Thankskilling 3 (2012)
THANKSKILLING 3
WRITER: Kevin Stewart, Jordan Downey, Mike Will Downey
DIRECTOR: Jordan Downey
STARRING: Dan Usaj as Uncle Donny
Joe Hartzler as Jefferson
Preston Altree as Nibla
Mark M as Flowis
QUICK CUT: When his best means of income disappears, Turkie seeks a means to keep going in this rough world of ours.
THE MORGUE
Turkie - Our villain, a cursed ancient turkey, who is determined to make the world pay for his long suffering. May it be through a curse, with a chainsaw, or by terrible puns, everyone shall pay.
Nibla - Turkie’s son, who just wants to impress dad. Even if he has no taste for the family business.
Yomi - A puppet who has lost her mind. She is naive to a fault and then some.
Uncle Donny - An actual human in this puppet filled monstrosity. He is an entrepeneur, a fan of Thanksgiving, and hopefully the next Walt Disney.
Flowis - The grandmother of Donny’s friend, Jefferson. She’s a wanna be rapper, foul mouthed, and a giant puppet.
Thanks for nothing.
TRISK ANALYSIS: Happy post Triskgiving, everybody! I hope everyone's holiday was tryptophantastic, and you all enjoyed time with your family. Me, I spent my holidays with this turkey, Thankskilling 3. Yeah, that's right, Thankskilling 3. I made a joke in the last review about 'losing' the second movie, but the truth is, if you know this series, there IS no Thankskilling 2. Yes, they took the old Spaceballs 3 joke of "The Search for Spaceballs 2" and ran with it.
Truth be told I...forgot about the sequel when I was making my schedule for November. And by the time I remembered, I really liked he whole Harvest theme, and since I had a convenient hole in December, I decided rather than put this movie off for ANOTHER year, December 1st was close enough to Thanksgiving that I'd go with it. So here we are. Let's just carve right in and see what antics Turkie is up to this time.
Much like the original, this movie also promises boobs in the opening seconds of the film. Unlike its predecessor, this movie actually delivers on the promise on time.
Although I am pretty sure that ruins the pressure suit…
Aside from the gratuitous female nudity, we see Turkie and Captain Pie Lett, in space, and this is all footage from the lost TK2. A voiceover soon informs us that it was the worst movie ever made, and let me tell ya. The footage we just saw? Already puts it head and shoulders of at LEAST 15% of the movies we have done here in the last ten years.
But anyways, they pulled an ET on the release, took all the DVDs off into the desert, and torched them, rather than chance destroying the universe with the film.
We are also introduced to the puppet who is ostensibly the 'hero' of this movie, Yomi, who has lost her mind. Why? What does it have to do with the movie? Nothing! Absolutely nothing!
Yomi’s not doing anything until Yomi has had a fucking cup of coffee.
After the destruction of the discs, is when two other characters arrive; Muff the android soldier, and Rhonda Worm. They survey the destruction, and know Turkie is gonna be pissed, because this was gonna be his big payday. And it is with the greatest will in the world that I am discussing ANY of this seriously.
Speaking of Turkie, we finally get to meet him, on his 514th birthday, with his wife, and son, Nibla. It's very much done in the style of a classic 80s sitcom.
While watching TV, Turkie hears the news of the movie's destruction, and that's when the rage builds within him to seek vengeance.
Who wants to slice the turkey??
Showing how much of an unrepentant shit Turkie is, he murders his wife and child. He uses his child's very soul to seek out and find the one copy of Thankskilling 2 that remains in existence, and this leads him to Yomi.
But I am getting ahead of myself, so let’s get back to Nomi, she has found herself in a trash bin, staring at a sign for the Pluckmaster 3000, that will give you 'peace of mind'. So when she sees the man behind the invention, she tries to use him to find her own mind. Yomi is...not very bright.
She wants to know where she can find Thanksgiving, and Uncle Donny, despite not wanting to get involved, decides to take pity on the puppet, taking her home to show her Thanksgiving.
This will not be the weirdest thing we see during this movie.
At Donny's place, we meet Jefferson, his dorky friend and would be head of security for their dream amusement park, Thanksgivingland. Also, Jefferson's mother Flowis, an elderly woman in a wheelchair, who is emulating a black rapper. She's filthy mouthed and an aspiring rapper, herself. And she's a puppet. Because they couldn't hire a real person?
Nibla's soul possesses the last DVD, in Yomi's backpack, and Turkie follows the clues to Donny's house. Jefferson gets the door, and is immediately longpiked through the face.
Flowis also reveals the original Pluckmaster 1, and when Yomi tries to use it to help bake pies, Uncle Donny loses his shit, since he has bad memories tied to it. We will get to those shortly.
Who wants some leg?
Before he can destroy the rest of the crew, a disembodied voice leads them into the pantry, and they end up outside. Huh, just like the door in the Smithsonian that leads to a desert in Washington DC, in that Transformers movie...
While they journey through the forest, Donny Exposition gives his backstory, and we learn his wife and child died when he sent them out for stuffing to test out the Pluckmaster. But they ran afoul of wolves who devoured them. As it happens.
Before this can get any more morose and/or absurd, they meet the Wise Turkey at the gates of the...Featherworld. The Wise Turkey enlists our...heroes, in a quest to destroy Turkie once and for all, the last of the Feathren. I take it back, it got plenty more absurd
Strike me down, and I will become more tasty than you can possibly imagine.
They return back to Donny's house...and everything goes on a psychadelic acid trip, as Turkie tries to seduce the Mindless One to give him the movie.
He does get the disc, but fortunately Rhonda and MUFF arrive and blast Turkie. Donnie activates the original Pluckmaster, sucking Turkie into it, and scattering his remains all over the lawn.
So, Turkie is dead! There's not much more movie left, right? RIGHT??
Ikara lives!!
Unfortunately...no. The DVD still exists, and it is revealed that while filming, Turkie was slipping bits of a curse into his performance. A curse that, upon being watched, would visit massive suffering upon any viewer.
So Rhonda has to use MUFF's vortex, located in his ass, to blast the disc into space, where it can be destroyed, and properly end the curse.
While we sit and watch a worm shove itself up a robot's ass to open a vortex to the depths of space...you know what, fuck this movie.
The skeletons? Their own thing!
ANYways, Turkie summons some skeleturkeys to reconstruct him, but they can't find his dick. So he replaces his cock with a chainsaw.
Yes, this movie features a zombie undead reconstructed talking turkey puppet with a chainsaw dick. Who quips when he fires it up, "Gravy." No. No no NO NO NO no. No noooope no.
Turkie busts back into the cabin, murders Flowis, and wreaks general havoc, until MUFF jumps up, closing the vortex.
Everyone fights over the DVD, and Turkie hacks Yomi into tiny felt pieces. He takes the movie, and jumps through Donny's oven and straight into Hell. As you do.
I feel unclean watching this.
But it's okay! Yomi is of a species that what we know as puppets are based on! She can easily be brought back to life by shoving a hand up her ass! ... I swear to the Phoenix, every sentence of this review has been a sentence I never thought I would right.
While she was dead, Nomi saw her mind with Turkie in hell, so I guess we know where we have to go. Well, Yomi and Rhonda Worm need to go, because everyone else is too big to fit into the oven.
I am not even gonna get into Rhonda becoming a hot dog for five seconds of film.
Lest you think I was joking, the movie is just that random.
While those two journey through Turkey Hell and get into some pretty insipid adventures, Donnie tries to fix the Pluckmaster 1.
Down in hell, they finally find Turkie, plugging his DVD son into some strange device that will beam the movie to every streaming device. And I would say 'the suffering begins' but that started, oh, an hour and fifteen minutes ago.
We also decide to introduce a giant hulking monstrosity that should be called Frankenturkey, but he insists on being called Blarth. I mean, sure, Frankenturkey was the DOCTOR. Blarth is Frankenturey's Monster.
If I had to watch a a puppet sucking off a worm, YOU have to see a puppet sucking off a worm.
Rhonda distracts the creature, as Yomi grabs Nibla and the DVD out of the device, so the trio can make a run for it.
Blarth is unable to squeeze through the door of the oven though, and comes face to face with MUFF's proton cannon. Everyone celebrates, and MUFF overly hugs Rhonda. Not wanting to live without his friend, the android shoots himself in the face.
Can this damned movie just be over already??
Instead, Turkie climbs out of hell, and Wise Turkey shows up to stop his old friend. Which is when the movie changes into a video game for a bit. Not sure if this is a sign the movie ran out of budget, or this would've cost more than doing the puppet work.
FINISH HIM.
Donny and Yomi try and get MUFF fixed enough to open the vortex, and try and remember the passcode, but fortunately RHONA IS A WORM and regrows himself from a piece of his old self.
With the vortex reopened, they FINALLY toss the disc in, while Turkie beheads the Wise Turkey. He then attacks Yomi, and when things seem at their bleakest, which is saying something for this movie, the kid grabs the magic wishbone she got earlier, and stabs Turkie with it.
The severed head of Turkie attacks Yomi as the vortex threatens to suck her in, and Donny holds on to her. Eventually, Turkie is pulled into the vortex, Yomi says her good byes, and follows her mind through the vortex, with the last copy of Thankskilling 2.
Finally.
I watch high quality cinema.
We wrap this turkey up with Donny finally building Thanksgivingland, forever watched over by its head of security ghost, Jefferson. MUFF is repaired with pieces of the original Pluckmaster, and Rhonda sings us out so we can get this over with.
Oh, and be sure to stay through the credits to see Flowi’s rap video debut!! NO DON’T SAVE YOURSELF RUN! RUUUNNNN!!
TRISK ASSESSMENT
Video: It looks pretty great, as it should for coming out in 2012.
Audio: Same, perfectly good.
Sound Bite: "I don't have a PhD in ass vortexes!!"
Body Count: I am genuinely surprised this movie had as many deaths as it did.
1 - Turkie kills his wife almost 12 minutes in
2 - Nibla goes splat
3 - Jefferson gets his long pike
4 - Turkie gets sucked into the Pluckmaster 1.
5 - Flowis gets killed by Turkie
6 - Yomi gets hacked up
7 - Muff blasts Blarth in the face.
8 - Muff overly hugs Rhonda
9 - And then commits suicide instead of living without Rhonda
10 - Wise Turkey gets beheaded by Turkie
11 - Turkie gets blased through the vortex and dispersed.
12 - Nomie gets atomised in the portal
13 - And so does Nibla
Best Corpse: Jefferson is like the only death of an actual human we actually get to see.
Blood Type - C+: Not bad, but not great. The biggest moment of blood is Jefferson’s death.
Sex Appeal: Nothing post space boobs.
Drink Up! Every time this movie does anything.
Movie Review: Just…what the fuck. What the fuck was this? What the fuck, movie? Okay okay, yes, the plot is actually coherent, and there is a story there, but what the fuck? I didn’t even get into half the randomness of this movie. I never mentioned Meowmir. I never got into Greg Garbage. There’s a story here, the movie is well made enough, but it’s also just so random with many many dopey or disgusting things that just leave you scratching your head. Three out of five Pluckmasters, because it at least is coherent. Barely.
Entertainment Value: To be fair, the first time I watched this, I was immediately ready to restructure the worst movies I’ve ever seen list, and slot this in somewhere. After the repeated viewings I’ve done since last year, for this review, I have softened slightly on it, and while it still probably lands on that list, it’s not towards the top, and I had more fun with it after I knew what I was in for. I still roll my eyes at a LOT and punch my face every time I see Meowmir, but I had some fun, Donny’s arc is actually well done, but there’s so much batshit weirdness gross out goofy stuff here. Three out of five Yomis.
