Killer Raccoons! 2! Dark Christmas in the Dark (2020)

KILLER RACCOONS! 2! DARK CHRISTMAS IN THE DARK

WRITER: Travis Irvine

DIRECTOR: Travis Irvine

STARRING: Yang Miller as Casey Smallwood

James Myers as Jones

Zach Riedmaier as Dr. Billington

Mitch Rose as Ranger Rick Danger

Ervin Ross as Double A

Colin Scianamblo as Reverend Pookie

Briscott Stevenson as Jeff Tuck

Evelyn Troutman as Darlene Bean

Drew Ullman as Agent Charlesworth

QUICK CUT: Ten years after being convicted for drunk driving, Ty Smallwood is released from prison, and runs into some old friends on the train ride home.

THE MORGUE

Casey - The college student formerly known as Ty, after being arrested for underage drinking and spending ten years in jail, he returns to us now a changed actor…er, changed man. He’s tough, he’s determined, he’s soft spoken.

Darlene - The sister of Casey’s girlfriend who was murdered ten years ago by raccoons. She connected with Casey and is eager to learn the truth of what happened. She’s a tough girl who won’t take any shit, and ready to tase anyone who tries too handsy, with the shock you don’t fuck with.

Rick Danger - The former ranger, not really dead, and out for revenge upon the system that betrayed him and left him for dead.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! And so, it all comes to this, the final movie in my "killer raccoons" series of reviews; Killer Raccoons 2: Dark Christmas in the Dark. Since they wisely gave the movie a better title, and it might not be IMMEDIATELY obvious, this is a sequel to the movie I reviewed over the summer, Coons! Night of the Bandits of the Night.

Also, I am going to get this out of the way right off the bat - this is a straight up parody of Under Siege 2. Yes. A raccoon filled parody of the classic adjacent Steven Seagal movie, Under Siege 2. So, all aboard!

The movie opens up at a prison, where Ty Smallwood is finally being released from prison, after serving out his sentence for drunk driving in the first flick. His walls are covered with angry yelling at raccoons, and just to let you know this is a Christmas movie, the guard releases him with a hearty, "Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!"

And the credits roll over as a space station shaped like a dick and balls floats above the planet and we learn it is being manned by raccoons, that are being controlled from a base in Independence. The Secretary of State, the town's former mayor, is running the project from there.

We watch as the humans contact the PEN15...sigh...satellite, meet Agent Woman, and Agent Charlesworth returns from the dead and the first movie, now wearing an eyepatch. They use "shriek command codes" that translate human speech commands into something the space raccoons can understand, and enact their orders.

They use this satellite to...spy on naked women. That is sophomoric. And tasteless. Yes, the old jokes are back too!

With a successful test run completed, the government employees go their separate ways, but not before Mayor Secretary of State mentions there was a break in at the military base built over the ashes of the campground, where raccoons, weapons, and supplies were stolen from. The only clue left behind was a note that said "Shitsnakes!". Boy it sure is a good thing Ranger Danger was torn apart by raccoons and his body never recovered at the end of the first movie!

Awww, he's got cute widdle aluminum foil gloves on his thieving widdle paws!

Back in Independence, Ty arrives in town and meets up with Shane, the ridiculously gay deputy ranger from the first movie. But he's no longer gay, because he went through conversion therapy and is now Christian, saying the only thing he's gay for now is Jesus. The only upside to this is that he is less of a caricature of gayness. But at what price?

So Ty reveals that he changed his name in prison, because he was worried he could be beaten up in prison. Now he is...Casey Smallwood. This is a joke that will be repeated for the next 90 minutes, along with how his name means Small Penis. And yes, that is Casey as in Rybeck, Seagal's Under Siege chef.

Ty...er, sorry CASEY can't stick around though, he has to catch the last train to Clarksville, er Washington DC, and meet his girlfriend at the station. Oh, the girl is also the sister of the woman he lost his virginity to in the first movie, and was then murdered by raccoons in the first and only act of coonus interuptus.

So Casey heads to the station to catch the 911 train to DC, and "never forget the 911 train is now boarding". Oh geeze.

We spend some time getting everyone on board the train, and into place, including a bunch of other old faces from the first movie; Jones, Reverend Pookie, Dr. Billington...pretty much everyone. And they're all wearing eyepatches. Because why not?

Most of them, excluding Charlesworth, are working together with the raccoons, to stop and board the train, for a diabolical plot we'll get to later.

Elsewhere on what is supposed to be a train car, but looks a lot more like someone's attic apartment, Casey and Darlene try and catch up, and it's super awkward as they keep mentioning her dead sister, in those exact terms.

This office Christmas party is pretty rock...wait this is a train??

While Jones and his raccrew work to get the tracks blocked to force the train to stop, the porter hits on Darlene, which ends with him getting tased. He falls to the ground because it's THE SHOCK YOU CAN'T FUCK WITH! The old hits keep hitting.

Meanwhile, Casey is jotting down some notes, something he might turn into a screenplay, about when he lost his virginity, the girl was devoured by raccoons, and then a whole bunch of other people...and he gets laughed at and told "that sounds like a fucking shitty movie". Hey, you said it, not me.

As Casey tries to convince the kitchen staff he's allergic to nuts, the train comes upon the trash covered tracks and screeches to a halt. The engineer and his co...engineer? Co pilot? What is he even called? Eh, whatever. They get out to have a talk with Pookie to see what the problem is...and get murdered by little raccoon friends.

Blood gets splattered everywhere, and they even bring back the Censor to complain about all the violence. And again he gets mowed down in a hail of tiny bullets.

The evil crew of evil board the train and take it over, with more than a few deaths. Casey leaps up and starts punching raccoons to start saving the day.

And that's when (former) Ranger Rick Danger appears, with his own eyepatch, because I guess dead people who aren't dead wear eyepatches.

Please keep being stupid please don't be racist please keep just being stupid please don't be racist...

The Dead Squad reveal themselves to Charlesworth, and what this is all about. Danger reveals he knows all about the top secret satellite operated by raccoons and the shriek command codes... ...I need a second... uh, he knows about that, and he wants the codes that Charlesworth and Agent Woman know, so they can hack into it and take the PEN15 over for their own purposes.

Casey sneaks around the train fighting raccoons and avoiding detection, while Danger and his men torture Charlesworth for his codes. Once they have what they came for, they murder him and Agent Woman, tossing them off the train.

Eventually, Casey runs into Double A, and they slip in the expected Snakes on a Plane reference, so points for that. They also establish Double A is the guy who hit the mama raccoon ten years ago.

To prove the might of his new toy to his prospective buyers, Rick uses the PEN15 satellite to destroy Cannes as a demonstration. And for the low low cost of one gazillion dollars, Danger shall destroy a secret military bunker beneath the Denver airport.

With their new weapon stolen, Mayor Secretary calls in the top brass to loop them in. And the lead general is played by Ron Jeremy, probably for the sole reason he can make a joke that he's "seen bigger" when he sees the PEN15 satellite.

Meanwhile, Double A teaches Casey how to use a cellphone, so he can go find Double A's phone, and use it to contact Shane, and get help.

He makes some noises that draws the attention of the racoon goons, and after a brief fight, Casey gets a tiny machine gun of his own. Since he’s a living weapon, forged in the fires of prison, he hands it to AA to use.

Casey sneaks around some more, and makes his way to the engine. He confronts a few more raccoons, and he gets shot by a sniper raccoon, falling off the train. And all the people who were believed dead now believe Casey to be dead.

But, he manages to cling to the wheels, and make his way back to A-Train. He sees Casey was hit, and they make a joke about how the raccoons have such tiny guns with tinier bullets, it's a wonder anyone has died at all.

Jones finds the smartphone, and they find the message Casey sent Shane. And since Casey signed it as Casey but this is really Ty, they now know who is monkeywrenching their plans.

They check the passenger list and see that Casey had a plus one, and go looking for Darlene. While they work to find her, Casey hits the kitchen and grabs some fireworks he found earlier, and mixes them around until they are all merged into one mega firework.

...Look, this is not the most ridiculous thing this movie has done so far, okay?

Casey uses the megafirework to kill a raccoon, and in the ensuing chaos, Double A steals the golden VHS tape that has the shriek codes recorded onto it, so Danger can't access it. See? Already more ridiculous.

He runs into a raccoon and the pair fall off the train. Pookie stops the train so they can retrieve the tape.

Hold on tight to that green screen curtain!

With the train stopped, Double A makes a run for it, with the videotape. Billington and a raccoon give chase, careful to not shoot and destroy the tape. Another raccoon rappels down the cliff face to try and get the tape from Casey, but he is no match for the stabby guy, and Casey uses the rope to get back to the train tracks.

Unfortunately, Deviant Art dropped the tape on the tracks, and Jones finds it. The Deadheads get back on the train, and it takes off before Casey can get abaord.

It feels like that's the end of the line for him, until one last character returns from the dead; Tuck. Saying hey, if everyone else gets to come back...why not me?? And yeah, okay, that tracks.

I return to you now, at the turning of the tide!

The duo hops on a handcart that Tuck has, and tries to catch up to the train, while Shane calls the military to warn them about everything. Even though they already know. And they restate the plot of the movie again. This uh, this movie does that a lot. Are y'all getting high and forgetting what's going on?

Back on the train, Jones is informing Darlene of Casey's demise, and she kicks him in the balls. Or she would, if raccoons hadn't chewed them off a decade ago. I...okay I appreciate the continuity.

Casey gets on board, and snaps Billington's neck, as he declares that he's dead...for real now! Which is possibly the funniest running gag this movie has.

Back with Danger, he gets paid his gazillion dollars, so the plan to smoke Colorado is on. Before doing so, he switches the train to another track, and now instead of Washington DC, they are heading straight for Washington Canyon, which is an unused, damaged track, that will send everyone to their fiery deaths.

Things go from bad to worse, as Danger shoots down the planes that were scrambled to destroy the train. It gets so bad that General Ron calls the president. And oh my god...

Military trained Raccoons, but Bernie is president? That sounds like a fair trade.

Casey and A-Dubs make their way through the train to the passenger car, where they open fire and take out as many raccoons as possible.

He then reveals to the bad guys he's on the train, and coming for them. Jones decides to take matters into his own hands, and leaves Danger to finish the job of making Denver the Mile Die City.

Jones takes Darlene with him to use as a hostage, and hands her a live grenade sans pin to keep her from causing any trouble. And then the long awaited fight ensues between Jones and Casey.

I’m sure they’ll iron out their differences.

This is the most ridiculous fight I've ever seen. But Casey eventually gets the upper hand and snaps Jones' neck. For real.

They make their way to the Ranger Danger room, where Rick is clutching his VCR protectively, and prepares to leave the train before it takes a long ride of a short bridge.

Darlene tosses the grenade, thinking it will kill them all, since they're dead anyways, and might as well save Colorado while they're at it. But weirdly enough, it only blows up the desk of computers, and not much else.

You can have my physical media when you claw it out of my cold, dead hands.

With his VHS tape, Danger feels safe from, uh, danger, and killing him won't do anything, because...reasons? Anyways, Casey accidentally shoots Rick...THROUGH the VCR, taking the bad guy, the VCR *and* the video tape out, all at once.

This restores control of the PEN15 to the government, and they initiate self destruct, taking it, and its raccoon crew out.

Our heroes jump off the train to Tuck's handcart just in time, as the train goes over the cliff. Danger also survives, clinging to the cliff edge. He manages to crawl up to the ground, as the train burns behind him.

But before he can try and gain the upper hand, Tuck's cart, still careening down the tracks, smashes into Ranger Danger, sending him over the edge of the canyon and into the fiery pit below him, where he dies. For real this time.

A-Dog notices a van off on the side of the road, which Danger probably left there to make his getaway. But there's a raccoon behind the wh...oh no, Darlene took care of that guy pretty quick, never mind.

Casey, now deciding to go by Ty, calls the military base to let them know it all worked out okay, and so we can wrap this movie up.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: Pretty rock solid. And if it was anything other than that, for a 2020 movie, we would have Words.

Audio: Just as good as the video.

Body Count: It takes awhile to get going, but the raccoons get trigger happy, and it’s murderously adorable.

1 - 23 minutes and the raccoons take out an engineer

2 - And his buddy right after.

3 - And then yet another censor dies.

4 - And then they gun down Santa

5 - The raccoons murder the chef

6 - The sous chef is next to eat lead

7 - Colingsworth gets shot off the train

8 - Jones tosses Agent Woman off the train

9 - Ty snaps the neck of Billington

10 - I'm sure the pilot of one of the planes died when it was shot down by the satellite.

11 - And the second pilot definitely goes boom

12 - Casey snaps Jones' neck...for real.

13 - Rick Danger gets accidentally shot by Casey, then falls into flames in the canyon

14 - Reverend Pookie sails off to his death over the canyon

And a whole buncha raccoons.

Best Corpse: Ranger Danger’s death is the most notable and satisfying.

Blood Type - C+: We get a bunch of splats here and there, but they’re all cgi/photoshop. Points for effort, though.

Drink Up! Every time you hear, “I’m dead…for real!”

Movie Review: You gotta take this for what it is; a comedic parody of an action movie. And it succeeds fairly well at that. It reimagines the plot of Under Siege 2, and actually doesn’t break it too much. This somehow…works? I mean, for a plot in a universe with military trained raccoons and penis satellites. It has several good jokes in it, the action is decent enough, although naturally, nothing that will really capture your mind as an action set piece. It’s serviceable, and that’s what you expect from a film of this type. The only thing I didn’t really care for was one overly annoying character, which I guess we gotta have since we normalised Shane, but they also keep making awkward jokes about things being “rape culture” and “the patriarchy” which feels like it’s trying to make light of genuine issues, and that doesn’t sit well with me. Three out of five weak ass grenades.

Entertainment Value: …I kinda love this ridiculous movie. It’s not a classic, but my gods did I have a good time with it. The audacity of…damned near everything. To bring back this franchise after 10 years or whatever, bring back most of the cast, AND try and make it all into an Under Siege parody? AND IT WORKS?? And it has some good laughs?? Yeah, I had a lot of fun here, taking it for what it is. Ranger Danger transitions SO seamlessly to a slimy villain, it almost feels planned, and the actor, heck most of the actors, seem to be having a blast, and are just so game for everything. This movie knows what it is, what it wants to do, and pulls it off. Four out of five golden VHS tapes.