Satanic altar, and pray to Jesus to send them help. They repent their sins and they were just followers!

They hear a noise, and Jack NOPES his way out, he's going to the cops, he's not gonna sit there and wait for something evil to kill them. Unfortunately, when he rolls up the door to leave, something evil floats in to kill them.

After Zombaby kills one of the cultists, the other plays some baby baseball, smacks the thing with a bat, and runs off into the night.

Our detectives find Jack wandering the roads in the middle of nowhere (Which makes me question a lot of the geography of this movie, but whatever), and in his now permanent state of cop rage, Manners beats the guy to death.

Meanwhile, Logan is shambling down city streets and...can you just imagine trying to film a guy in a suit and zombie make up, with something like a foot long dick hanging out?? Sidenote: This was addressed in the special features, and no one noticed.

Elsewhere, a woman fondling a blowup doll gets her activities interrupted by, you guessed it, Logan.

And because this movie is NOT WEIRD ENOUGH ALREADY, Logan falls in love (?) with the blow up doll (??) and takes her away from all this. (???)

So while the rapist murderer cannibal necrophilliac zombie is frolicking in the woods with his one true love the blow up doll, the flying reanimated corpse of his baby arrives and sees daddy having fun.

The baby, summoned to take care of dad and make him suffer, manages to pop his new stepmom, incurring his father's wrath and...

...Okay those last two paragraphs are a lot. I need a minute here.

So the Zombaby flies off with dad chasing after it to get revenge and Jebus squawing Christmas, what even is this fucking movie??

While the cops hear back that DNA from the crime scenes matches their dead friend Logan, in one of the wildest coincidences ever, Zombaby and Zomdad run by their car, and the cops chase the weirdness.

This somehow even more coincidentally all leads back to the storage unit, where the two zombies fight it out.

Eventually, the larger and stronger of the two stabs a knife into Zombaby's head and pins it to the table.

Sloane arrives on the scene, the rivals reunited, and after a brief scuffle, he grabs the knifed baby and stabs the knife even more through its head and into his father's face.

Once Logan is down for the count, the cop grabs a hatchet and hacks him to pieces, and especially goes to town on his dick. Let's see your healing factor take care of THAT!

But before he can celebrate mutilating Logan, Zombie Barney shambles out and attacks him, until Manners shows up and actually uses his bloodlust to take him out.

So you’re him, huh? The killer of killers?

Sloane tries to explain that the zombie over there is Logan, but he's not believing it, no matter how much his partner carries on.

This enrages Manners, who proceeds to stomp his partner into red paste next to everyone else.

In fact, he so completely snaps, Manners goes on a shooting spree in the city. But it's okay! He was cleared of all charges, and uses his newfound interest in the supernatural to join the FBI and uncovers many unsolved cases filled as part of a paranormal unit called...THE NECRO FILES.

Yes. That is not a joke. Or I guess it is. This movie was one long setup to make an X-Files joke. Reaching that punchline did not require an hour.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: Not too great looking, but too be fair, this was a copy on Tubi, and I’m not sure how it looks onmy Blu Ray, since it literally just arrived.

Audio: Fairly average, but since I can make out the dialogue of the very distorted creepy baby voice, it ain’t bad.

Body Count: Necro Files does not disappoint with a long string of bodies in its wake

1 - 5:30 and the killer stabs his first victim. Lots of ways you can take that.

2 - Mannrs kills Logan.

3 - The cult leader loses his penis and his life

4 - One of the cultists is impaled with another's penis...and that's a sentence I just wrote

5 - Another has his guts ripped out

6 - Logan tears up the dom

7 - And then he tears into the sub

8 - Logan kills the female camper once he's done with her

9 - And then he shoots her boyfriend

10 - The Zombaby tears out Barney's throat

11 - Manners kills a drug dealer after he gets what he wants.

10 - Mathers curbstomps Jack

11 - Zombie Logan stabs the girl with the blow up doll.

12 - Logan puts a knife through his son's head

13 - Sloane hatchets up Logan

14 - Manners kills the zombie cultist

15 - Manners stomps on his partner.

Best Corpse: Uhhh. Jack’s head goes splat very well.

Blood Type - A: There’s plenty of blood and guts and viscera in this movie, and decent zombie makeup.

Sex Appeal: Oh gosh this movie is not shy about nudity. Breasts, ass, full frontal, zombie dick…

Drink Up! Every time Manners calls someone scumbags.

Movie Review: Despite being sleazy, no budget, and absolutely wild…it is at least coherent. It’s an understandable plot from a mechanical standpoint, if a baffling one from “Why did you do this??” standpoints. There is really only one standout actor here, and that’s Manners. Dude sells this role, and he sells it HARD. The dude in the zombie suit isn’t bad either. He gets some surprising emotion through the makeup at times. But for what it is from a technical standpoint, it’s actually perfectly fine, which is almost a surprise if you know the plot going in. Three out of five zombie babies.

Entertainment Value: You know the refrain by now, it may as well be our motto; is this a good movie? No! But it is entertaining as shit. It is another shining example of the sorts of things this site loves to come across. Those little movies that are absolute trash, but are made with some level of genuine skill and passion, and are just these unexpected pieces of WTF. How many people can say they’ve seen a movie like this? Not many, and I’m one of them. Now, the movie CAN be very uncomfortable to get through, but once that zombie baby comes on screen…the first time I watched it, I just about lost my shit. I am so happy this movie found its way to me. Four out of five zombie dongs.