Dark Harvest (1992) — Triskaidekafiles

DARK HARVEST

WRITER: James L. Nicholson

DIRECTOR: James L. Nicholson

STARRING: David Kramer as Tom

Jamee Natella as Mary Anne

Debbie O'der as Lori

Cooper Anderson as Alex

Patti Negri as Mellissa

Tracy Vivat as Jude

Dan Weiss as Frank

Tina Marie Moore as Sandy

Dawn Denoon as Kim

Victor Orlando as Chuck the Ranger

QUICK CUT: On a trip into the desert, a group of young adults need to try and bond to find their way out.

THE MORGUE

Hnngh. This is another instance of too many characters with not enough personality. When your movie has so many characters that the only way I can keep them straight is to write all their names down and short descriptions, more work needs to be done.

We’ve got a bumper crop of Dark this season!

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! November is here, and harvest time comes. Which means I decided to review Dark Harvest, an obscure little movie that...you know, I don't even know how to sum this up, so lets just dive right on in.

The movie opens up on a couple driving through the middle of nowhere, pulling up to the middle of nowhere, and trying to find their way out of the middle of nowhere. The wife is none to happy to be lost in the desert, and they yell at each other for a bit.

While they argue, Ricky insists she put her jacket over her barley there shirt, and she retorts there's no one there to see her, except for maybe that scarecrow. A scarecrow which is now gone.

Ricky thinks he sees someone and goes to investigate, always a bright idea! He runs right into the missing scarecrow, which then attacks him.

Oh, he also found a dead body we see briefly, but we never find out who it is, but hey! More gore!

The woman screams, drawing the attention of the scarecrow, who chases after her, and stabs her with the first stick he can get his hands on. Musta thought she was a vampire.

And right out of the gate, let me just say, this movie has a WONDERFULLY bleak look and feel to it. You know how the MST3K crew describe Manos as having that 'last known picture' feel to it? Yeah, you get that here too.

Complete with a zombie Torgo!

With our interest at least piqued, we meet our actual canon fodder as they're off on some weekend getaway horse riding trip to show them around the badlands.

Oh good, I can tell this is a high quality movie already, if I hadn't figured that out by that opening scene. Wind noise muffling the dialogue, always a good sign!

Their guide takes a supposed shortcut, and that doesn't go too well, so they stop at a gas station. But when the mechanic hears they're gonna take Junction 59, he goes into full blown Harbinger mode, warning them not to take that road.

As their guide tries to sort things out, everyone on the trip does introductions so we can forget who everyone is, and...how did they get this far before doing this part??

But wouldn't you know it? After a few hours, their fuel pump dies, and they are stranded. They decide to hike up to the camp, and start their horseback journey from there. Which still leaves the question of how they're getting the thing fixed later, but whatever. Tally ho!

More introductions go around, including their tour guide giving his name. After five hours, they finally know the man leading them to their death. LOVELY.

Here’s your canon fodder for the movie. Good luck remembering any of them.

Also, yay, bad exposition via forced introductions. Another classic hallmark of groundbreaking cinema.

They hike for a few hours shooting the shit, and Alex suddenly notices a house, and, okay. I'm just gonna say it. This is a shitty, shitty guide. He doesn't know where they're going while driving, he doesn't know what to do when they break down, he doesn't know how to get to the camp, and doesn't recognise landmarks.

He also doesn't recognise this house, and finds it odd to be all the way out here, with no neighbours, no roads, no lights, no phone, no motorocars, not a single luxury!

MISSING AD

Sandy says that there's gotta be nobody home then, so taking some time to break into this house, rest up a bit, and get some shade after hiking in the sun, sounds like a good idea! No! No it most certainly does not! Nothing good comes from entering abandoned homes in the middle of middle of nowhere, with an incredible sense of isolation! Do you want Demon Wind? Because this is how you get Demon Wind!

Everyone breaks into the house, while Frank and Melissa sneak off to an outbuilding to see what's over there, and to have some alone time. *wiink!*

While they chill out, Mandy pokes Alex a bit to learn about their guide, and we get an insight into his character. He talks about how he loves to hunt, loves getting into the mind of his prey, figuring out how it thinks, and this will not come back into play at all during any time in the next hour.

Oh no, are they gonna start kissing for three minutes straight??

Kim suddenly lets out a scream, but it's only because of a dead...dog? I think? Or she was scared by a mop, one of those.

But this also draws the attention of the MAN WHO ACTUALLY LIVES THERE and he rightly holds the home invaders off at gunpoint.

They explain they didn't think anyone lived there, and the guy shouts well there's no signs of life, why WOULD YOU think anyone lived here... Right?? So everything's cool, and he explains the place used to belong to his brother and some friends, but they're all dead. It's just him and his dog Lassie

Aaand Kim gives the most hilarious look over to the ragmop.

Uhhh, about Lassie…I think she…went home…

So everyone either died or left, and Hillbilly Hank thinks the same thing killed them what killed all the wheat. But Kim doesn't remember seeing any wheat out there! EXACTLY KIM.

Hillbilly Hank talks about the wheat, the deaths, the mines closing up, and it sure sounds like this entire place is cursed. Another pile of things that shall go largely unexplained.

They finally decide to continue on their hike, and Alex immediately sees something and runs off. Frank checks the binocculars out, sees it's a person, and they all run after it.

And we get a wideshot, and even I can tell...it's not a person. It's a scarecrow. No need for urgency. Anyone should be able to see.

One of the people asks, "What the hell is that?" WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A SCARECROW IS??

Mary Anne reaches out to touch the scarecrow, and this triggers an earthquake. As you do. Complete with hilarious camera shaking and acting.

Once everyone has their feet back under them, Alex checks the compass to see which way to go and...wouldn't you know it? The compass isn't working! Worst...guide...ever.

They keep walking until night falls, and decide to make camp. Except Judy has had enough of this bullshit and is gonna try walking back to the truck. Which is such a bad idea. It's like, six hours back to the truck, then another six back to civilisation?? Just find basecamp and they can fix everything.

Judy heads out with Kim in tow, and hands them a flare gun so they can send up a signal every 45 minutes in case they get lost.

And it appears we have hit our sluggish middle act as the remainder of the group sits around the campfire trying to tell scary stories in the dark.

You know what would be better than scary stories? SCARY THINGS HAPPENING.

Everyone goes around to reveal their fantasy, and we'll see if anyone's actually comes true by the end of this mess.

They all turn in for the night, until one of them wakes up from a horrible nightmare, and someone notices the scarecrow they made camp around has gone missing.

Meanwhile, we catch up with Judy and Kim, as Judy has become frustrated in their decision to go hiking back to where they were four hours ago, in the middle of the night. Surprise!

But we do at least cut away to a scarecrow randomly murdering a guy with a shovel, so that's something at least.

We then cut to Tom chasing after three beautiful beach babes, which is what he wished for! who them turn into scarecrows...BUT IT WAS ALL A DREAM. So much for interesting things.

What do you expect? They're SCAREcrows, not PlayNiceCrows.

Judy and Kim get woken up the next day by two redneck twins who threaten them if they don't pay up. But since they don't have enough money for a stay at the Trendy Towers, they have other ways of paying...*WINK!*

As they nearly get raped, Judy grabs the flare gun, and presumably kills one of the hillbillies with it. I say presumably, because this is very obviously not the sort of movie that can afford shooting a guy with a flare and setting him on fire. Sigh.

Then it's back to the campers, with some of them off exploring the ridge, and the rest chatting in a HORRIBLY shot scene. Every line of dialogue Alex delivers, his face is off screen. And the rest of the time, you see half of a person's head.

Why are we just chillin' when they should be finding their way out??

We wander over to Tom and Laurie, just hangin' out, and she tells her fiance that she isn't sure she wants to get married.

She doesn't really have a good reason, but makes a valiant attempt to use the scarecrow as a metaphor, no longer caring about anything.

Of course, while she's pouring her heart out, Tom puts his headphones on, so I'd say she's making the right choice.

Another plot point that has zero bearing on the story.

Frank finally tells Melissa he's leaving his wife and gonna marry her, so they decide to bang each other right there on the ridge, and WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BEING LOST??

So it is with much glee that I announce the scarecrows finally arrive and pitchfork Frank right through the back. Finally.

Also, he died having sex, just like he wished, so at least someone's getting what they asked for. Literally!

Melissa runs off, and finds some people to help her, and wouldn't you just know it? She runs into more scarecrows. Scarecrows everywhere!!

She finds her way back to camp after getting soup or boiling water or antifreeze (Hey, it was green!) thrown in her face by the scarecrows...so at least SOMEone in this movie has a sense of direction.

Meanwhile, Ranger Chuck finds the van broken down, so at someone knows they're missing now, and can come save the day.

The campers put Melissa down to rest and recover from her burned face, wonder where Frank is, and wait patiently for death, wondering who could have hurt her.

Melissa croaks out, "Scare...scare...scarecrooow!" And of COURSE! That all makes sense! it's not the wild mountain man with a shotgun, or an angry boyfriend, it's a SCARECROW! Because if you don't eliminate any of the possible solutions, it must be, no matter how improbable, the impossible!

Also there is some tortured logic that the scarecrow couldn't have been hanging up there for 15 years! There's no crows, no corn, it was there to scare THEM! I...what?

Oops, sorry, so sorry to bother you, sorry sorry…

Feeling a need to protect his charges, Alex goes after the scarecrow that invades their camp, shouting, "I'm gonna go git it!!" Oh yeah, great plan, rush off into the darkness to shoot at scarecrows.

Tom wants to rush off and help, but the ladies tell him to stay put, as Alex gets mauled by scarecrows. Finally he tags himself in anyways, taking most of the girls with him. The exception is Sandy, who gets grabbed by scarecrows and dragged off.

In the darkness, the group finds something that freaks them out, but I can't see what it is, and they slip into a ravine, knocking themselves out for the night.

Tom wakes up freaking out, suddenly concerned about Laurie's well being, and he's practically hysterical. Laurie calms him down enough to get him back to the campsite, at least.

Fortunately, Laurie IS at the campsite, and so is Sandy! Well...Sandy is hung up like a scarecrow and missing an eye, with a sickle embedded in her skull, but she's there!

Tom figures nothing bad happened until it was dark, so they've got plenty of time to escape and find help. Aha ha ha ha, you have zero idea how wrong you are, pal.

Fortunately, they find a car almost immediately and rush on up to it. Tom climbs in, so grateful, saying he's so happy he could kiss his saviour and...

Where we’re going, we don’t need scarecrows.

BAHAHAHA, the scarecrow is just...chillin' out and sitting in the car. Waiting for some hapless victim to get in?? WHAT THE HELL. This movie just went from good to GREAT. And BATSHIT.

As they run off, our survivors eventually find the Trendy Towers, and their dead friends, assuming it was the scarecrows. Sigh, always blaming the little man for crimes they didn't commit.

Chuck finally finds the camp, and its pile of dead bodies, and the still recovering Melissa. He drives off to get help, dropping Melissa to the ground to lay there as he does so.

Meanwhile, Tom runs around and finds a helicopter, and thank god! Another way out! Surely this won't be another vehicle laden with scarecrows just waiting to pounce!

CAP: COME BAAAACK!

HAHAHAH NOPE IT TOTALLY IS. This is THE BEST running gag EVER!! Please, PLEASE let this follow the rule of threes and there is another scarecrow waiting in a boat, or something. Who even comes up with this??

But I have SO MANY QUESTIONS as our little band of survivors stumbles through the badlands. Where did that helicopter come from? Do the scarecrows just sit around, waiting, for days, weeks, months, hoping someone comes along for them to prank??

Laurie finally can't go on any more and falls to the ground. And Tom goes from "I CAN'T LEEEEEAVE HERRRRR" to "Fuck her, I'm tired of your bullshit!" in record time.

They come across a cave, and yeah, if a car and a helicopter didn't help, I don't see what good a cave is gonna do. Probably FILLED with scarecrows.

So they enter the cave, find a skeleton, clutching at some old papers. Tom grabs them, and reads them, and it turns out the papers are an old contract, signed between a native chief, and a general.

And SOMEhow, Mary Anne actually knows what it's about. And I am shocked we are JUST NOW getting backstory with five minutes to go.

And by 'backstory' I literally mean she says "something happened and they were cursed". With a voodoo doll. Oh, fuck you movie. Two different practices, two different groups, and also 'cursed BY scarecrows'?? WHAT?

Tom grabs at the voodoo doll (hssss) and causes another earthquake. Since they're in a cave, they naturally try and run out of the death trap, but a scarecrow jumps out and beheads Tom.

Laurie and Mary Anne think they're doomed, with the scarecrow blocking the entrance, until Laurie hugs the other girl, shoves her back into the cave, making a run for it.

The scarecrow grabs her, and Laurie's noble sacrifice allows Mary Anne to run off into the desert, until Chuck comes along. Hey, she got her Jeep! Anyways, Chuck asks the girl if she's one of the lost.

Mary Anne replies, "Not anymore" and continues walking down the road into the credits. What in the seven hells is that ending supposed to even mean??

And so many questions. What are the scarecrows? That 'backstory' was horrible. What did they want? Why was this happening? How did they get so hopelessly lost?

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: WOW does this look bad. I already went into the bleakness, but the quality is like, sixth genertion VHS tape quality? Look at those images!!

Audio: Servicable, at least. But there’s a few moments of mumbling that get swallowed up, and I needed to throw captions on.

Body Count: At least this was a decent amount of bodies, and spread out well.

1 - Guy gets necked by the scarecrow, 3:30 minutes or so.

2 - His girlfriend gets stabbed shortly after.

3 - Scarecrow enthusiastically clobbers a guy over the head with a shovel.

4 - Hillbilly #1 killed by a flare

5 - Kim gets shot by the other Hillbilly.

6 - And then Judy

7 - Frank gets pitchforked by the scarecrow

8 - Alex gets buried in scarecrows.

9 - Sandy gets dragged off and probably killed

10 - Tom gets his head shoveled off.

11 - Laurie sacrifices herself

Best Corpse: Sandy, since we got to see her crucified, and her face ripped up.

Blood Type - D+: Not much blood, but a few okay effects that give it a nudge.

Sex Appeal: Some slight toplessness from Sandy.

Drink Up! every time you struggle to remember who anyone is.

Movie Review: I was…genuinely shocked by how much I enjoyed this. When I first saw it, I thought it was going to be rough, getting that Manos vibe, but then it took off…it slowed right back down again, but then sprinted at the end. It doesn’t look good, the story and motivations and characters are barely there, but at least there is an overarching story I can track the broad strokes of. It’s nonsense, but its enjoyable nonsense, and put together well enough. Three out of five scarecrow cars

Entertainment Value: If it wasn’t for the utterly bonkers behaviour of the scarecrows being absolutely inexplicable, this would be terrible. But it goes in strange, genuinely unexpected directions, and that saves it. What a ride. It’s just so compellingly weird. It’s a trip I am glad I went on. Four out of five broken down vans.