Berserker (1987) — Triskaidekafiles

BERSERKER

WRITER: Jef Richard

DIRECTOR: Jef Richard

STARRING: Joseph Alan Johnson as Mike
Valerie Sheldon as Kathy
Greg Dawson as Josh
Rodney Montague as Larry
Beth Toussaint as Shelly
Shannon Engemann as Kristi
John Goff as Officier Hill
George Buck Flower as Pappy Nyquist

QUICK CUT: A group of college kids go out in the woods on the day the teddy bears have their picnic.

THE MORGUE

Josh - An overprivileged white kid who thinks the solution is everything is to demand his way and yerll at people. But he’s got a bit of a good heart, even if he just wants his way.

Mike - A bit of a jock, but a nice guy with a good heart, and probably spends half the time smoothing over problems Josh causes.

Officer Hill - The local authority, just trying to keep the peace in Rainbow Valley. He remains haunted by the kid who died years ago on his watch.

Pappy - The guy who runs the campground, and Hill’s cousin. He’s a bit of a jovial sort, who loves plaing chess with Hill.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! As I tend to do as summer time looms, I like to head out into the woods, or to camp, or something in that vein, and this week, I have a very obscure flick called...Berserker! Let's dive right in.

The movie opens up back in the 10th century, as a boat comes ashore, a man in a bear costume jumps up, growls aaaand...credits! This proceeds to not have anything to really do with the plot at all.

But then the real plot threatens to kick off, as an older couple are at a remote campsite, getting ready to go home. But it's not really time to go for a few more days, so they spend some time walking along the river, and reminiscing about their life together.

A life that is tragically cut short when they are seemingly attacked by a bear. Look, you don't go out in the woods today, unless you're ready for a big surprise.

But then the REAL plot begins, for really real this time, and we meet our canon fodder for the movie. They're all piling into a truck, and heading out to that same camping ground.

One of them is bringing along some books to read, and I immediately identify with him. One of the books is on a lot of the history and culture of the area, which no one else gives a damn about.

So...we have a group of assholes heading off to a culturally different area and are more interested in shitting on that culture than anything else... This is Midsommar, isn't it?

And like many college kids, they are drinking and smoking pot as they drive, and throwing their cans out the window. Fortunately, a cop notices.

They scramble to hide the pot, and awkwardly try not to reveal it as the sheriff does his thing, and you KNOW he knows, and he confirms as much later on. But he lets them off with a warning, since it's just kids being kids.

He does almost shed a tear over their littering though, and does warn them that they don't take kindly to littering out here in the country. And see, that's why you're gonna die. Fucking litterbugs.

They finally arrive to the camp, and meet Pappy Nyquist, the proprietor of the place. Played by Trisk favourite, Buck Flower!

Josh goes out to meet him and head out to the camp, saying Pappy has known him his whole life. But Pappy does not seem to know him!

STILL unconvinced this isn’t secretly Midsommar.

Pappy informs the kids they need a reservation, and starts to walk away. Josh grabs him, yelling. Before things escalate, Mike intervenes, speaking calmly, and since he's so nice, Pappy says they can stay at the Miller place, since the place they want is where Homer and Edna are staying. Well. Were.

He then warns them not to litter, and seriously? Is that gonna be why they die?? I was joking!

So the kids drive off, and if I didn't already love Pappy because it's Buck, he chuckles to himself, remembering how Josh never had any manners, even as a kid. I LOVE him fucking with the kids.

Continuing his trend of being a privileged dick, Josh sees the signs to the Miller and Sargent places, and goes where he wants to, not where he should.

We get the usual montage of settling into the camp, and normal camp activities, while we wait for stuff to happen.

But before we get there, Larry tells campfire tales from his books about Rainbow Valley. Tales of the Norse berserkers, who would dress up in bear skins, sometimes bathe in the blood of bears, and even sometimes go in for some cannibalism. Wennnn...diiiii...goooo...

The story goes on to say that any berserker who enjoys the taste of manflesh, their spirit can never rest, and they will possess descendants, to continue to wreak havoc to this day. Typical family bloodline curse stuff.

And Mike uses this to scare the girls. As you do with campfire stories.

Meanwhile, Pappy and the sheriff are catching up and playing some chess, and the topic turns to the city kids coming in to spend the week.

Pappy says it was some kid, Josh Vinter, and Bob's like no no, it didn't start with v. But Pappy corrects him, he said VINTER not VINTER!! and it's this great, funny bit of dialogue and accents I just adore.

They also think back to another kid who was killed in a horrible bear attack, which Josh also remembers as the last time he came up during the summer.

Hill heads off to check on the kids, but naturally doesn't find anything since they're at the wrong site. Pappy quickly puts things together though, and he'll check on them in the morning when he goes out to find Homer and Edna.

There's also a subplot that Hill is unsettled by the book Larry has, because he associates it so much with the little girl who died, but it's really just a way to make you think there's more going on.

Meanwhile, Kristi wanders off to take a whiz, while Mike and Shelly get hot and heavy in the cabin. At least, until Josh drives them off with loud music and smoking.

They head off to find Kristi, but actually go and screw off in the poison ivy. They should've helped Kristi get back to the cabin though, because she runs into our monster, and gets smooshes in the face with some strawberry jam.

After they shag, Shelly finds Homer's corpse, and peels off screaming into the woods. Because running aimlessly into the forest is always the answer. Mike follows, calling her name, and yep, it's just beginning, but we have entered the 'wandering around calling out names' portion of the movie.

Get comfy, this one lasts awhile. Once the rest of the crew hears the screaming, it's everyone out there calling for everyone else.

Shelly finds Kris, and the killer finds her, nicely patting her on the face with some schmutz, and she dies. This is a wild game of tag. But now she will not be reutrning from Z’Ha’Dum…

Josh takes charge, and says they gotta get back to camp and go get help, which is the smartest thing anyone has said or done this whole movie.

While this middle section IS really slow, with a LOT of unnecessary wandering, it DOES manage to pull off some nice atmosphere that sells things pretty well. The forest is mostly dark, there's some good fog, and the looming threat of bear actually works. It could be tighter, but it does have a solid feeling of dread.

Pappy wakes up, feeling ill at ease, and decides to go check on the kids early. Meanwhile, they're lost in the woods, because Take Charge Josh is lost.

They find a sign to the Miller place, and think they're almost home free, until Josh explains what he did. But hey, you KNOW WHERE YOU ARE. You can go to the Miller site, follow the road to the fork back to the Sargent camp and...eh never mind.

As they wander, Larry trips and finds Homer's body, then runs, tripping AGAIN over a log, and breaking his leg. He can't go on, so Josh stays there while the Mike and Cathy try to get to the truck and get help.

Mike starts to look around like he smells something familiar, and realises, wait! This is where he and Shelly had sex!! ...What... Does he have like...intercourse sense??? GPSex?? Whatever, if they can get back to camp, I guess.

They quickly return to the cabin, following Mike's GPSex and find Pappy's truck there and no Pappy.

Of course, wouldn't you know it, the battery is dead, and Pappy's truck has no keys. So they decide their best option is the ATV they took with them. But Mike insists Cathy stay behind, because he can travel faster with less weight. Which would make me shout EXCUSE ME?? but I know what he means.

As they try and get help, Larry tells Josh more about the berserkers, and surprise! One of them comes out of the woods and attacks Josh, revealing at least SOME of the murders have been at the hands of a man in a fursuit. Of all things.

Before the berserker can attack Larry next though, the ACTUAL BEAR we have seen throughout the movie shows up, and you know what we get? MAN VERSUS BEAR ACTION YEAH!!

You can take your Midsommar, with asshole kids getting tied into bear suits to be set on fire after whining for three hours. Me, I'll take my 90 minutes of man putting HIMSELF into a bearsuit to TEAR SHIT UUUUUUP!!

Larry is cheering on the bear as it seems to be winning and about to stop the man who killed his friends but uh, Larry? Whichever one wins, you lose.

The berserker finally has enough and runs away, but fortunately, the bear has zero interest in Larry, and shambles back off into the forest, never to be seen again. So uh…that was a red herring, huh?

At last the sun comes up, and Larry fashions a crutch from a branch, and limps back to camp. An action which would have saved EVERYONE so much trouble.

Mike finds the sheriff on the road and they hurry back, while Larry stumbles his way over the river and through the woods, literally, until he arrives at camp.

Cathy rushes out to help him, but the beaten, broken, berserker is nearby, seeking more blood. Fortunately, Hill shows up and puts down the wild animal.

The survivors pile into the truck, they'll be getting Josh who is miracullously alive, at some point, and as the movie closes, the berserker is revealed to be...Pappy. Surprise. Not really. But they sell it nicely before the actual reveal, through Hill's reluctance and sadness at what he had to do.

Oh, but his eyes snap open, revealing he might be NOT REALLY DEAD...but oh well, credits

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It’s a little bit on the grainy side, but it looks fine, for what it is.

Audio: Solid enough for what it is.

Body Count: Y’know, I gotta say, this movie is a bit disappointing, and has too many survivors for my taste. Once you get past the two old randoms, only three of our main characters die, and the killer.

1- Homer gets mauled just short of five minutes in!
2 - His wife joins him soon after, although it's more implied than seen.
3 - Kris gets mauled
4 - Then Shelley gets some schmutz on her face.
5 - Josh gets mauled next.
6 - Pappy gets shot.

Best Corpse: Shelly probably gets the best of it, since she gets dirtied up the most.

Blood Type - C+: Feels a bit lacking, but they do make some good use of what they got

Sex Appeal: Beth gets plenty nude.

Drink Up! every time you think Hill might be the killer

Movie Review: So yeah, I mentioned that sluggish second act but…besides that, there’s just something about this movie I absolutely adore? It’s not great, it’s barely good, but…it’s got that right mix of charm and competence to it. The characters are genuinely likable, even Josh when he’s not being a dick, has his moments. It is also pretty unique in its plot, so it definitely stands out. I find myself smiling when I watch t, even if I want the wandering to be done with. Oh, and the bear uh, doesn’t really do much, aside from exist to distract you. But oh well. Three and a half bear cowls.

Entertainment Value: Aside from Buck camping it up, there isn’t really THAT much here outside of a simple, fun movie. The acting isn’t so bad to laugh at it, there’s not much silliness, it just kinda is. But it works, and it’s a fine way to kill 85 minutes. Three out of five cans of beer.