The Cold (1984) — Triskaidekafiles

THE COLD

WRITERS: Larry Dreyfus & William Arthur

DIRECTOR: Bill Rebane

STARRING: Tom Blair as Jonathan
Jim Iaquinta as Joe
Carol Perry as Maude
Stuart Osborne as George
Don Arthur as Horace
Debbie Martin as Karen
Lori Minneti as Cindy
Pamela Rohleder as Shelly

QUICK CUT: A group of friends spend a weekend relaxing at a mountain resort.

THE MORGUE

John - A man interested in money, and getting to the bottom of secrets.

Joe - A former criminal looking to make some cash, and something of a player. He’s got a bit of a violent side.

Karen - A young woman who hangs around with the cast and…ugh, I don’t even know. So many of these characters are just kinda there. Let’s get on with this.

If you can’t take the Cold, get into the kitchen.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! We're cruising through May, and this week, uh, I dug into ANOTHER 50 pack of movies for another review. I didn't mean to back to back these, but her we are. Anyways, this week is slightly less random. I've pondered doing this film a few times already, and someone else brought up watching it, so I decided sure, let's finally do this one.

And the movie is called The Game. But since there is a MUCH better, MUCH more popular movie by that title, let's stick with it's alternate title, The Cold. And with this annoyingly still chilly weather in May, well, it's appropriate.

We open on some narration setting up the premise; there is a trio of bored millionaires who have set up this alternatively titular 'game' where they bring in other people to this mountain resort, with the promise of stupid prizes, to torment for funsies.

And don’t worry, the caretaker, that Torrance fellow, has done a bang up job with the place.

The trio-llionaires chat a bit and badly introduce the characters, because they're not around, so I still don't know who anyone is based on this. But then the games begin! And so does the dancing! And gratuitous shots of boobs and butts!

But after a whole lotta dancing to pad out the movie, the rules of the game are explained, badly. The contestants just have to not leave the hotel grounds, while the millionaires try and scare them. If they leave, they are disqualified. And I presume the game continues until only one player remains.

And they start things off quickly, because suddenly there is a tarantula on the table, and one of the women flips out. Not enough to leave yet, but not a bad taste of things to come.

Sorry, can you point me in the direction of the Chinese restaurant set from IT? I'm late for my call...

They also say that if anyone doesn't want to play, they must leave, by noon tomorrow. Um, but if you lose by leaving, technically...eh, never mind.

So the master planners head back to prepare, and say they will not be seen by the contestants, but they will be watching.

That night, one of the girls goes for a swim in the hotel pool, and gets scared by a shark. You know, it's never made clear if it's a real shark (HIGHLY unlikely), or a shark fin somehow moving, and that detail bugs me.

Unlike my usual gag, this time it’s more like a *high grade* Ted V. Mikels.

Later the following day, John and I think Karen, are exploring around, and eventually find a dilapidated building. Is this on the grounds? Is it before noon? Does it matter? We return to this house a few times, so I *presume* it's on the grounds, but...

As they leave the building, there's a weird guy in one of the windows being weird, and I only note him because he does lurk around the plot a bit.

Everyone just kinda wanders around before things really kick off, giving the movie time to kinda establish character and motivations. An attempt was made, at least.

JD and Aaron hear a noise outside their room, and when they open the door, the titular Cold blows down the hallways, as fog starts to roll in. Well, the old coots can at least bring the atmosphere.

Finally, something actually happens, as someone jumps out and grabs Ronnie, dragging him away. His bandana is found by John before he goes digging through the hotel's files and records. When he bumps into Randy Sue later, she recognises the bandana as her boyfriend's.

As everyone tries to sleep, a broadcast comes over the tv, showing Ronnie being hung. Look, I know the movie's bad but...

JD finds a note supposedly from Rappin’ Ronnie telling Randy Sue to meet him at the lodge, he has a plan, and they think this is likely a trick. So Aaron goes to investigate, to see what the deal is.

Meanwhile, the trio sneak around in masks, to whimsical music, setting a nicely discordant tone. Which is one of this movie’s strengths.

Aaron arrives at 'the lodge' which might be the same run down building from earlier, but the geography in this movie is questionable at best.

He gets conked on the head and tosses down into a cell with the rats. This will be the last we see of Aaron. The implication is he got, uh, eaten by the rats?

JD and Randy Sue go looking for Aaron who went looking for Ronnie, and they find more nothing, except for a few cheap scares like they're in a haunted house attraction. They get attacked by fog, and this will be the last we see of *them*.

We really need to get some weather stripping in here.

Back at the hotel, Joe and Shelly get trapped in the sauna, you know, that old gag. Joe is ready to break the glass when someone else wanders by, and lets them out. Crisis averted!

They complain about the cold while they're in there, but the sauna would have to be off for QUITE some time before the cold became THAT noticeable. I question if the old coots could’ve rigged it up to pipe that much cold in that quickly even, but fine.

A new day dawns, and the survivors poke around a bit more, and find the house of horrors and the gimmicks in the lodge. Aside from that, the movie takes a break from anything interesting, and everyone sits around and talkes for awhile.

Please don’t play keep away from the severed head.

That night, on the tv, someone is watching The Giant Spider Invasion, coincidentally another Bill Rebane film. And look, I know I normally say don't remind me of a better movie in your bad movie, but this one is a lateral move, at beast.

Cindy gets woken up from something trying to push out of her bed, like it's that guy from Evil Laugh, or magic fingers gone tragically wrong.

It ends up being some inhuman looking creature that chases her around like some foul looking worm.

The Terrible Trio burst back on the scene, and tie Shelly to a chair, playing a game of Russian roulette with her. Except they're going to fire the gun at her five times, with one bullet in the cylinder.

Shockingly, she survives, and the triad head out, delighted at their merry japes. But as they're skipping down the hallway, a shot rings out, and it looks like Shelly just shot herself.

Instead of going to the room that's just a few feet behind them, they instead scamper back to their hidden lair, to check the security cameras. And Shelly sure does look dead. At least, so they tell us. The movie makes some interesting choices in steadfastly showing us nothing.

But once they see what looks like Shelly's dead body, the millionaires decide to...go back to her room and give it a look. You could've saved us all a LOT of trouble!!

If you love your job, you never work a day in your life.

Oblivious to ALL this, Cindy goes for a late night swim, with a snake in the pool. She screams, and that. Is the last. We see of. HER.

Meanwhile, the triumverate get back to Shelly's room and...there's no body. They're just as confused as I am, and go back the way they came. Again. But John sneaks behind them and follows them back to their lair.

Karen hears a voice telling her to open the closet door and oh no, a spooky amusement park affect, noooo! Fortunately, she's as non plussed by it as I am.

She catches up with John, who is in Shelly's room, and NOT following the trio all of a sudden. Karen wants to know what's going on, and on this, we agree.

Joe wanders back into the movie after like...half an hour, and finds Shelly's actual corpse in the sauna again.

Elsewhere, the trio are in their lair, pondering if hey, maybe the game is being played on THEM, instead of the other way around!

John reveals he's been looking into some guy, who was released from a mental insitute and got a job at this resort as a janitor. He then went missing a year ago. This would be the creepy hunchback lurking around throughout the movie.

Please not the clearly marked TIXE at the end of every hallway, in case of an emergency.

They decide to go find the masterminds in their lair, but Joe beats up John, takes a gun, and goes seeking revenge all lone wolf style.

Joe comes upon their tormentors, demanding answers, and it's not long before one of them is shot.

Fortunately, John shows up before things can get worse, and Joe runs away. They're a handy shotgun just laying there, that was not Chekoved at *all*, and he chases John off into the grounds.

Once they get to some building...is it the lodge? Is it the house from earlier? Are they all the same? Who knows! Anyways, Joe gets the drop on John, but oops! The gun is loaded with blanks!

The hunchbacked custodian shows up to stop the violence, and oh! He's got a posh British accent! And he pulls off a mask! And he has no hunch! It was all an actor, hired by the millionaires! And they also hired John under the guise of "Felix's" parents to find him!

So wait, if Felix isn't real, then how does anyone recognise him, since this is LITERALLY THE FIRST TIME HE HAS INTERACTED WITH ANYONE IN THE ENTIRE PLOT?? What was the deal with lurking around acting creepy, if no one sees you?? Talk about commitment to the bit.

Not Felix tells the boys if they would accompany him back to the lodge, everything will be explained. And it most assuredly is not.

They explain no one is actually dead, once they were kidnapped and the trio-llionaires had their fun, they played their part, and were sent on their way to a hotel in town. Once the game was over, everyone will be reunited.

Since they had so much fun, the millionaires decide to give everyone still left, a million each, because why not? The rules are made up, and the prizes don't matter.

Oh yeah, John looks THRILLED at this plot twist.

Not Felix takes the survivors out while the trio celebrate, and he brings them to the lodgings in town where the others are. Except...no one is there. Not a single soul. Well, maybe Ronnie, but again, this movie feels so vague in everything, and breezes past so much.

Once they're gone, the millionaires start feeling really cold, the fog rolls in, and they head to the sauna to try and stay warm until whatever is going on stops.

Which is when the random bullshit really kicks in, because this whole new horrific vision shows up.

The trio are then seen frozen over, and presumed dead, but then their eyes open, they laugh, and dance around, and what is even going on at this point??

And the movie ends on some narration bookending things, and tries to pat itself on the back for being SO clever for being SO twisty that you don't know what happened and who is the winner of this wiiild game! And no, that's just lampshading bad writing. This movie might be the modern (for 1980s) equivalent of Monster a Go Go to me.

It literally goes on to ask us what happened to the missing players, what happened to the millionaires? You tell me! That is your JOB! Are we not so very clever?? NO!

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: So, like a lot of these Mill Creek packs, the quality leaves a lot to be desired. And the screencaps show that. BUT there is a version on Tubi that looks SO SO much better.

Audio: There’s a lot of moments where it sounds like a bad room mic, but it’s adequate.

Sound Bite: “Good night and pleasant...screams!" Yeah, okay, calm down, Crypt Keeper.
"Games aren't played with loaded guns." "Then what are they played with??"

Body Count: Like any of these fakeout movies, I decided to leave the “deaths” in, but be aware these are largely undone. Although we also don’t know the fate of most of these characters.

1 - We see Ronnie's hanged body about 27 minutes in
2 - Aaron gets eaten by rats, I guess?
3 - Shelly gets shot off camera.?
4 - Cindy encounters a snake in the pool?
5 - Horace gets shot by Joe
6 - The first actual deaths of the trio occur at the very end of the movie. Maybe??

Best Corpse: Uuuh, the trio look nicely chilled, I guess. We almost never see anything.

Blood Type - C: There are a few drops of blood when Joe finds Shelly, but then there’s a few all right severed heads, that weird bed worm, and whatever the frozen bride is that aren’t entirely without merit. Just…why here…but I digress.

Sex Appeal: The women are in their underwear a lot, some of the men almost as much, and there’s many shots of boob.

Drink Up! Every time the movie gives us nothing.

Movie Review: Okay, it’s already pretty clear I am annoyed by this movie, but what’s good? I think there are a bunch of solid IDEAS here, and good concepts, but it’s too many that don’t quite go together, or they didn’t think through the HOW of them going together. So it’s like three plots in a trenchcoat. I like a fair amount of the acting. Nothing super notable, but solid performances from several actors giving this movie more than it deserves. Again, the weird makeup isn’t terrible. But being such a messy plot of randomness, that then tries to tout its cleverness for doing nothing is more frustrating than a good story. Two out of five bed worms.

Entertainment Value: Pretty much the same points. Entertaining acting, a lurking weird hunchback, and things that baffle you…if only it all came together and didn’t shrug instead of trying to make it work. Two out of five bandanas.