Splatter University (1984)
SPLATTER UNIVERSITY
WRITER: Richard W. Haines
DIRECTOR: Richard W. Haines
STARRING: Francine Forbes as Julie Parker
Ric Randig as Mark Hammond
Dick Biel as Father Janson
QUICK CUT: A young woman starts her first teaching job, and discovers the job can be a real killer.
THE MORGUE
Julie - A fresh out of school teacher, who is always helpful, wanting to push boundaries, and a bit skittish. But understandably so, considering.
Mark - Julie’s boyfriend, who has a nasty habit of creeping around, and with more than a few secrets.
Father Janson - The priest who runs St. Trinian’s, and he just wants to make sure the school runs smoothly, with as few incidents as possible.
I’m gonna major in Savininomics!
TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! We are still in full blown back to school mode, but we have survived the end of the world, and are on to university! SPLATTER University!
The movie opens up by telling us a paranoid schizophrenic has gone missing, but we soon find him when one of the staff of the asylum goes into the bathroom, and he gets stabbed in the dick. Now that is one way to start your movie. And I approve.
After Graham escapes into the credits, we jump ahead three years to St. Trinian's college, where a teacher is staying late to grade some papers, and there's a knock on her classroom door. She asks who is it, and gets no response, because no one in this movie knows how door etiquette works.
Since no one responded, she thinks it's a good idea to open the door and see who it is...and gets stabbed in the boob. This is off to a GREAT start.
This is why you shouldn’t hold it in if you gotta go.
We jump ahead AGAIN because heaven forbid we stay in one time longer than the Doctor, and we meet new prospective teacher Julie, meeting the priest in charge. He informs her of the fate of her predecessor, Ms. Stabbedinboob.
She shrugs it off, mostly, and heads to the place where she's renting a room to settle in. The movie uses the opportunity to build some tension with an unseen figure PoVing up the stairs to Julie's apartment.
When someone knocks on the door, Julie calls out, but AGAIN the person doesn't answer! And it happens again!! What is it with people and common door protocol in this movie??
Who unpacks like this?!
You know…if I’m screencapping someone’s laundry, you know there’s something off with the movie…Ahem.
After that, we meet a bunch of students who, in any other movie, would be our canon fodder for the film. In this movie though, they are purely here to pad things out. No seriously, the director admits to this.
This is a shame, since one of the kids, Wolf, needs to die. He lets out an AWOOOHOOOH every few minutes he's on screen.
Fortunately, the kids do interact in small ways with the rest of the movie, which we'll get to, but for the most part they only trade glancing blows with the plot. You could, without exaggeration, remove all the student scenes from this movie, and not affect things at all. Save for maybe one or two scenes.
And it's all capped off with a comical tire screech as they leave the scene.
Rock climbing in human form.
Julie has a bit of a run in with an abortion topic in a Catholic school, gets reprimanded for it, but it mostly goes well. On her way out, she sees Father Janson, who is parapalegic, have a muscle spasm in a leg, and it's a very awkard moment!
Meanwhile, back with the Pointless Crew, one of the kids is cheating on his girlfriend with another girl, and they have a serious talk about condoms. Abortions? Condoms? This is more socially conscious than most horror movies, at least.
Also, someone creeps up on the apartment and climbs in through the window and AH HA HA IT IS ONLY WOLF AND THE REST OF THE GANG.
Fortunately this eventually ends up with one of the kids leaving, and getting sliced up by the killer finally returning to the plot. And since most of this group’s scenes are forgettable, I can thankfully skip past the bulk of them, save for being a snarky asshole.
Just a little off the top!
Back at school, Julie is getting some work done, when someone knocks on her door, she asks who is it, and YOU GUESSED IT the person doesn't respond! WHAT IS IT WITH THIS PLACE?? Also, ANOTHER time jump snuck in here.
However, it's just Mark, they go out for a bite to eat, and she asks for more information about her predecessor. Mark's a bit squirrely about it, lies about it, and goes straight to the top of the suspect list.
So one of the girls is pregnant, wondering what to do, and talks to Julie about it. Julie can't tell her what to do, but does offer some information about a place she knows to get the job done. It's this tiny little brothel in the bad part of town, but don't let them flush your baby into the sewers! There's radioactive waste down there that will bring it back as a giant monster with placental window treatments!
Julie has a date with Mark, they hang out at his apartment, and then suddenly cut to the outside..."Are we going back to your apartment??" YOU WERE JUST THERE TWO FRAMES AGO!! What is this editing, Night Train to Terror??
Some of the kids head off to the drive in, and I am sure nothing bad will happen there, like a Drive In Massacre...
Tom sees something outside, assumes it's one of the gang trying to prank them, and goes to yell at his friends. When he doesn't return though, Cathy goes looking for him, and gets her throat slit. Nice touch with no one thinking anything about the scream, since they're watching a horror movie at the drive in.
I do love that the killer takes her back to the car, props her up, and when Tom returns he thinks she's just upset, so watches the rest of the movie next to a corpse.
C’mon, babe! Talk to me? Cat got your tongue??
There's a lot of grief over Cathy's death, one of the students talks to a priest which leads to her meeting him later to be groped (Oh lovely) and Mark wanders around being creepy.
Oh, and Julie's landlady throws in, "Those horror movies! Putting ideas in people's heads!" NO you do not get to be that self aware!
Eventually, Julie clicks into Mark's creepiness, and decides to investigate his apartment one day, moving the plot along.
He’s not a killer, just a packarat.
Mark returns home early though, and Julie runs off...leaving all the stuff she uncovered out and in the open, because she is a terrible detective.
The next day or so, some students are milling outside a classroom, and Julie lets them in since she has a key to her friend's room...but then they find the missing teacher slashed up in the closet. This school has a high turnover rate.
Janson finds Julie later, and she tells him that she's leaving the position, what with all the death. He tries to talk her out of it, saying she's in no danger. Uh huh. Finding corpses in the closet is perfectly normal.
The janitor must be getting seriously sick of this shit.
He talks her into sleeping on it at least, or so he thinks, and she heads home. She tells the land lady that she's leaving, and they discuss how much rent she is going to get paid back, since she's put some money down. THRILL at the action of, will she get her deposit back??
We at least sprinkle in another death of a random girl in the bathroom to keep things interesting.
As if that wasn't enough, we get to watch Julie packing up, and it never seems to all go back the same as when you first got there, does it??
We cut back to one of the kids, who gets stabbed in the mouth for good measure. I notice that all the deaths are women, but that's a rant for another day.
Say AAAAAHHH!
Before she leaves though, Julie decides to confess her suspicions to Father Janson, and arranges to meet him at the school.
However, Mark shows up first, being all in her face, and a jerk, wanting to now what's up, and he tries to explain, but she hits him over the head and runs off.
So she runs to the church and tells Janson that Mark is the killer, and Mark rushes to the school as well.
I kick ass for the lord!
But surprise! Janson CAN walk, and HE is the killer! ...Honestly, I kinda love the twist. It's maybe a bit too obvious, but still works.
She knees him in the balls (Serves him right for the dickstab) and the chase is on through the corridors of the school. With Mark trying to find his way inside.
Julie finds the other teacher dead in the bathroom and this is just NOT her week, huh? She's never gonna open a door again.
In other news, a cameraman was stabbed in the face today…
Mark finally finds his way inside...but he is too late, because Janson finds Julie first and...actually kills her! That is...genuinely shocking. I hate it from a sense of agency, but love the shock of it.
The boyfriend catches up with Julie, and is just about ready to tell her an I told you so, but hurries to Father Janson and they each want to put blame on the other.
Fortunately, the blood on the cross that ISN'T from Christ, actually shows it was Janson all along, they lock him back up, and oh yeah, he was the escaped mental patient, in case that wasn't clear.
And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you kids and your lousy saviour!!
TRISK ASSESSMENT
Video: It looks really good for a trashy 1980s slasher. Vinegar Syndrome always does quality work.
Audio: Another solid mix. Nothing special, but does what it has to do.
Sound Bite: "She won't go back to that drive in!" "So what? You gotta find a new drive in??" "Nah, new girlfriend! I like the movies they show there."
Body Count: A respectable enough amount, but no real standouts.
1 - Orderly knifed in the dick, two minutes in!
2 - Teacher knifed in the boob!
3 - Doreen gets cut across the head.
4 - Cathy gets her throat slit, and was pregnant, so that's a twofer!
5 - Julie finds Cynthia in the closet.
6 - Another girl gets sliced in the gut.
7 - Redhead knifed in the mouth
8 - Julie gets killed!
Best Corpse: This week, it’s gotta be Cynthia in the closet, since it’s one of the few bodies we see.
Blood Type - C+: Not a whole lot of blood or effects, but many points awarded for Cynthia drenched in it.
Sex Appeal: Nothing I recall, surprisingly.
Drink Up! Every time you hear the song Fugitive Kind, or whatever it’s called. They paid for one song, and they’re gonna use it!
Movie Review: This is fairly well made, and the main plot is good, with two solid enough twists too it. However, the padding shoved in of the added students, really wrecks it. They are too far removed from the plot, and contribute barely anything but running out the clock. That, combined with a number of scenes that go nowhere, tend to make the movie a real slog at times. Two out of five knives hidden in a crucifix.
Entertainment Value: There’s not much here, and the movie can be a trial at times. But when it goes, it does go pretty well. It’s a bunch of decent ideas, in an overbloated runtime. The acting is nicely camp, the kids sadly end up more annoying than fun, and again pointless, but almost bring some levity. Still I enjoy the movie for some shocks, and the final act works. It just wandered too far. Three out of five dickstabs.
