Ninja Zombie (1992) — Triskaidekafiles

NINJA ZOMBIE

WRITER: Mark Bessenger

DIRECTOR: Mark Bessenger

STARRING: Michael Correll as Orlan Sands
Terry Dunn as Spithrachne
Kelly Anchors as Maggie
John Beaton Hill as Jack Chase/Ninja Zombie

QUICK CUT: A professor woos his dead friend’s fiance, while being hounded by archaeology enthusiasts.

THE MORGUE

Orlan - A professor who has the worst luck. He’s always getting into trouble and running to his best friend Jack for help. But he’s loyal, and tends towards doing the right thing.

Maggie - Jack’s fiance, and she more or less ticks the love interest boxes. She’s fun, and caring, and loved Jack with all her heart.

Jack - Orlan’s best friend, and frequent protector. He’s a ninja (!) and in love with Maggie. He’s sweet, and kind, and only uses his abilities when they’re needed.

Spithrachne - The leader of the Red Spider Cult, who is very committed to the whole spider theme. He’s charming, he’s confident, and he will do whatever is needed to get what he wants.

TRISK ANALYSIS - Welcome back, Triskelions! We are back once again, and this week, we turn our gaze towards a very obscure little early 90s flick, called...Ninja Zombie. And I am already sold on this by title alone. Let's get to it.

The movie opens up in the murky night as Orlan Sands stumbles around trying to find the bus. It's not long before he runs afoul of a pair of muggers, spying an easy target.

And the tone of the movie is instantly set, as Orlan tries to find money for the bus, and the music triumphantly rises.

Fortunately, a shadowy figure arrives and slices the throats of the muggers. Yay! Is this our hero? Oh no, no no no, this is our VILLAIN, Spithrachne, coming to Orlan's rescue.

He’s got spurs that go jingle jangle murder.

Spittaker promises to collect on the debt Orlan now owes him, and disappears into the night. And we cut to some time later, meeting Jack and Maggie enjoying a quiet picnic in the park.

They row off onto the lake, and Jack teases her with an obvious engagement ring. They struggle over the box, and I would die laughing right here and now if the box accidentally flung out of their hands and over the side of the rowboat.

So the couple head back to shore, and their happy moment is interrupted by Orlan, who is an old friend of Jack's.

Oh no, I’ve seen this episode of Farscape…

Orlan tells Jack about his run in with Spindancer, and shows him a note he received a few days ago from the Red Spider Cult, that just says SOON. Great, early memes had to be hand delivered.

The professor has purchased a gun for protection, but has still come to Jack for advice, and help, since he is a...martial arts master of some sort. Later clarified that he is ninja. Suuure he is.

Jack asks Orlan if he knows the guy's name, which he responds to by yelling "SHIT!" ...Well, that's an awfully strange name, but oka...OH, oops, no,the Spider Cult has arrived to collect on that debt.

The fight between Jack and the First Leg is...everything I could ask for from a movie at this level. It's energetic, it's got that no budget quality of choreography, and over the top chop socky style Foley sound for the hits. I fall for this movie more and more.

Also, yes, after Spittoon, the rest of the cult are all called "Legs" and there are eight of them. I absolutely love this, and the dedication to their spider theme.

Jack easily defeats the First Leg, but Spincity shows up and runs him through with a sword. Well...so much for our hero. I guess that's the end of the movie!

But no, there’s much more to come. But I love Spithrachne. He’s got more quips than Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The First Leg begs for forgiveness from his master, but he is a cold hearted spider, and murders his own minion. Look, if you're gonna kill every minion for the slightest failing, you are not gonna have much of a cult.

Orlan fires a few shots at the evil ninja, but he misses horribly. Spithy just shrugs them off, and says to Orlan that...soon they must talk. ... Look, dude, you have had him face to face twice now, and then just buggered off. Maybe we can talk, oh RIGHT NOW??

After Jack's funeral, and Maggie angrily flings the engagement ring at Orlan for causing this, he finds a note on his car, promising that 'all problems will be solved' if he just pays a visit to Brother Banjo.

Orlan finds two guys playing tennis, trying to get one of them to tell him if he knows about Brother Banjo, making him increasingly frustrated that his game is being interrupted.

At some point, the guy wiggles his finger, and the tennis ball disappears, as he takes a brief break. Then wiggles some more to bring back the ball, winning the game.

The stranger asks Orlan for money, because Brother Voodoo is a creepy dude and kinda scares him a little.

So he gets his money, and the music crescendos as he tries to call forth Brother Banjo. Music which hilariously pauses when Orlan interrupts the summons.

The man insists Orlan close his eyes before Banjo shows up, and if you haven't gotten hip to what's going on, yes, THIS guy IS Brother Banjo. And I SQUAWKING LOVE how much he is screwing with Orlan.

So Orlan tells THIS guy the story, and Banjo even throws in fixing Orlan's car as a freebie. He then says Jack is the PERFECT guy for the protection gig, despite being dead.

They head to the cemetery, dig up the corpse, and Brother Banjo do that voodoo that he do so well. And they use the wedding bands as a means to connect the two, so whomever wears the ring, controls Jack.

Orlan doesn't think Jack looks very threatening in his burial suit...so he JUST SO HAPPENS to have a bag filled with leather biker ninja gear to dress him up in.

He commands the zombie to go show off his ninja badassery atop a wall...and the zombie slips and then falls off the other side. Worst...ninja...ever.

Orlan is less than impressed, grumbles that THIS is what he has to protect him from Spitfall's men...and like they have been summoned, three more Legs pop up from behind gravestones. And leads to more amazing fighting.

After one gets accidentally killed by riendly fire, the other two legs pin the zombie to the ground with a sai through his foot...also accidentally, and then they take Orlan to at least meet with Spitfire. Talk about failing upwards.

Spithhelmet says he's sorry this has taken so long, but Orlan is a difficult man to get ahold of. ...THIS IS LITERALLY THE THIRD TIME YOU HAVE MET HIM FACE TO FACE. You could have had this chat at any previous time!

But we finally learn this is all about the MacGuffin, the Urn of Prometheus. It's something a friend of Orlan's is searching for, and when it's found, it will be under heavy guard. So he wants to know where the dig site is, to intercept it.

Have I mentioned their dedication to the spider gimmick?

Orlan is less than cooperative, and the Spiderlord uses some spider eggs that put Orlan under his control. So it's just a matter of time before the urn is found, and SpithyComebachne gets what he wants.

Leg Fall Off Boy lets Orlan go, since he's under control, and the professor finds Maggie at Jack's grave. Which is still all dug up. He does his best to comfort the girl, while zombie Jack watches nearby. Until Jack shoos him away.

Orlan calls his archaeologist friend, and learns the urn has been unearthed, news which quickly reaches the Spider's Man. So he sends his minions, and zombie, to fetch it.

Later, Orlan takes Jack out to get some training, and to 'work out the rigor mortis' hoping that will make him a better fighter than he was the last time.

He even tries to give the zombie a gun, and shoot some targets, revealing he has ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE AIM. And I love it. And yes, this leads to a zombie ninja training montage.

Orlan scolds him for his aim, and this gets even better as Jack just walks up to the bottles and SMASHES THE SHIT OUT OF THEM. Whatever gets the job done, my man.

But the time has come to retrieve the urn, so a bunch of Legs and the Ninja Zombie raid the dig site, wiping out many of the men there.

Once he has the urn, the Red Spiders kill Orlan's friend, and he once again fights back against the spiders trying to control him.

He focuses and commands Jack to fight and kill the Legs, and he pretty much does that in short order.

Orlan writhes in the sand as the eggs threaten to kill him, but Jack shoves his fingers down his master's throat, and causes him to spit them out, saving his life.

He knows he can't let Spindle have the Urn, regardless of what it does, and tells Jack to take it and hide it, and not tell him where.

The Seventh Leg returns to his master, and gives him the bad news. And we all know what Spithracheybreakyheart does with disappointment.

With no other option, he summons his greatest fighter, the Eighth Leg, and surely he will succeed where the previous seven have failed him.

In the meantime, Spittle hires a prostitute to have some fun with, and he does...something we don't see yet, that freaks her right the squawk out. Oooh, secrets.

Now that he is free, Orlan tries to make time with Maggie, which is SO NOT COOL, especially since Jack is literally RIGHT THERE, making comedic interruptions that Mags never sees.

Frustrated by his minion trying to interrupt Orlan making time with his girl, they head to the men's room so they can have words.

Which is when the Eighth Leg shows up to pick a fight. Jack grabs the ring from his pocket, because he's not QUITE crass enough to wear it while hitting on Maggie, and summons his pet zombie to save the day.

The zombie defeats the Leg, and sends him back to Spiderpuss with a message to leave them alone, or he destroys the urn.

Unfortunately, what Orlan fails to notice is that the Eighth Leg has swiped the ring, and takes it back to his master.

Orlan takes Maggie home, which is when he notices the ring is missing. He rushes back to the men's room at the park to look for it, and the Eighth Leg shows up to kidnap the love interest. And Jack is powerless to stop it.

Instead he follows his new master, and goes after Orlan, smearing a message on the wall that he has the girl, and will trade her for the urn.

CAP: You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you apparently you CAN pick your friend's nose!

Now that the zombie has done its work, the spider in his web has no more use for him, and tells Jack to take a long walk off a short pier. ...Say hi to Jason Voorhees while you're down there!

So we end up with Spittwad asking for where his urn is, but Jack legitimately does not know, but since Shelob has the ring, he just has to summon Jack with the urn.

Orlan uses a brief bout of courage and pounces Daddy Long Legs, causing them to struggle over the ring, and it skitters across the floor, buying them some time.

He has Maggie brought in to get the 'threatening the love interest' portion of the movie out of the way. And Spithrachne is so charming and funny and scenery chewy, it just endears this movie to me all the more.

Meanwhile, the one thing I could've done without, as a pair of old ladies take a picnic near the pier, and watch a silly Night of the Living Dead spoof. It's silly, and well executed, but doesn't do much for me other than drag the movie out.

And of all people, it is Maggie who stumbles across the ring, asking anyone to come help her, so her fiance rises from his watery grave, and comes to their rescue.

While Spitt the Elder tortures Orlan to get him to summon Jack, unbeknownst to the spidery badguy, Jack is already on his way. And he stopped to pick up his motorcycle first.

And he uses it to make a grand entrance by crashing into the crypt, taking out the Eighth Leg in the process.

Jack didn't just get his bike, he also brought some grenades and blows shit up as a bonus. But Spithy has the ring, I think, and tells the zombie to stop, and tell him where the Urn of Prometheus is.

Which leads to Jack plunging his hands into his own gut, and pulling the urn out of his stomach. Which is kinda brilliant, especially for one of the undead.

Now that Spithrachnaphobia has the urn, he fills it and says that all one has to do is drink from it, and it renews dead flesh.

Is it a vase, or two faces looking at each other?

While the bad guy prepares his drink, he tells Ninja Zombie to pick up a gun and shoot Maggie, but wouldn't you just know it? Love conquers all.

Jack tosses the gun away, bites off his nemesis' finger, and swallows the ring. So uh, is he now his own master?

And this all leads to Spitify and Jack having their big ninja battle moment, while Orlan tries to grab the gun that's laying around.

During the fight, Scarlet Spider peels away at his face and hands, revealing that he too just so happens to be a zombie, hence his interest in the urn, to pull an Evanessence and bring himself to life.

They believe him humbled and maybe defeated, but he takes the pause in action to grab a wakazashi and run Maggie through with it.

As she dies in Jack's arms, Spithica makes his way to the urn. Orlan kicks the gun to Jack, and he threatens to shoot the urn with it. But if he destroys the urn, yes the bad guy will be defeated, but he can also use it to bring back Maggie and even himself!

Jack does the right thing, shooting at the urn, and wouldn't you just know it? His aim has improved GREATLY since an hour ago, and he actually hits it.

The waters rush over Kaine's hands, and he can feel once more in the hand. But, his hand may live again, however his heart remains dead. And the living flesh causes him great pain, consequently.

Spitiful then uh...bursts into flames. I guess that's what happens. Shrug!

With his work done, Jack goes and scoops up his dead fiance, and gives her the ring he spitds back up and because reasons, this brings her back to life, and I'm not sure if it's LIFE life, or undead life, and the two are now zombies in a mutual control pact or something?

He then walks off with Maggie in his arms and into the sunset...hilariously leaving Orlan behind, still chained to the wall.

Here comes the dead…they are freshly wed…

TRISK ASSESSMEN

Video: Oof, this is rough. I assume this is as best as it’s gonna look, and while it adds to its charm, a lot of dark scenes lose detail. I would give anything to see this cleaned up.

Audio: Pretty decent, but there are a few moments where I lose dialogue.

Sound Bite: “Nothing gives a guy an edge, like a little death.” Brother Banjo

Body Count: Mmmm, so many legs torn off of spiders.

1 and 2 - Four minutes in, and two muggers get their throats slashed by Spinrachna or whatevs.
3 - Our hero dies at the hands of Spithrachne
4 - And then he kills his First Leg
5 - Second Leg accidentally killed by his partners
6 - Dude at dig site gets marked
7 - Professor gets marked too
X - Everyone else at the dig site appears to be killed
8 - The Third Leg loses an arm
9 - The Fourth Leg gets jabbed in the eye
10 - The Fifth Leg gets jabbed in the leg, or the crotch
11 - The Sixth Leg gets his neck snapped.
12 - Spithrachne takes his Seventh Leg's head when he returns with bad news
13 - We find out the hooker got webbed up.
14 - Eighth Leg dies when Jack crashes the party
15 - Spithrachne goes up in smoke

Best Corpse: Hmmm, that’s a tough one, since while there’s a lot of deaths, they go by quick. But since Spithrachne goes up in flames, that’ll get my vote. The poor schmuck who gets a dozen ninja stars in his back is a close second.

Blood Type - C: Not a whole lot, but I like the zombie effect, and Spith’s torn up face is solid.

Sex Appeal: A brief scene of Maggie getting changed is all there is

Drink Up! Every time one of the Legs gets killed.

Video Nasties: After a long time with nothing really catching my interest, I just gotta share the scene with Brother Banjo messing with Orlan

Movie Review: If you ignore the fact the budget is probably a stick of gum, a cup of coffee, and the change in their sofa, this actually isn’t half bad. The story is coherent, with a good sense of fun to it. They knew what they were making. And yes, Spith’s throne looks cheap, the sets leave much to be desired at times, and there’s not much there, but…it works. It’s well directed, it’s well told, and the acting is solid enough. A very very solid three out of five Urns of Prometheus.

Entertainment Value: If you hadn’t sussed it by now…I freaking LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS MOVIE. I thought it was gonna be dumb (Which is just fine by me) and when I started watching it, it looked so cheap, I thought I was in for a rough ride. But it won me over INSTANTLY with Spithrachne’s charm and humour. The silly action. Brother Banjo also did a lot to win me over. This movie was just sheer, silly, unabashedly fun to watch. And for all its silliness, it’s clever at times, the Spider Clan gimmick is well thought out, and the whole thing just works! Four out of five Legs.