Fatal Exam (1990) — Triskaidekafiles

FATAL EXAM

WRITER: Jack Snyder

DIRECTOR: Jack Snyder

STARRING: Mike Coleman as Nick Krader

Terry Comer as Roger Ellington

Carol Fitzgerald Carlberg as Dana Krader

Paul Steger as Dave

Gilio Gherardini as Stephen Hughes

QUICK CUT: A professor gives his class a difficult challenge for their final exam, and some of them wash out of his class.

THE MORGUE

Nick - Your very average normal guy, who is just trying to get through college and finish his exams.

Roger - Nick’s friend, and dating Dana. He’s a bit more of a jokester, and he always has a yoyo as a bit of business.

Dana - Nick’s sister, who we find out in a useless bit of exposition that she’s been a bit closed off since a relative passed away.

Dave - The group’s tech genius, very analytical, and very much a sceptic. He handles all their tech, and ends up getting drawn into the mystery of things.

Students are dying to get into this class.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! It's time for the second of two college slashers this month, and this is...a weird one. It's called Fatal Exam, and I got it in a boxed set with Winterbeast and Beyond Dream's Door. Consider that a warning. This is also a LONG one, hitting almost the two hour mark, which makes it definitely one of, if not the, longest movies I've ever Trisked. So since there's a lot to get to, put your pens down, and get ready for Fatal Exam.

It begins with an opening dream where Nick hears pounding on his door, and finds a strange man standing there with a bloody sword, who challenges him to an epic staring contest.

From there, it's straight on to class. Straight, by way of breakfast, and a chat in the halls, and a long drive.

We meet Nick's sister Dana, and her boyfriend Roger, who is playing with a yoyo. It's his Thing. He plays with it a lot. And I am sure there will be some epic payoff at some point.

But finally, Professor Hughes starts his parapsychology class, and he has a proposal for the class, with a very unique fatal...er, final exam.

He tells the class about Malcolm Nostrand, who killed his family one day, and the house has entered into local folklore as being haunted. So pack up your things, kids! The Simpsons are going to Bly Manor!

The teacher goes on and on, and there's something about the way he's delivering this history that just feels like a magician spinning a story to set the stage.

So the weekend comes, and our trio pack up to make the long drive out to the Nostrand place. Oh, and Roger brought a gun. This can't possibly end badly.

And it is another long series of scenes of driving, and scenery, and walking. It is nearly 20 minutes in, nothing has happened, and we are just now reaching the Nostrand house.

They start checking out the place, wonder if there's running water, and someone makes the comment, "Where there's electricity, there's running water" and look. I can PERSONALLY assure you that is 100% not true. Long story.

While everyone starts setting up, Nick and his sister go exploring, heading straight for the master bedroom. They find above the bed a portrait of Malcolm, who is the spitting image of the robed and besworded figure that's been haunting Nick's dreams. Huh, this is fine. No red flags here.

So we wander through a lot of bland white rooms with everything covered in bland white sheets, at a passing attempt to establish geography. This could have been so much more interesting, but the rooms are barely furnished. I feel like it’s a long string of, “So this is a room! Anyways!”

The one notable thing is, in Malcolm's daughter's room, there is a dollhouse that's very intricate and detailed. I mean, it's not a mode of the house they’re staying in, but it's still neat.

So they head back to the room where the equipment is being set up, we get a layout of where cameras and mics are gonna go, and then decide, hey! Let's go check out the basement! Because that always ends well!

You guys go, I'm gonna stay here and watch an episode of the X-Men cartoon.

Once they're down in the basement, Nick makes a curious observation; the lightbulbs don't just work, they ALL work, none of them are burned out, and they're not even dusty. Which, to be quite frank, is the weakest evidence of something hinky going on.

So they get stuff set up, and discuss if they think they'll actually find anything. Nick comes to the conclusion that they're either gonna find something, or this will be a wasted weekend. To which Roger retorts, there's no such thing as a wasted weekend.

I am just here to disprove this entire movie, huh?

So everyone goes to sleep, because sure, that's what this movies needs, people sleeping, taking a breather from this breakneck pace.

Fortunately, one of the other students who joined the project wakes up, and eventually checks out the coffee table he's sleeping next to. And inside the cabinet, he finds a severed head staring at him!

His ensuing freakout is GREAT, and a definite highlight of the movie so far, as he tries to convince everyone there's a head in the coffee table, going on and on that the ghost gonna get his ass next.

Nick checks it out, and instead of a real head, what he discovers inside is just a styrofoam head, like you would store a wig on.

Eventually, the Poor Man's Reb Brown calms down, and everyone goes back to sleep. ...Oh, that insult feels mean.

Oh yeah. THAT is why I was so adamant about doing the movie right now.

Once everyone wakes up, they notice two of their number are missing, supposedly gone to get more butane for their cook stove, so no one gets too suspicious. And quite frankly, if I hadn't been told two people had just up and left the plot, I wouldn't have even noticed, they're so underdeveloped.

While Dave jogs through six hours of video and audio to see if he captured anything, the rest of the crew search the house. Again. Roger declares, this is boring, and hey. You said it, not me.

So half the group starts sitting around staring at a tv screen, while Nick and Roger talk about his sister, and they get on the subject of being available, and emotional attachments, and don't care, don't care.

DO SOMETHING.

Fortunately, Nick finds a message scratched in the bottom of a drawer, saying Malcolm is a murderer, and something about a chest in the attic, so they go check it out.

Once up in the attic however, they find absolutely nothing noteworthy, no chest whatsoever. All they find is boxes and more boxes and even more boxes.

Meanwhile, Dave has found some interesting stuff on the footage, of an eerie figure wandering the house while they were all asleep.

Uh oh, looks like you've got an infestation of Time Lords.

Up in the attic, Nick does eventually find a painting, and it's packed with details, and is quite bizarre. They do take note that it seems to include an image of the house, as well as someone digging nearby. So it's off to find the spot, dig, and see what they find!

I will say this, I do like this strange painting, covered in symbolism, that they start using as a sort of map, or key. It's a pretty neat idea.

Of course, trying to find the x marks the spot leads to wandering around the lawn, lots of chatter, and eventually, they don't even dig. It's a colossal waste.

No funny caption, I just wanted to show off the painting for context.

They bump into another member of their party, and she's out looking for two OTHER people. Holy shit, did four whole people just...up and walk right out of the plot??

Oh, and that's when the house starts blinking. Because sure, why not at this point?

There's a lot of electrical interferences and blinking lights INside the house as well, as things slowly start to get weird. And it is most welcome.

When the house itself starts sending SOS signals, it’s time to leave.

We get some metaphysical mumbo jumbo about what is going on, some interdimensional being who discovers our reality. And when he pokes at it too hard, it causes a ripple and weird stuff. I’m being glib because I want stuff to happen, but I like this explanation of events, making the supernatural into science.

But then they remember hey, we recorded audio, let's check that out! and discovers the sound of a creaking and clanking metal door, right at midnight. And it corresponds to when the disturbances happened, and the strange figure appeared. As well as determining it came from the basement.

They're busy making plans when Dana is like, HOLD UP, are we gonna do nothing about the four people who just up and left the plot?? So they decided to split up, with one group going back to town, and the rest staying at the house to fuck around, and in case they show up.

Jim heads upstairs to get the portrait of Nostrand, so they can videotape it, and see if it does anything weird. Once he enters the room, he encounters a vision of Malcolm slaughtering his wife.

After the coffee table incident, it's natural that no one believes Discount Reb Brown, until Nick heads up the stairs and sees Nostrand there beckoning him to come say hi.

Following that, Nick is like, "nope no no nope no nope" and decides to leave. Most everyone is on board, but Dave has become super curious and clicks to learn more like he's in Starship Troopers. And of course, once he decides to stay, others do to, for strength in numbers.

While they debate, Dave just keeps going into the cooler, and downing can after can after can of Pepsi, to the point where he opens the next can before even taking the sip out of the one he just set down.

Dude loves Pepsi almost as much as my dad did, but I digress...

And that's when two of our missing canon fodder finally return. And they returned with a whole basket of exposition, as they explain how they did research on the place, and determined that the painting shows the sacrifices being made on May 26th. Hey! That's today!

But now it is FINALLY time to go check out the basement, and they discover someone has been digging and uncovered a hatch. And since it's off camera most of the time, and doesn't REALLY go anywhere, and is never filmed with anyone, it is THE least convincing hole.

And while they're playing in the basement, several of the students head back into town, because they are done with all this bullshit.

Nick ducks out to grab some flares from his car, and while he's gone, a figure dressed in a black cloak and wielding a scythe pops out of a closet, terrorising those left in the basement.

By the time Nick returns, Dave has been killed, and Dana and Roger have disappeared. The hatch is also closed, and locked, so there's nowhere for Nick to go.

Meanwhile, the others come across the car the others were driving to get out of the movie, but they're nowhere to be found. And long story short, the second couple who went missing killed them, and take out the other two they have with them this time. Because they're both in on whatever is going on. Honestly, a solid twist.

Nick spends a lot of time sitting around the house, doing nothing, saying nothing, and just staring, because this movie does not know what pacing is.

He eventuallly decides to brave the upstairs again, and risk running into Nostrand. Because I guess ghosts don't know how to stairs.

But he comes back across the dollhouse and ooooohhh! THAT attic! There's a chest there! With a note! This movie could have been over an hour ago if only someone had checked there!

The notes lead to even more exposition, as Sid returns, and Nick fills him in on where the medallion came from, how it put Nostrand in touch with a demon, as they do, and how it led to blah blah blah.

HEY NICK WANNA CHECK OUT MY NEW SACRIFICIAL DAGGER AND MURDER CLOAK??

Sid reveals his true self, Nick barricades himself in one of the rooms, and asks why. And the answer is simple. Power. And to make a really long story not quite as long, the medallion fell into Professor Hughes' hands, and he is murdering students to feed the demon that power, which will then be shared with Hughes and his minions. Worst. Extra credit. Ever.

He threatens Dana, which makes Nick open the door so we can get some actual action up in this bitch.

Sid rams his dagger into the door on accident, and the fight eventually leads to him impaling his neck, and taking care of at least one problem.

Which is when Scythe Guy shows up to chase Nick out of the house and into nightfall. And after a whole lotta running, we double back on the house, after taking out the reaper with a shovel.

Nick grabs Chekov's gun, and heads down into the hatch, thanks to a set of keys he found on Sid. Ahh, convenient.

After way WAY too much time wandering the tunnels alone, another Scythe Guy appears, and attacks Nick. He loses the gun in the process, and gets carried off to the ceremony room.

I’m gonna hug him, and squeeze him, and name him George

They tie Nick up to one of the sacrificial X's live Wolverine, and we get more questions directed at Hughes wanting to know the why of it all. And again, power. Nick must have been BAD in class if this is how well he pays attention and retains information.

Nick points out that Hughes is being used, and tries to sow seeds of doubt that there won't be any power coming from the demon. Instead, the demon will keep all the power for himself. What? A demon...THAT LIES??? The shock of it all.

This angers Hughes, and he has his discytheples cut him do...WHY DID WE TIE HIM UP IF WE'RE ONLY GOING TO LET HIM DOWN FIVE SECONDS LATER?? This movie goes in circles even when standing still.

Nick fights back once he's free, taking out two of the discytheples...hey, do they count as sacrifices?? Oh never mind.

Looks like you brought a scythe to a gunfight, pal.

He hurries back to the chamber with the gun, and before Hughes can sacrifice Roger to his demon friend, Nick instead shoots the professor.

Which hey, I guess DOES count as a sacrifice, because the demon shows up to have a little chat and to try and seduce Nick. Not like that!!

Nick is having none of that though, flings the medallion away, and the demon says FINE and takes his ball and goes home.

Once our heroes leave the scene, Stacy, who largely went unnoticed by everyone, sneaks back in, grabs the medallion, and sends it off to a senator who has been mentioned a handful of times, and is running for President. Where's Johnny Smith when you need him??

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It’s VinSyn, so they do the best job they could with the source material. I feel like I want it to be better, but I can’t complain.

Audio: It all sounds pretty good, and some of the more supernatural effects may sound fakey, but I kinda like that touch, like they don’t belong.

Sound Bite: "More like telepathetically in your case"

Body Count: It’s got a nice amount of bodies, I just wish I cared about half of them more.

1 - ONE WHOLE HOUR and we get first murder, in a vision of Nostrand hacking has wife

2 - Dave gets stabbed

3 - not Reb Brown gets stabbed a lot

4 - and the girl gets her throat slit

5 - Sid gets a sword in the neck

6 - Scythe Guy gets shot

7 - Scythe Guy #2 gets shot as well

8 - Nick shoots the teacher

Best Corpse: I gotta say, Sid is the most satisfying of all these, and the sword through the neck is a decent effect.

Blood Type - C: It’s got a nice amount of blood, but nothing that really stands out.

Drink Up! Every time there is a staring contest.

Movie Review: I genuinely want to love this movie. There is a lot here I like, there’s a lot here I WANT to like. I genuinely think there’s a lot of good ideas here, and sincere creativity. But the final product does leave a lot to be desired. It’s way too long, by at least 30 minutes. If the movie wants to be this long, they could have developed the characters better. I truly don’t know half their names, and two characters are in it so little you wouldn’t know they were gone if someone didn’t tell you, and they make up two deaths that happen entirely off camera. I love the use of the painting, a lot of thought went into that. The plot is intriguing, just not executed as well as it could have been. And the entire subplot with the presidential candidate feels like a half-baked afterthought that also could have been better developed. But there’s enough there that I dig, it just needs to be trimmed down a lot. Three out of five yo yos.

Entertainment Value: I love how the characters we do get to know, all have their quirks. There’s a sincerity to the movie that makes it feel natural, in a way. The acting is good in places, and when it’s not, it’s at least fun and entertaining, like Jim’s freakout over the head. There’s a strange quality to this movie that leaves you scratching your head, for good and ill if I’m being honest. Not quite the dream logic of Beyond Dream’s Door, but there’s a similar feeling to that here. Edit this down, or remake it with more focus, it just might be something. It’s an intriguing experiment that takes some swings, and I appreciate it for that. Three out of five cans of Pepsi.