Sucker (1998) — Triskaidekafiles

SUCKER

WRITER: Hans Rodionoff

DIRECTOR: Hans Rodionoff

STARRING: Yan Birch as Anthony

Monica Baber as Vanessa

P.K. Phillips as Lenore

Colleen Moore as Beth

Greg Fawcett as Seth

Alex Erkiletian as Reed Buccholz

QUICK CUT: A nurse who moonlights as a roadie needs to find a new job when the band dissolves and causes his life to spiral out of control.

THE MORGUE

Reed - A weasly, dirty, odd fellow who just wants to fit in, but he is at odds with societal norms. And that’s before he becomes the thrall of a vampire.

Vanessa - The heir to the Van Helsing family, who has lost everything thanks to vampires, and like most of her lineage, has promised to wipe out as many of them as she can.

Anthony - A vampire and a musician. He sees humans as little more than tools and a source of food. He has had many years to develop a lifestyle and strategy for survival, but it’s all about to change.

Lenore - A late comer to the plot, she’s Anthony’s sire, and she’s your average seductive vampire, but she has a weird streak of understanding gentleness, especially towards her ‘family’.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! May is here, and this week, I thought I'd grab one of my Toxie Triple Packs, because they are plentiful, and do another flick from there. And the unlucky victim, is Sucker. A late 90s vampire movie, with just a bite of comedy. So let's sink our teeth in.

The movie opens up on some nebishy guy sneaking around as late 90s wannabe Danny Elfman music plays. We quickly learn this is Reed, a nurse by day, and vampire minion by night. He's also a roadie for the vampire band his master fronts for.

Currently, Reed is being summoned by his master, Anthony, to clean up his latest victim. Or "sushi" as Reed calls them, since Tony likes to leave them in the water.

Wasting no time bringing boobs into this one, huh?

Following that, we move on to the band's latest concert, and this is the night that Anthony has decided to break up the band. One of the other band members, Seth, he likes the popularity, and the girls, but Anthony gives a bit of the old Top Dollar speech; they're getting too big, this is the perfect time to give up.

That's when Reedfield brings in two vict...uhh, groupies. A random blonde that Anthony will kill shortly, and Vanessa Helsing. Hmm. I wonder why she might be there?

Anthony leaves with his dinner, while Seth gets handsy with Vanessa. She eventually reveals herself, and goes all Buffy on him.

Could this blood look any more like fruit punch?

Back at his mansion, Anthony has killed his blonde, and in a shocking twist, as he gets out of the pool, we are treated to some vampire penis.

Reed gets summoned to remove the girl from the pool, while Anthony watches some Baywatch knockoff. It's probably important to note that Reed is treated like a disposable minion, despite all his awkward efforts to make friends with his master.

There's also a really nice detail that Anthony has Reed set up to live on a houseboat, where he films the sunrise every day. This is so Anthony can still enjoy it, but it also makes Reed consistently late for work,.

Oh, we are gonna need a bigger pool skimmer.

After Reed ACTUALLY TRIES with the pool skimmer, he dives in to drag the latest body out, and get her to his car.

Now this...this is where things turn icky. Because Reed doesn't immediately dispose of the bodies. He takes them back to the boat, and uh, he does photoshoots. And he has his way with them.

And THEN Reed takes the body to work, where he drops it off at the moruge. Nice way to make use, and you can see why Anthony chose him. Purely practical.

While Reed deals with his even worse boss at the doctor's office, we get the treat of a training montage with Vanessa.

Anthony heads out to a bar and watches a band play, just as Vanessa shows up, and gets the attention of the third bandpire, Tobin.

Tobin takes Vanessa to his place, and while making out, he comes across her cross necklace, and we all know how this goes.

After Reed disposes of yet another body, he shows up for work, where Vanessa has also turned up. She needs to get a few shots after a couple bites she's gotten killing Tony's friends.

Unfortunately, he gets fired for showing up late yet again, and drifts through the rest of the movie kinda aimlessly.

He eventually wanders back to Anthony's home, and Vanessa follows him there. Oh, this might be a short movie! If we could be so lucky.

Now that he's of no use to him, Anthony fires Reed, and goes to take care of the intruder he's become aware of lurking around.

Not sure how much protection a turtleneck will provide.

Rockula corners Vanessa, and she jabs him as best she can, and he gets a good bite out of her in return.

Vanessa seems far too amused by being bitten to death by her prey, and just to cut to the chase, it's gonna be revealed really soon that she got AIDS somewhere along the way. And lemme tell ya, I hate how this nothing, forgotten, silly vampire movie from 1998 is the one that came along and posed the question, "What if vampires got AIDS?"

But before that revelation, Reed takes Vanessa's body back to his place to do what he does with her, until he's called back to ID the pills she left behind.

Of course, since Reed has had fun with most of the corpses, he's now worried that he too has contracted AIDS. Yep, we are handling this with about as much delicateness as you would expect.

The 90s was not a good decade for Stefan Salvatore.

All this awkwardly leads to Anthony learning about Reedfield's necrophilia, and he is disgusted by it. He kicks Reed out, never wanting to see him again, and dude, this is a weird place to draw the line, even if I get it.

That's when ANOTHER vampire struts her vinyl clad legs into the plot, and while it's late, I'm gonna say this is just under the wire to allow for new characters. Especially since half of the rest are dead now.

She's Lenore, Anthony's creator, and she has been able to tell he's in distress...and heard about what happened with Reed while waiting to saunter into the plot.

Anyways, what DOES happen to a vampire with AIDS? Well, the short version is, they won't be able to digest blood. They won't die, because they can't unless a wooden stake pierces their heart, but they'll shrivel up, they'll desiccate, and eventually, someone will find the body, bury it, and that will be it for poor old Anthony. Alive and rotting under ground, food for the worms.

While the boys bond over Anthony's condition, it's time for a girl's night out, as Lenore pays a visit to Vanessa. Who, it turns out, is not dead. Well...she IS, but she's also a vampire, because she was bitten by Seth and Tobin before she killed each of them, and then by Anthony.

Lenore makes Vanessa an offer; she can live forever as the thing her whole family has fought against, or she can kill Anthony, releasing her from the curse, and returning to a human death.

Back with the boys, the two are actually becoming fast friends, now that the whole master and minion dynamic is shattered, and Anthony is feeling utterly hopeless and alone.

There's been a throughline with Anthony's backstory and a love of boats and sailing, that they never make explicit. I rather like that there's a lot unsaid about his past, and just enough there to hint. But anyways, this leads to Anthony wanting to go back out on the water before he dies. Unfortunately, his first mate knows nothing of sailing, so it's gonna take some training first.

Somehow, this movie, despite it's flaws and a bit of sleaze, has stumbled into being...weirdly charming to the point of almost being endearing??

Later, Vanessa arrives to try and kill her sire, and for a movie of this level, the fighting actually ain't half bad. Seen better, seen worse.

I did initially question why everyone suddenly wants Anthony dead, since that seemed like a problem that would take care of himself. But I guess since he WON'T die and just live in endless rotting torment, it makes more sense. For Vanessa, she has to kill him while she can to become human. And I guess Lenore might be doing it as a bit of a mercy for her child. Or she might just be into survival of the fittest, and sees Anthony as needing to be punished for screwing up.

Reed shows up and conks Vanessa out, and they put her in the guest coffin for the time being. Reed shuffles off, after promising to give her a proper burial, when the time comes. Anthony and Reed say their goodbyes, and maybe they'll go sailing again tomorrow.

But we cut to Anthony, sitting on his boat, as the sun starts to come up, choosing to die on his own terms, and not become food for the worms.

Reedfield wakes up, finds a note from Anthony, explaining what he plans to do, and the former minion rushes to the boat, hoping he shows up in time.

Spoiler: he does not.

The movie could've ended on this note, but Lenore shows up, offering to turn Reed, but he refuses. She shockingly just...leaves. Instead, Reed goes back to the doctor's office and finds the girl he's been sweet on all movie, a living one at that! and asks if she would like to join him as he sails off into the world, and live life.

Such a weird , and occasionally touching movie.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: Not great, but at least tolerably average. Suffers from being one of three movies on the disc. Typical late 90s problem of the blacks being more of a dark grey.

Audio: Pretty decent. The music sounds good, at least.

Sound Bite: “California, the land of sun, surf, and sexually transmitted diseases!"

Body Count: A solid amount, and a high percentage of the cast.

1 - Reed finds a dead woman before the credits roll

2 - At about nine minutes, Vanessa kills Seth with a stake.

3 - Anthony kills the blonde in the pool

4 - Tobin gets staked by Vanessa

5 - Anthony drains another blonde

6 - Vanessa dies from Anthony's bite.

7 - Then Anthony chooses to die.

8 - Vanessa dies again

Best Corpse: Most of the dead bodies are just sorta there, with very little wounds, or we don’t see what happens like with Anthony. Tobin’s death has at least something to it.

Blood Type - F: Almost no blood, outside of red water, and very few makeup effects.

Sex Appeal: Boobs aplenty, and actual penis!

Drink Up! Every time Reed makes a weird noise.

Movie Review: This movie…it’s a mixed bag. There’s something here, that’s for sure. It’s actually got moments of clever, like even just posing the AIDS question, and Tobin’s Nosferatu look, and other references. But it’s also a bit sleazy, has a bit too much homophobia, which was starting to be out of fashion by the late 90s. If anything, this movie could have gone a bit MORE sleazy. It has boobs, and some taboo topics, but it feels like it’s holding back more than it’s not. But like I said, there’s something bordering on endearing to the plot. A lot of stuff here works way better than it should, and I can just imagine if this was made with more of a budget, and time, to polish the rough edges. Four out of five karaoke machines.

Entertainment Value: It’s got a pinch of comedy, that keeps things light, which is arguably the wrong way to go with some serious subject matter. I almost wish this dealt a bit more seriously with the issues it wants to, but at the same time, this movie would be so bleak otherwise. The lack of focus and not being quite sure of the tone it wants to strike, make it a bit messy, but there’s enough going on here that keeps things interesting. The cast is solid, especially for this level of production. I actually really enjoy Anthony’s performance in particular. When he finally gets to show his humanity, there’s some nuance there that elevates things. Most of the humour is brought by Reed being a goof, but a lot of it feels dated, awkward, and annoying. Still, there’s some decent action, a solid idea, and enough to entertain, three out of five pool skimmers.