Easter Casket (2013) — Triskaidekafiles

EASTER CASKET

WRITER: Dustin Wayde Mills

DIRECTOR: Dustin Wayde Mills

STARRING: Josh Eal as Father Asher
Erin R. Ryan as Audrie Burke
Jason Crowe as Father Crowe
Allison Fitzgerald as Sister Mary Agnes
Janet Jay as Prima
Roni Jonah as Sister Mary Joan
Dustin Mills as Peter Cottontail/Father Jacob
Steve Rimpici as Mega Pope
Brandon Salkil as Cardinal O'Malley

QUICK CUT: The Easter Bunny returns to remind everyone why this is a special time of year.

THE MORGUE

Asher - A holy warrior of God, tasked to hunt down and destroy demons. He’s a good man, the best of the best, a man of honour, and will fight to the end for what he believes in.

Audrie - A young woman who works with the church. She’s sweet and not quite naive, but still believes in the best of people, and the church.

Peter Cottontail - The goddamned Easter bunny.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Happy Easter, Triskelions! I hope yours was good, and the Easter Bunny didn't violate your lockdown procedures. I very rarely have done 'Easter' movies, largely because they are few and far between. But a little movie called Easter Casket landed on my radar, and hoo boy, is this right up my alley. So let's get to it.

We open up on a dark and stormy night, as a nun kneels and prays, before being interrupted by a wicked chuckle. A shadowy figure soon comes close, ranting about how he has been forgotten, but the human race will know who he is soon enough.

He knocks out the nun, and we soon find her almost nude, as the ranting continues, and it's clear the kidnapper is a rabbit puppet. A very angry, angry puppet. And the nun is soon crucified with a cryptic message carved into her.

And from there it's into the credits, and let me just say; any movie that slips in Little Bunny Foofoo as part of their opening credits? Off to a good start. A little less good with the gratuitous nunsploitation, but I digress for the moment.

Nice to see the Goombas from that Super Mario movie found some work…

From there, we meet Father Asher, handcuffed before the demon Asteroth. Asher is calm and collected as the demon interrogates him, and he removes the handcuffs with ease, as their conversation continues.

Asher lays out what he's gonna do to these demon hordes, and he proceeds to live up to his word. All while wearing some badass priestly armour he calls up out of the void. Okay this is *awesome* and I love the badass confidence. I am so sold on this movie.

Once he is done striking down with furious anger, Asher is called in by the pope...no wait THE MEGA POPE and he rushes to heed the call.

There is not one single thing about this image that I do not absolutely adore.

That cheap CGI background and chopper. Asher wearing an off the rack workshirt, with breast pocket! and tacked on collar. Sweet Christmas I am loving this.

Asher enters a CGI church, where a CGI organ spews out CGI particles forming together into a giant floating head. Zordon bids his charge to find him five teenagers with attitu...wait what? OH THAT is the Mega Pope!

The Mega Pope (!) warns that there is a disturbance in the Christosphere (!!) and tells him about the nun's murder on holy ground. Asher is commanded to follow the clue of the passage from Ezekiel, and then hands his holy warrior a holy hand grenade (!!!) and then disappears with a "MEGA POPE, AWAAAY!" (!!!!)

I...I fucking love everything I just watched. Holy shit. Pun not intended.

Meanwhile, Father Jacob is visited by the puppet, and he declares he is Peter Cottontail. We're told that the church is planning a meeting to discuss removing all the paganistic rituals, the bunny stuff, the eggs, etc, from Easter celebrations, and that is why he's come back for vengeance.

Jacob calls Pete a demon, and that really sends him around the bend, as he tosses a plastic egg at the priest. An egg that soon glows and explodes, turning the priest into a fine red mist.

We next meet two young Catholic schoolgirls, with more gratuitous nudity. Aubrie is having second thoughts of what the church has planned, while her friend seems uninterested in anything other than her phone.

Aubrie heads out, and the other girl finally gets dressed. Which is good, because there's a knock on the door, and she finds a basket full of jelly beans waiting for her.

Back with Asher, he visits the corpse of the nun, and is handed a plastic egg that the corner found where God don't shine.

Asher takes a moment alone with the body, performs last rites, and summons her spirit forth to get what information he can from her about what happened. He doesn't really learn anything new, but does hear the name Tamuz again.

From there, it's back to the hotel with the girls, but this time we meet a priest ogling a very large dildo, which he tries to hide when a nun comes calling. Long story short, she discovers the dildo, and the pair have sex.

In any other movie, I'd ramble about the corruption and hypocrisy of the church, but this movie is far too silly for all that.

Meanwhile, Prima has been enjoying her jelly beans, until she has to take a violent and bloody shit. But it doesn't stop there, as she craps out a pile of plastic Easter eggs. An act which ends her life.

After Audrie narrowly escaping a visit from the Easter Bunny, he instead finds his way to the nun and Father Crowe, and he quickly kills them off.

And they said carrots are supposed to be good for you…

Meanwhile, Asher pays a visit to Cardinal O'Malley, to ask him about the murders and Tamuz. Cardinal Infodump tells us about Noah's son Nimrod, who some thought was evil. When he died, his wife worshiped him, and he was reborn as Tamuz, and is resurrected as part of springtime rituals.

Asher thinks this all sounds like blashpemy, and as O'Malley continues to rant, it becomes clear that he is the one who brought back Tamuz.

Oh and apparently this summoning ritual included three and a half minutes of a nun stripping and dancing. This is especially gratuitous since it is the *same footage* from the credits, so they already blew their load here.

The cardinal continues to rant, claiming that if Tamuz dies, springtime dies with him, and we will forever be stuck in winter. And the plan is that Petey will kill those in his way, then the heads of the church, and then God himself.

Asher realises that Tamuz is the direct opposite of God, which leads him to a realisation that the cardinal spells out by calling him "THE FUZZY DOOMBRINGER!" with SO MUCH conviction I nearly shit out a basket of eggs myself. I want to know how many takes that took to do with a straight face.

Yes, that's right. The Easter bunny is the Antichrist. Check please.

O'Malley tries to kill Asher, but he summons his armour, and then hands over the plastic egg, which explodes and kills the villain.

Asher finally finds Aubrey in the closet (Insert your own jokes here, boys and girls) and tells her the Easter Bunny is coming to kill her. She takes it rather well, and tries to run.

They find Prima's corpse, and a bunch of hatched Easter eggs. They wonder where the chicks went, and Asher hears them in the walls.

Which is when a BARRAGE OF HUNDREDS OF TINY CHICKENS ATTACK. They try to kick Asher’s non chicken ass, but fortunately he shoves Aubrie into the bathroom. He then uses his armour and sword to destroy the rest. Again. I cannot believe what I am watching.

I guess you could say this is a ‘cheep’ effect.

While the pair rest up, we get some backstory and tortured stuff about the priest sleeping with the girl, before finally moving on to watch the Easter bunny's coked up sex orgy. And there's a sentence I never thought I'd type.

The next day, Asher wakes up, regretting what he did, and discovers Aubrey is gone, and he gets knocked out by Pete. He is only spared because his armour encased him protectively.

Mega Pope appears to him and awakens him and...

Holy shit this might be the single best Catholic joke *ever*.

Asher gets up, and kneels before his Pope. The Mega Pope bids him to rise.
He does so, and begins to ask, "What is thy bidd..." "NOW KNEEL."
Asher again does as he is commanded. "What is th..." "NOW RISE!!"

I legit had to stop the movie and howl with laughter for five straight minutes.

Asher catches the Mega Pope up on his mission, but he has no idea where to go next. Mega Pope advises him to catch the bunny, he must think like the bunny. Before another MEGA POPE AWAAAY, he also warns Asher to not fuck anymore schoolgirls on his way out of the hotel.

Speaking of Aubrie, we see her being tormented by the Easter Bunny waiting for Asher to show up, leading to Peter banging the girl because the blasphemous act will give him much power.

Asher arrives at the creamed carrot factory, and Petamuz attacks with his NINJA BUNNY ASSASSINATION SQUAD. Look, at this point, you should know I ain't joking.

He finds Aubrey, possessed and or driven mad by being bunnyfucked, and Asher stops her before she hurts him or herself. Using his power, he cleanses her, allowing her to rest as we dive into the final battle.

Asher tries to goad Peter by calling him demon, but rather than pull a Marty McFly, he instead chooses to grow and stomp down any church he finds. And woe be to anything else that stands in his way.

The bunny stomps his way through the city, leaving planes and tanks and buildings in his wake, until Asher finds him atop another building.

On second thought, maybe we DO need the Power Rangers.

Once more, the priest goads the ancient god by calling him a demon. And this time it works, since all the fluffy doombringer now has to do is eat his chosen opponent.

Which he does.

Unfortunately, Pete is unaware he just ate a man who wields a holy hand grenade, and is not afraid to use it. Asher pulls the pin and seemingly explodes them both, ending the movie as Aubrie awakens and her stomach churns...setting up a sequel? I…genuinely hope so.

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It looks pretty good!

Audio: Sounds rock solid too.

Sound Bite: “The easter bunny is the goddamned antichrist!!”

Body Count: After a sizeable pile of demons at the start, we still get a respectable amount.

1 - Two minutes in and the Easter Bunny kills a nun.
2 - Asteroth's minion has his head cut off.
3 - And Asteroth goes out the window.
4 - Another minion is shot.
5 - One gets stabbed
6 - And hacked
7 - Stabbed AND shot
8 - Hacked...
9 - Slashed...
10 - Stabbed...
11 - Gutted...
12 - Sliced...
13 - Stabbed in the face.
14 - ...And the last one gets it in the dick, I think.
15 - Peter blows up a priest
16 - Prima dies after giving birth to a gaggle of easter eggs
17 - Nun gets a carrot through the brain
18 - Peter takes Father Crowe with explosive rabbit turds
19 - Flashback to Nun sacrificed to raise Tamuz
19 - Cardinal goes boom from an exploding egg
20 - Asher explodes Peter from the inside

Best Corpse: Hmm, I’ll go with Prima. That’s a brutal demise, and her skeleton was nice and gooey.

Blood Type - B+: A few gooey bits like the skeleton, burnt out eyes, and gobs of CGI blood give it a high enough rating.

Sex Appeal: The movie does not shy away from nudity, that’s for sure.

Drink Up! Every time Asher armours up.

Movie Review: Okay, leaving aside the absurdity, the plot actually holds up. I love the use of folklore, building upon it, and creating something pretty good. Saying the Easter Bunny is the Antichrist is fucking ridiculous, but at the same time, it works. And it’s an engaging story, with well thought out characters, with decent motivations, and performances. I personally could’ve done with a little less gratuitous nudity, but even with that, I give it high marks. For what it is, and what it sets out to do, it’s a solid four out of five jelly beans.

Entertainment Value: Look. I don’t have to go any further than saying I had to stop the movie so I could stop laughing at the kneel/rise bit to tell you I was thoroughly entertained. I got SO many laughs, the movie is straight up bonkers at times, with its lore and delivery, and absolutely straight facing the more absurd things. I loved this ride, and want to see more of Asher. Four out of five holy hand grenades.

MEGA POPE AWAAAAAY!