Night Train to Terror (1985) — Triskaidekafiles

NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR

WRITERS: Screenplay by Philip Yardin

DIRECTORS: Jay Schlossberg-Cohen, John Carr, Tom McGowan, Greg Tallas, Phillip Marshak

STARRING: John Philip Law as Harry Billings

Charles Moll as Otto/James Hansen

Meredith Haze as Gretta Connors

Faith Clift as Claire Hansen

Robert Bristol as Olivier

Ferdy Maybe as God

Tony Giorgio as Satan

QUICK CUT: A train takes a wrong turn, and two men recount some tales to pass the time.

THE MORGUE

God - A kind eldery god, who loves mankind and just wants to save their souls

Satan - A dark, brooding man, unable to cry, and loves the more decadent side of life.

Harry Billings - A pour soul duped into helping to harvest body parts. When he finds out what he’s been doing, he rebels.

Gretta Connors - A young singer who really wants to act, and gets the chance when she gets sucked into the world of porn.

James Hansen - A doctor with an in depth takedown of religion, on a crusade to make everyone else believe. Not believe? One of those.

Olivier - A long lived man with quite the history, who is trying to recruit James to Satanism.

Claire Hansen - James’ wife, a doctor, and the only thing standing between us and darkness.

Better than the Night Train to Mundo Fine, I bet…

Night Train to Terror [Blu-ray/DVD Combo]

Starring Cameron Mitchell, John Phillip Law, Merideth Haze, Ferddy Mane

TRISK ANALYSIS: Welcome back, Triskelions! It's the end of August, so it must be time for our yearly look at an anthology which...I do not know how this tradition started. But here we are, chugging along. And speaking of chugging along, this year is an anthology I have LONG wanted to do, Night Train to Terror! So dance with me into this review…

This flick is a collection of three unfinished movies that, to at least get SOME use out of them, and recoup some of the costs, were edited down, spliced together, and had a framing sequence put around to create a vaguely coherent anthology. So, how does this all turn out? Let's take a look!

We open up with some stock footage of the titular train, and let me say; once they're no longer stock shots? Yikes. It looks like the cheapest train ever. This looks less real than the 60s Enterprise.

But don't worry! We are quickly distracted from the cheap production values by the rockin' band this train has! They are very 80s, and very very VERY infectiously catchy. I HATE how catch their song is.

After that earworm gets stuck, we meet God and Satan, talking about their eternal game of chess for human souls. There's this moment where God offers Satan to come back to his side, and it's...genuinely good? That old friendship is so effortlessly hinted at by these actors. But naturally, Satan won't change, and still, it's a good moment.

They finish their chat and decide to review their first case, our first segment, the case for Henry Billings. Now, I COULD go in depth on each one of these segments and where they came from, but I'll keep it short. This one comes from a movie called Scream Your Head Off, or later, Marilyn Alive and Behind Bars. It's been edited and reedited and reshot to so many different stories, the true original is just lost.

And this is no better...

We meet Henry and his bride driving along, and Mayhem is back behind the wheel, because this car goes right off a bridge! Already you can feel the heavy editing of how quick this is going.

His wife dies, and Henry gets sent to a sanitarium with questionable at best practices, since every female inmate seems to own no clothes.

And it JARRINGLY cuts from a line of dialogue to Henry getting shock treatments. Have I mentioned this is a nightmare of editing?

Suddenly a random couple shows up to Doc Frank'n'furter's lab, seeking to use their phone, and Bull the orderly lets them in.

While Howard's wife calls the hotel they're looking for, Bull conks him on the head, then grabs the wife. And then we're back to Harry's hypnotherapy, as well as we will never see that couple again, I think.

His doctor orders Harry to go to bars and pick up unsuspecting people to bring back to the hospital for nefarious purposes. I do not think this is standard medical procedure!

And then it's on to Bull groping one of the patients, and then to church, and I AM GETTING EDITING WHIPLASH!

Diabolik Cosbies a woman at church, and she is instantly in the hospital and SLOW THE SQUAWK DOWN! I can barely get a grasp of whom anyone is at any given second.

Then there's ANOTHER woman who gets dosed but somehow escapes before she can be admitted, but she doesn't get very far when she finds a random woman dangling from a noose. Do...do we know who that is? I can't keep track.

Either way, she soon gets a cleaver to the chest and joins her friend hanging around. And if all this seems very rapid fire and just spewing events one after another? GOOD THAT IS HOW THE MOVIE FEELS.

We watch more depravity for a bit, then a woman gets hacked up, and we see lots of body parts strewn about, with a voiceover revealing this is all a massive plot to harvest and sell parts. Okay, finally some plot.

Eventually, one of the doctor's assistants gives him a Cosby, and it sure would have been nice to have a movie not hacked to bits like a Jason victim, to understand why!

Harry desires a normal life after all the mind control and kidnapping, and then all of a sudden...he's missing thanks to editing. And he is just as quickly found. Harry is defiant, his shocks have worn off, and he's gonna free the girls. Again, suddenly.

The head doctor had some head surgery done on him at some point, but when Harry ties up the lady doctor offscreen, the head doctor wanders in, sure he has to do some surgery on her. Everything just kinda...happens.

Bull and Harry get in a fight, which ends abruptly as Harry grabs a scalpel and spills Bull's guts all over the floor, and then gets bonus beheaded.

Harry busts in on the doctor slicing up the lady doctor, and we cut back to the Night Train where Harry is decided he wasn't in control, so shouldn't go to hell. However, he's hardly innocent, and will go to purgatory for 100 years. Meanwhile, Satan gets all the other assholes, so I guess that's a win for ol' Scratch

The two debate the fate of the musicians, and again, some quality stuff there with the philosophising and speechifying. But now it's time for more of that song!

And with that, we start our second story, the case of Gretta Connors, originally a movie called simply "Gretta" or Death Wish Club.

This one gets started off in a carnival where an older man meets Gretta selling popcorn, and he buys her out so she'll be free for the evening.

We watch as Gretta becomes a movie star...just not the type she expected, as she almost never wears any clothes in these parts.

Meanwhile, a young man named Glenn sees one of her pornos, and falls in love, as people do. He stalks her down, meets her, and they instantly hit it off. Or the movie's editing truncates their romance.

But the man who started her 'career' isn't happy she's found love, and a life, and uh...things get weird. "Our story takes a strange twist...we go now to the Death Club" WHOA WHOA WHOA slow down!

Geeze, at least let her have some pants.

That is a bit TOO much of a sharp turn for me. I'm sure it was more nuanced in the original. Anyways, the "Death Club" is a group of dilettantes who have experienced the rush of nearly dying, and seek out new and fun ways to almost die. I...can oddly relate.

Glenn hasn't had any such experiences though, so he COULD step out. However, he's like, "Eh, you're all still here, so it can't be THAT bad!" Uhhh. Dude, you should ask how many members the club has had over the years.

So someone brings out a mutant bug puppet that has a deadly, painful sting. But only one, so if it stings anyone, it's only one death. And no one can move once it's released, to avoid attracting it. Also, the window is open, so it can decide to fly off and not kill anyone.

...Which is precisely what it does, stabbing some poor rando having sex, who then explodes on his girlfriend. Not…not quite the money shot she was expecting, I’m sure.

Before we can catch our breath, we jump to another death machine...literally! with an 'electrocution computer' that will slowly and randomly shock people until it decides to kill someone.

Also, one of them KEEPS SAYING how there is always an out, like the open window before, and now an empty chair that could be shocked, "just like Russian roulette!" Wow, if only that would be used as foreshadowing somehow...

Somewhere along the way, Gretta got a haircut.

The computer finally picks someone and they fry in...a pretty sweet effect, really. It goes on a bit long while they milk it, but it's deserved.

But since Glenn keeps peskily surviving, George remains unhappy. Meanwhile, Gretta's hair grows back along with her balls, and she tells George to leave them alone.

The lovebirds go off to get married, but some goons bust into their room, fight them badly, but win anyways, and kidnapp them.

So they get brought back to the club for one more game of death. Which is basically a riff on the Pit and the Pendulum, but with a giant construction ball that will spin in a circle, slowly get cut, and then fall upon someone laying beneath it, with everyone spread in a circle.

And so it goes, and the ball falls crushing the Contessa's face, I believe. And thus somehow ends the story, with the conductor wrapping it up, with Gretta going off to be with the man she loves.

Satan is bummed he can't have her, and again tries to beg for the musicians' souls, which is our cue to hear that song again!!

But at least we can now begin our third and final story, the case of Claire Hanson. And faster than you can say 'submitted for your approval' the voiceover brings us into the story, with some Nazis. But at least it ends with another Nazi gunning them down for not meeting their quota.

Claire and her husband Bull (Again!) wake up from the nightmare...and all of a sudden we're in another apartment where a man is seeing someone on tv who bears a striking resemblance to the shooty Nazi.

He rushes to Officer Cameron Mitchell to go after the long lived Nazi, but he can't REALLY do anything. When Weiss sees the man face to face, he goes off the rails and goes after him with a gun later that night.

Weiss approaches the man, and instead finds a weird devil woman skeleton person that blasts out his spinal column.

As Claire examines the body, Dr. Bull is on tv, talking about religion, and he savagely tears it apart. At least, in as much as an edited movie in a short anthology segment can manage.

Later, Bull is visited by a man called Papinni, to try and convince him otherwise but WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE FIRST TEN MINUTES.

The plot edits suddenly to Pappini watching the Hansens, when the police show up to arrest him, since he looks like a homeless vagrant stalker.

We jump over to Olivier's club for a bit, where the 70s ooze over everything. He takes a woman to his bed, takes his shoes off and GOAT FEEEET!

Suddenly, Officer Cameron Mitchell shows up to question the goatman about Weiss, and threatening to be a pest.

Meanwhile, that girl's friend is wandering around, and runs afoul of a statue that attacks him and stomps on him. Ohhh no it's Winterbeast all over again! This movie just went from good to great.

Back at the Hansens', Claire receives a letter from Papillon to try and convince her about Satan, since Bull is rather stubborn. I know there's a word for it...

While she's in the closet, she gets attacked by floorboard demons that crawl their way up to try and get her.

After that, she goes to see her priest, who tells her she has been chosen to fight Satan, she is the Chosen One, picked once a generation to stand against the vampi...no wait, that's Buffy.

But she IS the chosen one for this, and this priest JUST so happens to have a box made from the holy cross, which is the only thing that Olivier's heart can be placed in and stop him.

TOO MUCH COINCDENCE ALL AT ONCE. Not to mention this is some wild lore to throw at us in a short story. I know, not the original intent, but yeesh! Also, remember when this was about a Jewish man recognising his attacker??

Meanwhile, Pappetizer pays a visit to some woman who says she's Ishtar and she is suddenly the creepy weird skeletal monster woman from earlier. I mean sure, it all ties together, but also feels so random from the editing.

This leads to Papasmurf dragging himself out of the building, down the beach, and getting attacked by another claymation demon. Bahahaha I love this. This just swerved into being the best movie ever.

Officer Cameron Mitchell and Claire meet over Papadopalous's corpse, and even Olivier shows up to pay his disrespects.

Mitchell asks Claire about her connection, and she says he tried to warn her against Satan. The cop asks, "Who?" Seriously? WHO?? What next, "Could you describe this Mister Satan?"

Something finally clicks in Mitchell's head and he goes back to Weiss' apartment and stare at all the newspaper clippings. This would be...more impressive if Cam hadn't been in that apartment already staring at the clippings.

All right, cheese. You better tell me everything you know.

We get into more of that jarring editing territory as Bull is taken to see Olivier, and it slices from one moment to the next with barely any connective tissue.

Mitchell and his partner head to talk to Olivier elsewhere, and when Cam gets out of the care. Olivier shows up to stare menacingly until the car explodes.

Olivier offers Bull the chance to join their organisation, and he refuses. Because if he believes in no god, he believes in no devil either. I love that little added moment.

He demands that Bull recant before a kerchief touches the floor, which he doesn't, and everything Bull has been saying is proven wrong. Olivier transforms into Cloverfield, and casts claymation Bull down.

Claire is, quite reasonably, none to happy about this. She runs down Olivier with her car, kidnaps him, and takes him to an abandoned section of the hospital. She drugs him, cuts him open, and tries to remove his heart.

Her assistant goes wild and stabs him wantonly, killing him and thus becoming him. I...guess when he dies, Satan's soul moves to another body? Boy, if only this was a proper movie that could explain it's plot. It might not be half bad!

And so we go back to the train so Satan and God can divvy up the souls, we get one last bout of music before the train derails, killing everyone, and sending it off to the credits.. Can you imagine that being the last thing you hear??

TRISK ASSESSMENT

Video: It’s got some rough spots, it’s very much of the time period, but looks solid enough. Aside from some weird squished video in the first segment that’s easy to miss if you blink.

Audio: Good enough for this sort of thing.

Sound Bite: Instead of the usual quote, here is a collection someone did of every moment of “Everybody But You”.

Body Count: With three movies crammed into one, we come away with a decent pile of bodies!

1 - Harry's wife dies in a car crash off camera

2 - One woman found dead hanging, just short of 13 minutes

3 - Another woman cleavered in the chest.

4 - Another woman gets hacksawed up

5 - Bull gets sliced in the guts and beheaded

6 - Doctor lady gets sliced open

7 - Killer bug kills random dude

8 - One of the death club gets electrocuted.

9 - Death Club woman gets squished.

10 - Several people gunned down by Nazis

11 - Abraham goes boom.

12 - Random dude gets stomped by claymation Satan.

13 - Deiter goes boom in a car.

14 - Claymation James Hansen hits the cross and burns

15 - Mr. Olivier temporarily dies.

16 - Claire Hansen implied to have been killed by Olivier.

17 - Everyone on the train dies.

Best Corpse: I am tempted by any and every Claymation death, but that electrocutional is amazing.

Blood Type - B+: It’s hard to judge because it’s a mishmosh of movies, but when we do get some blood, there’s some good splashes, and some silly effects. Again, that electrocutional is top notch.

Sex Appeal: No woman owns clothes in the sanitarium

Drink Up! Dance with me! Dance with me!

Video Nasties: And a bonus clip of my own, with the astounding reveal of Satan and death of Clay Hansen

Movie Review: Hwurgh. I’m just gonna take this as a whole. The editing is, as I repeatedly point out, a mess. The strongest story on that front is the last, since even though there is a LOT going on, and it jumps a few times, it’s mostly coherent, if very quick, and doesn’t feel like stuff is just happening. The very first story is the worst of the bunch, as it DOES have that feel of this happens then this happens then this and because reasons this happens. Gretta comes off closer to the last, but the stuff that DOES happen is so random as to be jarring. Still, there’s some pretty good acting here, and I genuinely want to seek out the three movies (Gretta is included in the Blu/DVD from Vinegar Syndrome, but I haven’t watched it as of this writing) and watch them all. The wraparound story is a good set up, and could be fun to revisit. Three out of five bags of popcorn, because the good and bad balance each other out. Appropriately enough.

Entertainment Value: Some good kills, some good gore, utter bonkers as hell stories, even without the editing, some AMAZING out of left field moments, like every claymation moment in the last story, make for a very fun ride. And the catchiest song ever that I can’t stop dancing to. This movie was a LOT of fun, once I got past the SLOW DOOOWN frustrations. Four out of five Cosby shots.

CAP: SPAAAACE TRAAAAAIN TO MUNDO FINE