Super Hell 3 (2014) — Triskaidekafiles

SUPER HELL 3

WRITER: Johny Walker

DIRECTOR: Johny Walker

STARRING?: Conrad Brooks as Himself/Satan

Robert Z'Dar as Granny Bob

John Link as Himself

Chris Braineater as Satan/Transvestite/Death

QUICK CUT: Conrad Brooks tries to get his rent money after becoming the new Satan.

THE MORGUE

I have no desire to try and summarise the characters that flit through this loose concept that makes glancing blows at a plot.

TRISK ANALYSIS: And so we have come to this, the third Super Hell movie. Following the previous two installments, a lot of questions have been thrown into the air, and surely the final part of the trilogy shall answer each and every one of them. ...Hahahaha, no. That would bring me joy.

I know normally the end of August is an anthology movie, but since I already did Tales from the Quadead Zone, I decided to finally wrap this series up instead. And the good news, this is only 45 minutes long.

We last left the series off with Conrad Brooks...actually, I don't even remember. Does it even matter?

Anyways, following the 3 minutes (!!) of recap, we get a dude telling us he's not in a movie WE are in the movie! And he's in real life!! Dude, whatever movie I'm in must be *boring as shit*.

He tells us he's been given the ultimate equation, and it says we are all doomef, dooooomed!

Huh. Never had a harbinger try and warn off the ACTUAL AUDIENCE before.

Then we get a skeleton (Is it the same one from the first movie? Oh why am I even asking...) and he introduces us to the latest chapter of Super Hell, the devil's dreams, written from the notes of the dead and the insane. WHICH EXPLAINS A LOT.

We do at least bring back Robert Z'Dar's "Granny Bob" from the first movie, and once again, he brings WAY more talent than this movie deserves. But it is very, very welcome.

Then we catch back up with Conrad Brooks as he's awoken by a 'vampire' and he's so put out, he pulls a gun on the guy. A gun he assures us is real no less than six times. It is totally not a toy gun.

And I'm already finding it hard to sum this up, because like the others it's just an endless stream of a scene of randomness followed by another. But after a few of those, including a frisbee game that ends in someone falling off a cliff (??) it's back to Conrad, in a whole new place, with a monster begging him for money.

Following more randomness, Conrad is prancing around with the heart of the devil, and now he's going to be the one in charge. Or something.

But then once again it's back to Granny Bob, who says he wants the heart of the devil, to consume and gain the powers of Super Hell, so hey, I think we stumbled upon a semblance of a plot!

Oh yeah, Jesus the Christ (as he calls himself) is in this movie too. So far, he's been talking about doing homosexual things, flagellating people, and powering a radio with his brain before killing a dude. So, y'know, normal things. Upside, the dude he kills turns into a hilarious dummy, so there’s that.

This was also the point in the movie I had to stop and collect myself because I just could not, when the guy who gets killed just shows up and grunts “UUUUNNNHHHH” at Jesus the Christ. What am I even doing here?

Conradistopholes wanders around, hitches a ride, and revels in being Satan, while more randomness happens, and a very offensive zombie king caricature of an African native, played by a white dude, tries to summon "the crazy man" to take his soul.

I honestly don’t even know who he was trying to summon? I think for a moment I thought it was Conrad, at least continuing the plot to gain the powers of the Devil.

Jesus urges Granny Bob to kill himself, but gets two bullets in the gut himself. The only thing that saves Jesus the Christ is that he's, y'know, Jesus.

You have foiled the plans of Rassilon for the last time, Doctor!

Luciconrad summons a creature, and tells him he doesn't want his new minion to be stupid, but unfortunately, he is in Super Hell 3, so stupid is kinda a requisite. Side note, I am sad that Blupo the Clown, while mentioned, never actually appeared in this movie.

Meanwhile, John Link takes his giant sack of cash and finds Beelzebrooks, so he can pay back the rent he owes him. Which is...arguably the central conflict of this entire movie, so I guess that's all wrapped up now.

Also of note, it is VERY VERY obvious that Conrad and Link were not in the same location at the same time, but the editing is so hilariously and obviously done, that I kinda love this one tiny moment.

I...I was joking about that being the end, but the movie genuinely decides to just stop there, as Conrad declares to an unseen woman, that he is, the devil! The Devil! THE DEVIL!!

And after the credits, there's another short film by Johny Walker, so that makes the movie's real runtime something like, 35 minutes. It is still somehow painfully long.

But thus ends our journey through Super Hell, where nothing happened, a lot happened, nothing mattered, and everything was made up.

Perhaps the real Super Hell was the movies we watched along the way.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It’s pretty bleh, but not the worst I’ve ever seen.

Audio: Pretty poor, but again, at least I can hear the dialogue.

Sound Bite: “Jesus the Christ needs no outlet!”

Body Count: I’m not even sure how many of the few deaths I did maybe catch actually count.

1 - 23 minutes and I guess John Link killed his lawyer by turning his brain to REDACTED

2 - Satan Brooks melted one of Granny Bob's minions brains.

3 - And then Jesus kills a dude.

4 - Vampire zombie Jesus comes back to life and kills Granny Bob

Best Corpse: The random guy Jesus kills, because that dummy slays me.

Blood Type - F: There’s really precious little blood here, and any effects are simple masks.

Sex Appeal: Do some of the boobs from previous movies during the lengthy recap count? Because that’s about it.

Drink Up! Every time you see stock footage of animals. I should not feel as bad about this in just a 40 minute movie, but there is a LOT of it.

Movie Review: I have described movies as being face punchingly bad. I have seen movies that make me question my life choices. And then there’s Super Hell, an entire SERIES of ‘movies’ that will make you question your very existence and the existence of God. This was a journey. I don’t know what was trying to be said, if anything. There’s something positively Sukenickian about these movies, and I do genuinely respect anyone who grabs a camera and makes their passion project. But I just do not get…this. SH3 is at least slightly less random and more focused than SH2, but by that same token, I do lament not having the utterly weird and out there big ideas of the first movie. Two out of five Eye Guys.

Entertainment Value: At the end of the day, the Super Hell movies are a random series of scenes collected together with only the barest attempt at a narrative. There’s JUST enough in big ideas and funny scenes that do captivate me, and at least the cast is VERY CLEARLY having a fucking blast, which definitely helps. It’s still not good, it’s incredibly pointless, but there’s just enough nuggets here that at least entertain me. Not enough to say you should still see it, but credit where it’s due. Two out of five hearts of Satan.