Super Hell 2 (2008) — Triskaidekafiles

SUPER HELL 2

WRITER: Johny Walker

DIRECTOR: Johny Walker

Starring: Conrad Brooks as Himself

Cali Ford as Cannibal Girl #1

Syn Devil as Cannibal Girl #2

QUICK CUT: A bunch of random stuff happens while Satan waits to get beaten up, after leaving Hell. This is more coherent than anything you get in the movie.

THE MORUGE

Skipping this section this week, because almost no one is on screen long enough to care about who or what they are, and it doesn’t matter.

Welcome back, Triskellions! After that little experiment last month, that worked out way better than I thought it would when I started, it's time to get back on our bullshit, and turn our attention to Super Hell 2. *sighs heavily* Yeah, there is a second one, and I watched the first one, so I guess this is a thing I gotta do. If there is any upside here, at least it's only an hour long.

This time around, things get started with a cloaked figure in a creepy mask and skull staff, wandering around and playing with a giant rusty saw. While he pokes a rusty Chevrolet, he whips out a cigarette from a coffin shaped holder...Christ, can you get any edgier??

We jump from there to the credits, which explains what a shithole Hell is, and it sounds very much like a tenement, which makes me wonder if God is the landlord? But I digress.

Death doesn’t know how to check his oil.

Anyways, things get so bad, Satan says screw this, I'm going to Earth, and the gates of Hell open up in...Indiana. ...Shoulda stayed in Hell, dude. But at least that serves as an explanation for the weirdness.

Following an old woman fiddling about on a piano, as a nod to Z'dar in the first movie, I guess? we get a rant about what a shitty movie Super Hell 2 is, and how terrible we are for watching it, and honestly? Tempted to just walk away to spite them.

Our next random scene, for that seems to be the style of these films, is a nun in a motel wearing a weird mask, before we see Conrad Brooks on a subway car, but we'll get back to him. For now, it's on to a pair of women eating bloody meat, until they wake up Blupo the Clown.

Look, vague concessions to continuity! Such as it is.

After Blupo slips on a banana peel, it's back to Conrad where some weird dude in a skull mask sits next to him.

Conrad sees the skull man and mugs a bit in a terribly over the top way. Isn't he a demon? Hasn't he been to Super Hell? Why does this faze him? Why am I asking? I know none of this shit will be answered.

From there, we jump to ANOTHER scene, of ANOTHER guy in a skull mask, who doesn't SEEM to be the same guy as two seconds ago, but WHO KNOWS?

The new Skull dude is mixing some stuff into a glass, when a dude shows up at his front door. This new arrival is looking for a hit, so the skull dude hands him a needle with his new concoction.

Doctor Skull laughs maniacally as his new drug 'works' causing the man's hair to fall out, and his skin to peel off. See, the mad scientist hates all our fleshy faces, and wants to make everyone look like him.

Fred Skull's master plan, and his wonderful performance, at least makes one thing better than the first movie. Sadly...Fred Skull will not be seen again, and this plot will never be mentioned again.

But before this becomes TOO interesting, we are now watching a skeleton float down a river, which I seem to recall was a plot point in the first movie, after someone stole Satan's mask to become more powerful.

The skeleton flies back up onto a bridge, as the person is reborn, saying they are new and improved.

But we do get to return to Blupo the clown, as the cloaked figure from earlier finds him still nursing his pride after his fall. He tells the clown to get his shit together and get shit done. This will not be happening, and Blupo eventually returns to clown doll form and is dragged off by a child at the end of the ‘movie’.

Hey, remember crossdressing Satan from the first movie? Yeah, he's still here, and whining about Conrad Brooks, and how much his place sucks, and how he can't go anywhere because he has no ride.

You would think the Prince of Lies could swing a getting a car.

But we get a flashback to footage from the first movie, I believe, with the mask dude punching him out. You know Satan has fallen on hard times when a redneck dipshit lays him out.

And then it's on to ANOTHER guy in a skull mask...is this a *different* guy? I know it's not Fred Skull. Is it the subway skull? Is it Tweak after his face melts off? I DON'T KNOW.

Skullbert wanders off, finds the blood wrestlers, and starts whipping them, because there's a whip on the wall, and the movie needed a scene.

And our next random jump takes us back to Conrad Brooks wandering around who ends up at a professor's house to tell him about weird dreams he's been having.

Conrad follows him upstairs, because this guy and his crumbling apartment seem safe, and we enter the Room of Bad Dreams.

Yeah, I feel like I'm trapped there with y'all.

Conrad is here because he's having weird dreams about women, and we suddenly cut to him saying "Do I owe you for all this information and this stuff?" WHAT INFORMATION? WHAT STUFF??

But enough of that, time for a news report from President Lloyd Kaufman about the escape of a half ton gorilla that is running around town attacking people.

Oh no, is this a secret tie in to Psycho Ape!??

After a random meaningless scene at an amusement park, we cut to a random meaningless scene of some weirdos arguing? about going swimming as a third rocks out on air guitar to his latest hit, "Swimming".

Then there's another meaningless random scene with the escaped monkey chasing the guy in the monkey mask from the first movie, as some other familiar characters watch and prattle on.

And we then jump to another meaningless random scene of Conrad macking on a woman when her husband comes home, upset that his best friend is making out with his wife.

If you might be thinking I have zero fucks left to give at this point, you would be correct. My fucks left a long time ago.

And if his seems like a lot of “And then this happened and then this happened and then this and then and then and then” it’s because that is how the whole movie feels. There is zero cohesive narrative and it is just a strung together collection of scenes.

And then we jump to a graveyard full of zombies, because I guess there's zombies now, and a guy shows up to feed them...with a box of kittens.

Eat a kitten?? No way mister, that’s just WRONG!!

Then a vampire shows up, because why not? And the zombies throw rocks at him to make him leave. Poor vampire.

We then jump back to Conrad leaving his best friend's hotel room or something, where he is jumped by ANOTHER woman, who he pushes away, despite her yelling about how much she wants him.

He then heads home, and the vampire who was chased off by rock throwing zombies shows up. And I love that Conrad 'shouts' his orders for the vamp to go away in a whisper, probably because they don't want to disturb the tennants actually living there.

Okay, I kinda want to throw rocks at him too.

Wasn't there a mad skull faced doctor wanting to melt everyone's faces off? Whatever happened to him? Can’t we go back to that plot?

Blupo the clown passes by the great ape escape, but then sidetracks as those two have it out, kinda, I guess.

After a handful of short random pointless scenes, we then watch some bearded conspiracy nut on tv, because why not? And he interviews Satan.

The blue meanie sees this, and declares he will have his rematch, and can we pick a plot and run with it, please? Develop a coherent storyline? Stick with characters?

We then go back to Conrad waking up with a clump of clown hair in his hands for no particular reason, as a friend stops by to visit.

Oh and then someone throws a frisbee past the camera so there can be aliens to show up and zap a girl.

The Blue Meanie calls Satan and challenges him, and then we cut to the crossdresser from the first movie complaining how they won't be DJing a party, and she slams her fist down on a railing, says ow, and I just love that she has a look on her face so close to cracking.

More randomness ensues as Conrad heads to DC and asks he statue of Abe Lincoln for advice on his vampire problem. Because why not? Oh, and it's advice he never gets or acts on, because sure.

Then it's back to Skully spanking a girl, because heaven forbid this movie actually goes back to a plot I'm interested in.

Fortunately for her, a random dude with a knife shows up to chase him off, because heaven forbid any of the squawking extant people with knives in this movie show up and tie some of this shit together!!

Unfortunately for her however, Knifey McRandomsauce stabs her. Unfortauntely for HIM, she doesn't seem to bothered by that, and snaps his neck.

And then Space Sheriff shows up and...you know what, fuck it. I'm done here.

Whatcha gonna do when they space come for you?

To be quite honest, the movie pretty much is too. Satan is dragged off to jail, there's a pathetic dance party, and the president spares us all by detonating the omega device that destroys the world.

Release. Sweet, sweet, merciful release of death.

Sigh. Well there's a few credits scenes, with Conrad and Drac having breakfast, and then Jodie from the first movie visiting John Link and Conrad. Really, just more pointless randomness.

Look, if you ever run into a wereclown with a tickle fetish…

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: Urgh, it doesn’t look great, but it could be worse. Slightly below average, because anything filmed in 2008 should look a bit better than this.

Audio: Again, below average, since some dialogue gets garbled up.

Sound Bite: "Another day, another fucked up, inbred, son of a bitch to kill"

Body Count: Woefully light, with barely any deaths worth mentioning.

1 - I am counting the ripped hand of the janitor 21 minutes in so I have SOMEthing

2 - Man in the monkey mask probably gets killed.

3 - Blonde snaps cowboy dude's neck after he stabs her.

Best Corpse: My patience.

Blood Type - C: Most of the blood comes from the two girls smearing it on each other, but there’s a few more moments, such as the janitor tryin to clean up his own leaking arm blood before it stains.

Sex Appeal: Plenty of boobs here.

Drink Up! Every time you hear the Super Hell theme.

Movie Review: The best will in the world would struggle to call this a “movie”. It is a random collection of scenes. There’s some all right acting. It’s shot with the barest of competence, but also plenty of terribly framed shots. You know I always try and find something good to say about these movies, and even I am having a tough time finding any highlights. Aside from Fred Skull, and a good line or two, I got nothing. This may just be the worst movie I’ve ever seen, because many are bad in one way, or another, or because of this or that, but this hits ALL the buttons. This is just a pile of random scenes dumped into your face like cinematic bukkake. What an absolute mess. Zero of five skull masks.

Entertainment Value: If you wanna see how bad, strange, messed up cinema can get, if you want to say you have seen some stuff, you could actually do worse than this pile of scenes. The entertainment here is strictly in the trainwreck “morbid curiosity” kind of way, to see just how incoherent things can be. It’s SLIGHTLY better than the first one, in that it’s not QUITE as sleazy, and Super Hell 1 holds together slightly better with a few more throughlines, and Doctor Skull is worth seeing, but not to go through everything else here for his two minutes of cackling awesomeness. Three out of five kitten-eating zombies, solely for the “you gotta check this out” factor.