Triskaidekafiles

Triskaidekafiles is a love letter to cheesy cinema from the 80s and 90s, with the occasional dip into other eras.  if you're a fan of MST3K, Elvira, Joe Bob Briggs, or just bad horror movies in general, Trisk is the place for you.

Horror Express (1972)

HORROR EXPRESS

WRITERS: Julian Zimet and Arnaud d’Usseau

DIRECTOR: Eugenio Martin

STARRING: Christopher Lee as Alexander Saxton

Peter Cushing as Doctor Wells

Alberto de Mendoza as Pujardov

Silvia Tortosa as Irina

Julio Pena as Mirov

Jorge RiGaud as Count Petrovski

Helga Line as Natasha

Alice Reinheart as Mrs. Jones

Juan Olaguibel as Creature

Telly Savalas as Kazan

QUICK CUT: Someone just trying to get home takes a trip on a train, meets new people, and learns a lot of new things along the way.

THE MORGUE

Alexander Saxton - A scientist who is very much in the amorally grey vein of things. He’s more about getting science done, acquiring knowledge, and consequences be damned. But he does have a sense of right and wrong at the end of the day.

Dr. Wells - Saxton’s rival, in a friendly sort. You can tell they have spent years needling each other. He’s curious, and sometimes goes too far to get his answers.

Irina - A countess, and someone interested in the pursuit of knowledge, although she thinks some of it is immoral

Pujardov - A monk who is the counterpoint to all this science love, and is as much into religion as everyone else is into science.

Mirov - A police inspector on the train, who just wants people to stop dying, and for things to run smoothly.

Natasha - Apparently a spy, who gets too little explanation in this movie, so I wanted to give her a bit more of a shout out here.

Panic! at the Train Station

Panic! at the Train Station

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! If you are reading this, you are probably a fan of horror movies. You might even be a subscriber to Shudder. (And if not, you totally should be) And you might also be aware that they JUST dropped the second season finale of Creepshow, which *also* features the movie I'm going to be discussing, just to disprove, as someone says in the episode, "No one has ever seen Horror Express!!"

Now, I obviously have heard of the movie. And we all know many others have. I've seen it several times now. And it's been one I'd been meaning to share for awhile, because it's a great little movie. But it always got bumped for other things, and other reasons. But I knew Shudder would be adding the movie itself to their library this month, and in MY mind, it sounded like the perfect thing for Joe Bob Briggs to cover, and I wanted to do my best to get ahead of that, so it didn’t seem like I was copying them too much.

Imagine my pleasant surprise to find out it was ANOTHER show they had planned to use it with. But that is enough gushing over Shudder and my amazing planning and timing, let's get into this thing!

The movie opens up with Christopher Lee narrating about his responsibility in the upcoming tragedy, and don't be too hard on yourself man, you were in the Castle of Fu Manchu, this can't be worse than that!

Alexander Saxton is leading a troop through Szechuan, China, in the very early 1900s, hoping to uncover their secret sauce, or maybe an ancient mummy or two.

All work and no play make Jack a dull boy

All work and no play make Jack a dull boy

We jump from their to Shanghai, as he is trying to secure passage on the Orient Express, and meets Dr. Wells, as he is taking a break from STAR Labs.

Meanwhile, someone is breaking into Saxton's crate, and when next we see him, he's dead beside it, and his eyes have turned white.

The authorities find Saxton and have him come check on his things, and they find some Rasputin looking mother fucker freaking out in the area.

Russia’s greatest love machine.

Russia’s greatest love machine.

He's rambling about God and evil, and how you can always mark the cross on things that aren't evil, and when he tries to mark the crate, the chalk leaves no mark at all, proving that the crate, or at least the sheet is evil. And it's not even black!

So we get packed up, and everyone gets on the train, to get this thing going. As everyone settles in, Wells tries to bribe the baggage man to get him access to the crate.

We also keep hearing noises coming from the crate, which Saxton brushes aside, but he's gonna regret not paying them any attention.

Hey, you’re not Justin Long.

Hey, you’re not Justin Long.

There's also a woman without a ticket lurking around, who tries and use her feminine wiles to get passage with Wells and Saxton, who are bunking together, much to their mutual chagrin.

Meanwhile, the baggage man does his best to get inside the crate. He gets distracted briefly, and a beefy, hairy arm reaches out to finish the job, picking the lock.

The baggage man rushes over to lock him back in, locks eyes with the mummy, and ends up meeting the same fate as the thief.

Double razors ain’t gonna help if you haven’t shaved in two million years.

Double razors ain’t gonna help if you haven’t shaved in two million years.

With the baggage man missing, Inspector Mirov insists they open the box. Saxton makes to give hm the key, but then tosses it out the window.

One of Mirov's men grabs an axe, smashing through the locks. See, should have used Master locks, and you wouldn't have this problem.

Inside, they don't find the mummy, as the Two Million Year Old Man has gone missing, and instead find the white eyed corpse of the baggage man.

There he is, mystery solved, everyone go home!

There he is, mystery solved, everyone go home!

So the corpse is alive, and Mirov and his men search the train quietly, not wanting to spook anyone with Mel Brooks being on the train killing people.

Dinner is served, as it kills off another person, and seemingly escapes outside through a doorway. But in the dining car, Wells sees a baked fish, its eyes turned white, and the wheels begin to turn. He's turning the victims into FISH! ...What? No??

Mirov gathers Wells and his assistant to perform an autopsy on the newly dead soldier, and he finds the same white eyes, and an almost perfectly smooth brain.

Must be a Trump voter.

Must be a Trump voter.

Wells says the the normal wrinkles of the brain is where learning and memory are stored, and this smooth brain shows the memories have been removed. And I am pretty sure that is one of those scientific myths that has long since been debunked. Fair game for this time period, sure, but…

They finish up with the body, and once they leave, Mr. Fossil sneaks back in and fondles the dead man's brain. That's a choice, I guess.

Natasha sneaks off to use the facilities, but she seems nervous of all the police. She sneaks off to where the corpse is being kept, as well as the safe for expensive belongings, to steal the Countess' valuables. Unfortunately, this ends up with her as the next victim.

Must be one of the 12 Monkeys.

Must be one of the 12 Monkeys.

Wells gets worried when Natasha doesn't show up, and runs into the Fossil when he pokes his head into the room.

Mirov comes rushing in, and shoots the fossil dead again, and yay! I guess the movie's ov...what? Only halfway done? Okay.

The pair lock eyes and Mirov's brain starts to fry too, but fortunately, he murders the monster first.

He recovers in his room, and Saxton shows up, asking questions, and refers to Natasha as a spy. Because one of the other passengers somehow recognised her. How does this make sense?? Pretty bad spy, if you ask me. This Black Widow adaptation is horrible.

Saxton says they did another autopsy on her, more smooth brainedness, and they theorise that the beast can steal the knowledge from the people it locks eyes with, which tracks with it picking its lock after the lockpicker was killed, and now it's getting smarter and smarter.

They recover the item stolen by Natasha, and it's a piece of steel, created by the Count, stronger than diamond, but only he knows the formula.

Mirov says he killed the beast, and Rasputin just looks at him, knowing the beast is not dead. And I just bet he would know.

You think you killed it with bullets.  That’s cute.

You think you killed it with bullets. That’s cute.

Rasputin notices some oddities around Mirov too, confirming to him that the man is Satan, and now knows the devil walks the Earth. Or close enough for horseshoes and hand grenades.

Meanwhile, Saxton is poking at eyeballs and taking a look at the fluid inside them, revealing...images, and the last thing the creature saw as Mirov killed it. Oh wow, bringing out all the bad science here, huh?

So they take more samples, revealing more images, like dinosaurs, and eventually, the Earth as seen from space. So they now know the creature is incredibly old, and probably alien, and huh. I thought it crashed into Antarctica...

It was old enough to see dinosaur...pictures...in books!

It was old enough to see dinosaur...pictures...in books!

They show the countess, who shows Rasputin, and to make a long story short, he steals 'the eye of Satan" when the train goes through a tunnel, and runs off.

Mirov lurks around, and finds Mrs. Jones checking on the victims. She says there is a reward for the eye, and Mirov kills her.

All of this happens while Rasputin watches, then hands over the eye. Mirov quickly destroys it, while saying there's nothing worth killing Rasputin for.

Your mascara is running.

Your mascara is running.

Mirov kills the conductor to stop him from wiring ahead to have the train stopped, all while his puppy Rasputin follows behind him wanting to serve.

Saxton and Wells try and come up with a means to detect the creature, symptoms of the infection, and before anyone can say 'poke the blood with a heated bit of wire' they just look at their eyes.

Eventually Saxton finds the lack of conductor and unsent messages, and has word sent ahead finally of the murders. This catches the attention of a power hungry Kojack...er, Cossack. I must say, I don't really grok this character, and he could have been fleshed out more.

Who loves ya, baby?

Who loves ya, baby?

Mirov visit the engineer, the science kind not the train kind, and asks him about overcoming gravity. Seems the alien doesn't know how to travel himself, and is slowly gathering information to rebuild his spaceship. Once he has what he wants, another victim is had.

He then heads to Saxton and we get an exposition infodump explaining the plot thusfar, about the alien coming to Earth, and jumping from host to host. Oh wherever can he be.

Mirov makes his way to the Count's cabin, to steal his knowledge of steel, but before he can murderise him, the train stops and Kazan boards the train

HorrorExpressCap_00013.jpg

Cheating bitch…

There's a tense scene as Kazan tries to get answers, eventually interrupted by Rasputin, and after he gets whipped, Kazan asks Mirov why the monk was so protective of him.

While the questioning is going on, Saxton sneaks back to the light control, turning them down, revealing the red eyes of the creature. And next we get a fight with a pile of random bodies, and Mirov takes a knife to the back.

Rasputin spirits away his master, and as he dies, the monk begs for Satan to enter him, and continue his work. So he does!

Next time try Visine!

Next time try Visine!

Oh, brief aside, there's a detail I haven't mentioned, along with the investigation into the lights affecting the eyes, but anyone possessed by the creature gets a fuzzy left hand. This is...never explained. I'm sure it's all because of giving some sort of physical sign and a physical quirk for the actor to hide and act suspicious with, but it just kinda happens.

Rasputin tears through Mirov's men, and makes his way through the train.

Next, Rasputhing heads to the Count to finish what Mirov started and steal that knowledge. Saxton shows up before he can take out the Countess, and uses some lights to keep his eyes safe.

There was a cat that really was gone.

There was a cat that really was gone.

We get a bit more explanation on just what Rasputhing is, a form of energy, moving from body to body to survive, accidentally left behind on this planet. He tries to convince Saxton he can't kill the creature, he doesn't want to, the knowledge alone, the history it knows...

And it might be a tempting offer, but Rasputhing brings his victims back to life as drones. In the commotion, the lights break and the creature tries to strike.

I am not counting their redeaths, because I am allowed to make this decision.

They rush to one of the cars where everyone is hiding out, and a message is sent to send the train off a cliff, to take care of the problem.

Saxton and Wells do their best to uncouple the car they're in, and just barely make it as the resrt of the train sails off to destruction.

Dance with me, dance with me…

Dance with me, dance with me…

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: Very good for an early 70s movie

Audio: Also quite solid for a 70s movie.

Body Count: Even without counting twice dead zombies, the movie delivers a decent pile.

1 - Seven minutes in and a man is found dead after opening the box.

2 - Baggage man gets his brain scrambled

3 - Train security man gets killed.

4 - Redhead thief gets killed

5 - The creature melts Mrs. Sexton's brain next

6 - Train personnel gets killed next

7 - The other kind of engineer dies

8 - "Mirov" gets stabbed and shot

Several of Kazan's men get murdered

9 - Kazan gets brain scrambled

10 - The count dies next

11 - The Thing and anyone left in the front of the train goes fwoosh.

Best Corpse: I gotta say, since all the deaths are pretty much the same method, with the same effects, no one really stands out. But I guess I’ll give a nod to the dead baggage man, since they did an autopsy on him.

Blood Type - B-: There’s a bit of blood here, quite a bit for the 70s, but nothing too outrageous. But there is also some decent effects, especially when they cut heads open, and the fossil looks cool, so a solid showing.

Drink Up! Every time you see glowing red eyes.

Movie Review: This is not a bad story at all, and I very much like it, even if the connections to The Thing are obvious. I THINK it legitimately drew on the same source material? It’s an interesting take on the same material, and very enjoyable. The lead performances are top notch, and you would expect nothing less from Lee, Cushing, and the rest. There are a few plot problems, such as several characters being poorly fleshed out, that weird hand decision, and a few other things. I don’t know if this was based on something else where that was gone into in more detail, and not carried over well, if language barriers caused issues, or what, but having characters running around who feel like all their characterisation got left on the cutting room floor hurts things. Still, a well made story, and a thrilling one at that, gets it a very solid three out of five smooth brains

Entertainment Value: Pujardov is the star here. He steals every seen he is in, with his wonderful over the top preaching, his confidence, and he is just so much fun, and adds a lot to the movie. And again, Lee and Cushing are always a delight. There’s just enough scenery chewing from the monk, and Kazan, and the monster is interesting, that there’s enough over the top stuff to make for a very fun train ride. Four out of five fish dinners.

I deeply regret that I realised too late that Mirov was dubbed by the late great Roger Delgado, the original Master on Doctor Who, and I surely missed many joke opportunities there. Ah well, you can’t win them all, but I wanted to at least acknowledge it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to climb into my ImmersoPod.