From Venus (2005) — Triskaidekafiles

FROM VENUS

WRITERS: Jeff Kennedy and DJ Perry

DIRECTOR: Jeff Kennedy

STARRING: DJ Perry as Franklin Mayfair

Michael Brown as Russ Preston

David Borowicz as Arthur/Yolin

Aaron Jackson as Adam/Crypto

Joy Jaye as Molly

Rebecca Holden as Avatrix

A.R. Lake as Shanara

Anthony Hornus as Maggarth

QUICK CUT: While on leave, Russel goes looking for his niece, after she falls in with a bad crowd in another town.

THE MORGUE

Russ - A soldier who looks out for his factory. A bit happy go lucky, ready with a joke, but not the most patient.

Franklin - Russ’s partner, very trigger happy, and doesn’t often notice that which is right in front of him.

Yolin - A charismatic minion of the Avatrix, who is controlling an entire town to do his bidding. Very charming and polite.

Avatrix - An alien woman with a mysterious agenda, who wants to subjugate men beneath her and the women who serve her.

Crypto - A young man sucked in by Yolin’s cult, and was recruiting others, but once he saw what is really going on, he turned against them.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! I mentioned a few months ago those amazingly terrible 50 packs of movies from Pendulum Releasing, and I have gotten my hands on another one. So I picked a random number, which picked a random movie, and we got...From Venus. Let's just dive right in.

The movie opens with an introduction from the director talking about himself and...I SWEAR this was a random pick, but holy shit to follow Conjure up with this. It is at least done tongue in cheek, and helps set the tone for what we're about to suffer through. Also, he asks for alcohol, which is not a good sign.

He describes the movie we're about to see as "an experience" and THAT is ALSO never a good sign. Oh what am I in for?

But from there we slide through the credits, and into a house where a Halloween night movie marathon is on, and they're showing OHMYGOD Knight Chills. I Trisked that one forever ago.

At least this doesn't break my rule of showing a better movie in your shitty movie. But we are fortunately spared too much of that, when the power goes out.

There's a knock on the door, and Arthur is greeted by a large person in a knight costume, and is given a package containing a rose and IS THIS A SECRET SEQUEL TO KNIGHT CHILLS?? I hate that I even retain enough memories to catch the references.

Arthur's already having a weird night, so he's worried the box might be trapped, or possibly cursed, so he is most cautious when he opens it.

Aside from everything else, inside the box is a comic book featuring the story "From Venus", and the movie shifts from here, and into the comic and HOW MANY INTROS DOES THIS MOVIE HAVE??

But after 11 minutes, the movie actually gets started (Why does this keep happening to me??) as a private investigator calling the person he's working for, to report back on what he’s found. While he does this, the townspeople walk through the fog and eerie lighting as he warns her that they are "taking over everything".

The townspeople get ahold of the investigator and kill him, as their leader, Yolin, hilariously shouts, "NAUGHTY NAUGHTY NAUGHTY!!" Excuse me, I thought this was a HALLOWEEN movie, not a CHRISTMAS movie?

Later, Yolin is stargazing with the young woman the PI was looking for, talking about how he feels he is from another planet, and trying to seduce her to the dark side of this farce.

Is there something you want to share with the rest of the class, movie??

Seriously, look at that. Who does this movie think they are, AvP: Requiem?! Please, amateur movie makers, if there is one piece of advice I can pass on to you, from all my years of watching no budget movies, scrounge around in your couch cushions AND BUY AT LEAST A SINGLE LIGHT.

Yolin gets called off for a ceremony, and Molly hangs out with Crypto, who has pulled her into this cult, which we learn a bit more about in the next scene. As we meet her family, and the people who hired the PI to find her.

So, Russ and his army buddy Frank decide to take it upon themselves to find this town, find this cult, and find Molly. Hooray, that's a plot!

They pad the movie out with scenes of their driving and bad joke voiceovers, as they search for the town, and take a brief stop at the local gun shop.

It's all fun and games until you put out an eye.

Eventually we end up lost on some dirt roads, so they stop to ask a local selling vegetables and playing guitar by the side of the road, for some directions to New Mahkra.

The native is VERY taciturn, and not giving them anything. At one point Frank says the maps says it's just a few miles west, and hey. You have a MAP. Go find it!

Frank finds a road side pointing to New Mahkra, and...OH MY GOD THAT IS ARKHAM SPELLED BACKWARDS.

...Okay I'm back. Ahem. They yell at the local and keep driving on their way, while the sign bursts into flames FOR NO REASON.

Moses doesn’t have the effects budget he used to.

While they keep driving and trying to be witty in ADR, Yolin communes with his mistress, the Avatrix, in a ritual, hinting that they are "close to completion" and they must "find that which is lost" to remain on schedule. None of this will be adequately explained.

Our zeroes drive into town, and Russ can 'sense' something is off as he looks at the citizens shambling around. I was all set to make a joke about everyone having that "Innsmouth Look" about them, but SINCE THEY WENT AND NAKMED THE TOWN ARKHAM... Harrumph.

Frank gets out at the motel to get a room, while Russ hits up a convenience store for snacks and road beers.

The guy behind the desk at the motel is VERY squirrely, insisting they have no rooms, and declares, "I am Burton Faust, guardian of the gates of oblivion, and only the doomed are welcome here!"

Jesus, just say "I look after the place while the Master is away" and be done with it.

After spending some time establishing the baddies, who are led by women, who have zero time for men and their words, we jump back to Arthur reading the comic, because this movie needs to be padded out more.

Some of his sister's friends are at the door, and he tries to flirt with them, but they're having none of it. After the ladies mock him and leave, Arthur notes the lack of children, what with this being Halloween. He comments, "This is like a bad movie" and YOU SAID IT PAL, NOT ME.

But we fortunately jump back into the comic/actual movie, as Russ reaches the store. He hears some weird noises and looks over the aisle racks, to see two of the townsfolk staring at each other and wordlessly communicating.

And lemme tell ya, a black guy in rural backwoods America, with two slackjawed local yokels? Even without alien mind control plots, this could go REAL bad for him.

He tries to grab some beer, but the expiration date is "from sometime around my senior prom" and the coolers are off, so everything is warm.

Back at the hotel, Burton is rambling about this being the town of "the soulless" and how he has half his soul on loan because...ehh, does anyone care?

Things keep bubbling along with all parties. The ceremony for Molly draws near, the mining of the Venusian Vixens continues, all while Frank and Russ hit up a pub to ask about Crypto to try and find Molly.

While the bros get a beer, Yolin and some of the ladies show up and invite Russ and Frank to his mansion, for a party he's throwing, and so they can see Molly is there of her own free will.

Until party time though, Yolin leaves several of the women to serve as...entertainment for the boys.

Russ keeps his big head about him though, and pulls Frank away before his little head gets them into trouble. They decide to crash the mansion early, and hit the motel room to get armed up.

They creep around the house unnoticed, and eventually find an old minister alone in a room upstairs, who is unable to move, and infodumps a bit about his son, who just so happens to be Yolin.

He urges them to go to the church, thanks to Yolin controlling him, and so the two soldiers head there to find the trap. And Molly, I guess.

To cut through the traveling, we jump out of the plot so Arthur can be spooked by a few neighbours, but then it's back to the church.

Yolin and the rest of the town are there, and he orders the boys to surrender their guns and have a seat, so they can have a chat. Then he will take them to see Molly.

He reads some BS passages of Venusian Vixen nonsense, and sees the guys are about as interested as I am. So he threatens to show them the true meaning of Christmas...er, fear! Fear! The true meaning of fear!

So they get captured, and we are BACK at the mansion after that brief plot cul de sac. Franklin is all tied up and it's all a bit wannabe kinky but so light it wouldn't even rate on Skinemax.

We cut away for more shenanigans with Arthur and weird doings in his house, before it's back to the plot, and Crypto untying Frank so they can go save Russ before he is sacrificed to Molly's ritual.

They show up to the field where the sacrifice is taking place as the Avatrix is about to do her thing. She blasts the car with force lightning, and shockingly, we get an exploding vehicle in this thing.

Avatrix’s right hand vixen, Shamara stradles Russ to kill him, as the boys hold everyone else at gunpoint, despite being rather outnumbered.

The women all fire at Frank and he...somehow is missed by every bullet, despite standing rock still. But his aim is much better, so he takes out the four priestesses in a single shot to the head each.

No one can be told what the plot of this movie is. They have to see it for themselves.

Yolin has run off to the mines with Molly, and the three guys chase after him with their guns. Yolin snaps some rando's neck, and they rush in shooting.

They don't get very far, thanks to Maggarth the brute squad, at least not until Frank grabs the zappy mining gun, and blasts him with bright light.

He can't shut it off though, and they get everyone out of the mine before it overloads, and buries Yolin in the process.

Those monsters have weaponized the Care Bear Stare.

We wrap this up with one last cut to Arthur and the comic, as he freaks out and flings it outside to be done with it, after it does some weird shit to him.

So, was there a point besides padding to the reading the comic sequences? Why was every character someone from the comic? Is there a connection, or just no budget?

And while I’m asking questions, what were they digging for? Where was the Avatrix through most of the movie? Why are there so many questions?

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: Whuff, this one is a rough looking movie. Like I said, it’s dark. This falls in the “Well I’ve seen worse” but not by much.

Audio: There is some weird popping early on, but it eventually stops. Still, it’s just the wrong side of okay.

Sound Bite: “You have any idea where we are?" "Uhh, lost?"

Body Count: A solid average body count, at least.

1 - About 13 minutes in, Mister Talbert gets snapped apart, probably.

2 - Minion gets his neck snapped by a Venusian

3 through 6 all get shot in the head

7 - Shamara commits suicide

8 - Yolin snaps the neck of one of the townspeople.

9 - Maggarth gets zapped

10 - The cave in buries Yolin.

Best Corpse: Maggrath going all gooey from the zappy drill gun is pretty neat.

Blood Type - D+: There’s really almost no special effects to speak of, but there’s a few paintballs with the headshots, but nothing remarkable.

Sex Appeal: Shockingly, in a movie about Venusian Vixens trying to subjugate men, bent on them being seen and not heard, and brushing against kink, that…there is zero nudity anywhere in this.

Drink Up! every time they cut back to Arthur reading the comic.

Movie Review: This is yet another entry in the “Well gosh, there’s an idea here” that they just did not pull off. It’s also worth noting that yes, this is tongue in cheek, I hesitate to say it’s outright a spoof, or a comedy, because that would require it being FUNNY, but it is having a bit of a laugh at 1950s style scifi romps. I don’t think it quite hit that target though. But on that level, the story of a bunch of sexy alien babes trying to take over a town, with weird goings on, isn’t inherently a disaster. But there’s so much going on that’s not explained, and with the weird padding framing sequence that adds nothing, you could have used that time to actually develop a plot. Or at least found a way to tie the two threads together more. It’s not the worst, but it’s a bit meandering and murky, so two out of five zappy drill cannons.

Entertainment Value: There’s a bit more to be had here, since there’s a few good jokes here, especially with Frank’s deadpan “This is all just a normal town I see nothing wrong” schtick, as well as their attempt at roadside directions. The acting is all right for these sorts of movies, with just a hint of scenery chewing. Yolin is having a blast, and in fact, most of the characters seem to be having fun, and that helps the tone. It’s a bit of a mess though, and more of a slog than I’d like, but worth a few sensible chuckles. Two out of five warn beers from last decade.