Gutterballs (2008) — Triskaidekafiles

GUTTERBALLS

WRITER: Ryan Nicholson

DIRECTOR: Ryan Nicholson

STARRING: Alastair Gamble as Steve

Mihola Terzic as Sarah

Nathan Witte as Jamie

Candice Lewald as Lisa

Dan Ellis as BBK

QUICK CUT: Groups of friends compete against each other in a bowling tournament, but they are not expecting a mysterious third party entering the competition.

THE MORGUE

Steve - An absolute garbage human being, who seems physically incapable of saying a sentence without the word fuck. He loves the ladies, and he is an entitled piece of shit who will throw a tantrum if he doesn’t get what he wants.

Lisa - The local girl who seems to have been with every guy, and has an aversion to underwear.

Jamie - A good guy who swoops in to the ladies’ rescue when Steve gets up in their faces.

BBK - Our killer with a bowling fetish. Good thing this happened at a bowling alley or that would be weird.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! After the...whatever the hell Super Hell was, I thought I'd swing over to a more standard slasher. Although even here, 'more standard' is a relatvie term, yes? And...I know I usually play it up like I haven't watched the movie before and we’re going on this journey of discovery together, even though we all know better, but I'm not gonna do that this time around, folks. This movie is...rough, especially in the first 20 minutes. Brace yourselves for Gutterballs.

The movie opens up, and if I remember correctly, never leaves, the XCalibur bowling alley. One of the first things we see, besides bowling alley stuff, is a woman, Lisa, in the shortest of short skirts, and the very obvious fact she is not wearing any underwear.

We meet most of the characters, they're all horrible, and the sexism runs rampant, not even two minutes in. Oh, and there's also a transgender character too, so again, brace yourselves.

Steve stands up to mock Lisa, and revel in the sexism, and when Sam, the aforementioned transgender woman stands up for her friend...we get some lovely transphobia, homophobia, and sexism all wrapped up in one burrito of hate, and they attack her.

A few of the other guys come to her rescue, a brawl ensues, and it's not until the proprietor of the place comes out with a shotgun that things get broken up.

Steve gets a bowling ball to the foot before they leave, and vows vengeance, and everyone kinda disperses.

The credits roll and we watch as our soon to be killer prepares his costume and his bowling themed weapons, but...as will become obvious later, this makes zero sense.

Before they can leave, Lisa realises she's forgotten her purse and heads back inside. This is a move which is a major mistake.

She heads upstairs to a loft like area above the lanes, where the arcade games and some pool tables are. And she runs into Steve and the gang.

And this is when the rape begins. The very graphic, realistic, in your face, no holds barred, rape of Lisa.

She is assaulted for, and I am not joking or exaggerating in the slightest here, just short of ten...straight...minutes.

Unlike the movie, I shall skip past the worst of it, and just say that it all culminates with Patrick being forced to shove a bowling pin, wide end first, into her.

It's worth noting at this point...THIS MOVIE IS A COMEDY. And the creator justifies this scene because it shows how horrible the guys are, and they need to die. Yeah, and you can do that *without ten minutes of rape*. I GOT they were horrible when they started in on the queerbashing. I didn't need to watch a *quadruple rape*.

The next night, everyone arrives for their bowling game, INCLUDING LISA, although she is withdrawn and wearing sunglasses to hide the assault. And even Steve is there, foot in a cast, with two blondes on his arms.

Lisa wanders off to go to the bathroom, and she runs into Patrick, who tries to apologise, and just gets pinned (Ugh, sorry) against the wall and yelled at, rightly so.

Admit it! Cheetahman is a great game, and you know it!!

We spend some time doing some actual bowling, and when they put their names in, a strange glitch occurs where someone with the initials BBK signs in.

One of Steve's blondes goes to get him a beer, runs into one of the arguably nicer people in the movie, and he says hey, let me piss in it first. I appreciate that he does, indeed, piss in the beer. I mean, it's cheap American shit beer, so I doubt anyone would notice, but follow through is important.

The blonde is impressed with this dude, and they start to 69 in the bathroom, and FINALLY after 35 minutes, this movie finally gets going when the killer shows up, holding Blondie down on the dude, and holds her down on his dick, suffocating the pair of them. I...am not sure that works, but fuck it, at least we're getting this show on the road.

Eat her! Eat her 'til you choke, you sick...twisted...FUCK!!

Meanwhile, BBK's score is suddenly up by two, but it displays a skull and crossbones, instead of the usual X for a strike. See, this is clever. And yes, the gang is concerned over this, at least.

BBK next calls in to the alley, and while the proprietor, Old Man, or Oldie as I'll call him, answers the phone, he doesn't even get a good prank like "Amanda Hugginkiss." But, some wires get cut, and the phones go dead.

Sam heads out to freshen herself up, and keep an eye out for Lisa, and neither goes terribly well. She gets grabbed by BBK, dragged into a stall, and forced to swallow a bowling pin.

I guess you could say I’ve got this…in the bag.

And oh, yay, added insult to injury, once Sam is dead, BBK bifurcates her penis. Nice, so very not clever.

Meanwhile, Joey goes to get his bowling ball waxed, with the usual number of ball jokes made, and even the machine that does this is a snarky asshole, that's how one note this movie's characters are. Even the inanimate objects are dicks.

But the ball gets scratched up because of a big screw sticking out of the recepticle, so he goes to yell at Oldie.

Lisa finally wanders back into the plot, still very out of it, and another couple wanders back out of the movie, to shag in a supply closet.

Ben seems to have lost his condom though, and wanders off to get one from the other bathroom. In the meantime, Joey wanders back to the lanes, where only AJ seems to be left, and the pin setter is all screwed up. So he makes the sensible move to go into the back and fix it himself.

Steve has noticed something is up and people are missing, but sends AJ off to try AGAIN to get him, a beer, since his keep never arriving.

Meanwhile, Ben gets conked over the head by BBK, and both his eyes gouged out with a sharpened bowling pin. Okay, please, seriously, more of this? This is the good shit right hee.

AJ has a chat with Oldie who says the BBK thing is just a glitch, the system spitting out old data, and he rambles about technology a bit, how automation is replacing good men, and oh if only that was somehow motivation.

He hands AJ an "out of order sign" to go slap on the ball waxer, and sending another kid to his doom, when the killer shoves AJ's face into the broken, screw filled waxer.

BBK shows up where the punk girl is waiting for discount Axl Rose, and screws her before using the shoelaces from bowling shoes to strangle her.

Elsewhere, the second blonde is looking for her friend, and finds a wicked cool suit of armour...which smashes her face in with a pair of bowling balls.

Steve, Jamie, and Sam are finally fed up with everyone going missing, and Steve hobbles off to find Joey and Oldie behind the lanes.

He finds Joey's decapitated body, and BBK, who bashes his face with a few pins. And...it's kinda glorious, as the guy becomes more of a babbling, drooling mess each time his face is crushed. And it all culminates in...a sharpened pin up the ass. As it should be.

Jamie and Sarah find Joe's head in the ball return, and try to leave. Patrick is strung up outside, and oh yeah, he was in this movie. Fortunately, even though BBK has locked the doors, they are trapped inside with many large, round, heavy objects.

Which...somehow just bounce off the glass doors. How? Should I even bother asking?

So they run around trying to find a way out, as BBK pursues the duo through the bowling alley. It's a decent enough chase, all told.

But as they rush out back behind the lanes, they find...BBK, STILL smashing Steve's face into a fine red paste. I mean, ignoring the BBK Squared, I…no, that’s fair. Keep at it.

They eventually end up in a back room, where all he mangled corpses are being stored for the time being.

As they survey the damage, suddenly Oldie shows up with his shotgun, dressed as...BBK! Gasp! And Jamie says...you weren't supposed to kill the good guys! Double gasp!

Oldie is determined to kill Sarah since she's seen his face, and that's when Lisa comes in, wearing nothing but a BBK bowling shirt and she calls Oldie...Daddy! The hat trick of a triple gasp!!

Short version of plot: Jamie told dad, dad plotted revenge, even on Lisa's friends, because they let it happen.

And that is when...ANOTHER BBK WALKS IN! And this one is Patrick! OKAY I am dropping a flag on the play here. 20 yard penalty, too many twists.

Especially since this leaves so many questions. Why was BBK prepping BEFORE anything even happened? Why the phone call, and why the confusion if there was a plan? They imply that Patrick was the one bashing Steve, but he was outside hanging and...I could go on.

Lisa is, naturally, upset that the guy who raped her with a bowling pin was in on the plan, but even THAT was part of the plan, as dear old Dad used him do do killin' as a scapegoat, and now has slashed his throat.

We get a bit of a fight, and Jamie gets the shotgun for a moment, blowing away Dad's head. Lisa is understandably upset at this, but before she can gut someone with a knife, Sarah blows her away too.

The two survivors make their way out of the bowling alley finally, but since Sarah is not happy about the way things went, what with everyone she knows being brutally, and sometimes ironically, murdered, she turns her rage and blows away Jamie as the credits roll.

I mean, I guess that's an ending, right?

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It looks pretty decent, the colours pop, and everything is clear enough to make up, even when I don’t want to see them.

Audio: Sounds decent too, with some good mix, and use of the sound scape

Body Count: It takes awhile, but the movie definitely delivers on the death.

1- 38 minutes, and Patrick suffocates first

2 - Followed shortly by Juliet blowing him

3 - Sam chokes on a bowling pin

4 - Ben gets his eyes gouged out with a sharpened bowling pin.

5 - Punk girl gets strangled with bowling shoe laces

6 - Terry gets her head smashed together

7 - BBK gashed AJ's face in the ball waxer.

8 - Joey got beheaded in the pin setter.

9 - Steve gets bunga'd with the sharpened pin

10 - Old Man slices open Pete's throat.

11 - And then Jamie blows Old Man's head off.

12 - Lisa gets shotgunned by Sarah

13 - Sarah apparently blasts Sid as the credits roll.

Best Corpse: I am spoiled for choice this week, that’s for sure. Hmm. The remains of AJ’s face are definitely a highlight.

Blood Type - A: A very high blood and gore grade. The movie absolutely brings it, both in the amount of blood, and the quality of effects. Lots of fun here.

Sex Appeal: Ignoring the obvious uncomfortable stuff, most of the ladies get topless at some point.

Drink Up! every time you hear some trans or homophobia.

Because "every time someone says fuck" would kill everyone ten minutes in.

Movie Review: This is a tale of two movies. I absolutely hate hate HAAAATE how much this movie revels in its queer bashing, and sexism, and rape. Yes, you can have bad characters, and they can do bad things, and they can even be rapists and hate on queer characters. But this is simply too much. Especially with how you soak in it for ten WHOLE minutes. BUT, if you can get past the first twenty minutes of this film, and once BBK shows up…I actually REALLY like the movie at that point, even if it is absurd. But, as a whole, it is just too much to get through at the front, and I am not sure if it is worth it. If you think you can get through it, I do recommend checking the movie out, since it’s fairly well made and acted. I mean, they sell that rape, and that can be awkward, to say the least. Still, two out of five bowling pins, simply for having no real cohesive tone.

Entertainment Value: I love BBK. His mask is absurd, but striking. His weapons, his kills, the gore, all creative and fun, and make the absolute most of the setting. I could’ve done without some bits, but it’s a solid enough slasher. The absurdity, and sexism, almost makes this feel very much like a giallo, sleaze included. But that feels like I’m giving the movie too much credit. There’s a few laughs in the latter half, the plot is bonkers, and some great scenery chewing. I especially love Oldie, who really digs in at the end. Four out of five missing beers.

Hey, I know that guy being thanked for making this movie possible. Now I know who to blame for the source of my pain.