Thankskilling (2009) — Triskaidekafiles

THANKSKILLING

WRITER: Kevin Stewart and Jordan Downey

DIRECTOR: Jordan Downey

STARRING: Lance Predmore as Johnny

Lindsey Anderson as Kristen

Ryan Francis as Darren

Aaron Carlson as Billy

Natasha Cordova as Ali

Chuck Lamb as Sheriff Roud

General Bastard as Oscar the Hermit

QUICK CUT: A group of friends head home over Thanksgiving break to reconnect and reconcile with family, and the darkness in one family’s past.

THE MORGUE

Johnny - The jock, the backup quarterback, thanks to a leg injury, and a disappointment to his father.

Kristen - The innocent virginal girl next door.

Billy - A bit of a redneck hillbilly who is more interested in his next meal than much else.

Ali - The flirty, ditzy, slut of the group.

Darren - The new kid, and the nerd. Can you smell the tropes?

Turkie - A killer turkey.

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Turkskelions! I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving, and is staying warm, because yikes did it ever get cold around here. But I digress, I have a movie to suffer through and share. And in honour of the holiday, I am FINALLY getting around to seeing Thankskilling. This is a bit more tongue in cheek than our usual fare, but it's still very firmly in the horror/killer type genre, so let's get stuffed.

Before I get too deep into this, I want to say this movie is built on a house of lies, LIES I SAY LIES!! The cover promises boobs in the first second of the movie, but it wasn't until SEVEN seconds. First actual SHOT of the film, yes, but they did some text stuff beforehand. And I am harping on this way too much for something I don't *genuinely* have any interest in, but here we are.

And it's a really pointless gratuitous scene set moments after the first Thanksgiving where a topless pilgrim lady gets axed by Turkie. Our killer for this movie who only wishes he could step to the level of Freddy Krueger.

But after the obligatory boob shot, we jump a few hundred years ahead to the present, and meet our canon fodder for the movie as they get out of school for Thanksgiving break. Which they are all way too excited for , but hey, they're having fun with the whole 'college kids on break' idea.

Just in case you didn’t get enough boobs earlier.

And the characters are every bit as tropey as you'd expect. The quarterback, the ditzy slutty girl, the nerd, Billy the hillbilly, and uh...other girl.

While they make the long drive home, we meet the hermit who lives alone in the woods, with only his dog Flashie to keep him company. We only spend a few seconds with them right now, but this won't be the last we see of them.

As the kids drive along, Johnny talks about becoming estranged from his dad, and wishes they could reconcile. Honestly, a nice little character moment in this sort of movie.

Meanwhile, Darren the nerd decides he is gonna go absolutely wild on this spr...Thanksgiving break, and that he's determined to have sex! With someone! It could be anyone! IT COULD BE YOU!

Back out in the woods, Flashie has found an ancient miniature totem pole that he digs up, and pisses on, and I dearly hope that's a reference to Elm Street.

NOOO, don’t dig up the totem, that’s how you get Winterbeasts!!

And I'm gonna be honest; Turkie might actually be a nice, normal talking turkey, but if *I* woke up from a hundred years of napping, to a dog mistaking me for Donald Trump? I'd murder everyone in that forest too.

Kristen calls home to let her dad the sheriff know they're on their way, and oh yeah, her mom just served him coffee with shit in it, to let him know she wants a divorce. You're supposed to serve PAPERS not crap coffee.

But their plans to arrive that night go awry, as the jeep breaks down in the middle of nowhere. So the gang packs up and trudges deep into the woods for plot reasons, when they could easily just pitch a tent right there.

Darren notices a sign, and he recognises the patch of land they've landed in. He catches up with the group and fills them in on the legend of Crawberg, the tale of a pissed off Native man, who necromanced a turkey to attack everyone.

Kristen remembers she should call her dad to let him know they're stuck for the night, and wanders off to try and get cell service.

And while she's out there, she runs into Turkie and runs back to camp, scared. And no one believes her.

She storms off to her tent alone, and suddenly a stuffed...er, baby rabbit is flung through the air and lands in the campfire. Well, they'll have good roast rabbit for breakfast!!

Billy wakes up the next day, with the Hermit standing over him, saying he scared off Turkie in the night. And there's turkeyshit on Billy's chest to prove it.

Not what I wanna see first thing in the morning.

Anyways, they fix the jeep and continue on their way. But elsewhere along the road, Turkie is hitchhiking to follow his prey.

Fortunately, a kind soul pulls over to give the turkey a ride (???), and makes the usual offer of , ass, grass, or cash. So, Turkie turns around presenting his tail feathers and NO. NO no NO NO no no NOOOO I do not want to see turkey sex!!

Thankfully, Turkie pulls out a shotgun (???) and threatens the man with it, and blows his head off, stealing his car. All righty then.

Our Thanksgiving leftovers drop Ali off at home, and split up for the night, as Johnny heads back to see his parents and grumpy, estranged father.

Dad storms out, not wanting to talk to Johnny, but the kid follows and joins him on the porch swing outside. He has a seat and lies, telling his dad he's the starting quarterback for the football team. Dad's face lights up, and that was the fastest reconciliation EVER.

And oop, he dead now.

Turkie slices dad's head off, and tosses it to Johnny, who fumbles the skullball. He runs back to the house, and finds his mom is already taken care of. With no family left, the lying liar drives off.

Most of the gang gathers at Billy's house, except for Ali who is busy finding some random guy to bang, because that's her sole character trait.

But Turkie shows up to ruin her day, and kills the guy screwing her from behind. And then Turkie comes up behind her and NOOOOOOO TURKEY SEX WHY WHY WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS.

Fortunately, Ali won't have to suffer like I will for years to come at the idea of being shagged by a turkey, because the fowl little animal snaps her neck right afterwards.

The gang discovers Ali's body, and look to Darren for answers. He says Turkie has survived everything they've thrown at him so far and NO NO HE HAS NOT! You've barely even seen him, and have done nothing! Aaand then the movie points that out, so good on them.

But Nerdly does have some ideas, and it involves, ugh, reading. But the library is closed, so they head to the sheriff's house, because he's got tons of old books they can go through. He surely must have exactly the book that tells how to kill an immortal undead turkey!

Turkie shows up there first, and I have any number of questions of how he knew to go there, but before I can ask them, he and the sheriff have a nice chat over coffee. The only saving grace is that Turkie has good taste in coffee.

After a little chat, Turkie excuses himself to leave, until the sheriff says the wrong thing and gets murdered. What even is going on...

The kids arrive at the sheriff's house, and wait! He's alive! Kristen hugs and kisses her dad, introduces her friends, and everyone comes ins...waaait a second.

And then the moment we've all been waiting for; RESEARCH MONTAGE, YEAH!!

Darren finds the book after five minutes, and they learn they have to steal the turkey's totem, rendering him vulnerable, and then just straight up kill him. There might be a special way, except the rest of the book is in code, because giving us all the answers now would bring me joy.

Billy ducks out to grab a snack, and discovers Turkie trying to dispose of the sheriff's faceless corpse, then puts two and two together, after a couple minutes.

They grab the bird and steal his totem, but Turkie wriggles free and escapes before they can end this movie.

Billy stumbles off frustratedly to get murdered, while Darren tries to figure out the book's code so they will know how to kill the bird.

Finally, Darren does that, and the key is burning the turkey at the stake and saying a demonic prayer backwards, and in unison. Why is it always so difficult?

Meanwhile, Billy is wandering down the street, still hungry, when he sees a giant floating cartoon cooked turkey. So, I guess Turkie has magic illusion casting powers now.

Billy eats the Turkie, and it's not long before the bad bird shotguns his way out of the hillbilly's stomach. I have so so so many questions.

Hello my honey, hello my baby, hello my ragtime gal!

The rest come along eventually and find Billy's corpse, giving Darren a long sob filled speech, which morphs into a musical flashback number to better days.

Everyone hurries off and they eventually find Turkie's teepee - DO NOT ASK - and plot their revenge.

Johnny and Kristen distract Turkie while he finishes eating a salad, and Darren comes up behind him, ties him up, and they start their little chant.

CAP: Turkey, gravy, cranberry stew, transport us to old Xian Wu!

The turkey is stripped of his invulnerability, but makes a run for it. A run right into Oscar the Hermit's waiting shotgun. Turkie flies through the air, a first for turkeys everywhere, and lands in a dumpster.

But wait, he's supposed to be burned at the stake! Oh no wait, he looks pretty dead.

Sigh. Kids, follow the instructions to the letter. Do you want radioactive zombie turkeys? Because this is how you get radioactive zombie turkeys.

They celebrate their victory though, and despite everyone they've ever known or loved being turned into Thanksgiving leftovers, they head to Kristen's to watch some movies.

Kristen and Johnny decide to hook up, making out right there in front of Darren, until he excuses himself before he hurls.

He heads into the kitchen to grab some snacks, and that's when Turkie the Glowstick shows up, stabs him with a meat thermometer, and rips the kid's tongue out.

And poor Darren never even got to do the sex.

Johnny shows some sudden concern over Darren, and goes looking for him. What he finds is an electric knife shoved into his gut by Turkie.

Kristen runs in, coldcocks the turkey, and drags Johnny outside to make an escape. They hide out in a toolshed full of chainsaws, and before it can become a car ad, Turkie shows up.

She rigs up a spray can and when the bird bursts in, she sets him on fire, ending this movie the only way it could; on fire.

TRISK ASSESMENT

Video: Looks pretty solid, which it should for a late 2000s movie, even as Indie low budget as this.

Audio: Sounds just fine too!

Sound Bite: "I'm gonna drink your blood like cranberry sauce!"

Body Count: I do love when a more comedic movie still brings a nice, hefty death toll.

1 - Less than two minutes in, and Turkie axes a topless pilgrim

2- Lashie gets gashed by the talking turkey

3 - Baby bunny flings itself into the fire

4 - Poor kind soul who picked up Turkie gets his face shot off.

5 - Johnny's dad gets decapitated.

6 - And then we discover his dead mom.

7 - Grant gets murdered while banging Ali.

8 - Ali gets killed after Turkie...ugh

9 - Sheriff gets killed for being rude.

10 - Billy gets chestbursted

11 - Turkie rips out Darren’s tongue and pecks him to death.

12 - Radioactive Turkie gets burned to a crisp.

13 - Johnny dies from being carved up

Best Corpse: This time, the award goes to Billy’s gutsplosion. Gory and bloody and fun.

Blood Type - B: Lots of blood, fun effects, and despite a little CGI here and there, I enjoed it.

Sex Appeal: Well, after the opening boobs, there’s really not THAT much, so…

Drink Up! Every time Turkie is offensive.

Video Nasties: After Billy dies, they do a cheesy musical flashback which is silly and fun so here you go!

Movie Review: As a horror movie, I’ve seen worse. As a comedy movie, same. But the comedy is pretty pureile and silly. I don’t hate it, it’s just very much of its time and such. But the plot is coherent, the characters are tropes, but they have their moments. It’s a solid enough flick, with a few good laughs and cheesy kills. Three out of four stitched together face masks.

Entertainment Value: While yes, the humour is silly, I still get a few laughs, and I love poking fun at the nature of movies, the montage ‘taking forever’ but in reality only five minutes. The meta humour is fun. A solid three out of five totems