Cadaverella (2005) — Triskaidekafiles

CADAVERELLA

WRITERS: Screenplay by Timothy and Jennifer Friend

DIRECTOR: Timothy Friend

STARRING: Megan Goddard as Cinder
Ryan Seymour as Justin/Cash
Kieran Hunter as Donna/Lenore
Santiago Vasquez as Baron Samedi
Jena Bright as The Twins
Kylie Jusset as The Twins
MacKenzie Montes as Young Cinder
Christopher Booth as Frank

QUICK CUT: A girl struggles to get along with her wicked stepmother until her 21st birthday, when she can live her own life.

THE MORGUE

Cinder - A young woman who lost her parents when she was young, and turned into a jaded young adult struggling to get through to her 21st birthday and freedom from her stepmother. She’s clever, needy, and a bit self centred, but she’s a good person more than not.

Justin - Cinder’s main love interest. He’s a paraplegic with an interest in horror and pop culture, and just wants to be noticed by Cinder as more than a fuck buddy.

Cash - The other guy Cinder makes time for. Girls love a bad boy.

Belladonna - Cinder’s stepmom who puts up with the kid so she can live off the allowance her husband left her.

Baron Samedi - The Haitian god of the dead, who helps to make certain people are where they need to be.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! I finally got my hands on the final 50 pack of movies from Pendulum Pictures, and as I have done with the previous sets before, I asked my Echo for a random number between 1 and 50...and it picked a movie by Bill Zebub, and uh, I am just NOT ready mentally for that to be thrown at me randomly. So I asked for another number, and got...Cadaverella. So let's call our fairy godmother and hop in a pumpkin.

The movie opens up on a fresh grave being dug for our narrator, Cinder, who has recently come to a bad end. But we'll get back to that.

First, we go into a flashback where we find out Cinder's mother died shortly after she was born, and after about ten years, her father remarries a woman named Belladonna, who moves in with her two twin creepy children.

Shortly afterwards, Cinder's father dies because Donna is too hot and his heart gives out. He left most of his fortune to Cinder, but she can't touch it until she turns 21. Typical ideas here.

And yes, with the title of this movie, and that setup, you should notice more than a few passing similarities between this movie and the classic fairy tale, Cinderella. Here endeth the similarities though, almost. Which feels like a missed opportunity. They start off strong, but then go in their own direction. That has some merit of its own, but I do wonder what could have been.

So we jump ahead, but not all the way, to three days before Cinder's 21st birthday. So close, and yet so far, if you end up dead.

We meet Cinder's friend with benefits, Justin, who is a paraplegic, fellow student, and collector of random trinkets. He also has a teeny little figurine of Baron Samedi, Haitian god.

As they hang out, we learn Cinder's plan is to get out of dodge and hit the beach the instant she has her inheritance. Justin is clearly into her, not the money, and he is very much hurt that she's not sticking around for him, or even asking him to come with her.

Cinder heads to work, and we meet her rival there, Lenore, who is always following her around like a puppy. As Cinder says, she doesn't know if Lenore wants to fire her or fuck her.

As she narrates, Cinder can't stand Lenore, and that particular day, she was wishing great harm upon her. And wouldn't you know it, a random accident involving a fish hook happened.

Wait, no, hold on. it’s been ten years, why are they still…this?!

We then head back to Cinder's home, where Donna and the twins are still living, probably as part of the will, but Cinder makes it clear they are getting kicked out once she has her trust, the day after her birthday. Which just so happens to be on Halloween. Who the fuck gets born on Halloween?!

That night, after Justin calls to ask where his Samedi trinket is, knowing full well Cinder probably stole it, the Baron himself wanders into the plot.

We find out that he is the one responsible for harming Lenore as Cinder wished. But they make it clear, he does NOT grant wishes, just make things happen. Tomato potahto.

Cinder then rushes over to Justin's house after being freaked out by the baron. She returns the idol to her friend, and she doesn't say much about anything. Instead they hang out and just have a relaxing, distracting night.

The next day, we do get a crash course in Baron Samedi though, or as Justin describes him, a cross between Hugh Hefner, Satan, and a used car salesman. I feel like I should take offense, but also...fair. He also guards the door between this world and the next, as well as grant favours, but be careful of paying them back.

Cinder heads to work, and she isn't quite a Baron backer yet, it could all be coincidence and fever dreams. So she takes the idol, and concentrates on something very specific. And it comes true, so, myth confirmed! Also, Lenore gets a papercut on her tongue, and she bleeds like she's in a Japanese ninja movie.

The other guy Cinder likes to bone, simply due to the "hot gardener" effect, is the earlier mentioned Cash. He's the bad boy, Justin's opposite, and he has a motorcycle. Everything to attract young women and cause trouble. He shows up that night and takes Cinder to a party in a questionable location, and she asks where they are

Cinder gets absolutely wasted, and Cash has his way with her. Unfortunately, his way is have sex with her, and then kill her.

He drives them off into the woods, and does exactly that, and then starts to dig her grave. So, at least the movie is finally looping back around to the beginning.

After that, Cash heads back to Donna, to tell her what happened, and screw HER too, while she wears a red wig to look exactly like Cinder. Oh, there's a lot to unpack there.

Fortunately, Cinder has a fairy godbaron, who brings her back to life, so she can get her revenge on all of Top Donna's jolly pirate crew with jolly pirate nicknames.

Cinder makes her first stop her house, and kills Donna by squishing her head so hard her brain pops out.

From there, she pays Justin a visit, and shows him a good time. Is uh, is it necrophilia still, if she's a zombie?

She can’t really be a zombie if she’s just gonna leave that on the counter.

She finishes up with Justin, and heads back to the...*ahem* Fun Shak, before the clock strikes midnight and her corpse turns back into pumpkin feed. At least they kept THAT part of the story.

Cinder tears through about five guys there, in some pretty gnarly and great, if occasionally silly, special effects. It took a bit to get here, but we do get some wild visuals, it's almost - ALMOST - worth it.

But now there's just Cash left, and the movie is racing towards a conclusion, so she takes a pin that's holding some of her clothes together, and pierces Cash right through the heart. They intend to have his blood gushing out and spraying, and it KINDA works, but while his shirt does slowly get more red, it is pretty hard to see the blood spray from the wound. Shame.

Mom, I wanna watch Return of the Living Dead 3! We have Return of the Living Dead 3 at home...

Cinder leaves the building, steals Cash's bike, and rides off into the night, probably into a series of three sequels, a short lived one season tv series, and a reboot.

Meanwhile, Baron Samedi shows up at Cinder's house, and collects the twins, because SURPRISE! they're actually his daughters, which, technically, explains some things? I guess?

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: Not bad for a 50 pack movie, crammed on a disc with four other features. It could probably look better, but for that sorta no budget mid 2000s era feel? It’s about average

Audio: It sounds fine, but nothing notable

Sound Bite: “Dad's will had left her a nice allowance, but it just wasn't enough to provide a gold digging, soul sucking, money hungry cunt with the lifestyle to which she had become accustomed."

Body Count: Not a whole lot, and most of them are just randos that get in the way. You could argue they assisted in her abuse at the Fun Shak, but that’s stretching things.

1 - Cinder's dad Frank dies eight minutes in
2 - Cinder gets choked out by Cash and dies, but don't worry.
3 - Belladonna gets her head squished real good
4 - One thug gets his face punched off by Cinder
5 - Another gets his jaw ripped off
There's probably two or three more in three
6 - Cinder stabs Cash to death

Best Corpse: Donna getting her head squished is the best and most deserved death, but most notable for me was punching through the random dude’s face You don’t see that TOO often.

Blood Type - B: Some solid blood work here, even if it takes most of the movie to get there. But then there’s a lot. And some good effects once we do.

Sex Appeal: We see occasional boobs

Drink Up! Every time Baron Samedi laughs.

Movie Review: This was a lot of fun. It’s not great, it’s cheap, nothing is done terribly well, but it IS fun. It starts out as an interesting horror take of Cinderella (15 years before that started becoming popular!) but then finds it’s own voice and it’s own story to tell. Justin and Cinder are decent enough on screen to watch. This is as much comedy as horror, and there are a few good laughs, and it’s not the worst thing I’ve seen. Three out of five Baron Samedi trinkets

Entertainment Value: The movie is mostly going for laughs, and camp, and it works more than it should. If you’re not paying attention, it’s easy to miss that like…half the cast is playing dual roles. Justin and Cash are the same actor, and Donna and Lenore are played by the same actress. Having those similar characters in Cinder’s life, but at different ends of the spectrum, and played by the same person, is clever, and I dunno if it’s always planned that way, or they did it to save money, but it works. And the actors play things up to their campy best. The movie is absurd, and silly, and with some good splatter when the time comes. It’s hard to say you should go watch this, don’t get me wrong, it’s not good, but it is a silly movie you can have a good dumb time with. Three out of four fish hooks.

Well, it's still better than the Crow remake.

Talk about double roles