Krackoon (2010) — Triskaidekafiles

KRACKOON

WRITER: Jerry Landi

DIRECTOR: Jerry Landi

STARRING: Ken Champlin as Mayor Karl Denham

Joseph Ferri as Tommy Caputo

Sal Amore as Peter Rabbit

Erika Rethorn as Tasha Bellows

Albert Nicotina as Bill Stevens

Rosario Russo as Benny Balzone

Vincenzo Aliberti as Skippy

Tony Macchia as Chip Conroy

QUICK CUT: A young boy befriends a raccoon, and the pair of them go on adventures together.

THE MORGUE

Tommy - A young boy from the Bronx who has a rough home life, and spends as much time as possible down on the beach. He’s seeking somewhere to belong, friends, and is your average NYC kid.

Tasha and Bill - A pair of government scientific investigators charged with finding out what’s going on with the wild animals in the area. Tasha has a bit of an axe to grind with the local mob, and will stop at nothing to put an end to their ways. Bill is just kinda there.

Mayor Denham - Your average mayor. Affable, friendly, and seems to be doing his job. But he has a few skeletons in his closet, and crack up his nose.

Balzone - The local mob don, in charge of most crime in the area. But he’s got a good heart under all that gruff, and occasionally offers solid life advice, and rewards a job well done.

Chip - A hunter friend of the mayor’s who takes care of all the little animal problems they don’t want getting out. But he’s not about to shoot a kid.

That’s the living island the X-Men live on these days, yes?

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! I am still taking it light and weird and easy as summer gets going, and this week...well, I was going to go deep into Bloodmarsh Krackoon, but then I realised I had the ORIGINAL movie, which one could argue is not necessary, but since it's only an hour and change long, and it does set things up for the next movie, I decided to form this incredly long sentence and start things off with the more simply titled "Krackoon".

Oh, and if this all sounds familiar, it’s because I did a quick “What I’m Watching” review of it, and decided it was worth doing a full review of. Don’t worry, that’s still in the works!

The movie opens up with two members of the local goon squad meeting up late at night, and talking about taking potshots at the wamprats...er, raccoons, down by the shore. They've also been tasked with getting some drugs back from Joey Blowjob, or the money he owes.

Figuring there's nothing he can do, Joey swallows the drugs in a condom to make a run for it. Unfortunately, the mooks show up before he can bolt, and end up killing him dead.

They stuff his corpse in a bag, and dump him in the water. Because they're not so great at their jobs, the body finds its way to the beach, and one of those racoons finds her way to it.

So the wee beastie tears into the bag, the drug addict, the condom, and eventually gets a nice tasty snack of crack.

We briefly meet the Caputos as they listen to the local news talking about the state of their town, which ain't good. They're your typical couple who married too young, and aren't quite in love, but staying together is easier.

But then there's their son, Tommy, who stumbles upon and somehow befriends, with the help of some pizza, the titular Krackoon.

Once Tommy has made his new friend, we jump over to a town meeting to discuss what to do about, well, any number of a host of problems. But specifically, some scientists have been called in to try and deal with the raccoons running rampant.

There's also a reporter there asking about the local mob boss, named Walter Paisley...hey, I know that name!

I know Dick Miller, and you sir, are NO Dick Miller!

After the meeting adjourns, the mayor heads home to do some lines of coke, which uh, the actor is a little TOO good at setting up. But I digress.

That's when that local mob boss, Benny Balzone, shows up and we learn that gasp surprise, he and the mayor are working together to covertly buy up and develop the town.

Once he leaves, the mayor calls in his goon Peter, and has him grab Skippy to go keep an eye on the two government scientists, to make sure they don't find anything. And to take care of them, if they do.

We cut to the scientists after a chat with Petey and Skippy, and Tasha has discovered that Balzone has been dumping toxic waste all over the place. To make a long story not as long, he's buying up the land to try and cover his dumping with a condominium project.

They’ve been dumping cranberry juice illegally!

Pete and Skippy are watching, and that's when Skippy gets attacked by a raccoon puppet. He fights with himself, loses, and the puppet chews out his throat.

While the raccoon chomps down on some Skippy peanut blooder, Pete runs off like the coward he is. Not yet sated, the raccoon then moves on and tears off Tasha's face.

Its bloodlust still not sated, it goes for the other scientist, and rips his guts out, leaving quite the mess. I thought raccoons were clean?

Pete ends up at the mayor's door, freaking out, and describes the creature that attacked them. He ends up landing on the title of the movie when he says it was some krackoon.

With all the descriptions we get of this creature, and I get all they got is a puppet, and you don't wanna ruin things too much, it is a shame we never get a good look at the thing. Because at least ONE good look at this big, mangy, bulging eyed thing with a bone sticking out of it would have sold this whole thing.

So the mayor calls his hunting buddy Chip, to come take care of the local krackoon problem without raising too much noise.

Redeye makes its way to Tommy's house, so the kid can help it dispose of the body. I'm only sort of joking. Obviously not the REAL reason, but when Tommy picks up a severed hand, it is what ends up happening.

I need you to get rid of that guy’s arm!

So Tommy disposes of the evidence in the sound, and the krackoon immediately slaughters a random jogger for breakfast.

Following that, Chip arms up and starts his hunt. He hits the beach and wanders around, shining his light on various dead things.

But then we jump back to Tommy's parents arguing about money, when the kid comes home. He packs up his stuff to run away, and goes to sleep on the bench where he found Redeye.

While the kid is there, Chip shows up and wakes him up to tell Tommy to shoo, there's a dangerous animal and he's not safe.

The pair of them have a kinda sorta moral relativistic argument, and somehow the kid makes good points.

Chip calls the mayor that he's got a bit of a problem, and he heads down to the beach to see what the big deal is.

The mayor says hey, just shoot the thing, and we can go home, and be done with all this. But Chip actually has a vestige of a soul, and isn't about to shoot the kid standing between him and his target.

Mayor Karl has fewer compunctions, so when Chip refuses, the mayor happily shoots his supposed friend on the back of his head.

When he turns his gun on Tommy, the krackoon protects his new friend, and provider of tasty pizza.

Tommy heads home with his new attack dog, and runs into his dad. Before he can lay a hand on his kid, the krackoon swoops in for another meal.

And just to finish the job, when mom walks in hearing all the screaming, Redeye takes care of her too.

So the pair of them pack up, and with Tommy having picked up an envelope full of money that Balzone paid to the mayor, and got dropped on the beach, they ride off into the sunrise.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It looks fine, nothing great. I wish the dark, where the krackoon lives, was a bit easier to see, but aside from that, fine.

Audio: It has that no budget recorded with a mic sitting somewhere in the room sound to it, but it could be worse.

Body Count: You know, for an hour long, it has it’s share of carnage to it.

1 - Sevenish minutes in, and Jimmy Blowjob gets beaten to death by the goon squad.

2 - Skippy gets chewed on

3 - Tasha gets her face ripped off.

4 - Bill gets his insides eaten out

5 - Random jogger gets Krackooned

6 - Mayor kills Chip with a gun

7 - And then he gets attacked by Kracky

8 - Caputo sics Redeye on his dad

9 - And his mom is next

Best Corpse: Probably not whom you might expect, but I think I’m gonna go with Tasha. The krackoon rips her face off, you’re not expecting it, and the effect is pretty solid.

Blood Type - C+: There’s quite a bit of blood, the makeup effects on the multiple face rippings are nicely done. The score would be higher, but I take points away for your chief monster being a stuffed animal.

Drink Up! Every time there’s a raccoon PoV shot.

Movie Review: For what this is, it’s honestly not bad. The plot is straightforward, well constructed, and coherent. All good things. It’s obvious failings are that it’s a no budget movie. But we never hold that against a movie, if we’re entertained and everything else is fine. The acting could be better, but it’s good enough in places. It’s got a great sense of humour, and as long as you can accept a stuffed animal killing people, it’s all right. It’s hard to be too harsh on a movie that’s only 62 minutes, and you never feel like your time has been wasted. Three out of sippy cups of cocaine.

Entertainment Value: There’s some clever dialogue here, and some good back and forths. Maybe it tries too hard at times for Tarantino style dialogue, but it still has some good energy too it. Tommy has some fun lines talking with Redeye. It’s an amusing film that has just enough charm in its tank. The kills are the most impressive thing about it, and in the context of everything else, rather shocking. Again, nicely done. Absolutely not gonna be everyone’s cuppa, but for an hour, it’s entertaining enough, and the concept is unique enough, that it’s worth your time. Three out of five slices of pizza.