Channel 13 (1987ish) — Triskaidekafiles

CHANNEL 13

WRITERS: John Polonia

DIRECTORS: Mark and John Polonia

STARRING: John Polonia
Matt Satterly
Mark Polonia
Chris Beacom
Eric Seagar
Ricky Maselin
Billy Reese
Dave Fife

QUICK CUT: 57 channels and nothing’s on.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! Here we are, the 11th anniversary of this ridiculous journey we've been on. And what's this? A second anthology? But I just DID another anthology a few weeks ago, as I normally do! Well, when I found the 'lost' Polonia Brothers film, Channel 13, how could I NOT do it for my 11h anniversary review? I mean, pretty easily, but it made sense, so let's just get into this.

The movie begins with an intro by Mark Polonia, which I normally wouldn't waste words on mentioning, but it DOES contextualise the movie, so I'll briefly recap that Channel 13 was a project they were working on in the late 80s, forgot about, and then Mark rediscovered the bag of tapes only a few years ago. He did his best to complete the work, and finish off some effects, and the wraparound, and here we are!

But once the actual movie gets going, we watch some guy head home after some time at the stock 80s arcade, kick back to watch some good ol' CRT tv action, and the only channel he can pull in is...CHANNEL 13!

If zombies can't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

Eventually we get our attempt at a host, with a dude in a melty green mask who looks like he fell off the truck on the way to Carl Sukenick's house. But anyways, he introduces our first story, All Hallow's Eve. See! It's seasonal!

We get introduced to our main dude and his scarecrow buddy, as they get ready for the big holiday. And I coulda done with a little less pumpkin carving, but what're ya gonna do? And I don't think it's normally that bloody.

After the carving, Harold gets bitten on the finger when he gets a little handsy with Jack but...IT WAS ALL A DREAM. Le sigh.

Later, Harold is chilling and his brother comes along to yell at him for being lazy, and to not cause trouble at the Halloween party.

After Harold's bro punches him in the face to put him in his place, Harold has had enough, so conjures up a supernatural scarecrow to do his bidding. As you do.

There's some awkward editing and cuts with people there, then not, then again, but I do not hold that against the movie. They were young when they made this, and Mark had to work with what he found. It is what it is.

Harold heads off to the supermarket to buy...well, actually STEAL a knife, because he didn't have one at home? Anyways, someone questions him, they get stabbed, and bleed out on the floor.

Is that a knife in your pocket, or are you j…OKAY THEN!

This is genuine guerilla film making here, as they reveal on the commentary. They did not exactly have permission to film, stab, and pour out fake blood in the store, but here we are. I admire them for that.

Apparently something went down at the party, as it always does, and the dark night of the scarecrow begins, as he pops in to check on his creator.

But we finally get to the party, and since these movies are made with three people, we don't actually see it. But we do get to watch a guy in a Michael Myers costume stumble down to the basement or something, and get his face punched out.

Hey buddy, tell me what I can do to help?

Harold's brother pokes down into the basement, finds the carnage, and an open window. It's not long before the scarecrow comes for him too, with an axe to the head.

But his work isn't over, as he kneels over the fallen body, and tears into him and pull out his human stuffing.

Some rando has hidden in the shower, and the scarecrow finds him and stabs him for some reason, but hey, murder and blood is always welcome.

Lousy stupid nephew punchin' me who does he think he's punchin' I'm Michael Fuckin' Myers DON'T TELL ME I HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK

Meanwhile, one of the partygoers tries to escape, but Harold stops him, drags him back inside, and takes him to the kitchen, surely to make him a nice mug of tea!

Ooooh no, actually he's gonna smash his face on a stove burner so he'll know what it's like to be an outcast.

The pair of them scuffle, the other guy gets the upper hand, and Harold ends up becoming Jonah Hex.

I kinda feel like this story went in reverse. I think if the scarring happened earlier, it would have justified the rest of the story better.

But that's the end of that story, and after a brief interlude back with the host, we begin...CLAWS OF TERROR.

And...this is pretty simple, and I am just gonna breeze right on past it.

Some dude is out wandering the snow covered back roads, carrying a sack of sunflower seeds. Something is watching him from the woods, and eventually we see he is being chased by some bird monster.

A bird monster which looks like it escaped from the set of Winterbeast, but we're okay with that.

The guy drops the seed, runs for it, after telling the bird to fuck off...and then he gets eaten. And this is why you don't piss off the bird monsters.

Claws of Terror is a cute story, simple, but really needed a bit more *ahem* meat to the bones. But overall it's fine for what it is.

And so it's another brief moment with the host, and on to our third and final segment, Slaughterhouse...wait, didn't I watch...oh, different Slaughterhouse.

This story gets going with a dude carving someone up with a chainsaw while Haro...er, his dad, if I'm reading things, directs him.

We are on "Hank's Sauce Farm" which raises a few questions, but I'll roll with it. So, the overall plot is, people get carved up, mulched, and added as a secret ingredient. This is Corpse Grinders with spaghetti sauce.

Meanwhile, the Not Hank Polonia brother is driving along with a friend, their car dies, and they shuffle up to the sauce farm to see if they can use the phone, or spend the night. Hank is more than happy to offer them a bed...is this a slaughterhouse or a boardinghouse??

NotHank feels ill at ease, thinks something is up, but his friend brushes it all aside; he's just a nice old man with an open room.

Hank offers them some food, with his special sauce made of people PEEEOPLE! and the friend likes it, but not NotHank. He's not hungry, so Hank goes off, telling him you don't spit on hospitality, and how dare he!

In all the yelling, he reveals he was in Vietnam, and the only way he could survive during a particularly bad encounter was...well, you figure it out.

Meanwhile, there's a birdwatcher who Junior goes off to take care of, and so we can get a full watching of the process.

Upstairs, the two guests decide to leave, but find the door locked. So they escape out the window.

Junior sees them making a break for it, Hank wonders where his boy is running off to in such a hurry, but is happy to see his boy protecting the farm!

Let me help you with your contact lenses...aw nuts not again!!

After one last cut back to the dude watching his tv, he tries to turn it off, and before you can say "The tv IS off!" the host suddenly appears.

He points at the view, sends him into the tv, and this is pretty much a knockoff of the end of Escapes. But hey, it's a perfectly fine way to end an anthology, by dragging the viewer stand in, into things.

TRISK ASSESMENT

Video: It’s okay for a 20+ year old VHS tape recorded movie

Audio: Could be better, but it’s also not bad.

Body Count: A solid amount for a short anthology

1- A few minutes in, and we get to see someone stabbed during a tv broadcast
2 - Just short of 22 minutes is the first real death, when Harold stabs the supermarket manager
3 - Scarecrow punches through Mike Myers face.
4 - Scarecrow gets Harold's brother next
5 - Friend gets stabbed in the chest by Scarecrow
6 - Dude gets eaten by the birdmonster
7 - Junior stabs and crushes the face of a birdwatcher
8 and 9 - Junior gets the lodgers

Best Corpse: I’m going to go this week with punching out Mike’s face.

Blood Type - B: A very solid amount of blood, and surprisingly good effects for this level of project.

Drink Up! Every time you see a Polonia Brother.

Movie Review: Now, in all fairness, this isn’t that great. It’s obviously cobbled together, and they’re inexperienced, budding filmmakers. They’re not bad, and the talent is clearly there though. With a bit of polish, and if that middle story had something to it, this would be something. But all told, it’s got rough edges, could be better, but is not bad at all. Three out of five jars of sauce.

Entertainment Value: Something of this level, is obviously a blast to watch. The acting is amateurish, but not THAT bad. I’ve certainly seen worse. And clearly being made by a handful of people is fun. And the stories are actually not bad either. I enjoyed this a lot more than I thought I would. Four out of five bags of sunflower seeds.

I mean, at least it’s not Verotika…